Fishing With Jesus

Yea. And Jesus told them to be fishers of men, but he did not tell them HOW. So they went out and preached the Gospel. Bunch of monkeys. What Jesus clearly meant was, as I think you'll find he said actually, that he wanted people to be FISHERS OF MEN. I'll let him explain.
Thankyou. Yes, it's true. I was once again misunderstood, as is my wont. Here then is how I intended my children to fish.
  1. Firstly, thou must purchase a sturdy rod from a fine fishing and/or field sports establishment. I had Good St.James steal mine for me form the 'County House' sports shop in Newcastle. It is approximately 5' 20'' in length. I don't condone stealing but as Messiah I am exempt from all God's commandments, so there.
  2. Then thou must rent thyself a room in a dilapidated factory building which overlooks the street (or 'lake'). This room should have a large window from which you may lean out of and dangle your line from unobstructed.
  3. Recline in your room with a few beers and a copy of 'Guns and Ammo', your rod dangling the Lord's line of truth to the street below. Doze off and wait for a bite!
  4. They say it's bad luck for a fisherman to choose his own lure, but I find experimentation to be the mother of invention (not necessity; only the bastard child of the whoring Ms. Necessity would consider her more than the mother of farcical reverse-engineering. She is a plagurist and a fraud and will NOT be welcomed into the assembly of the Lord).
  5. Now...the bait! I have found money to be the source of my most impressive catches; since larger specimins tend to fight over such a prize, ensuring a weighty catch. Good St.James swears by the Cornish pasty; which to give him his due, has been responsible for the 'catch o' the day' on several occasions. Food tends to incur suspicion however; a potential Christian may be tempted (by Satan) to inspect the fine line attatched to the pasty in question, and sever it from the pastry knob to which it is attatched.
  6. Once your man is hooked, speedily retract the line and laugh at his bemused face. Then indoctrinate him into the religion of Christ and baptise him with whatever beverage happens to be close. Now, depending on the rules of the town in which you are currently fishing, EITHER return the fish to his herd, OR stun him with your boot and place him in a large wicker basket (which you should have brought) to take home, place in a basket and eat with friends at a later date.
Well, I hope that's cleared a few things up. This also applies to all those missionaries in Africa (use the roof of a mud hut and cover yourself in feathers - they'll mistake thee for a native).

Back...BACK THOU SPECKLED KNAVE!