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My "Real" Grad School Application Personal Statement
(i.e. what I really wanted to say
If I didn't have skills in this area, I doubt my undergraduate school would have given me a bachelor's degree in it. If I didn't enjoy this subject, or want to explore it in depth, why the FUCK do you think I'm filling out this damned application?
I will benefit your extra-special diverse big-ass university because I will not destroy it using several pounds of thermite. I will be a good little student and put myself in debt for you so I can get the most useless degree in the world. I will do all my homework and write interesting papers. Now do yourselves a favor and stop asking us to write all this bullshit, because you know the fucking answers already. Stop wasting my time and yours.
The Short, Nice VersionThank you very much and have a nice day. Please admit me to your school and give me financial aid. I promise I will be good.