Alternatives
There are thousands of recipes for turkey and stuffing, but this is what I grew up with so this is what I love.

Some people have a phobia about cooking stuffing inside the bird, fearing food poisoning. I believe they have been watching too much Dateline on NBC.

However, if you are a scaredy cat, you can always cook the stuffing in the microwave or the oven. Just remember that it will be dry and it will suck. I'm just warning you.

This will also change the cooking time. But I really can't tell you how. All I know is that your bird will cook faster without all that bread crammed up its butt.

You can also use store bought gravy, stuffing, and mashed potatoes in a box. But if you do, your thanksgiving will suck. I'm just warning you.

If you need extra help, head on over to the Butterball website.

Prep Steps

• Set the bread out to get stale. Yeah, I said stale. Just place on a cookie sheet in the oven overnight. DON'T TURN THE OVEN ON! Just let it set in there.
  
• Name your turkey.
  
• Set your new found friend in a sink of cold water overnight to defrost. If your bird is larger, you may need to set it out around 7 the night before the roasting.
  
• Go to bed and sleep with visions of turkey dancing in your head.

Construction and Cooking

Preheat the oven to 325

Drain the sink. Cut the bird loose from his plastic shackle and rinse with water. Open up the cavities and retrieve the neck and giblets. They will be in white plastic bags. Dump those in a small saucepan.
Rinse the inside of your friend. Now pat the entire bird dry with paper towels. Give him a nice massage of cooking oil, making certain you get underneath his wings and legs. This is when you can make him dance around to the YMCA. Just don't be caught by anyone who would not understand the comedy of a poultry carcass dancing to the Village People

This is the fun-but-disgusting part. Sprinkle pepper and salt in the cavities and CRAM THAT BIRD! Take handfuls of stuffing and jam them into the body cavities of your new friend. I push the stuff all the way in and pack it tight. Some will shy away from this tactic, claiming you will spend the thanksgiving morrow with your head over the commode. Screw 'em. CRAM THAT BIRD!!!
You will need to stuff both ends of the bird.
This is one of the two tough parts. Tuck the legs in, crossing at the ankles and fold that flap of skin over. Once that is done, go back to the head. There should be a large flap of skin up there. Cover the neck and pin down somehow. They make metal skewers for this, but those bamboo skewers work just as well. You can try toothpicks, but they are probably too short.

Sprinkle salt and pepper on the outside of your bird. Lace him up with the handy-dandy turkey lifter string they give you. Make certain there is a roasting rack in bottom of the roasting pan. Spray with Pam if it is not nonstick.
Place the bird BREAST SIDE DOWN on the rack in pan. Pour about 2 cups of water in the bottom of the pan. Make an aluminum foil tent and place over bird. Make sure the aluminum not only covers the bird but also overlaps the sides of the pan. This keeps him moist.

Place him in the oven and set the timer for 1 hour.

Remember those bowels of the bird? They should be in a saucepan right now. Add to that the celery leaves, onion. Add water until it fills the pan. You can also add some salt and poultry seasoning now if you wish. Bring that stock to a simmer and reduce heat. You want to keep it warm. The water will boil away a bit. If it gets to dry, add some water.

Watch TV.

When the timer goes off, pull the poultry out of the oven and check under the hood. There should still be significant water in the bottom of the pan. If not, add some.
Place the hood back on and slide it into the oven.
Set the timer for one hour again.

When the timer goes again, repeat the last step. If you want, you can play Aunt Edna. Get a turkey baster and use it to suck up the dripping in the pan. Drizzle that over the turkey as many times as you like. It doesn't matter too much, being as you are hydrating the bottom of the bird.
Replace hood and set timer for 1 hour.

When the timer goes, repeat the last step. However, when it comes to setting the timer, check the paper that came with the turkey. Subtract 45 minutes from the cooking time. Whatever is left, set the timer for. If you are using a 12 pound turkey, it should be about 15 minutes.

When that timer goes is when you dread. You must flip the bird.
Pull entire thing all the way out of the oven and place on the counter. Gently pull the turkey out of the pan and set on the carving board. DON'T CARVE! He's not done yet.
Somehow figure a way to flip the bird hehehe so he is breast-side up. Return to the pan.
DO NOT PUT THE HOOD BACK ON!! Slide your buddy back into the oven and roast the remaining 45 minutes.
You may have noticed that Terence was pretty pale on the breast. The reason is because he was face down. To brown your buddy you need to flip him so the breast is up and take the hood off. Why didn't we start with the breast up? Well, remember Newton? Gravity pulls things to the center of the Earth. While that bird was in the oven all the juices were flowing to the center of the Earth. If he had his breast up, the meat that would get juicy would be his butt. Having the turkey roast with the breast down allows the juices to flow into the breast. You can thank Newton for moist, juicy turkey. Plus, this way you can say, "I have to flip the bird!"

Remember that stock of neck and liver? Now is the time to make sure it is not too wet. If it seems to be too water, turn up the heat a bit.

When the buzzer goes pull the bird out of the oven. You may want to check the temp of the bird with a meat thermometer. Some come with little red and white buttons that shoot out a red stick when it is done. I just make sure it has cooked as long as the weight required. I also look to the legs. They should have the skin pulling back, revealing the bone. Now they are drumsticks!
Gently lift dinner out of the roasting pan and place on a carving board. Take the rack out and place in the sink.

Now the gravy.
Put the roasting pan over low heat on the stove top. Add the liquid from the neck stock and stir a bit.
In a container with a spout, measure 3/4 C water. Whisk 3 T flour to the mixture. Make sure there are no lumps. Slowly whisk that into the drippings and stock. If you want to darken the gravy, add some Kitchen Bouquet.

While the gravy stays warm, unstuff the bird. This can be tricky. Just hang in there.

By the time you have all that done, the turkey should have been cooling for about ten minutes. You need to do that. So, if you are lazy and have made stove-top or aren't making your own gravy, make sure the bird rests 10 minutes before carving.

Carve that bird! Pour that gravy in a gravy boat! Make sure you have a serving spoon in the stuffing dish. Serve and eat!

Service