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If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.
I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said Please Try Again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Jesse, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
My friend said to me "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No man, perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy..." then I thought, man, I should have just said, 'yeah...'
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! damnit. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?"
most of these are from mitch hedberg
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