This really is an honour for we at Christian Chids...Jesus, thanks again for talking to us, and of course the Chids at home!
No problem. I'm always here for the kids-
-That's 'Chids' Jesus.
Oh. Sorry.
Forget it. We forgive you. Now Jesus, I guess the question on everyone's lips right now is 'What next?' I mean, we're all waiting for the whole 'messianic age' thing and well...it has been two thousand years. Any updates?
Ah. Now there may have been a teensy misunderstanding there. See, I said "And there shall come a new age where everyone shall be judged, and the world as we know it shall be no more," (The Bible, page 116) but what I meant was "And there shall NOT come a new age where everyone shall be judged, and the world as we know it shall be no more, for the world is really quite good. Sure, it has its share of peaks and troughs; but for every Saddam Hussain there is a happy pixie who makes the world a wondrous place."
What? So we've been waiting all these years for nothing? All four Gospel writers were wrong?
I'm afraid so. But there's always Christmas...
Hang on a second Jesus, what was that about pixies? There are no pixies.
Correct. I was speaking metaphorically. Pay attention.
Oh, sorry Jesus. Let's move on then...Marilyn Manson.
Oh. That f*ck.
Now, we know there's been a little bad blood between the two of you of late...would you care to elaborate?
Well, it all started with the whole 'Anti-Christ Superstar' thing. Now, as you know, I love Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's work. I mean, take away the fact that he rips off clasical composers to provide music for his shamefully weak lyrics; many of which aren't even written by him, and what are you left with?
A talentless fish-faced git, with more money than he deserves; who should be painted red and smashed in the face with shovels until he be dead?
Exactly. A man so universally hated he deserves our respect. After all, was I not universally loathed by Jews, Romans, and people who didn't like wandering miracle workers (see 'Life of Brian' - the leper scene) throughout my ministry? Now, I'm not suggesting Andrew Lloyd Webber is the Jesus of the next millenium...but he is. Anyway, you can see how deeply affronted I was by the shameless dissin' he suffered at the words of Marilyn Manson; not to mention the personal insults that were thrown at me like rotten pears in a feild of sodomites that I was forced to listen to throughout the album. But the worst thing was the un-challenged mis-information of the public inherent within each song.
What do you mean? All that "I went to God just to see, and I was looking at me (yeah)" nonsense? I was astounded by that myself - everyone knows that if they open themselves to God, they shall bear witness to the life force of the universe; praise be...
No.
...the power of Christ compels...no?
No. I was referring to the whole concept of Manson himself being the anti-Christ. This is nadgers, clearly. Yea, for it is written: "The real anti-Christ is Jesus' good friend Alan. You may know him by his blatant cheekiness towards those in positions of authority, and penchant for practical jokes." Alan is more than a little angered at this userpation of his position, and I sympathise with him entirely. We spent a day playing golf recently, and Alan was so frustrated he finished 20 over par! And the angels wept in the bunker...so he threw his clubs at them.
Well Jesus, it's been a pleasure talking to you.
Anytime...what was your name by the way my son?
Andrew.
Fair enough. We can't all be called Ourlordjesuschrist I suppose...
Hang on, are you saying there's sommat wrong with being en-named Andrew?
Hmmm? Oh no. Well..."All men called Andrew are inferior; and smell of used arse. They also steal money, and beat their children." (The Bible, page 4). Sorry mate, but it's in the Scriptures, hosanah in the highest; praise be.
Piss off.
Ah. Once again the Messiah proves his supremacy over all. He is great.
Back...The power of CHRIST compels you!