Your own website in minutes!
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Please, make the flashing lights stop Original Spam and Pop Candy Column By XOOM.com and Whitney Matheson Misting By Darth KirbyEpisode #I013
* Legal Stuff * MST3k copyright Best Brains Inc. MSt4k copyright Star Princess Productions. XOOM.com copyright XOOM.com, Inc. Pop Candy copyright USAToday.com. Whitney Matheson copyright Whitney Matheson. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire copyright ABC. Survivor copyright CBS. Any other references copyright their respective owner. My pants are on backwards. * Author's Notes * Well, some people really liked I010 so I tried to repeat it. Tell me how I did, okay? Remember- Just say no to Whitney Matheson. * Turn Down the Lights * (And enter the land of imagination...) In the not too distant future, 2001 AD, There was a guy named Joel, Sappy as he could be! He went to school at Normal West, Always working real hard to try his best But, in class, he used to snore! So his teachers put him on the third floor! (Joel: I'm the Poker King!) "We'll send him crappy fanfics, "The worst we can find. (La la la) "He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind!" (La la la) Now keep in mind Joel can't control where the fanfics begin or end! He'll have to keep his sanity with the help of his robot friends! (Robot Roll Call) Cambot! (Oh ho ho ho!) Angela! (ARGH!) Jim Carrey! (Okeyday?) Yiiiiiiiing! (I'm a kitten with a whip!) If you're wondering how he eats and prances, And other science facts! Just repeat to yourself it's just a fic, And you should really just relax! For Mystery School Theater 4000! (twang) [The 3rd Floor of Normal West High School; the background is decorated with palm trees, sand, and a fake setting sun. Also decorating the foreground are a Leonardo DiCaprio doll, a Ranma doll, an Akane doll, and a Brooke Shields doll. Cambot pulls out to reveal Jim, Ying, and Joel all wearing tropical get up] Joel: Hi, folks! Welcome to this weeks episode of Mystery Survivor Theater 4k! This week we will be performing several feats of fancy in order to determine the next person lucky-- Ying: AHEM. Joel: --UNlucky enough to get kicked off the 3rd Floor. This week we, the Bobolinki Tribe, are engaged in a deadly game of cat and mouse with the Equally Racist Named Tribe led by Leonardo DiCaprio over there. This week's competition will be an underwater obsticle course wherein Ying will race Brooke Shields in a battle to the death! [Joel pulls out a tub of water. He throws the Brooke Shields doll in. Ying stands to the side.] Ying: Oh shoot. And here I am, afraid of the water after a tragic incident wherein I was trapped in the spin cycle for twelve hours! Jim: I'm still sorry about that. I thought it set it at twelve minutes. Joel [Trying to sound disappointed]: Alas, it looks as if Leonardo DiCaprio's reign of terror continues. And due to Ying's personal traumas, fears, and walking around in the nude-- Ying: I'm a sock puppet, I don't wear clothes! Joel: --me and Jim vote him off the 3rd Floor, to the freedom down below where he could possibly find someone and get us some freaking help. Ying: So long! Arrivadercci! [The elevator doors don't budge; the mad lights begin to flash] Joel: Hey! You're ruining this magic moment! Explain yourselves! [Room 209; Mr. Meyer is eating through a bag of Blue Dipping Oreos covered in green ketchup. Mr. Nelson is nowhere to be seen.] Mr. Meyer: Now wait just a minute. . . [3rd Floor] Jim: Oh PLEASE don't let him see through this! Joel + Ying: JIM! X-nay! Jim: Oops. [Room 209] Mr. Meyer: There's something wrong here. According to the internet, Ying was supposed to win! [3rd Floor] All: [Dumbfounded] Joel [Quickly recovering]: The internet? Well, our affiliates at CBS thought it best to leak out some false information in order to, you know, keep the suspense real. [Room 209] Mr. Meyer: Sorry, but I placed a fiver on Ying winning and Jim getting kicked off, so no dice. [3rd Floor] Joel [Aggrivated]: Well, then let Jim off! Jim: Sweet! First thing I'm doing is finding a Renee Zelwigger cardboard cutout and-- [Notices Joel and Ying's nasty glares. Joel cracks his knuckles] Jim: --and rescue my friendly comrade and creator! Of course! Nothing else would ever spring to my mind. Joel: Okay, Mr. M, let him go! [Room 209] Mr. Meyer: No can do, Gentes. Nelson said no letting anyone in the elevator. And besides, I'm a 'Who Wants to Be A Millionaire' person myself. Speaking of-- [3rd Floor] Joel: Oh man... Jim: There goes escape attempt number 26. Okay Joel, I shoot. What is 27? Joel: Lemme see... 'Go to China. Fall in MiSTichuan, or Spring of Drowned MiSTer. Then never get splashed with cold water.' Ying: I dunno, sounds a little shaky. Jim: Especially since we can't GET to China. Joel: Oh yeah! Well, onto 28! 'Break a window and jump out.' Ying: They're electrified, Joel. Joel: Oh yeah. Well 29 should work. 'Join the Rebellion and train in the ways of the Jedi-- Jim: Let's just give up for today, okay? Joel: Fine. [Room 209] Mr. Meyer: Your experiment this week is another pair of double trouble from XOOM.com and Whitney Matheson. I present "Your own website in minutes!" and "Please, make the flashing lights stop". Enjoy! [3rd Floor] Joel: He really doesn't play fair, does he? Ying: Oh well. Back to the thing we do best! [Fanfic sign begins to flash] Jim: We're going to play Hard Battle some more? Joel: No, we've got fanfic sign!!! [Cambot and the gang enters the elevator and it goes up a floor.] * DING * {Fourth floor, bad fanfics galore!} Ying: Yippee. Spam and crap. Jim: Sounds like a Monty Python sketch. > Your own website in minutes! Joel: Or we'll naw off our your leg! > > Dear XOOM.com Member: Ying: Do you like Spam? We sure do. > > If you've been looking for an easy way to get your website up and > running . . . Jim: This ISN'T it!!! Joel: Um, Xoom? You're supposed to fill in the blanks. > or if you want to add some punch to an existing site > .. . . Jim: Or if you want to complain about our crappy spacing.. . . > here's the only tool you need: Ying [Crow]: A chainsaw! > XOOM.com's NEW Web Site > Templates 250 Volume 2! Ying: What happened to Volume 1? Joel: Blew up in testing. > > This dynamic follow-up Jim: Is dyno-mite? > to Volume 1 is now available to you for the low > price of **only 17.95!** Joel: And your **first born child!** > For more details, Ying: Buy a magnifying glass and read the fine print. > or to place your order now, > click on the exclusive URL below: Ying: So it's an exclusive URL? Does that mean it'll disappear after a while? Joel: Yeah, and at that point it becomes the missing link. Get it? Jim: You'll get it if you don't stop with the bad jokes. > > http://orders.xoom.com/tmp2/rxmtmp20531/ Jim [Reading quickly]: Template 2 Rumpelstiltskin??? > > Perhaps you've already experienced the wonder of Volume 1, Joel [Dreamy]: Ah, the awe inspiring wonder of building a homepage. . . > packed > with 250 full-blown Ying: Full blown? So they ain't virgins then? > websites ready for use right out of the box. Or > maybe you just recently became interested in the idea of creating > your own website, and have been searching for a similar package. Jim: Maybe you just became interested in the get-rich-quick internet porn business. This is your package! > In > any case, we've got just what you're looking for -- Joel: Ginsu Cock Fighter 64: The Cocks Get Bigger, for your Nintendo 64 system! Ying: Joel! Stop it. > Web Site > Templates 250 Volume 2! Joel: So *that's* what this ad is about. Ying: Had me fooled. > > All 250 templates include: Jim: * A butter churn Joel: * A copy of _Rugrats: The Movie_ Ying: * Five golden rings > > * A home page Joel: Admittedly, slightly useful to have. > * Commonly-used sub pages Jim [Little kid]: Her is a sub page for my kitty, and one for Pokémon, and one for Carmen Electra porn. . . > * A configurable navigation bar Ying: Arrange it in more than three different ways! > * Email links Joel: For those of you who can't take five minutes out of your life and figure it out. > > Choose from a variety of themes and styles: holidays, All: *snort* Joel: I think this package will be a great help to my Flag Day site. > sports, Jim: Everyone should make a curling website before the game sells out to big business. > religion, Joel [Dorky kid]: Yes, this is my web page for Christianity. Become a Christian or I'll kill you! > business and more! > > Volume 2 is even better than the original, Ying: It has three new colors of text! It's a bargain! > with all-new artwork Joel: The box looks great! We swear! > and > 10 different layouts FOR EVERY SITE! Jim: That's AMAZING! Joel: Do us a favor, Jim, and stop quoting yourself. Jim: Make me. > Plus, you can jazz up your site > even more with tons of great backgrounds and dazzling fonts. You can > even customize it with your own clip art! > > Like its predecessor, Volume 2 is Ying: -- utterly useless. > so easy to use. It provides you > with the framework for a great website Jim: Of course, they mean the framework made by a 75 year old in Southern Pittsburgh who can only see with one eye and has a peg leg. > -- you just choose the look > you want and include your text. Joel: Unless it's a Rugrats transcript. Just leave it alone in that case. > Both PC AND Mac compatible, anyone > can use Web Site Templates 250 Volume 2! Ying: Except pregnant women, young children, anyone with a heart condition, or anyone taking Zantax, Allegra, or Type A Imphometatriphetmacamene. > > If you're looking for an easy way to build exciting websites, it > doesn't get any better than this. Joel: Unless, you know, you just _learn_ HTML and don't have to worry about it. > Order Web Site Templates 250 > Volume 2 today, and let the magic begin! Jim: Web Templates 250 Volume 2 is also available at your local division of Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders. > > Click here to order! Jim: Order your Rock em' Sock em' Web Templates now! > > http://orders.xoom.com/tmp2/rxmtmp20531/ > > Cordially, > Joel: People with more money than you'll ever imagine. > The Team at XOOM.com Jim: Team record: 0-5,678. > > P.S. This is an exclusive XOOM.com product you won't find anywhere > else! Ying: Except, you know, everywhere else. > Order yours before this offer expires at midnight on > June 14, 2000! Joel [Snickering]: Shoot, and I was so close to ordering. . . > > > > This email was sent to: dannystar@switchboardmail.com Jim: NERD ALERT! Joel: Harumph. Quiet, you. > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > To unsubscribe, reply to this email with the word UNSUBSCRIBE > as the FIRST word in your reply. Jim: Then put in the phrase 'I AM A DUMB FUCK IF I THINK THIS IS GOING TO WORK.' > > *** > Please allow 3 to 5 business days for your unsubscribe request > to take effect. > *** All: Whatever. > > Or > mailto:unsubs-EXXMTMP20531BGMIRAGEa-dannystar.-switchboardmail.com@u.xoom.com Jim: Or mailto:SLK:DJG:HWORHWIOEHTOWHTHWL:KHJOYERIPHSDKJV:LKNBG:KJSKLbob. > > with the word UNSUBSCRIBE as the FIRST word in your reply. > > If you have questions about XOOM.com or your XOOM.com account status, > please visit http://www.xoom.com/help/ Joel: Help! I've been spammed and I can't get up! > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > XOOM.com is a Trademark of XOOM.com, Inc., Jim: XOOM.REPITION.com is a Trademark of XOOM.REPITION.com, Inc. > other names are those of > their respective holders. (C) 2000 XOOM.com, Inc. and its Licensors. > All rights reserved. Joel: Put your $10 deposit on rights now before they're all gone! > --------------------------------------------------------------------- Jim: Oh, let's blow this Popsicle stand. Joel: So stupid. . . so repetitive. . . Ying: Oh, let's blow this Popsicle stand. Joel: WHY YOU!! [Exit] * DING! * {Third floor, it smells!} [3rd Floor; Joel is writing on a piece of paper. Jim and Ying enter from opposite sides and begin to read over his shoulder] Jim [Reading]: 'Oh my dear Angela, how do I love thee?'? Ying [Reading]: 'Let me count the ways...'? Joel: Huh? What in the world are you guys saying? Jim: We're just reading over your shoulder. Ying: Yeah, Joel, you really are spilling out your emotions on that sheet of paper. Joel: What? This is a list of HTML coding I was writing because I got bored! Ying: Joel, did not your favorite author once write 'Let us sit on the hills and tell sad, sad tales of the kings of old?' Tell us your sad story, Joel. Tell us how you first met Angela. Joel: Are you quoting Star Trek VI again? You know I told you never to do that. Ying: I know, I know. Just tell us-- Joel: That is totally derogatory of Shakespeare the original Klingon Hamlet. Bad Ying. No biscuit. Jim: Would you just tell us about how you met the filly? The broad? Joel: Who? Jim + Ying: ANGELA! Joel: Oh, the slut! [Gets hit with a large board from off screen] Angela [Offscreen]: Joel no baka! [Joel falls over] Jim [Shouting to Angela]: That's bock-a! Not back-a! Ying: Joel? You okay? [Joel just opens his eyes] Joel [Morose]: It began about five years ago. . . [EXTREME FLASHBACK MODE: People born after 1997 do not exist at this point in time and cannot read this part of the fic or else it would violate several laws of the Space-Time Continuum. Thank you.] [Note: The voice overs are pretty much describing what you're gonna imagine. Either that or just skip this part and make up your own equally humorous back story, but remember that I don't do this for my health] Joel (Voice over): It was a bright and sunny day. I was alone in a computer lab working on little paper figures for Student Council. Since it was a bright and sunny day, it was about -20 degrees in the school, thanks to a hyperactive air conditioner. I rubbed my hands as I tried to build a fire. The computers were shorting out all around me, not used to such frigid conditions, while a polar bear rustled nearby. Realizing that I was gonna be stuck there until it got back down to the lower seventies outside, I began to build an igloo, using ice from the frozen trash can. Soon I had erected a mighty snow palace, but, alas, I needed to make some snowballs in case Mr. Franz came back and wanted to share my snow palace, so I quickly began- Jim (Voice over): Joel! Cut to the chase! Joel (Voice over): Oh! Right! Well, it seems that all the exits from the school had been frozen shut so most of the students had began to fight over space near the microwaves in the kitchen. I heard about this from the guy traveling down the hallway on a pair of skis, so I was content it sticking out the rest of the school year in my snow palace. Soon, hours passed. Hours became days. Days became more days. Until one day when a lonely frozen person wandered into the computer lab. Ying (Voice over): Ah. Angela. Joel: Angela? No, it was Ryoga Hibiki. Ryoga: Where am I NOW????? Jim (Voice over): That board to the head must have hurt more than we thought. Ying (Voice over): Joel, we're talking about *real* incidents, not those that take place in the nuku-nuku super happy fun land that is Joel Gentes's mind! Joel (Voice over): Fine. [Scene changes] I was but a young and wholesome lad when I met her. I was sitting in my health class, drawing better graphic representations of the female anatomy to better aid students on my desk when I noticed that someone was sitting in front of me. Ying (Voice over): Angela! Joel (Voice over): No, it was Piper Perabo. This was before she became a sensation-- Jim (Voice over): JOEL! Get to the Angela story before we throw you through the door! Joel (Voice over): Fine. Next to her sat Angela. As she turned towards me, I couldn't help but be enraptured in her gaze... then, in some fortuitous twist of fate, the back of her low cut blue shirt got caught on a sharp piece of the desk, revealing her frilly white bra. Ying (Voice over): Joel! That's not how it really happened! That's so masochistic! So invariably contrived! Jim (Voice over): So cool! Wow, Joel. No wonder you two don't get along. Joel (Voice over): It was a sad moment when she threw her books in my face and ran to the bathroom calling me a perv *just* because I started drooling... Ying (Voice over): Joel, would you please stop making this stuff up? We're going to be edited if you don't watch it. [End EXTREME FLASHBACK] Joel: So you don't believe that's how it really happened? Ying: NO. That just sounds like a perverted story you made up to up the testostorone level around here. Joel: Well, why don't you just ask her yourself? After that, I'll show you the pictures I took... Jim: Pictures? Joel: It's kind of a funny story, really... I was going to meet Al Gore after school when-- [Fanfic sign begins to flash] Joel: Oh, I'll have to finish it later... Jim: We've got fanfic sign!!! [Cambot and the gang enters the elevator and it goes up a floor.] * DING * {Fourth floor, bad fanfics galore!} Ying: On your way to meet Al Gore, huh? Joel: Yeah. Do you find that hard to believe? Jim: Just a little... > Please, make the flashing lights stop Joel: Yippee. This week we get to learn all about Whitney Matheson's legal problems. Ying: Officer! Officer! She's not drunk, that's how she always acts! > By Whitney Matheson, USA TODAY.com Jim: The girl who doesn't mind looking like an idiot with anyone with an IQ over 12. Ying: Sorry, Martin. > > > Pop Candy Joel: You see guys, by going once around the mulberry bush, with a monkey chasing a bag of Skittles, the monkey will start thinking it's all in good fun-- Jim: And pop goes the candy. Great Joel, why don't you just concentrate on that little dot on the screen for a while, okay? Joel: Fine. > is a biweekly commentary on Ying [Whitney]: Why I'm smarter, prettier, and more popular than you! Jim: It's like the Prom queen getting her own column. > pop culture. Joel: Well, this time, once around the mulberry bush-- Jim: If you say 'pop goes the culture', I will kill you. Joel [Meekish]: I'll be quiet. > > I don't mind the drumrolls. Ying [Whitney]: It's the stale ones that piss me off! > > I can even put up with the parade of pasty, nearsighted men in striped shirts. All: *snort* Ying: It must be another 'We Dumped Whitney Matheson' reunion. > > But only on ONE television show, mind you. Joel: Uh... Friends? Ying: Caroline in the City? Jim: Leno? > > The endless copycats of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire are driving me batty, Joel: Thus explaining this and all her other columns. Ying: I wonder if she's as batty as Kodachi yet... Jim: Still, I bet Kodachi has more charm. Ying: And probably a better writer, too. > from their > beam-me-up sets Ying: To their dress-me-down commercials. > to frequent, frightful close-ups of Maury Povich, the poor man's Alex > Trebek. Joel: Good idea, Whitney, just keep insulting poor and economically challenged people and I'm sure they won't rise up to destroy you and your legacy. > > NBC now boasts Twenty One. Ying: The game show where you can legally drink! > CBS has Winning Lines. Joel: How do you tell Winning Lines from losing lines? Jim: One is shorter than the other. > New game shows are in the works for > Lifetime, Ying: The women's network? Jim: Five bucks says it has something to do with kicking men in the groin. > Oxygen, Joel: It's right behind Carbon. Ying: Yeah, and Hydrogen is leading the race! > Nickelodeon Jim: The Rugrats Gameshow! All: *shudder* Joel: Don't do that! > and almost every other cable network. Ying: Except the Game Show network, for some strange reason. . . > > The delicious archive Jim: What the hell? Joel [Spock]: Eating columns through cyberspace. . . is not logical. > But none quite give Reege's gig a run for the money, so to speak. Ying: Ha ha. Maybe she should start calling her column 'Pun Candy'. > Of course, this is > coming from someone who remains loyal to Michael Keaton as Batman, Jim: Sorry, Adam West ALL THE WAY. Ying: But Batman Beyond was good. Joel: Agreed. > the New Order version > of Blue Monday and Bioré's brand of clean pore strips (after all, they were first). Joel: Gah, Whitney just latches onto anything that comes along, doesn't she? Ying: Duh. Or else this column would be about how great Hill Street Blues is, wouldn't it? Joel: Still, I'd hate to see her music collection. Jim: I'll say; Eminem blowout. > > Why I stand by my Millionaire: > > It makes me feel pretty smart. Jim: No wonder everyone else feels above it. > There's nothing like an ego boost when you're at home on a > Saturday night with Pizza for One and, well, a box of pore strips. Joel: Whitney 'Loser' Matheson: She doesn't have a life. Why do you? > Millionaire is hardly > written for the genius, Ying: Hardly written for anyone with taste, either, but we aren't raving. . . > but it features enough tricky questions to keep me interested. And > unlike Fox's Greed, each question only has one answer and no silly "teamwork" is required. Ying: Damn cooperation! People working together! It's disgusting! Greed and greed alike forever! > > I can do other things while I watch. Behind on the magazine reading? No problem. Hit mute > or leave the room, and you still don't miss a thing. Jim: Yes, you won't miss a single thing by not watching the show, and yet Whitney says that you still must. . . > Millionaire is perfect background > entertainment, Ying: Beats the pants off of elevator music, I'll admit that. > whether you're cleaning the bathtub or calling the contestant hotline. Jim [Whitney]: Or calling Hooked on Phonics! > The > main bonus for paying attention is you become quite attached to the contestants, Joel [Whitney]: Especially if they win and you can impersonate their long lost sister! > even if > they don't know what Little Jack Horner pulled out of a pie. Jim: It wouldn't be a Whitney Matheson column if she didn't mention wangs and pies. Ying: Little Jack Horner did not put his wang in a pie! Jim: In my version he does. . . > > Regis Philbin. Call me crazy, All: You're crazy. > but who else could do this job? Philbin's the drug keeping > viewers and the show from fade-out. Joel [Druggie]: Philbin's a bong, man, A BONG! > > Competing networks don't seem to understand that these ingredients, Jim: So, the main ingredients are stupid questions, them putting the questions on the screen, pure unbridled greed, and Regis Philbin. Ying: Oh, and the other networks try to be generous and reward actual intelligence! Their mistake. > not thunderous music > and really high chairs, make the show such a hit. So far, every copycat has been a slight > deviation from the one before, Ying: So it'll go in a complete circle and we'll finally be back at good old Jeopardy, right? > so it was apparent that pretty soon boundaries of good > taste would be broken. Joel: Yep, it's time for 'Orgasm: The Game Show'! > > Leave it to Fox to cross that line. Jim [Whitney]: Cocky little bastards... reject my 24 Hour Whitney Matheson Network idea, will they?? WILL THEY?? They'll pay! > Just in time for February sweeps, the network plans to > unveil Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire? Jim: Ah, and what a great success it was. Ying: Does this mean Whitney Matheson is RIGHT about something? Could she be right about other things, too??? Joel: There, there, Ying, it's just a fluke. . . > > That's right - finally, a show where the 50 most desperate, superficial women in America > compete for the eternal affection of some desperate, superficial rich guy. Ying: Oh, it's the Hugh Hefner show! Joel: Or the life of Donald Trump. Jim: How many times can she use the word superficial in a sentence? > It's like > going on MTV's Singled Out - and never coming back. Jim: It's like writing a humor column - that isn't humorous. > > Aside from its oh-so-creative title, Ying: Oh, give em' a break, Whitney. What would you name it? Joel [Whitney]: I'd call it The Stupid Hour of Stupid. Jim: Yeah, it'll be scary if she ever wins a Pulitzer. > the show reeks with embarrassment: Jim: The Millionaire forgot to zip his fly. Joel: The cameras were upside down the whole time. Ying: Ed McMahon wasn't overseeing it. > > First of all, we've got the contestants. Joel: Attractive people! Jim: The natural enemy of Whitney Matheson. > The loaded bachelor will be someone so > intelligent and kind that he appeals to Fox, home of World's Wildest Police Videos, for a > lifelong mate. Ying: So she's suggesting that Fox will put OJ Simpson up for the millionaire? Jim: Oh, man, I'd hate to be the winner. > As for the women clamoring for his affection, they'll probably appear fresh > from a hair-pulling Springer brawl. Jim: So then a bunch of hicks will storm the stage and beat up the millionaire? Joel: Hey, if it'll increase the ratings... > > Then there's the network. Joel [Whitney]: Yeah, like, why does it have to be on Fox? I mean, come on, put it on NBC where all the other stuff that isn't Who Wants Be A Millionaire is. > Who insisted the multi-millionaire had to be male? Jim: The multitude of gender, sexual, and racial biased people who run the media, who run the government, and the vast majority of Republicans in general? > If you're > going to develop a horrendous show, you might as well alter the stereotype. Jim: But then you become UPN! > And not since > Models, Inc. has a Fox show been so potentially damaging to younger viewers. Joel: I dunno, Whitney, I'm sure that the countless hours that teenagers have spent memorizing Simpsons songs are much more healthy. > > But who knows, for May sweeps Fox may be ahead of the game: Who Wants to Annul a > Multi-Millionaire? has a pretty nice ring. Ying: So does Who Wants to Raid Carmen Electra's Panties? Joel: And you call me bad... Ying: Well, it DOES! > Or, even more likely, how about Who Wants to > Marry an Out-of-Work Game Show Host? Ying [Whitney]: And the winner's name had better rhyme with Mitney Patheson! > > For now, I just want all the unoriginal fluff to disappear. Joel: Well, that won't happen until you Aaron Spelling out of his misery. Jim: And ours as well! > Chuck, Dick and Maury are > enough to make one's face break out. Ying: _The Bird Face of Alcatraz_ > > Thank goodness there's always Bioré. Jim: Thank goodness for product placement! Joel [Whitney]: And don't forget, you can have it your way at Burger King! > > E-mail Whitney Matheson at wmatheson@usatoday.com. Jim: I'll email her, all right! I'll email her this! --|--_ Joel: Uh. . . what's that? Jim: Huh? Don't you guys know? Ying: Jim, are you feeling okay? Jim: Sheesh, try and be creative... [They get up to leave] Joel: Is it an antennae? Jim: Oh, shut up. . . Ying: Maybe a UFO near and Indian Burial Ground? [Exit] * DING! * {Third floor, it smells!} [3rd Floor; Angela is reading through the Gwyneth Paltrow issue of Vanity Fair when she is surrounded by Jim and Ying] Jim: Greetings, Angela. Angela: Oh, hello bots. How are you? Ying: Pretty miserable. Angela: Why's that? Oh, no. Mr. Nelson didn't subject you to _another_ Whitney Matheson column, did he? Jim: That makes two. Angela: Ugh. Well, what can I do for you guys to make you feel better? Jim: Tell us a story, Angela. Tell us how you and Joel first met. Angela [Disgusted]: Do I have to? Ying: We already heard his side of the story. Why don't you try? Angela: Oh, FINE. [Yes, it's again time for EXTREME FLASHBACK MODE: Once more, any person born after 1997 do not exist and therefore smell extremely weird] Angela: (Voice Over): Well, I was in health class surrounded by usual mass of fans. You know, people who are priviledged enough to be around me. Anyway, Joel was sitting there and began to drool. I slapped him, kicked him in the nuts, and got him kicked out of class. [End extremely short EXTREME FLASHBACK MODE] Ying: That's a lot more believable than Joel's story. [Joel enters] Joel: Hey guys, what's new? Jim: Angela was just telling us how you really met. Joel: What do you mean? I already told you that story. Ying: Yeah, but hers lacks a certain level of perversion. Joel: But I have pictures to prove it! [Joel pulls out some pictures] Ying [Examining them closely]: You know, real substantitive pictures aren't usually drawn in crayon. Joel: My story is still true. Angela: What did you tell them, Joel? Some farfectched story about seeing my bra, I suppose! Joel: Actually-- Angela: YOU PERVERT! THAT'S A LIE! IT'S ALL A LIE! [She runs out of the frame, shouting obscenities at Joel] Jim: Hey, Ying, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Ying: That Joel was actually telling us the truth for once? Jim: Weird, isn't it? Joel [Looks in his pocket]: Oh, shoot. Ying, I gave you my idea for a Ranma graphic novel. Ying [Looks at drawings]: Ranma? I thought that was an apple with black hair. Joel: Here's the real pictures. Jim + Ying [Look at pictures]: Yowza! [Mad lights begin to flash] Joel: Well sirs, no psychosis here, and any new weirdness is brought on by past events! A Shakespearean day, to say the least. Until next week? [Room 209; Mr. Nelson is sitting in a chair so high, you can only see his feet. Mr. Meyer is sitting in a slightly lower chair, reading a notecard] Mr. Meyer: Okay, your final question, Mr. Nelson, for more money than they give away on ABC, I dare say, please tell me. . . what is next week's fanfic going to be about? Is it A) Whitney Matheson, B) Rugrats, C) Chris Vegvary, or D) Some other quack. Mr. Nelson's Feet: Uh, I dunno, A? [THUNDEROUS MUSIC] Mr. Meyer: Wrong! LOOOOOSER! The correct answer is D. Mr. Nelson's Feet: Dag nabbit! [3rd Floor] Joel: Some other quack? Perfect! This happens all the—guys, put down the pictures! Ying: They're ours now! Jim: Come and get em', booby boy! [Joel begins to chase them around.] [Room 209] Mr. Nelson's Feet: Until next week, Gentes, eat my shorts! BBBBBBBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPCredits Chronology: MYSTERY SCHOOL THEATER 4K: SEASON ZERO (2001-2002) I001: "Anime Biology" by Vejitto (Anime, prose) I002: "Deserted" by RJ (Ranma 1/2) I003: "Between Sleep and Awareness" by Noriko Hirano (Ranma 1/2) I004: "Know Your Enemy" by Anonymous (Rant) I005: "18 Year Reunion" by Chris Vegvary (Ranma 1/2) I006: "The New Age Conspiracy: Discoveries in Prophecy Lecture #7" by Mark Finley (Rant) I007: "Chat with Bryan Fuller! Part I." a chat transcript (Voyager, DS9) I008: "Chat with Bryan Fuller! Part II." a chat transcript (Voyager, DS9) I009: "Music" by Kacie Boskey (Rugrats) I010: "25% Off Pooh Keyboard!" and "It's Never to Late for 'Breakfast'" by XOOM.com and Whitney Matheson (Add, Prose) I011: "The Closet" by David B. Swanton (Ranma 1/2) I012: "Vincent Shepard: On an Expedition to Egypt" by Tibor (Indiana Jones) I013: "Your own website in minutes!" and "Please, make the flashing lights stop" by XOOM.com and Whitney Matheson (Spam, Prose) Coming Soon: I014: "Queen for a day dream" by Bob Herguth (Prose) I015: "Ranma: Lullaby" and "It's got to be real - or sorta real, anyway" by Richard Marshall and Whitney Matheson (Ranma 1/2, Prose) I016: "Rugrats in Paris Preview" and "The Trial" by Mark Wroniak (Add, Rugrats) I017: "Ranma 1/2: Hot Limit: Chapter 1" by Kain (SI, Ranma 1/2) I018: "Ranma 1/2: Hot Limit: Chapter 2" by Kain (SI, Ranma 1/2) I019: "Ranma 1/2: Hot Limit: Chapter 3" by Kain (SI, Ranma 1/2) I020: "Hard to Handle" by Chris Vegvary (Ranma 1/2) I021: "Sanctuary" Story by Gabe Essoe & Kelley Miles, teleplay by Frederick Rappaport (DS9) > Aside from its oh-so-creative title, the show reeks with embarrassment: Danny Hero of Time * Obsessed Pervert "It's like the river calls to me." "Yes, it's saying 'Stay away. Don't come near me, or I'll hurt you MORE!'" -O'Brien and Bashir, "Inquisition""Your own website in minutes!" and "Please, make the flashing lights stop"
Original Story by XOOM.com and Whitney Matheson MiSTing by Danny Available at http://www.angelfire.com/ak/captainoftheexplorer/mst4k.html Send me feedback at 'dannystar@switchboardmail.com' Visual Effects by ILM Ranma jokes courtesy Acme Comics Pokémon/Sailor Moon info courtesy Kurt Joel Gentes... Joel Ying... Patrick Jim Carrey... Danny Mr. Nelson ... TV's Bob Mr. Meyer... Fran Angela Hevrin... Angela Mystery School Theater Love Theme By Danny and PatrickThanks to anyone who enjoyed this. Keep posting the fics!