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I get too frikkin' anxious sometimes. Really reallyworried about stuff, usually stuff that's ultimatelyinconsequential. I like to worry about things I haveno control over.
I used to say my greatest fear was of helplessness, and I guess it still is... but you know what? If youaccept you can't control every situation ('cause, baby,you can't), then you're not helpless. Because onceyou've gotten over that, you can get over yourfrustration and fear and figure out what you cando. And there's usually something you can do,even if it's decide to leave it into someone's (or Someone's)more capable hands. It's your decision. Maybe all youcan do is feel really bad about the situation. But maybethat mental energy'll turn into something good if youlet it. Mental energy's neat like that. Powerful stuff,when you don't let it get shackled by fear.
One of my stupid fears is of writing. You gotta understand,I love to write. I like to babble on and on and on,as you can tell by this and other things I've postedon this page. But you see, I get afraid: what if it's notgood enough? What if it is good enough and thenI'll be expected to keep producing this good stuff andI may not constantly be able to live up to these newstandards? What if my eyes fall out and my hands fall offand all my journals and notebooks spontanteously burn?
That's stupid bullshit. You can tell, that's stupid bullshit.I'm not letting myself do something I enjoy because of myown self-doubt, and that's just fucking bullshit.
I get afraid of awareness sometimes. That's why I forget tomeditate and watch the news sometimes. Because I mightsee or think of or remember something painful. Andthen I'll have to deal with that pain.
That's bullshit too. As Buddha or somebody said, "Sufferingis part of life, so get over it." Actually, what he saidI think was, "Suffering is part of life. The more you letyourself become aware of it, the more you can becomeaware of how to help." And if you're more aware of pain,you're also more aware of joy and beauty and chocolatechip cookie dough.
To quote Nike and Eastern Philosophical Masters andmy dad's psychologist: Just Do It. You've got nothingto prove and a lifetime to enjoy and do your best. Ifyou can't become what you are because of your fear,then what's the fucking point?