Lullaby and It's Gotta be Real-- or Sorta Real, Anyway Original Ranma 1/2 Fanfic by Richard Marshall Original Pop Candy Column by Whitney Matheson Misting By Darth KirbyEpisode #I015
* Legal Stuff * 'Lullaby' is copyrighted to Richard Marshall; Misting done with permission, thank you very much. Ranma 1/2 is copyrighted to Rumiko Takahashi. Pop Candy is copyrighted to Whitney Matheson; Misting done without permission, but I figure if I actually asked, she would make me sacrifice a goat or something. Whitney Matheson is copyrighted to a bunch of sadists somewhere. MST3k is copyrighted to BBI. MST4k is copyrighted to Darth Kirby. SKBSz isn't really copyrighted to anyone, really. It's in the "Phantom Zone" of copyright law. Feel free to use it, just let me know. Any other refs/riffs made in this fic belong to their respective owner. * Author's Notes * This is another one that took a while, although the Matheson column is just mean spirited, and the Ranma story ain't exactly an experiment in Utopia. This is a dark MiSTing. Enjoy it. Remember- There are advantages to being Ben Murphy... like being Ben Murphy! * Turn Down the Lights * (And enter the land of imagination...) In the not too distant future, 2001 AD, There was a guy named Joel, Sappy as he could be! He went to school at Normal West, Always working real hard to try his best But, in class, he used to snore! So his teachers put him on the third floor! (Joel: I'm a lonely girl!) "We'll send him crappy fanfics, "The worst we can find. (La la la) "He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind!" (La la la) Now keep in mind Joel can't control where the fanfics begin or end! He'll have to keep his sanity with the help of his robot friends! (Robot Roll Call) Cambot! (I'm a flying rooster!) Angela! (This sucks.) Jim Carrey! (I'm the Grinch!) Yiiiiiiiing! (And we're the chickens!) If you're wondering how he eats and chickens, And other science facts! Just repeat to yourself it's just a fic, And you should really just relax! For Mystery School Theater 4000! (twang) [The 3rd Floor of Normal West High School; Joel, Jim, and Ying are all gathered around the normally dormant television set.] Joel: Oh, hello again. I'm Joel Gentes, and these are my pals Jim Carrey and Ying. We're very lucky this week since Mr. Nelson has sent us up and actual tape to watch! Even better, it's an episode of Mystery Science Theater! Jim [Grimly]: Now tell them the bad news, Joel. Joel: Yes, well. . . it's not *really* MST3k. . . it's actually SKBSz. Shinpi Kagaku Butai 3000, the, erm, Japanese version of MST3k. Ying: Worse off, it's dubbed. Joel: Hey! Tom Servo's Japanese voice supposedly can break glass. I don't wanna risk it. Jim: And yet, in Japanese, Servo's called 'Round Happy Cheery Super Robo Death Boy'. Joel: Yes, well, give five Japanese screenwriters the chance to make a show about guys trapped in a Satellite forced to watch cheesy movies, and make it so that they can't be large breasted prepubescent girls with little clothing, and you have SKBSz. Jim: Yeah, but still, they replaced Gypsy with a Japanese super model. Ying: Well, now it has one thing going for it. Joel: Let's watch this bad boy. [Joel leans forward and hits play on the VCR] [Theme Song] In the very distant yet not too distant future At the edge of the Earth Colonies Their was an unrespectable business man named Mikado Who was caught in an overlong chase Pursued by female impersonator whose name was Oyster A not very nice person who was trying to take over the greater Tokyo area She inserted several inanimate objects in among her possessions And now she hunts them all across the universe! (Pearl: I shall attempt to capture you!) "I'll send him bad movies, "The worst in the world, "He'll have to sit and watch them all, "In this slot during prime time!" Now remember that Mikado can't control where the movies begin or end He'll have to remain Super Happy with the help of his mechanically inferior friends! Cambot! (Please present yourselves with honor!) Purple Richard Basehart Nutty Love Love Girl! (I am a bunny!) Round Happy Cheery Super Robo Death Boy! (It's time for a lot of nudity!) Kurasu!!! (Bat excrement!) If you have doubts of whether he eats or breathes Or of other proven scientific theories! Just tell yourself that we desperately need this paycheck So just leave the TV on for the next two hours! For Shinpi Kagaku Butai 3000! [BONG!] Mikado Nelson-san: Ah! Greetings to everyone! I am Mikado Nelson of the Satellite of Suke-suke! How are you today? Studio Audience: Fine, Nelson-chan! Mikado Nelson-san: That's 'san'! 'San'! Kurasu T. Roboto [Enters]: Yes, pa? Studio Audience: Ho ho ho! Very funny! Mikado Nelson-san: Ah, well, where is Round Happy Cheery Super Robo Death Boy? Kurasu T. Roboto: Round Happy Cheery Super Robo Death Boy? He is yet again building more Round Happy Cheery Super Robo Death Boy. Mikado Nelson-san: Really? Kurasu T. Roboto: Yes, and he is making them all try on his underwear collection. Studio Audience: Ho ho ho! Very funny! Mikado Nelson-san: I had better go and prevent Round Happy Cheery Super Robo Death Boy from being kicked in the metaphorical can. Kurasu T. Roboto: Or in his ass, either, Nelson-san. Mikado Nelson-san: Good point, Roboto. Purple Richard Basehart Nutty Love Love Girl [Enters]: Oh! Salutations, gentlemen of a lower sexual activity other than myself! I was just preparing to send out the overloaded amounts of materials from our many past journeys when I stumbled upon Mikado's collection of poorly translated American works! Kurasu T. Roboto: What a man of lesser social caliber! Studio Audience: Ho ho ho! Very funny! Purple Richard Basehart Nutty Love Love Girl: Ha ha! Geek! Mikado Nelson-san: I have no honor. I am shamed. Studio Audience: Ho ho ho! Very funny! [Mad lights begin to flash] Kurasu T. Roboto: Oh no. It seems that the Evil Mean Female Impersonator Oyster is calling us from the surface of this recently discovered planetoid mass! Mikado Nelson-san: Hello, Oyster, for what evil plot do you have with which to torment us with? [Planet's Surface] Oyster: Ah, greetings forcibly inferior male whom I will playingly call 'Ken'. Your long piece of film concerns a man of some importance who seems to do massive amounts of illegal substances. It is an American film of questionable magnitude named _Citizen Kane_. [Satelite of Suke-suke] Mikado Nelson-san: At last! A chance to regain my honor! Purple Richard Basehart Nutty Love Love Girl: I cannot allow you to succeed, Mikado Nelson-san! You will surely fail! Kurasu T. Roboto: Ha ha! Watch our amusing visit to the theater and learn! [Movie Lights begin to flash] Mikado Nelson-san: We must panic in a tightly organized substructure! Quickly, to the movie theater before it dissolves! 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... [Mikado enters, carrying Round Happy Cheery Super Robo Death Boy, followed by Kurasu.] > CITIZEN KANE > > > > by > Herman J. Mankiewicz > and > Orson Welles > > > Typed/Donated by > John Powers > Jon Reifler > > PROLOGUE > > FADE IN: > > EXT. XANADU - FAINT DAWN - 1940 (MINIATURE) > > Window, very small in the distance, illuminated. > > All around this is an almost totally black screen. [Joel reaches up and hits pause on the VCR] Jim: Okay........ Ying: Aren't they supposed to, you know, riff it? Joel: Oh, no. The Japanese feel that interrupting a movie with talking is a very high crime. [Pause] Jim: Then why the f*** did they make a Japanese version of this show?!? Joel: I don't know. It was a failure in Japan, too, because the Japanese didn't understand why one man no longer had to work just to watch movies. They felt he was a bum and should be outcast from society. Ying: But that doesn't make any sense! Joel: I KNOW! Jim: I think it's just all in the dubbing. Joel: Really? I don't know. . . Ying: Yeah, let's try for a copy that holds the authentic Japanese taste. [Mad lights begin to flash] Joel: Well, here goes nothing. Sirs? The dubbing sucks! It looks like DiC did it! Can we have a subbed copy, please? [Room 209; Mr Nelson is facing the camera while a very high pitched shrill sound fills the air. Mr. Meyers screams can be heard] Mr. Nelson: I don't know if that's advisable, Gentes. Tod is watching episode #103, _The Empire Strikes Back_, and it's subtitled. It seems that the Big Round Happy Death thing has a song in it. [Mr. Meyer screams at the top of his lungs] Mr. Nelson: And it's a very long song, to be sure. Nonetheless, I'm trying to rule the world, not kill everyone, or else this would be the perfect weapon. [The shrill sound stops] Mr. Nelson: By the way, Gentes, you get another double header this week. I decided to combine the worst elements of my best experiments. First is a short Ranma 1/2 diddy in which a beloved character is killed. The second is a column written by Whitney Matheson. [Mr. Meyer enters. His hair is blown back.] Mr. Meyer [Shouting]: It may have been annoying and high pitched, but it was all worth it to see Purple Bunny Chick topless! Woo! [3rd Floor; Fanfic sign is flashing] Joel: Oh, man, not another double header! Jim: See! I told you we were missing something in the translation! Ying: Nudity! The universal language! Joel [Slaps the button]: Oh, you guys, we've got Fanfic sign!!!! [Cambot and the gang enters the elevator and it goes up a floor.] * DING * {Fourth floor, bad fanfics galore!} Ying: Omai konai kenendiao! Joel: Disturbing. Just disturbing. Jim: Hey, at least it's a Ranma fic this week. Joel: But he compared it to '18 Year Reunion'. Ying: Uh oh. > Legal stuff: Ying: White people are officially registered to Nabisco, copyright 2001. > Ranma and the character from Ranma 1/2 are the properties > of Rumiko Takahashi, Viz Video and other subsidiaries. Joel: Well, at least this guy has a spell check. Jim: A two character play? It had better not be Akane... Ying: Now for the illegal stuff... > > > Ranma: Lullaby Ying: Ranma Saotome is back and he's out for blood in 'Ranma: Lullaby'. > > (dark) Ying: Oh, rats, and here I was hoping for a fic in which Ranma and Akane would run through a field of butterflies on a sunny day. Joel: I guess this means we can be dark. Jim: Wahoo! Okay. Ranma kills everyone and then himself. The end. Joel: Maybe not *that* dark. . . > > Nabiki ran down the stares of her home. Ying: The house is a voyeur. Jim: Hm, one sentence and the similarities to 'Big Brother' are already alarming me. > It was the > middle of the night and she was sweating. Joel: Nabiki had been doing midnight aerobics with Kuno, if you get our drift. Jim: Joel! That is so OOC for her. Joel: Says who? Jim: The Kuno Files, Joel! Joel: The Kuno Files. Jim: Yes, the Kuno Files (*URL*) is your one stop, faith destroying website! Joel: Nice plug. Jim: Thank you. > Her dreams > became worse and she did not know what was causing them. Ying: Maybe she should stop eating so much Ukyo Brand Okonomyaki [TM]. Joel: There's no such thing as too much Ukyo Brand Okonomyaki [TM]! Jim: Perhaps Kodachi Kuno Cookies? > All she could remember was her ear-piercing scream as she > awoke. Ying [Nabiki]: I forgot to charge someone insane amounts of interest! NOOOOOO! Joel: Present this fanfic and get twenty percent off Nabiki's scream's next ear piercing. > ~maybe~ she thought. ~maybe some water will > help.~ Jim: ~then~ she thought some more ~i'll spray it on Shampoo and hilarity will ensue.~ > She took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen. Joel: She took a deep breath because Ranma and Ryoga had battled in an Anything Goes Martial Arts Salad Shooter Contest, and you know how those things get out of hand. > Her eyes saw a flicker of light dance across the table. Ying: She stuck a five dollar bill in it's G-string. > > A blare of light caused her to back up and flinch as > the overhead light was turned on. Jim [Nabiki]: I wasn't stealing the last brownie!! > Her eyes focused in time > to see it was Ranma who came down upon her with quick > and agile speed. Joel [Ranma]: NABIKI! Look! I caught a Chibicara when my Pikachu used Thundershock! Ying [Nabiki]: On Route 33 or by the Rainbow Bridge? Jim: Poke-dorks. Joel + Ying: Hey! > > She gasped and stumbled back into the hallway as he > pressed her back. Joel [Ranma]: Nabiki! Do you want to work your back muscles more? Get the new Torso Track! If you don't believe me, how about three time Mr. Universe Chris Taylor? > The knife in his hand. That was the flicker > she saw before. Ying: So, he's trying to kill her? Jim: The pieces of the puzzle are falling into place... Joel: The cats out of the bag. Ying: Would you guys just answer the question? You sound like Vincent Shepard. Joel: Yes, Ranma is going to kill Nabiki. Ying: Oh. Huh. Why? [Shrugs] Joel: I guess we'll see. > It had a small smileyface etched into the > metal, the company logo Kasumi liked too much at this > point. Jim: A little too TOO much at this point, considering how she'd been buying leather, whips and chains in bulk. now. Joel: She's just waitin' for Doc Tofu to snap. > Her eyes caught glimpses of the steel as it edged to > her throat. She could feel the cold sharpness of the razor > like edge, for making even cuts of vegetables. Jim: You know, this would have never have happened if Kasumi had just bought the special Ukyo Brand Okonomyaki Knives [TM]. Ying: Yes, dull as day and sharp as Ryoga, these special limited edition knives can cut anything! Tomatoes, potatoes, plastic, wood, solid steel, and even through the throats of pesky unnecessary fiancés! Jim: Order now, and your Ukyo Brand Okonomyaki Knives [TM] will come with a free quart of Nabiki Tendo's blood, courtesy of Ranma! > She > swallowed and the blade cut slightly into her skin. Joel [Bob Costas]: Oh, that's a nice cut, but I'm afraid Ranma needs to go deeper for the full effect. Ying: Ugh. That's dark, Joel. Joel: Point being? Ying: Nothing. Just thought I'd point it out. Joel: Okay. > > She could feel the tightness of her throat as it tried in > vain to shrink away from the instrument. Ying: Ranma could shrink. All he has to do is soak in cold water! [Pause] Ying: I mean, if he *didn't* turn into a well built female. Joel: Good one, Ying. > Her heart pounded > and she was sure that with his skills he could hear it echo in > her skull. Jim: As if to demonstrate, Ranma, in a flash, cut the wings off a nearby fly before Nabiki could even catch her breath. Ying [Ranma]: Learned that one from Miyagi. > He breathed hot, smokey breath from his lips. Jim: Then it's pulled back to reveal that he's been holding her hostage with a dil-- Joel: That word had better not end with an 'o'. This is NOT a porno. Jim: --pickle. A dill pickle. He had really just been hungry for a sandwich. Joel: Good switch. > They were inches from her cheek. Ying: ~centimeters in Europe~ Nabiki thought ~but now i'm just nitpicking.~ > The other pressed firmly > on thewall she desperately wanted to fall through. Joel: Nabiki desperately wishes to be in an old 40's horror flick so she could just fall through the set. Jim: The name's Thewall. Bob Thewell. I sell insurance. > > Anywhere would have been better than this. Ying: Except maybe Euro Disney. They might have mimes there. > Anywhere. Jim: But Here. > She should have stayed in bed. Gods she should > have stayed in bed. Joel: Now her only hope was to swing around and poke his eyes out with her hair. > It was choking her to know that at any > moment he could take her life. Ying [Akane]: *yawn* Morning you guys, just thought I'd get some milk-AHH! > But he was letting her sweat. Jim: It was needed for Dr. Oliver's Cat Scalp Tonic. Joel: Are you implying Nabiki is a cat? [Pause] Jim: Well she does have- Joel: Never mind, don't want it answered. > > His confident eyes bore holed in the side of her > head. Ying: Bore holed? > She could feel them watching the sweat build at the > hairline and slowly fall down her cheek and neck. Joel [Nabiki]: Oh, and now I have to go to the bathroom! > She > closed her eyes tightly, a mistake that let loose a single tear > of fear from her closed eyes. Jim [Nabiki]: Oh, damn all the litter in this room... > > She was showing weakness, she berated her self for > such low tolerance in fear. Ying: She promised that next time she'd go on the Roller Coaster of Horror five times instead of her usual four. Joel: And so her fear was filled with fear that was all very fearful, of course. > Her eyes burned with new tears Joel: Her heart burned with new acid. > and her head ached with her lunges yearning for a scream. Jim: I'll say. Her lunges are screaming to me for help. Joel: She should work out more. Jim: Indeed. > She could feel the pressure of the knife twist under his > movement as he watches her. He watched her suffer. Ying: Then he got bored and started to tickle her. > ~How > degrating!~ her mind yelled at her. Joel: It's so degrading, too. > How can he do this?!~ Jim [Nabiki]: ~doesn't he have anything better to do? i'm sure there's a good soccer game on espn.~ > Her tears flowed more freely as a silent sob escaped her lips. Ying [Nabiki]: Oh, Bambi's mother, no...! > ~I'm stronger than this..~ her mind was losing to the fear of > death. Joel [Bob Costas]: Fear of Death is up to the plate, hitting a two thirty for the season. Nabiki is in the windup... lower right corner-- oh! Fear of Death got a good phwack on it... it's going, it's going, it's a homerun! Fear of Death is kicking Nabiki Tendo's rear, one to zero. Jim + Ying [Bored crowd]: Yeah. > > Her will torn from her she wept. Ying [Nabiki]: Give me my Wil Wheaton doll back! > He let her fall into a > ball on the ground. Jim: It was one of those giant plastic hamster balls. Ying: From then on, Nabiki was forced to be Ranma's pet hamster. Joel: I don't know, that doesn't really live up to the tone of the story. Ying: Maybe she becomes an evil hamster. Joel: Good idea! > Her sobs came unheeded as she cried. Jim [Nabiki]: I knew I couldn't make it through _The Iron Giant_ one more time! > Her soft whimpers of fear giving another inch into her wall. Joel: Her wall? Jim: Another inch? Ying: The metaphors are really stretching... well, if we knew what the metaphors were, I suppose it wouldn't be. > She shook with each sob. Ying [Nabiki]: Oh woe is me. . . all the people I never got to screw over, all the plans I had to mess up. . . and I just had another roll of Akane pictures to sell to Kuno. . . > > Then at the height of her loss of control. Jim: Fragment! [Punches Joel] Joel: Hey! It's not a fragment. [Punches Jim] It's saying that she was then at the loss of her control. Jim: It's a fragment! There's no verb! [Punches Joel] Joel: Stop that! [They start to fight] > Only then > did he drive the cold steel through her throat. Ying [Ranma]: It's been fun Nabiki, but now it's time to die! Joel [Fighting]: Hiryu shooten ha! Jim [Fighting]: Shi shi hokuden! [Ying grabs a bucket of water and splashes them with it] Joel [Female Ranma]: What did you do that for? Jim [P-Chan]: Squeel! Ying: Stop it you guys. You aren't making this go any faster. > Her eyes > opened in shock as a gurgle of a scream died under the flat > surface of the blade as it slowly slid from her flesh and > dropped to the floor with a clatter. Jim [Ranma]: Oops. I had an evil thought. Joel [Ranma]: Wait a sec. It was Genma that I was trying to kill! D'oh! > She eyed it carefully as > the dim awareness of her brain fought off the light > threatening to take her sight. Ying: Well, time for Nabiki to join Akane between sleep and awareness. . . Joel: Stop that. > She could see the blood > pooling under her as she slowly, slowly bled to death. . . Joel: So... Nabiki is dead. Jim: Long live... Nabiki? Ying: I never liked her that much. Jim: And this is probably the only one about her dying. Joel: Yep. Ying: Ahh.... > > * * * * * * [They get up to leave] Joel: This fanfic brought to you by the Cadalac North Star System. Ying: Buy a car where ever they are sold. [Joel looks at the elevator lights] Joel: The doors aren't open. Jim: Maybe Richard needs to put in some technical credits. [They sit back down] > > > > Joel: Now, for what you've all been waiting for, the spoilers for Scary Movie 4... > With a chilling scream Nabiki tore herself from > sleep. Ying: *cough* Cop out! *cough* Joel [Rod Serling]: We enter a universe of a nightmare... a place where Nabiki Tendo learns the true meaning of fear... a place between sleep and awareness... a place of crappy plot contrivances.... that is the Ranma Zone. > Tears still wet on her cheeks and sweat beading down. Jim: She had been worried about the Powerpuff Girls! How sweet! > She was soaked from head to toe in sweat. Joel [Nabiki]: I'll just go get myself a drink of water... > > * * * * * * Jim: This unnecasary twist ending brought to you by the Pod People. Joel: They can do stupid things! > > > Fin~ Ying: Well. Jim: So. No motive, eh? Joel: Nope. Ying: Huh. Well, it was a brief ride, but a nasty little dark one. > > > Send C&C (it would be appreciated) to: Jim: Sickbastard@hotmail.com Joel: Nabikikiller@angelfire.com Ying: Overadjectivizationiscool@bobolink.com Jim: Er, how would you send this guy Comand & Conquer, anyway? > Richard Marshall email: Knightdrg1@aol.com Joel: Oh, 'Knight in Drag 1'. Jim: That's 'Knight Dragon 1', genius. > > This story came from a nagging feeling I had a while I was > Sleeping A dream one can say, it wasn't really a nightmare > Just a feeling. Joel: That's called indigestion, Richard. > I'm also not sure if it is the ending, maybe some day I'll > Write another page or two. . . Maybe Jim [Richard]: If you were worried about my mental health before, wait until you read the sequel! Ying: Richard sounds like the type of person who doesn't have any friends and obsesses over cloaks, paganism and alien spaceships trailing comets. Joel: Indeed. But I like him anyway. Ying: Agreed. > > > Back to the Ranma 1/2 Library Fanfic Archive Jim: The Ranma 1/2 Library Fanfic Archive, your place for the darkness of Richard Marshall, the misgivings of David Swanton, the psychodelicness of Noriko Hirano, the rip-offishness of RJ, and the evil of Chris Vegvary. Joel: A true meeting of the minds. [They get up and leave] [Exit] * DING! * {Third floor, it smells!} [Kurasu is dressed as Sailor Moon as Mikado and Round Happy Cheery Super Robo Death Boy enter] Mikado: Round Happy, it seems that after watching some more excerpts from today's experiment, Kurasu have been driven to madness and forced to dress as Usagi, from Sailor Moon. Round Happy: Gee, Kurasu, I didn't realize this Kane stuff was getting to you so badly. Kurasu: Moon Prism Power! Leap! Where are you Chibi-Usa? Where are you? Oh, hey you guys, what are you up to? Mikado: Ah, this does not bode well. [Joel presses pause on the VCR again; he's sitting alone] Joel: Weird stuff. Watching redubs of dubbed movies really gives ya a headache. [Ying darts in; he quickly holds a letter opener to Joel's throat] Ying: Ah ha! Now I have you, Gentes! Joel: Oh, hello, Ying. Uh... what's with the knife to the throat? Ying: What's... with...? I dunno. Just feel like it. Joel: Oh. Well. [Pause] Could you stop? Ying: Uh... no. Let's see you lose your will to live. Joel: I can't lose my will to live. I lost it in Chemistry class last semester. Ying: Oh. [Pause] Then why haven't you killed yourself? Joel: Oh, you know, I design an elaborate expensive way to kill myself and a new and better way just comes along. Ying: Yeah. Well. Then I'll make you cry! Cry, baby, cry! Joel: Er. No. I'm not in the crying mood. Ying: Think litter Joel. Joel [Distressed]: No, I won't! Ying: Lots and lots of litter! Then think sequels! Think how many Vegvary fics we've got coming! Joel [Bites his lip]: I won't! Ying: And I'll bet Ukyo dies in each one. Joel [Let's out a quick sob]: No she doesn't! Ying: Yes she will! And it'll have blood and tits and maybe even a line for Kuno! Joel: No! NOOOOOOOOOO! [Joel begins to cry; Ying laughs menancingly] Ying: Well, time to end this! Joel: Not, Ukyo! No, Ying, don't! Ying [Offers handle of letter opener to Joel]: Here. Joel [Stops crying]: What? Ying: Here. I need you to open a letter for me. Joel: Is that all you wanted this whole time? Ying: Yeah. Why? Joel: What about all that stuff about breaking my will? Ying [Laughs]: Geez, Joel, that's just for the fun of it. Joel [Chuckles] Oh, see, if it's all in good fun-- [Grabs the letter opener and holds it to Ying's throat] How do you feel now? Ying: Joel? What are you doing? Joel: I'm stealing your will to live. Ying: I don't have a will to live. I'm a sock puppet. I'm not essentially alive to begin with. Joel: Oh. Well. [Jim enters wearing a costume to resemble Sailor Moon.] Jim: Moon Prism Power! Leap! Where are you Chibi-Usa? Where are you? Oh, hey you guys, what are you up to? Joel: Not much. Ying: Nothing... say, Jim, why are you dressed like Sailor Moon? Jim: Me? Oh, it's a funny story. I was passing Angela's room when I heard that she needed a letter opener. Lo and behold, I didn't have one, so she forced-- [Fanfic sign begins to flash] Ying: Ah, this does not bode well. Jim: I'll tell you guys the rest later. Joel: We've got Matheson sign!!! Read the second half here... http://www.angelfire.com/ia/crossroads/i015b.html