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The Legend of Death Quaker
First of all, Death Quaker is a superhero. Or rather, she thinks of herself as one. And what good is a superhero if she doesn't have a theme song? Superhero or not, Death Quaker has one, and you may want to read the lyrics before you move on. I recommend playing air-guitar while singing it to yourself to get a fuller effect.
Like many wanna-be superheroes, Death Quaker was born out of two things: a desire to do good in the world and a deep anger.
Before there was a Death Quaker, there was a Maggie Zambini, a lighthearted pseudo-hippie member of the Society of Friends who was into worthy causes and computer games and smiling a lot. She was part of groups that were pissed off about weapons of mass destruction and people starving to death and stuff like that.
Maggie's problem was, she was pissed off about everything. A deep raged filled her with unearthly energy, and no spiritual cleansing workshop or conflict mediation class seemed to be able to drive it from her. It built and built and built.
The straw broke the Quaker's back at a nonviolent activism workshop, at which a Lady With Her Head Stuck Up Her Ass was ranting and raving about how evil all white men were, even though it was actually a couple of white men who were paying her to give this talk, and who were trying themselves to teach nonviolence to others.
When Maggie tried to point this out, she was told she just didn't understand because she wasn't experienced enough. When shehad been arrested 677 times, the Lady said, then she would understand. She continued to talk about how Evil White Men often discriminated against inexperienced youth.
Maggie fumed with rage. The energy poured through her. She trembled. Her eyes began to glow. Her canine teeth grew to points (actually, many think she just popped in plastic fang caps while people weren't looking). She let out a loud growl and lunged for the woman's throat
tearing away the "There is No Way to Peace, Peace is the Way" button on the Lady's collar.
"You don't deserve to wear this," snarled the transformed Maggie. "You're a fucking hypocrite."
The Lady shrieked and protested and threatened to call the police. The creature of rage that once was Maggie said, "Cool off," and grabbed the Lady's water bottle and poured its contents over the irritating woman's head. Surprisingly, some of the workshop members actually applauded.
One man, frightened by the spectacle, said, "Maggie, what happened to you?"
"I am not Maggie anymore," the Raging Hippie said. "I am Death Quaker!" She raised her fist in triumph and left the room to conquer more irritating hypocrites and unjust tyrants in the world.
Death Quaker's primary goals are to stomp annoying inconsiderate people, end all war, and to point out blatant hypocrisies in which so many people enjoy blanketing themselves. She realizes that from a certain perspective, her name, her very existence, is a seeming oxymoron. Can one revel in anger and fight for peace? That can only be revealed in time.
Death Quaker relies on her super abilities to incapacitate people with hugs and hold people in the Light (maliciously, if necessary) to carry out her mission. If in a good mood, she can also call upon her Boing powers to infuse people with happy energy. When worse comes to worse, she uses her beloved super soaker and her mag-Light to non-injuriously bully someone into submission. Her personal code requires that she does not physically harm anyone. Emotional and psychological warfare, however, are limited only by her creativity.
She has a sidekick named Corn Syrup Boy, who acts as her common sense (since she lacks it completely), and has an arch-nemesis named Fatal Fairy, whom Death Quaker doesn't think of as an arch-nemesis because she thinks she's too damn cute.