Queen for a Day Dream Original Column By Bob Herguth Misting By Darth KirbyEpisode #I014
* Legal Stuff * 'Queen for a day dream' is copyrighted to Bob Herguth. It was published in a national newspaper, so I didn't have to ask for it! Nyah nyah nyah nyah! Also, any illegal substance Bob was on is copyrighted to it's respective owner, and, like usual, MST4k is copyrighted to ME, Darth Kirby, loser and all around strange guy. MST3k belongs to BBI. Anything else mentioned is copyrighted to their respected to their individual owner. If any one gets at odds with this, I'll withdraw it from public display, although I reserve the right to mock this for the rest of my life. Thank you. * Author's Notes * I'd like to note that I don't encourage alcoholism. Any jokes made are stupid. STUPID. My apologies. Oh, and I have nothing against Long Island, either. Well, not MUCH. Remember- If stupid people didn't have guns then the smart people would take over! * Turn Down the Lights * (And enter the land of imagination...) In the not too distant future, 2002 AD, There was a guy named Joel, Sappy as he could be! He went to school at Normal West, Always working real hard to try his best But, in class, he used to snore! So his teachers put him on the third floor! (Joel: Bie lao!!!) "We'll send him crappy fanfics, "The worst we can find. (La la la) "He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind!" (La la la) Now keep in mind Joel can't control where the fanfics begin or end! He'll have to keep his sanity with the help of his robot friends! (Robot Roll Call) Cambot! (Another guest star?) Angela! (At least I don't have to read em'!) Jim Carrey! (Whoa. What is the MiSTing?) Yiiiiiiiing! (Not another columnist!!!) If you're wondering how he eats and glees, And other science facts! Just repeat to yourself it's just a fic, And you should really just relax! For Mystery School Theater 4000! (twang) [The 3rd Floor of Normal West High School; it's empty until Joel enters from the left] Joel: Oh! Hello everyone. Welcome again to the 3rd floor of Normal West High School. I'm Joel Gentes, computer/video game/Ranma junkie extrordinaire. It seems we only have seven more episodes of the season left, before some big climax thing happens, so I implore you, read the next seven fanfics, 'cuz this has nothing to do with anything. [Jim darts in from the right] Jim: Hey, Joel, can I ask you something? Joel: Why, sure you may, Jim. Jim: Can I marry Ying? [Joel goes pale] Joel: What? Jim: Well, the robots in Mystery Science Theater 3000 always tried to marry each other, I thought a good wedding could bring up the spirits of everyone around here. Joel [Looking weirded out]: I guess it's okay... if you both feel that way... Jim: Well, I sure do-- Joel, are you feeling okay? Joel: Well, Jim, the robots on MST3k were kind of... I dunno, *different*... Jim: How so? Joel: Well, they were more... ambigously gendered. Jim: Meaning? Joel: You and Ying are both guys. Jim: EW! You mean...?! EEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!! I'm gonna be sick!!! [Jim darts off stage] Joel: I'd better go clean up. Cardboard cut outs barf up styrofoam chips. Don't worry, it doesn't make any sense to me either. [Joel chases after him; Ying sneaks on] Ying: Why, hello, ladies and gentlemen. It seems that my friend Joel was mistaken up above when he said that nothing was happening today, because it seems that, in fact, you are gonna witness the birth of an idea. Yes, you're gonna see how, in seven measly weeks, Jim and I are going to set up Angela and Joel for a blind date. There will be many obsticles. There will be death, destruction, and possibly zesty banana pudding, but it'll be worth it, since it will bring together two soulmates, who won't beat each other up, or throw cake at each other, or do anything stupid ever again, especially call me "Ying-a-ling." [Jim darts back on] Jim: By the way, I was faking that just so that Ying could make this little spiel. Ying: Yep. He was. Definantly. Jim: Yep. [Pause] Jim: Okay! So did you explain to them the plan? Ying: Where's Joel? Jim: Trapped on the Satellite of Love. Ying: OUR Joel. Jim: Oh, he was cleaning up after those styrofoam chips, commented that they looked like Angela's breasts, only bigger, and got whacked on the head with a toaster. Ying: Oh, not the toaster, too. Jim: Hey, it hasn't worked since you and Joel spent the enitre day trying to stuff large pizzas in it. Ying [Unpleased]: Medium sized ones would have worked. Jim: ANYWAY, did you tell them about the plan? Ying: Oh! Oh! No. Okay, it goes like this. One week before hand, Jim and I leave a little decorated note under both of their doors. Then they will both be amazed at the sensitivity at the letter and quickly rush to our set up date, where they will schmooze by candle light. [Pause] Ying: Okay, it's cliched, but I couldn't think of anything better. Jim: Hey! You rejected my idea for Spam-o-grams! Ying: Oh, shut up. [Mad lights begin to flash] Ying: Remember! Seven weeks! I021! Jim: Isn't a bit risky to set it up for the season finale? Ying: Oh, nothing ever happens during the season finale. Jim: Right. . . [Room 209] Mr. Nelson: Oh, hello, playthings. [Condescending] Would the cute widdle robots go find Joel? Would they? [3rd Floor; Ying is alone.] Ying: Would the stupid jackass stop pandering to us? Would he? [Joel stumbles in] Joel: Oh, man. . . I feel like I got hit on the head with an oven. Jim: It was a toaster. Joel: Quiet, prole. [Room 209] Mr. Nelson: Ah, Joel. So nice of you to join us. Time for your experiment! [3rd Floor] Joel: Uh. . . no se habla ingles? [Room 209] Mr. Nelson: You're definantly losing it. [Grins evilly] Soon, Gentes, SOON! I'll conquer the world! HA HA HA! I'm so evil! HA HA! MWA HA! First the 3rd Floor! Then the 2nd Floor! Then the 1st Floor! Then the gym! Then France! THEN THE WORLD! HA HA HA!!!!! [3rd Floor] Ying: Who's driving who insane? Joel: Oh, come off it, Mr. N, let's get this over with. [Room 209] Mr. Nelson: Ahem. Today is another piece of dreck from a columnist. I'm afraid Whitney Matheson was busy, so here is a guy from Chicago, Bob Herguth, with 'Queen for a day dream'. [3rd Floor] Joel: Great. Well. So. Let's go. Jim: No panic? Joel: Nah. What's the use? [Fanfic sign begins to flash] Jim: Well. Ying: Oh, screw it. We've got fanfic sign!!!! [Cambot and the gang enters the elevator and it goes up a floor.] * DING * {Fourth floor, bad fanfics galore!} Joel: I'm not gonna panic. I've regained my cool. Jim: Groovy. Joel: ARGH, I HATE THAT WORD! Ying: You guys are nuts. > Queen for a day dream Joel: I thought Queen broke up. > > June 14, 2000 Jim: *snort* Exactly sixty years since Paris fell to the Nazis. Coincidence? > > BY BOB HERGUTH Jim: The guy who puts the 'Herguth' into 'Herguthy'! Joel: 'I see a little siloetto of a man...' > > > > > Idreamed that I Joel: Spaced correctly? Jim: Just what we need. A weird dream sequence. Ying [Bob]: I dreamed I was between sleep and awareness. . . > dropped into Billy Goat's the other morning for a late breakfast Jim: But they were all rather gruff, so I just headed over to the Gingerbread House, instead. Ying: But it's never too late for 'Breakfast'! > and this > regal-looking lady was sitting by herself at a table. Joel: Oh, that's just Dennis Rodman. > > All the other patrons were at the bar watching Oprah on TV. Ying: Yes, people in Chicago don't have a life either. Jim: Really, would you put a woman who encourages people to eat less on in a bar? > > So I sat down with the royal-looking lady to keep her company. Joel [Bob]: I was gonna score with the queen, dude! > > She was wearing a crown and a robe. She looked well-preserved. Jim [Bob]: If ya know what I mean... > > "I'll bet you're Miss Congeniality at the pageant," I joked to her. Ying: Not a real joke, but an incredible simulation. If this had contained actual humorous content, you would have heard directions to the nearest bomb shelter. > > "We are not amused," Joel: Resistance is futile, columnist, you will be assimilated. > the lady said with the kind of accent you hear on BBC shortwave. Jim: Or in Great Brittain in general, that'll work too. . . > > "Sometimes I slip away from the Palace and come here for a double cheeseburger," > the lady said. Ying [The Queen]: Yep, I just slip by the hundreds of armed guards, the thousands of people who would easily recognize me on the street, get on an airplane indiscreetly, fly to Chicago without a connecting flight in New York, and then walk the dozens of miles to this bar to get one double cheesburger. > > "You work at the Palace cafeteria?" I surmised. "I'm not familiar with that one. > Is it in Rockford? Do they make you doll up like that if you work the > cash register?" Joel [Bob]: Is your middle name 'Lynn'? Ying [Bob]: Does Rockford smell funny? Jim [Bob]: Will Sue admit that she really loves Johnny? > > "Eckchually," Joel: Geshundiet. > the lady said, "This time I came here to also try some Long Island > iced tea. I read that it's popular in Chicago. Jim: Just like gangs, drugs, and pollution. If it's popular in Chicago, let's do it everywhere else! Joel: Whoa, boy. > > "Long Island iced tea!" I echoed loudly. Joel: Now for the big drinking scene. Woo hoo. > > The bartender heard me--Oprah had paused for breath on TV Ying: And to swallow another pig whole. > --and he started pouring all > sorts of things into two quart-sized goblets he kept under the bar for visiting > Presidential hopefuls. Jim: Really, keeping stuff around for Ross Perot isn't a good idea. > > He put a shot and some beer in the goblets. And rum, vodka, tequila, > gin and triple sec. Joel: What is this guy, the Alchohol Columnist? Jim: The Afflicted. The Anonymous. The Alcholic. Bob Herguth IS the Anti-AA. Ying: Ah, the AAA then. > > "On my tab," I said. Ying [Mr. Kuruthers]: You can't have a tab until you order something! > > The lady with the crown picked up one of the goblets and drained it! Joel [Bob]: Uh, m'am, you're supposed to drink it... > > "Yum," she said. > > I made a grab for my goblet but she beat me to it and drained that too! Ying [Queen]: Oh, my, I'm wasted! Say, Bob, wanna come to the palace for a night cap? > > The lady seemed to go into a reverie. Jim: She jumped on the table and began to can-can. > Then she adjusted her crown and said: Joel [Queen]: WHAAASSSSUPP??? > > "Long Island! My family owned it once." > > "It did?" I asked, going along with the gag. Ying: If you haven't picked it up, Bob isn't exactly from the gifted class in school. > > "Yes," she said, "but Georgie the Third gave it away. At least he > thought he did. Because I have the title to Long Island right here > in my purse." Joel: *cough* Plot contrivance! *cough* > > "What you going to do with it?" I asked. Jim: Sell it for a good striptease. Joel: Hey, I'll bet the queen gets knocked up all the time. Ying: *shudder* Don't do that! > > "I was going to tip the nice man who makes my double cheeseburgers," > she confided. "But here--it's yours because you called me Miss > Congeniality." Jim: So Sandra Bullock is the queen? Joel: So remember, folks, complimenting old ladies while simutaneously thinking they're totally bonkers will certainly land you an wealthy landmass. Ying: Wise advice for presidential hopefuls. > > "Wow!" I said, accepting a crumbly old rolled-up piece of parchment > with lots of "herebys" and "whereases" on it. Joel: I'll show you 'where ass'. Ying: Joel! Watch it. > > "What am I going to do with Long Island?" I asked. Jim: The only logical choice I see is invading Conneticut. Joel: I'll say! Those Conneticut snobs are really due for a comeuppance! Ying: o/~ Blame Conneticut! Blame Conneticut! For all the grass that they have got, for all the snodgrass and snot, blame Conneticut! Blame Conneticut! o/~ Jim: o/~ It's not even a real state anyways. o/~ > > "If nothing else, the pool-cleaning franchise must be worth millions," she said. Joel: In Long Island? Is there anything in Long Island worth anything? > > Then she excused herself and said she was going to the ladies room. Jim: But in actuality, she went to the mens room! Huzzah! > > Suddenly there was a commotion at the bar. Joel: Oprah had jumped out of the TV and began to eat patrons!!! Ying: No, that only happens on Thursdays. Joel: Oh. Never mind. > > Two guys had just come in, one in kilts and the other in a bearskin hat. Jim: Yuck. It's J. Edgar Hoover and Gorbachov on a holiday. Ying: I'm just imagining big black boxes over the rest of their bodies. Joel: What kind of weirdo would wear only a bearskin hat? > > "Where is she?" they asked the bartender. Ying: Where is Carmen Sandiego? > > To make a long story short--actually, a Long Island iced tea story short Jim: TOO LATE. > --the lady wasn't > in the powder room. Ying: She was in the _Mask_ room. Jim: SMOKIN'! Ying: Wrong _Mask_, dummy. > She had given us the slip. Joel: And on it was a Snufulupugus named 'Snoopy'. > > "Let's go, Cedric," said the kilted guy to the bearskin hat. Jim: Montgomery Scott and Cedric Diggory are on the prowl! Joel: Yuck! Don't make me imagine Montgomery Scott naked. > > "Righto, Jock," said the Bearskin Hat. Joel: The Bearskin Hat is talking? Geesh. This Bob needs clinical help and he needs it _now_. > "Maybe she took the CTA back home this time." Jim: CTA? Crappy Train Avatar? Ying: Cool Trippin' Adventure? Joel: Crazy Tootin' Albino? > > "Try her at the Palace cafeteria," I said helpfully. > > They looked at me funny and left. Joel [Bob]: I guess I should have put my toupee on correctly today. > > The counterman said, "Hey, what I'm gonna do with this double cheeseburger > for Queenie?" Ying [Bob]: Quick, feed it to Oprah before she eats us! > > "I'll eat it," I said. "Where are the raw onions." Jim: Right next to your question mark. > > I should take a cheap flight to Long Island and check it out. Joel: What? The raw onions? Ying: Joel, I'm confused. Joel: Trust me, Ying, you are not half as confused as the guy who wrote this. > > Maybe they serve Chicago Iced Tea on Long Island. Jim [Drugged up]: Maybe I oughta stop smoking this iced tea! Whoa!! Joel: And so he lived happily ever after for the next twenty minutes until he was eaten by Oprah. Ying: The end. [Get up to leave] Joel: I, for one, am supremely disapointed by the lack of a Prince cameo. Jim: Or Queen cameos. [Exit] * DING! * {Third floor, it smells!} [3rd Floor; Joel and Ying enter and look around] Ying: Hey! Wasn't the Queen supposed to guest star? Joel: Where is she? [Jim darts in] Jim: Sorry guys, the Queen called. She had to cancel at the last minute. She really wanted a triple cheeseburger in San Diego. Joel: Oh *man*. Jim: Oh, but she did give me the deed to Canada. Ying: Wow. I always wanted Canada. Jim: Yeah, but the guys who live in Canada probably won't honor that agreement. Joel [Pulls out a slip of paper]: True. But, hey, when I called the queen to book her appearance, she gave me a deed, too! Ying: Really? What's it to? Joel [Skims it]: Uh... the Falkland Islands? Jim: Er... you'd better send it back. Joel: I dunno. I could sell it to Argentina for big bucks. Ying: Good idea, Joel, cause international war. Joel: Well... there's always Ebay. Jim: Good plan. Ying: Well. Joel: So. Jim: Yeah. Ying: Well, we have no skit to do, so, uh, how about a thoughtful discussion of the column? Joel: Well. . . okay. How about the fact that it was stupid? Jim: That's not criticism, that's just insulting it. Joel: Oh, fine. Listen, Bob; first, you have to appeal to your audience. Who do you think would enjoy this? Anyone? No. Second, you have to actually try and add a degree of intelligence. You have to prove that you have enough smarts to realize that no one owns Long Island, and if anyone did besides the government of the United States or the massive gang population, then we would have some major problems. Jim: Alright. Anything else? Joel: STOP BEING SO FREAKING STUPID! Ying: Right. [Mad lights begin to flash] Jim: At last. Joel: Well, sirs, surreal to say the least. Until next week? [Room 209; Mr. Meyer and Mr. Nelson are pacing] Mr. Meyer: We have to stretch out this episode. Mr. Nelson: I know, but how? [Pace; Mr. Nelson suddenly stops] Mr. Nelson: I know! Let's find some Long Island iced tea! Mr. Meyer: Hell yeah! Mr. Nelson: Tod? Mr. Meyer: Yeah? Mr. Nelson: What is a Long Island iced tea? Mr. Meyer: He he, you'll see. You'll see! Mwa ha ha! Mr. Nelson: Well, Gentes, we're off on a learning experience. Until next week, prepare for the worst! BBBBBBBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPCredits Chronology: MYSTERY SCHOOL THEATER 4K: SEASON ZERO (2001-2002) I001: "Anime Biology" by Vejitto (Anime, prose) I002: "Deserted" by RJ (Ranma 1/2) I003: "Between Sleep and Awareness" by Noriko Hirano (Ranma 1/2) I004: "Know Your Enemy" by Anonymous (Rant) I005: "18 Year Reunion" by Chris Vegvary (Ranma 1/2) I006: "The New Age Conspiracy: Discoveries in Prophecy Lecture #7" by Mark Finley (Rant) I007: "Chat with Bryan Fuller! Part I." a chat transcript (Voyager, DS9) I008: "Chat with Bryan Fuller! Part II." a chat transcript (Voyager, DS9) I009: "Music" by Kacie Boskey (Rugrats) I010: "25% Off Pooh Keyboard!" and "It's Never to Late for 'Breakfast'" by XOOM.com and Whitney Matheson (Add, Prose) I011: "The Closet" by David B. Swanton (Ranma 1/2) I012: "Vincent Shepard: On an Expedition to Egypt" by Tibor (Indiana Jones) I013: "Your own website in minutes!" and "Please, make the flashing lights stop" by XOOM.com and Whitney Matheson (Spam, Prose) I014: "Queen for a day dream" by Bob Herguth (Prose) Coming Soon: I015: "Ranma: Lullaby" and "It's got to be real - or sorta real, anyway" by Richard Marshall and Whitney Matheson (Ranma 1/2, Prose) I016: "Rugrats in Paris Preview" and "The Trial" by Mark Wroniak (Add, Rugrats) I017: "Ranma 1/2: Hot Limit: Chapter 1" by Kain (SI, Ranma 1/2) I018: "Ranma 1/2: Hot Limit: Chapter 2" by Kain (SI, Ranma 1/2) I019: "Ranma 1/2: Hot Limit: Chapter 3" by Kain (SI, Ranma 1/2) I020: "Hard to Handle" by Chris Vegvary (Ranma 1/2) I021: "Sanctuary" Story by Gabe Essoe & Kelley Miles, teleplay by Frederick Rappaport (DS9) > "I'll bet you're Miss Congeniality at the pageant," I joked to her. Darth Kirby Hero of Time * Obsessed Pervert "So: I lied... I cheated... I bribed men to cover the crimes of other men. I am an accessory to murder. But the most damning thing of all: I think I can live with it, and if I had to do it all over again, I would." -Sisko, "By the Pale Moonlight"Queen for a day dream
Original Column by Bob Herguth MiSTing by Danny Available at http://www.angelfire.com/ak/captainoftheexplorer/mst4k.html Send me feedback at 'dannystar@switchboardmail.com' Visual Effects by ILM Ranma jokes courtesy Acme Comics Pokémon/Sailor Moon info courtesy Kurt Joel Gentes... Joel Ying... Patrick Jim Carrey... Danny Mr. Nelson ... TV's Bob Mr. Meyer... Fran Angela Hevrin... Angela Mystery School Theater Love Theme By Danny and PatrickThanks to anyone who enjoyed this. Keep posting the fics!