If I Let You Go

Jack tapped the fridge door shut with his foot and picked up his sardines and ketchup sandwich (which he'd put on a plate because Daniel kept complaining about breadcrumbs being spread all over the place every time he had a snack). With a slight groan that coincided with that of his aching muscles, he dropped into a chair at the tiny kitchen table and opened the magazine that was in front of him. Then he turned it around so he could actually read the thing.

'Archaeology. Oh wow,' he though idly as he flipped through the contents page. 'Gotta convince him to buy something about motorbikes one day.'

Daniel was currently off-world on P6X something-something-something with SG-5, happily digging away in yet another set of ruins. Meanwhile, the rest of SG-1 had been stood down and not-so-gently told to have a rest.

'Hmpf. Gotta remind myself to tell Hammond how bored I was.'

"This is ETBR, Colorado's favourite radio, and that was The Hollies with 'The Air That I Breath.' After the break we'll be back with Westlife," the DJ announced in the usual fast-paced, yet strangely annoying, chatter.

Jack just grunted and started to read an article about Babylonian pottery. Not that he cared much for it, but he still held the somewhat vague hope that one day he'd actually understand what Daniel said with regard to his various fields of expertise. Why not start with crappy, old pottery that had been buried for a couple of centuries?

"O'Neill, you have got to get yourself a hobby to do when you're not off chasing aliens," he muttered to himself as he moved on to a piece about some archaeological site out in the middle of nowhere. "Especially when Daniel isn't around to be annoying."

Finally, the slightly irritating jingle for the radio station ended and the Westlife song began. As the first few bars blared out of the small wireless, Jack flipped to an essay about trowels.

//Day after day/
The time passed away/
And I just can't get you off my mind//

"Bloody teeny-bopper crap," he grouched quietly, but didn't bother to get up and change the station. Closing the magazine, he silently munched away on his sandwich as he fell into a brown study of the kitchen wall.

//Nobody knows, I hide it inside/
I keep on searching but I can't find//

'Join the club kid,' he thought idly. 'At least your singing about a woman.' Ever since he and Daniel had begun their... affair so to speak, Jack had had to watch both their P's and Q's. It wasn't exactly his lover's fault that he was, well, excitable and prone to open displays of affection. Even his wife being kidnapped and later dying at the hands of a friend hadn't dampened his romantic nature a jot.

'Lord knows, if anyone found out about us, I may as well make straight for the nearest old geezer's home and begin glooping up apricot custard through a straw.'

//The courage to show/
To letting you know/
I've never felt so much love before//

Not that his relationship with Daniel was that full of negatives. In fact, this was the happiest Jack had been in quite a while - even worse, he was content with his life.

'What more could I want? I've got a great set of friends and comrades, I've got someone who is by all accounts absolutely nuts about me and I occasionally get to kick Goa'uld butt.' He frowned slightly. 'Then why am I so unsure about it all?'

//And once again I'm thinking about/
Taking the easy way out//

Jack forgot about the wall and threw an accusing look at the radio. 'How'd you know?'

He chewed thoughtfully on another bite of his snack. In the time that Daniel had been away, he actually had been considering breaking the relationship off. That was half the reason why the archaeologist had left anyway - to give him time to decide where they were going.

'Bloody crossroads.'

//But if I let you go/
I will never know/
What my life will be/
Holding you close to me//

'What did Daniel call it? 'Conditioning of a lifetime'? Sounds like brainwashing to me!'

Okay, so Jack had been brought up to think that loving another man wasn't exactly a good thing - but it'd happened and there wasn't a whole heap he could do about it now. Except he had two parts of him constantly going at each other as to what he should do.

"Wonder if I could get a full frontal labotomy at this time of day?" he said aloud as he stood up to dispose of his plate.

//Will I ever see/
You smiling back at me/
How will I know/
If I let you go//

He rinsed off the plate and put it carefully into the dishwasher.

'Yet another 'bad' habit I've picked up since Daniel's been staying here,' he thought with a wry grin. Not that he imagined anyone else complaining - the rest of SG-1 used to have running bets on how long it'd take him to wash the dishes.

//Night after night/
I hear myself say/
Why can't this feeling just fade away//

'Amen brother!' Jack leaned against the countertop and stared off into space. 'On the other hand, I'd probably still be a cranky old bastard if Daniel and I hadn't happened. Or at least, I'd be a crankier old bastard.' He ruminated on that thought for a while.

'Sam'd say that I've 'mellowed out' a lot since we've gotten together. Guess I have a bit - either that, or old age is creeping up on me.'

//There's no-one like you/
To sleep in my arms/
It's just a shame we're worlds apart//

'In more ways than one.'
Okay, so he and Daniel were the proverbial polar opposites with regard to just about everything. He lacked this little thing called diplomacy, while Daniel could probably talk a knife-wielding maniac into giving up all his possessions and joining a monastry. Either that or he'd bore him to death. Archaeology and anthropology just about killed him with their tedium, but Daniel thought they were the best things since sliced bread - and before it too!

'Not that we don't try to work things out. He talks, I switch off, then we argue. Simple pattern and one that I can remember with my mental degeneration.' He chuckled a bit at that thought - mental degeneration indeed.

//I'm too tired to ask/
I'm too proud to lose/
But sooner or later, I've gotta choose//

'I could just piss-fart around a bit more, but that wouldn't exactly be fair to either of us... Funny, I always used to look out for number one since Charlie died, then this crazy archaeologist literally bounces into my life and *BOOM* - complete turnaround in no time flat. There's gotta be a record in there somewhere.'

Their coming together as a couple had been something of an accident, that much was certain. But Jack considered it one of the more happier accidents in his life - and after some of the stress he'd had to deal with, happy was a good thing.

And once again I'm thinking about/
Taking the easy way out//

Huffing a breath, he levered himself off the counter.

'"You need time to think" he says. No shit Sherlock. And now that I've thought myself to death would you mind getting you gorgeous butt back here so I can regale you with my thoughts?'

//But if I let you go/
I would never know/
What my life would be/
Holding you close to me/
Will I ever see/
You smiling back at me/
How will I know/
If I let you go//

'Bingo! Gee, wonder if they're all mind-readers or somethi-' The phone jangled loudly, just about causing him to have a coronary. 'You're getting soft Jack old man.' He switched off the radio and picked up the receiver, expecting it to be Sam wanting to con him into going to watch some movie or something.

"O'Neill."

"Jack? Hey it's me. Got back from P6X 583 about ten minutes ago," Daniel's voice replied. "I thought I'd better give you a call before General Hammond starting debriefing us."

"You're back early. There weren't any problems were there?" he asked, a slight note of concern working into his voice.

Daniel chuckled. "No, the site was just smaller than we'd guessed. What're you doing for lunch?"

"Nothing at this point. Wanna eat out somewhere?"

"I'd like that." The archaeologist paused. "Sorry, I've got to go. I'll be 'round your place in about an hour, okay?"

"No problems. Oh, and spacemonkey?" Jack could envision the expression of exasperation on his lover's face - he'd always disliked that particular nickname.

"Yeah Jack."

"Welcome home."