Being a gorgeous and introspective person, I find myself, as the year winds down, reflecting on the past year with, both, satisfaction and regret. I feel satisfied that I didn't go into debt, satisfied that I hit on as many fine ladies as possible, and satisfied that I did my best to help the rainforest. Still, I feel regret for all of the little people I stepped on to get to where I am, regret for never giving 'No-Face' any twenty dollar bills, and regret that I never, ONCE, went to Leonardo's Pizza on Cross Street.
Regret is the thing that gets me most worked up, though. I have the whole 'should've/would've' complex. "I should've done this! If only I would've done that!" And that is where I find myself today: regretting my 'dating' life over the past year.
This year, I found that I was attracted to women that I had no chance with. These are the women you put up on a pedestal. While up on that pedestal, you figure, "I'll never have a chance.”" This happened to me multiple times this year.
It started in September when I fell in love with a young lady that I would have absolutely NO chance with. Her name was Arial. I met her at a very inopportune time. I had no chance with her because she was in love with another man named Eric…well, that and I couldn't put up with her combing her hair with a fork. I soon came to a hard reality, though: her father would never approve of us because I was a human. Thus, I had no other choice: I had to move on. No worries, though. I had the rest of my junior year to find a lady better suited to my needs. Plus, she was a mermaid. (And by the looks of those arms, anorexic to boot)
Next, came a woman I was destined for. She had a little meat on her bones, but it was a great change from old 'Skinny Arms McGee' who lived "Under The Sea". I never caught this girl's first name, but she was distinguished. She had no need for a first name. When meeting her, I asked what she would like to be called since she didn't need a first name. Her reply: "Who? Moi? You can call me Miss Piggy, if you please." Miss Piggy! What a gorgeous name for such a strangely gorgeous woman.
As the weeks passed, I longed for her. Every night I dreamed of the day when I would be called "Mr. Miss Piggy." It sounded like honey on my fingertips. As we progressed, though, there were things about her that stood out as warning flares for me. For example, whenever I mentioned honey on my fingertips, she would start licking her lips and try to karate chop my hand off. But, you know, nobody's perfect. So, I let that slide. Though, the relationship ended when she wouldn’t stop talking about that damn frog. After a while, I called him out and challenged him to a street rumble, but he brought more friends than I did. You should have seen his friend called Big Bird. I called him feminine and then had to deal with a black eye for three weeks.
So, that was the end with my Miss Piggy. Thinking back on it, though, I can see things that I didn’t see at the time. You know how hindsight is always 20/20? Well, I can tell you that her nose was huge. Didn't notice it at the time, but I never could have lived with it.
Now, I was getting nervous as it was getting around Christmas and I still hadn't found my obligatory 'Girlfriend of the Year.' I started getting depressed until I heard about this chick Belle. But, then a friend of mine pointed out that she was in love with a big hairy guy that I couldn't compete with. I mean, I like to be waxed clean of all the hair on my body. We never would have worked.
Then, right before Valentine's Day, I met the woman who turned my world upside down. We met at a club that she danced and sang at. The guys were totally eyeing her, but I knew that we were meant for something more when she came over, sat on my lap and played with my tie. After her number I asked her name. "Jessica," she said. "Jessica Rabbit." I was in love. JESSICA RABBIT! What a gorgeous name! Not cartoonish at all! So, we started dating. After a few dates, I learned that she was married to a movie star in Hollywood. She told me I had nothing to worry about. He was going to be framed for murder and out of the picture soon, anyway.
After he got sent to Folsom State Penitentiary for 6 years, Jessica and I got married. She lives with me in our house off campus and still works nights at Déjà Vu. She makes pretty good money, too; enough to support my buttered rice cravings.
The point of all this is to tell you my opinion. “"What is it, Ian?" you ask.
Here it is: Life is full of mysteries and random acts of Fate. In order to have a full life, you need to take chances and make the most of it. Date a mermaid. Question authority! Wear black shoes with a brown belt! All the choices you make in your life make you a fuller, more experienced individual. And maybe, after a few bad choices, you’ll find someone that can brighten you life like Jessica does mine.
So, have a good summer. Work hard, play harder, rock hardest. But, most of all date as many people as you can. Keep in mind that there’s no such thing as a 'dating slut'.
Seacrest out.