Death Quaker's Realm

Writings    Pictures    Anime    Gaming    About    Links    Blog   Guests


The original title of this piece was going to be "dancing around the self-pity pitfall," but I realized I wasn't anywhere in the mood for something so alliteratively witty. I decided that Glrrrrg! much better and more distinctly fit the mood I am in.

I am really trying hard not to feel sorry for myself, I really am. But one of my more negative traits is to enjoy feeling sorry for myself when I hit a depressed sort of mood. Not "enjoy" of course in the sense that it's something I look forward to, but I find once I fall into a self-piteous mode I almost indulge in it; it sort of locks itself in, building a cycle that's hard to pull out of.

I am pissed off first of all, because for the second time in a row a friend of mine has invited himself up here and then canceled, both at the last minute. The first time wasn't his fault (his car died). Okay, admittedly, this time wasn't really his fault either, except that I am rather disgusted that he has lived in Maryland all his life, driven to Baltimore several times, and yet somehow can not for the life of him manage to find Charles and St. Paul. Charles Street, people, one of the most major and easily findable streets in the goddamn city. St. Paul runs parallel to it, as the south-going traffic carrier where Charles is the north. It's not that hard. I could find Charles and St. Paul before I could drive, dammit. You can usually give directions to things in Baltimore by just saying to someone, "Okay, get to North Charles St..." and they'll be able to figure it out.

So he got lost, and called me and said, "I'm cranky and I'm going home." Which, in fairness, I can understand, except that he did not seem to want to understand why, when I was waiting for two hours without having eaten since noon (it was by that point 9:30 pm), I might have been just a little cranky too.

This isn't the entire reason why I want to feel sorry for myself, of course, but just the sort of the straw that broke the monkey's back–and with low blood sugar to boot. (And yes, I know it's supposed to be "donkey" or "camel" but I like monkey better, thank you.) I just felt abandoned at that moment; I was really looking forward to seeing him. I had postponed hanging out with another friend just to make sure I could get in touch with him.

And I was feeling lonely and abandoned and paranoid because I am certain most of my friends have gone out, and they have not included me. This is largely silly, and even if they did go out without me I'm sure it wasn't an intended slight. But I have this irritating paranoid voice that's insisting people are avoiding me on purpose.

I just hope if anyone really were avoiding me on purpose, they'd decide not to avoid me long enough at least to tell me that I've bothered them for some reason. I would like to know when I irritate people, or if I've done something wrong. Admittedly, I can be a bit oblivious in that department, so I rely on the honest communication of others to teach me what behaviours I need to work on changing so I am a more pleasant person to be around.

Ah, the root of the problem here is that I am lonely. I did hang out with some people to game yesterday, but I was very tired and manic at that point, so I wasn't really in a place to enjoy it at its fullest. It's been a long and tiring week, and while I was feeling antisocial during the tiring week, now I want to hang out with people. And no one is around...

And nobody loves me...

And I'll just sit here in the dark...

All alone...

Today has been a strange day of ups and downs. I randomly ran into an old friend of mine while I was carrying a coffee table home. It was good to see her, although a bit odd as it's been quite awhile since I'd seen her last, and we've both changed a bit, I think, since last we were close. It was good to see her, though, I reiterate. She said something to me, which I wanted to laugh at...

"How do you just draw this luck to you, Rep?"

I wasn't feeling particularly lucky, although I realized that I was lucky to run into an old friend (especially to help me get the coffee table up the stairs, which wasn't necessary but appreciated), and on a day which I was feeling lonely... it was also in reference to my being able to manage to serendipitously find a lot of free furniture for my apartment.

I think I do draw a lot of luck to me, actually, but it's not always good luck, ya dig?

Speaking of which, my Internet line has just hung up. This either means I've been too idle, or someone has tried to call me and the call waiting has disconnected me.

Which is ironic in so many ways, if you think about it.

But no, there is no new call light blinking, meaning I have simply been disconnected for babbling too much.

But I just needed to vent. This is a digital human howling at the moon: I am here, I am here.

There is a concert at the church next door, of a band called "The Damnations." That is somehow ironic too.

I have a lousy seat, but at least I don't have to play the $8 cover.

Yes, I suppose I do attract luck in its various shapes and sizes. I also seem to attract grizzled, slightly insane homeless black men over the age of 50. One of them bowed and tipped his hat to me and told me I was pretty today. This is of course, very flattering, but at the same time, Self-Pity says, how come no one else bows and smiles and tips their hats to me and calls me pretty?

Oh, and there is a guy online whom I have never met in real life who calls me a "super cutie hottie fox." I would be disturbed except that otherwise he seems like a pretty decent fellow and I get along with him pretty well, in as a normal a fashion as one can get along with someone on the Internet. So I've just decided to be flattered and get on with my life.

Writing this and drinking two chocolate cokes has put me in a better mood. I think I'd still like to talk to someone, but I think I'll be okay. And very awake.


Back to Main Contact:
All original materials © 2003 R. Pickard