DQ's Utena Shrine

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Jury Arisugawa's Diary
Chapter Four: Never Trust a Man in a Sportscar

Week 19, Sunday
Times Stared at Locket: 4

Well, Nanami's been hit on the head and her memory's blurry now too. How convenient.

I HATE THIS SCHOOL!

If nothing else, why couldn't her head have been hit just a little harder?

Week 20, Tuesday
Touchés: 17, Times Stared at Locket: 6

It seems like ages since we've heard from End of the World, but from the mail piling up again, it looks like we've returned to the exalted state of being End's number one bitches.

And if what Miki says is true... screw the "ascending to a new level of a duellist" nonsense--it turns out we've been climbing those ridiculous stairs when THERE'S BEEN AN ELEVATOR THERE THE WHOLE TIME???

Whoever the hell End of the World is, he's (my guess it's a he. Just a hunch due to the particular kind of fuckwittage he seems to display) got a cruel sense of humor. Makes Shiori truly innocent by...

Not going down that thought path.

Anyway.

Touga's back and all Smug Bastard as usual, like he hasn't been sitting around in his bedroom for weeks feeling sorry for himself because he'd been beaten by a girl. I wonder what... or who... finally got him motivated. And how.

Never mind. I don't really want to know how.

Saionji's also back, but he's declared unlike the rest of us he will not be a pawn of End of the World. I bet Miki Thai carryout that he'll be the next challenger within three days.

Week 20, Wednesday
Touchés: 20 (v.g!), Times Stared at Locket: 4

Miki owes me dinner.

Week 20, Thursday
Touchés: 19 (g. but Miki missed practice), Times Stared at Locket: 5

4:00 p.m. The female Miki from the evil Bizarro world mystifies me. Her using boys makes Smug Bastard's using girls look like an exercise in moderation. Her weird freakish control efforts over Miki make Nanami look nearly sane by comparison. Nanami threatens Touga's would-be lovers fairly melodramatically... Miki's would-be lovers actually end up in the infirmary. (This may, however, be merely an example of poor Little Kiryuu's incompetence, however. Both of them could use a support group, not to mention heavy medication.)

If she ever actually did hurt Miki, I would kill her, naturally. Of course I can't do so until I have proof or rock-solid reason, otherwise I might end up traumatizing Miki.

So anyway, this strange little control-freak 13 year old is found nearly killing herself to rescue some birds?

(Why do I cringe every time I think of birds, lately, anyway?)

Even though I would love to imagine that Kozue is doing this out of a great burst of compassion–being Miki's sister one would hope there's some sweetness and light in there somewhere–something tells me... this is all going to go back to trying to make Miki's world continue to revolve around her.

5:00 p.m.
Called sis and thanked her for being sane. After I gave her explanation, she thanked me for finishing my clingy tagalong phase at age 7. You know, when most normal younger siblings do.

Week 20, Friday
Touchés: 21 (Miki NOT paying attention), Times Stared at Locket: 4

Miki's hit his "I hate adults phase" awfully suddenly. I thought he was okay with his dad remarrying, but now he won't talk about it. He's also now determinedly declaring there'll be no duelling for him, no sir.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

God, there's nothing worse than seeing someone you care about plummet toward doom and realize there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

Week 21, Tuesday
Touchés: 19, Times Stared at Locket: 4

Miki seems to have recovered from his defeat quickly, although Kozue's not talking to him.

Wait a minute.

That's a good thing.

Things are just getting weirder and weirder though. Yesterday I had the strangest discussion with Nanami about my bowling ball. She was looking at me like I was carrying a space alien egg in my bag. Is she one of those people who thinks it's too blue collar or something? Eh... probably has nothing to do with me, actually.

And looking through my diary, I see there's a disturbing pattern somewhere. Saionji duels (or gets expelled or whatever), Miki duels (or his sister goes insane at least), Nanami undergoes bizarre and random delusions, and then Shiori unexpectedly does something in some way to twist the knife she jammed in my back years ago. I have no idea how this is all connected.

No, this has to be a coincidence. It can't have happened that often for there to be a real pattern anyway. Besides, Shiori's here at school now, she's been mercifully leaving me alone, she's no reason to write me any letters or anything, so I can't imagine what the hell could "show up" to make my life miserable all over again.

Week 21, Wednesday
Touchés: 13 (left practice early; defeated in the opening bouts earlier than usual), Times Stared at Locket: 5

4:00 p.m.
Akhafjhbnj dihdhlna ljdgbs ieh dnl ;whendndlha h wnnnn a.

Bastard.

Ad bhbsrit pshnvauw[agnbsfhhsghajghjhbaia fadgn afv adgj.

5:00 p.m.
Showered. Breathing. Thinking.

Okay.

I should be glad to see him, glad to know he's well again. My mentor. The best fencer at Ohtori, ever. My friend.

The person whom I put all my trust into when I felt I could trust no one. And then he hit on me, when he knew I was dealing with my own problems. Then he told me he loved me. And though I knew I couldn't return his feelings... it's not a small thing when someone tells you he loves you. And then he left. Illness, whatever–I still just felt used.

And I'm just tired of that feeling. Really fucking tired.

But part of me wants to believe he really was the true mentor and friend he seemed to be, and not that he treated me like that just so he could put his hand on my thigh sitting on the bench overlooking the river. I wanted to make good with him. I wanted to write to him. I wanted him to believe in me.

Oh, that's just pathetic.

He's like Smug Bastard, except he has this thread of nobility through him that just makes it absolutely impossible to hate him. Which makes him even more frustrating.

Besides, if he's back, then the fencing team's no longer my responsibility. I can just fence for the joy of it again. Maybe I can leave the Student Council too, and give the seat back to him. Maybe I can get out of these...

Oh hell. I sound just like the others.

But even though things aren't perfect between us, how the hell could Ruka's coming back make me want to get back in the arena?

10:30 p.m.
Additional times stared at locket: 647

SHIT FUCKING HELL MUTANT FORELOCKED BASTARD!!!!

"Enjoy the carefree student lifestyle" MY ASS.

I will kill him. I will tear out that bizarre little pale strand of hair, and I will choke him with it. And then I will take my rapier and cut parts off of him that he wouldn't want cut off. And then I'll cut the rest of him up. And then I'll jump up and down on the pieces, and then I'll put them into the garbage disposal, and then the incinerator, and then I'll give his remains to Anthy to fertilize the roses.

He.... he knows.

Who the hell told him? 'Cause I never did, not exactly, anyway.

Touga?

And then I feel the hand on my throat. No, it wasn't Smug Bastard. It was the damned mystery letter writer himself. Who the hell does he think he is? Who is he? No one could answer me that last week.

Oh no. I need to... he knows, and I know and...

Ruka can play with hearts and heads with the best of the Ohtori playboys.

I've got to tell Shiori.

Week 21, Thursday
Touchés: 0 (Team doesn't need me, right?), Times Stared at Locket: 24

I just vaguely remember when Shiori returned to Ohtori, I was so proud of myself for giving her the perfect Ice Queen-will-not-discuss-this-further-bitch act.

Today she just smacked it right back at me, right when I really needed her to listen.

Go me.

Week 22, Friday
Touchés: 5 (quick private practice with Miki), Times Stared at Locket: 42

What is with his "captaincy"? How many girls does he hit on during practice? How can Shiori not notice what an ass he is? Why did I remember him being a good team captain?

And of course he challenges Tenjou to a duel.

I hope Tenjou trips and accidentally cuts off his head or something.

He doesn't deserve to fight someone like her... by all accounts, her sheer honesty should cause him to shrivel up and turn to smoke just by being exposed to it.

Week 23, Monday
Touchés: 10 Times Stared at Locket: 30

BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD!!!!!!

What is with him? What the hell is he trying to accomplish? How can he ever say he cared about me when he must know he's...

He's not even DOING this to her. He's doing it to ME. He's trying to make me break. And whether she just falls apart over it is just no concern of his at all, as long as it gets the desired effect on me.

I don't want to give him the satisfaction.

But what the hell can I do?

Considering asking Kozue for lessons in covert stair-pushing.

Ah, but dammit...

And then Tenjou's all lah-de-dah look-at-me-in-my-cute-shorts and friendship-is-keen and talking-fixes-everything!

3:30 p.m.
Talking fixes everything, my supermodel-quality ASS.

And yet even now, all I can see is the hurt in her eyes. . .

Want to die. Will take Ruka with me.

5:00 p.m.
Touchés: Not enough

Well, that went badly. And I lost my temper just a tiny, small, miniscule bit.

6:00 p.m.
Pairs of mystery raspberry-colored lace panties found under Chairman's back seat: 1
Other mystery pairs of panties left behind: 582

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL WAS THAT? And the TRUSTEE CHAIRMAN????

(Anthy's brother. Of course. We are the biggest idiots on the face of the earth. Or the Ends of it, for that matter.)

And I don't want to know why the seat was so sticky.

Am taking very, very, very, very long shower.

Week 23, Tuesday
Times Stared at Locket: 308

1:15 p.m.
Let's get this over with. And why did Tenjou have to look so. . . disappointed in me?

Hell, she's the one who told me to do something. I guess I'm doing it.

Hooray for me.

3:30 p.m.
Duels lost and rained on: 1, Lockets and memories shattered: 1

"It will be okay"? LET'S SEE ALL THAT YOU'RE FIGHTING FOR GET SYMBOLICALLY SLICED OFF OF YOUR CHEST AND "IT WILL BE OKAY"?????

And what was that about "miracles standing on someone else's sacrifice"?

Oh wait. He wasn't talking about Shiori.

But he was. But really, he wasn't. He was talking about. . .

My head hurts. Am going to bury self alive now.

Week 23, Saturday

Ruka left note in my locker. He's going back to hospital for tests and will probably be home-schooled for rest of year, in case of any unexpected problems. It seems like he'll be fine, but then. . . it was always hard to tell whether he had hope for himself or not. He was always focusing on. . . anyway. I wrote him back. I guess I at least know what it's like to care for someone who's not going to return feelings. . . but he seems to have let that go now. One last fight. . . and he's left to heal.

Went to visit Yuriko in infirmary to make sure she was healing up from her ankle sprain yesterday and taking care of herself. Saw the nurses gossiping and imagined they were talking about someone trying to get his love a miracle before his illness overtook him. . .

What utter romantic rot. I should be worrying about finding a high school girl familiar with fencing to replace Yuriko for the tournament.

I told him in my letter. . . I hope he gets his wish. Because in the end. . . maybe there's all something we think we want. . . and it turns out to be something else. Acknowledgement. Acceptance. The ability. . . to move on.

Shiori was waiting for me when I was walking back to the dorms. Wants to borrow Gloria Gaynor CD.

=====

Go to
Chapter 1: Mystery Letters, Student Councils, and Smug Bastards

Chapter 2: The New Girl

Chapter 3: Why Can't I Remember Any of This?

Chapter 5: It's the End of the World (and I Feel Almost Mildly Optimistic)

 


Death Quaker's Realm All original materials © 2003 R. Pickard. Revolutionary Girl Utena and all related concepts belong to Chiho Saito, Be-Papas, Shogakukan, Shokaku, TV Tokyo
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