FUNFIC: SGC Advertisements

Title: SGC Adverts
Author: Danielle
Rating: G
Disclaimer: All characters from the television series ‘Stargate SG-1’ belong to Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I’m only borrowing them for my personal entertainment, and I promise I’ll put them back all nice and proper. I didn’t profit from writing this piece, though if someone wants to pay me huge wads of cash for the copyright, I won’t argue. All original characters and situations belong to me, but you can use them if you really want to - just mail me first. Also mail me first if you want to archive this somewhere. Thank you kindly.

Author's notes: I just wrote these up one day because I was bored silly...


First there was Barbie... And then came Stacy. But be prepared for the new craze to sweep the women of SGC! Presenting...

**ACTION SAM!!**

Meet the doll for the modern woman. She can kick ass with the best of them, and still get home in time to make dinner for the family and bonk GI Jack stupid!! With actual moving parts, you can literally tie this one in knots - which is more than you get from your average 11 1/2 inch figure. Watch as Action Sam...

Belts snot out of everything that moves!!
Uses a dead-set miniature machine-gun with her opposable hands!
Blows up major historical monuments with real TNT!!

And all of this without mussing up her hair!! WOW!! And for only $39.95 (plus sales tax). Pick up that receiver and dial 1-900-PMSnESP now!!! Action Sam is a must for every young girls doll collection!!

-> Also in the series: 'Just F***ing Shoot Them' Jack, 'I'm Inhabited By A Worm' Kowalsky, and the very limited edition, Blow Up Danny!

Please note... The manufacturers will take no responsibility for any bodily harm caused by these products. So there!
# Delivery will cause your letter box to spontaneously combust before your eyes.
# Calls cost 50c a microsecond (more from any type of phone).
# Prices are subject to change the moment you pick up the phone.


What was the latest craze last Christmas? Tickle-Me-Elmo. But that fuzzy little horror has nothing on the latest product from LoadsofCrap Ltd!! Meet...

**PUNCH-ME TEAL'C!!!**

When you punch him, he whips out his staff weapon and shoots you!! Hours of fun for kids and parents alike!

Armed with real, very-deadly laser weaponry!!
Made from ultra-bonded steel to give that extra strength!
Standing at over six feet, he's a life-sized bundle of simmering anger!

And only $29.95 (plus the obligitory bit extra so that we can go to the Bahamas for the holidays)!! Call 1-900-Zap!Pow!KABOOM! today!!! Free for the first 50 orders, a set of deluxe steak knives - guaranteed to bend the moment they come within a 10 foot radius of anything harder than water!!!

Also in the series -> Whump-Me-Daniel, Shoot-Me-Maybourne (guaranteed to die a long, painful death nine times out of ten!) and The-All-Purposes-Utility-Hammond (with free wax and buffer set!)

Please note... The manufacturers don't really give a toss if you or your family fry yourselves with this stuff. We have connections...
# Delivery within minutes of placing your order.
# Signed will leaving everything to the manufacturers required in order to receive a full refund if a product is faulty.
# May explode without warning - leaving all life within a five-mile radius contaminated with radioactive waste.
# Calls cost 50c per heartbeat.


Tired of Danny Whumping? Looking for another form of violent entertainment? Meet the brand new activity for those who like their SG-1 used, abused and contused....

**JACK BASHING!!!!!**

Are you sick of seeing the cute, goody-goody types copping it? Then Jack-Bashing could be for you! Just call 1-900-YaThink? and order your kit today!! Included in this once-in-a-lifetime offer:

10 Hand Grenades - guaranteed to break the ice at you Jack-Bashing parties.
2 Ballistic Missiles - for that hard-to-reach Jack.
1 Genuine Military Tank - as used by the forces in the Gulf (of Carpentaria, that is).
3 Acme Swiss Army Knives - they'll slice, they'll dice, they'll be so blunt that they wouldn't cut you if you sat on them!

And last, but not least,...

1 Honest-to-goodness Operating Theatre will all the essentials - Your Jack falling to pieces? Put him back together for another round of good, wholesome violence!

And all this for $19.95!!! You won't find a package like this in any of the shops. That number again... 1-900-YaThink for your kit and introductory Newsletter "Die, Jack, Die"!! Call now!!!

->Also in the series: Teal'c Thumping, Sam Mutilation, and the limited edition Apophis Singalong Songs.

Please note... The manufacturer will not be held responsible for any self-mutilation caused as a direct result of using this product. Got a problem with that?
# Delivery can take anywhere up to twenty years, if it happens at all.
# Calls cost $3.00 a second (more from mobile and public phones).
# Prices subject to change whenever the manufacturer decides they need another Jaguar.


Ever thought that Daniel Jackson was good enough to eat? Then meet the latest craze to sweep the world of SG-1...

**DANIEL THE GINGERBREAD
ARCHAEOLOGIST!**

Finally, a Daniel Jackson that you can feast on!! Start anywhere you like - his arms, his legs, his ever-so-lush stomach. Guaranteed to contain at the very least 0.5% of the amino acids needed for a healthy diet (if you're a dog, that is). Or even better, collect the entire 'Edible Danny' set!!

Whipped Daniel - Chocolate mousse in a neat pyramid-shaped tub, with a free Daniel-shaped cookie-cutter.
Danny's Crunchy Balls - with real nuts.
Leather Coated Daniel - a delicious blend of proteins, carbohydrates and lipids covered in a layer of tanned cowhide.

Only $4.95 a box. Just pick up that phone and call 1-900-Anthropuppy to order your free 'Daniel the Gingerbread Archaeologist' today!!

-> Also available: 'Teal'c in the hole', 'Spotted Sam' and everyone's favourite, 'Rack of Hammond'.

Please note... The manufacturer will not be held accountable for any illnesses resulting from the consumption of these products. Just don't puke on the carpet, it takes weeks to get rid of the smell.
# Delivery will occur as soon as the Salmonella count in the product reaches 22 organisms per microgram.
# Calls cost US $1 million per nanosecond.
# Prices subject to inflation of the manufacturers ego (and bank account).

Any comments or suggestions...?

© Dan 2000