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Native Humor

Some Native Jokes and Humor

Humor is very important in Native culture, it serves many purposes besides the obvious of making someone laugh. It can also be used to show affection to someone, or to get a point accross, or to lighten the mood, or perhaps to teach a lesson.

Native people are known for teasing people that they like, or making jokes about them.

Humor is used by the Heyoka, or sacred clowns to prevent the people from becomming too deeply involved in ceremony, as protection for themselves ot the people, to teach lessons to the people, and to ridicule someone for unaceptable behavior.

Warning, some of these are inapropriate for younger eyes!

The Grass Dancer

A Lakota boy walks in to a bar and notices a monkey dressed as a grass dancer sitting on the bar. The Sioux sits down and orders a beer, and keeps glancing at the monkey. The monkey's owner notices and says "Watch this" and starts to pound out a northern plains grass dance song on the bar.

To the amazement of the Lakota, the monkey starts to dance! The monkey is one of the best that he has ever seen! After a few moments, the Lakota reaches for his wallet and takes out a $20 bill and puts it down in front of the monkey. At the end of the song, the monkey's owner notices the money on the bar and tries to return it to the Sioux, saying " I understand the tradition of honoring dancers with money, but this is too much!"

The Lakota just shakes his head and replies, " I just can't help myself, them Pawnee kids are just so darn cute when they are little!"

A New Fur Coat

An Ogalala guy goes into a bar in Scenic, South Dakota every night and gets drunked up. When he is good and drunk, he starts looking for a fight, and mops the floor with everyone there! It gets to the point where no one will go in to the bar because they don't want to get their butts kicked!

Well, the bar tender is desperate because this is costing him lots of buisness, so he starts to look for a way to get back at the Lakota boy.

One day he is reading the paper when he sees an add for a traveling carnival that has a fighting gorilla, and the will pay you $100 to stay in the ring for 5 minutes with it. So far, they have not had to pay anyone, because no one has made it for more than 1 minute the gorilla. The bar tender gets an idea, and goes to the gorilla's handler, and explains his problem to him. Then he asks if he may borrow the gorilla for a day or so. The Handler agrees to bring it by the bar later, and the bartender goes home.

That night, the Ogalala boy goes to the bar, and gets drunked up, and starts ranting about how he will just fix everyone's little red wagon, and so on. The bartender leans over the bar and whispers to the Ogalala boy that there is a guy in the back room who will clean his clock! Well this rilles the Ogalala boy, who stomps off to the back room. The bartender follows him back, and as a precaution, locks him in with the gorilla!

A huge fight ensues, and carries on for about 15 minutes! Finaly the door is blown off of the hinges, and out walks the Ogalala boy who is dusting off his hands and shaking his head rulefully. "Man,"he says, "Those Sicangu boys, you give them a new fur coat, and they just think they're it!"

Must Have Froze To Death

A Pawnee man is walking home from a powwow one warm summer evening when a wasicu (whiteman) in a convertable pulls over and offers him a ride. As it is a warm evening, the breeze feels pretty good, and the Pawnee remarked on this. The wasicu responded that the faster you go, the colder you get, and kicked it up to around 60 mph. Just when the Pawnee guy was realy starting to feel pretty good, they arrived in front of his house.

Well the next morning was even warmer than the day before, so he went out and saddled up a horse "to cool off a little". He had the horse trotting, but that just wasn't going to do it, so he kicked the horse in to a lope. Well that felt a little better, but not much, so the went to a gallop. That was better, but not where he wanted to be, so they went to an all out run.

Now, horses can only go for so long before they give out, and that is exactly what happened to this poor animal. As the poor horse fell over dead, the Pawnee jumped off, and nudged him with his toe, muttering, "Hmmmm, he must have frozen to death!"

My WHAT For Dinner?!

This one is for all of my Lakota relations! Warning, this joke is not for younger eyes or ears!

One summer day, Iktome, the one you call the Spider yelled to his wife, "Hey you old bat, you need to cook up those 2 fine fat buffalo livers that I gave to you yesterday, and boil up some timpsila, (wild turnips)because we are having company today!"

You may have guessed that he and his wife did not get along very well, when in fact, they hated each other, but he was the joke of the camp, and no other man wanted a lazy wife, so they were stuck with each other.

"Which one of your lazy good for nothing friends did you invite over now!" she screamed back at him.

"My good friend Coyote is comming over, and you will be nice to him, or I will beat you! You had better make some wojape, beacuse you know how Coyote likes something sweet after he eats! Maybe this won't be enough, you know how he can pack it in! I will go see if I can get some ducks or something! If he comes over while I am gone, you keep him outside because he has a wandering hand, and a roving eye!" and out the door he went.

"Yeah, I know who has a wandering eye! You are the one who almost got your eyes cut out for letting them wander, not Coyote! I also know who can pack in the food! You men will eat all the food, and if I am lucky, I will get some scrawny old timpsila and that will be all! Boy do these livers smell good! And they are starting to crisp up nicely! I'm sure that they won't miss just one little taste!" so she cut off a small bite,and another, and another, and pretty soon one liver was gone!

"Well, he will beat me for eating one, so I may as well eat the other," she thought to herself, so she ate the other, and it was as good as the first! As she was disposing of the evidence, she heard some scratching at the door.

As she opened it, Coyote came barging in. "Hey woman, where is my kola waste (good friend) Ikto? I was supposed to come over and vist, but I don't see him!"

"Oh, he is out trying to kill himself, or some ducks , or something! I don't know when he will be back, and I realy don't care!"

Upon hearing this, Coyote began to leer at her, and trying to slip his hand up her dress. "Well," she thought, it may be fun, because that old geezer that I married can't satisfy me anymore, and I my be able to get out of eating the livers too!"

Then Coyote started to murmer, "you know, Ikto and I share EVERYTHING together, and you may just enjoy yourself for a change!" so off to the sleeping robes they went!

When they were done, and they were getting dressed, Coyote sniffed the air and said "What is for supper, something sure smells good, but all I see are some timpsila!"

"Well," she said "I always serve my guests the same thing and everyone always enjoys it!"

Coyote made an impatient gesture and demanded "Well what is it?!"

" I always serve my guests their own susu, or testicles," she remarked as she was reaching for a HUGE knife. "Everyone always says how fast I am at cutting them off, and how good I can make them taste, and I realy need to start cooking them because Ikto will be home soon,and you know what a terrible temper he has! I promise that you won't feel a thing, I am so fast!"

Well, Coyote was a bit alarmed at hearing this, and started to edge towards the door sayin "Well, I have to go make water, and then you can have them, but you might want to let me do this first, otherwise there will be a big mess!" and out the door he went taking to his heels, just as fast as he could go!

About this time here come Ikto, empty handed. "Where is he going in such a hurry, old woman?" he asked his wife.

She planted her hands on her hips, and replied, "Don't you ever invite him over here again! He ain't got the Indian spirit of sharing! When he saw those two fine livers you gave me cooking away on the fire, he grabbed them both and took off with them!"

Ikto looked at his wife, then at the retreating figure of his friend then started to chase after Coyote screaming "Wait, wait, Kola (my friend)! Wait for me! That's my dinner you have there! I just want one! Only one!"

Coyote looked over his shoulder and replied, "My friend, if you can catch me, you can have them both!"

Don't Step In The Hoya

It was election time and the politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.

The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya Hoya". The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.

"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. "Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

Mitakuye Oyasin

One year for Christmas an old Lakota guy got a microwave from his kids. All winter, he never used it.

When spring came, he got an urge for turtle soup, but he did not want to go through all the trouble of killing it and cleaning it.

One fine morning, he went out and caught a turtle and carried it home. "Turtle soup sounds awfully good," he said to himself.

"But it is an awful lot of trouble to kill it and clean it." as he eyed the microwave. Struck by sudden inspiration, he grabbed the turtle and shoved it into the microwave. He set the timer for one hour and turned it on.

Every twenty-five minutes, he would open the door. To check on the turtles progress. When at last it dinged, he went to see if it was done. As he approached the microwave, he heard a scratching sound. When he opened the door, out came the turtle saying, "Mitakuye Oyasin!, Mitakuye Oyasin!, Mitakuye Oyasin!"

What To Do With A Dead Horse

The tribal wisdom of the Lakota People, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern education and government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing Riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living, impaired".

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighters riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

13. Re-writing the expected performace requirements for all horses.

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

The Changes-the-lightbulb Song

Q. How many Oglala's does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Seven, One to do the job, and six to sing the changes-the-lightbulb song!

A Seven Course Meal

Q. What is an Oglala's idea of a seven course meal?

A. A six pack and a puppy!

A Rez Funeral

Q. What is half a mile long, and moves at 2 miles per day?

A. A Rez Funeral procession with only 1 set of jumper cables!

A Chihuahua On The Rez

Q. What do you call a chihuahua on the Rez?

A. A-Cup-A-Soup!

Septic Tanks

Rosebud just got a shipment of septic tanks... as soon as they learn how to drive them they are gonna attack Pine Ridge!

The Worlds Biggest Zoo!

Did you know that Pine Ridge has the biggest zoo in the world?

They finaly built a fence around Rosebud!

14 In A Volkswagon bug

How do you get 14 guys from Rosebud in to a Volkswagon bug?

Offer them a job!

At The Motuary

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened.

A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.

"A XHOSA, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

The Detective is taken to the second dead man.

"A SOTHO, 25, won the lottery, spent it all on Brandy. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

"Nothing unusual here", thinks the Detective, and asks to be shown the last body.

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. A SICANGU, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Detective.

To which the coroner replies: "Thought he was having his picture taken".

A Cold Winter

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not.

Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter? "

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

Iktome's Bad Dream

Once in the middle of the night, Iktome woke up in a cold sweat after a bad dream. His friend Coyote, who was visiting noticed something wrong. "Kanji, (cousin), what's the matter?" he asked.

"I had a very bad dream," said Iktome.

"Well, what did you dream of?"

"I dreamed I saw a very pretty winchinchala (young lady) about to take a bath in the stream."

"It doesn't sound like a very bad dream, cuz" said Coyote.

"This girl was taking her clothes off. I saw her naked, and she had a very fine body."

"Mite Kola, my friend, this is not a bad dream!"

"I dreamed I was hiding behind some bush at quite a distance from her. As I was watching her, my penis began to grow. It grew exceedingly long. It was winding toward her like a long snake..."

"Kanji, there's nothing wrong with this dream."

"Wait, it get's worse, my penis was like a long, long rope. It went all the way over to that girl. It went into the water. It touched her."

"Kanji, cousin, let me tell you, I wish I had such a dream!"

"Now, my friend, the tip of my penis entered that girl. She didn't even notice it at first."

"Kola, I'm telling you, this is a fine dream!!!"

"Wait, it gets worse, when my penis entered the girl all the way. She seemed to like it a lot."

"This is as good a dream as I have ever heard of, my friend!"

"Just at that moment I heard a great noise. I had been so excited in my dream that I hadn't noticed a team of horses pulling a big wagon. It was right on top of me, a wasichu's----a white man's---wagon. It was coming at a dead run, and the white man was whipping his horses. This wagon was very heavy, my friend, it had heavy wheels of iron. It was going between me and that girl......"

" Mite Kola, my friend, you were right. This is indeed a very bad dream!" said Coyote.

The music you hear is Spirit in the Lake by Elan Micheals

How the *^($&#%@% Do I Get Out Of Here?!

The Way Out