All the things I wanted to say only to have Hallmark let me down.
yet more mindless dribble from the keeper of the hamster
Zachary Robertson
(Man enters with a small envelope in his hands. He bats it against one hand as he takes center. There is a sadness that surrounds him, but it isn’t an overwhelming feeling.)
(He turns to the assembled audience.)
Man: (to nobody in particular) I love you. But then again I suppose you knew that, didn’t you.? I never feel like I say that enough. Seventeen or eighteen times a day just doesn’t... just doesn’t seem to be enough. I want to tell you that your voice is like the kiss of an angel. Your eyes are windows that allow me to peer into the heavens themselves.
So what if you don’t flush? I can get over that. I can work past the fact that you don’t even know how to make toast. Papa John’s is good enough for me. I will even eat those nasty green peppers because I know how much you love the smell of them on my breath. I can... nay... will do these things for you. That is the power of the love I have.
I only wish you knew how I felt about you, how I really felt. There just doesn’t seem to be a card that says: "You make my loins tingle like the first time I saw Jennifer Jason Leigh for the first time in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.". Because you do... you really do. After all this time, all of these years you can still rev my engine;. There is no person on the face of this planet that I would rather be with. Every time you put out your smokey-treat and say "We might as well do it" I feel like I could bust.
And sometimes I have. And for that I apologize.
God, I love you. I wish there was a way I could truly express that. I wish that I could get my point across to you. But it never seems like enough... never ever seems like enough.
I’ve wanted to ask you to marry me for the longest time. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I am afraid that I am not good enough for you. I want you to be happy, that’s all. If that means keeping the lid down then I can do that!
If that means not back seat driving then God help me I will wear a muzzle. I won’t flirt with the girl at Wal-Mart when I tell her that the last penny is hidden somewhere on my body. I won’t even flirt with the waiter at Perkins when I tell him the same thing! I won’t take candy from babies, or even cry like one when I don’t get a cherry sno-cone. I’ll never again tell you that the hockey game is more important that he fork you’ve jammed in the toaster in order to get my bread out.
Goddammit why can’t you see that I love you?
I’ll pay for the creams, the ointments, those little perfume balls that you make disappear only to have them reappear after a taco or two... That’s fine, I can handle that.
If you’d let me I’d love to be your husband. Do I have to take your name? Fine, I am not to attached to this one. Blood test? I’ll give them all they need. I’ll give you my car, my money, the clothes of my back, the Odor Eaters in my shoes... anything.. anything... just say that you’ll be my wife.
We’ve had our rough times, sure, I admit that. If I could ever apologize enough times for last night when you came home early I would. But I swear, sweetheart, that she was merely the clown I hired for your birthday... I have no idea how her horn ended up being filled with my privates!
But I mean it when I say I am sorry.
(He looks at the envelope, removing a card from inside.)
I got you this. It’s blank inside. I figured that you could just write in it whatever message you wanted to hear.
(He sets the card on the floor and backs away.)
I just hope that I am in it somewhere.
(exit)
