Eighteen Year Reunion Original Ranma 1/2 Fanfic By Vegvary Misting By Danny AKA "Darth Kirby"Episode #I005
* WARNING!! * This fic contains various profanities and sexual inuendo, which could be deemed offensive by the Christian Coalition and anyone else with their heads stuck up their rears. Thank you. * Legal Stuff * "Eighteen Year Reunion" and all it's copyrights thereof are registered to Mr. Vegvary. MiSTing was done with the author's permission. MiSTing will be removed at the author's request, but, hey, this is just another way to have fun. No offense is meant by any of this. I mean it! Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains. They're cool. Sorry, little fan worship. :-) Ranma 1/2 is registered to Viz Communications in the US and to someone very lucky outside of here. * Author's Notes * He he he... almost forgot to do these again. To be honest, I really like this fic, but it was just too strange not to MiST. A fun time was had by all, in this case. Enjoy! Oh, and I'd like to note their are two spellings for Ukyo used throughout this fic- one from the manga (Ukyo) and one from Ranma 1/2: Hard Battle videogame (Ukkyo). Sorry for any confusion, but they are the same people. Remember- Ukyo *can* cook! * Turn Down the Lights * (And enter the land of imagination...) In the not too distant future, 2001 AD, There was a guy named Joel, Sappy as he could be! He went to school at Normal West, Always working real hard to try his best But, in class, he used to snore! So his teachers put him on the third floor! (At least it beats Algebra!) "We'll send him crappy fanfics, "The worst we can find. (La la la) "He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind!" (La la la) Now keep in mind Joel can't control where the fanfics begin or end! He'll have to keep his sanity with the help of his robot friends! (Robot Roll Call) Cambot! (Action!) Gypsy! (I'm a psychic friend!) Jim Carrey! (I can't lie!) Yiiiiiiiing! (Eat my cookies!) If you're wondering how he eats and laughs, And other science facts! Just repeat to yourself it's just a fic, And you should really just relax! For Mystery School Theater 4000! (twang) [Zoom in on the desk in the third floor. The set is empty until Joel walks on.] Joel: Ah! Welcome once again to the homely 3rd Floor on Normal Community West High School. I'm Joel Gentes, a guy with very curly hair, and my compatriots, Jim Carrey and Ying should be arriving soon. It seems that they are in a rather foul mood after I beat them repeatedly at "Ranma 1/2: Hard Battle", for your Super Nintendo systems... why, here they are now! [Jim, an automated cardboard cutout, and Ying, a sock puppet, walk in, grouchy] Jim: I can't believe you won. I always win when I play Gosunkugi! Ying: Yeah, and I'm practically unstoppable with Ryoga. Jim: Well, at least he beat us with Ukkyo. Any other character would have been embarrassing. Joel: Huh? Ying: Oh, come on, Joel. Ukkyo is by far the best character in the whole game. Joel: She only has two moves. Ying: As opposed to everyone else? Joel: I see your point. Jim: But, alas, we'll forgive you because we love Ukkyo! Joel: You do? Ying: Why, yes! She is by far the best fiancé for Ranma! Joel: Uh... this is getting scary. Jim: In fact, we're heading off to Japan now, to defeat Ranma and make Ukkyo our fiancé! Joel <incredulously>: Really??? Jim: No, but we had you going for a minute. Joel: I'll give em' that one... [Mads lights begin to flash] Joel: Oh, Humpty and Dumpty are calling again. Ying: How did you get to be so good, Joel? [Room 209] Mr. Nelson: Joel, robots. Well, the five week trimester is up. I assume you have your homework done and ready to be sent here. [3rd Floor] Joel: Homework? [Room 209] Mr. Nelson: Yes, your homework I've been sending up. You know, the large stacks of papers I've been putting in the elevator! [3rd Floor] Joel: I thought that was our lunch! [Room 209] Mr. Nelson: Of course not! That's why... I've... been... shoot, I knew I was forgetting something. No wonder you've been looking a little college ruled this whole time. Little joke.... Say, if you weren't doing your homework, what were you doing? [3rd Floor] Joel: Well, there's this little room in the back... I usually go there with my controller and practice with Ukkyo- [Room 209] Mr. Nelson: You children these days! With your filthy minds and all! [3rd Floor] Joel: Actually, I was just explaining how I got so good at "Hard Battle"... [Room 209] Mr. Nelson: So, you call it a "Hard Battle", eh? That's not what my wife would say... the ungrateful little... oh, like the pill always works! It's not a miracle pill, you know! [3rd Floor] Jim: Are you feeling okay, Mr. N? Ying: I think he's losing control. [Room 209] Mr. Nelson: Losing control?!?! More disgusting filth? [3rd Floor] Joel: Actually, you're the one- [Room 209] Mr. Nelson: I don't want to hear any more of it. For this offense, I'm sending you the dirtiest non-lemon fic I could find. Enjoy "Eighteen Year Reunion" by Chris Vegvary. Oh, and for not doing your homework, you have to write an essay about it! Bon a petit, losers! [3rd Floor] Jim: Ape tit? [Fanfic sign begins to flash] Joel: Out of the gutter, guys! We've got fanfic sign! Ying: It makes me feel so dirty... [Cambot enters the elevator and elevator goes up a floor.] * DING * {Fourth floor, bad fanfics galore!} > Ranma and other such characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi and all that > other legal crap. Jim: Oh, I like this guy already. Joel: Now, no sarcasm. Jim: I wasn't being sarcastic. Joel: That's weird... > This fic contains mild violence and adult language. Ying: But does it have any nudity? That's the only real requirement to be rated 'R'. > > The Eighteen Year Reunion Joel: Not just any Eighteen Year Reunion, but The Eighteen Year Reunion. > by Chris Vegvary Ying: Thank you Veg-vary much!! Joel: Stop it! You wouldn't want anyone to make fun of your name, would you? Jim: You mean like Jim Carrey-on-luggage? Ying: Or Ying-a-ling? Joel: Exactly! Jim: You called us those names! Joel: Uh... right.... sorry... Ying: Joel, don't preach, 'kay? > > Ryoga headed down a street which was bustling with activity. Jim: What street? Doesn't matter. Ying: What kind of activity? Doesn't matter. Joel: Why isn't he called Charlotte anymore? Doesn't matter. > He was in > America, but this was different. Joel: It was the dawn of the third age of mankind... > Mainly because he had lived here for > about twelve years. Jim: Ever since he had wandered into that mech with A-Ko... > He stopped at a construction site, noticing someone > he hadn't seen since before he had come here. Ying [Ryoga]: Sailor Moon?!!?! > He went over to the dirty > man who was wearing a blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up and blue > pants carrying a barrel. Joel: Mario! Ying: Joel, he's not a dirty man. At least, as long as he kept his hands off Peach… > > Ryoga: "Excuse me, sir." Jim: Do you have any Grey Poupon? > > The man looked at him. He immediately recognized who was talking to > him. > Ying [Man]: No, Dennis Miller, I do not want 10-10-220! > Man: "Ryoga? Wow, this is...amazing. How are you?" > > Ryoga: "I'm fine, Ranma. What's up? Wanna go get a cup of coffee or > something?" Joel [Ranma]: You mean an Anything Goes Cup of Coffee. Jim [Ryoga]: Are you still hung up on that? > > Ranma: "Yeah, sure. Let me ask my supervisor if I can take my break." Jim [Supervisor]: What? You're in a fanfic? Of course that's a legible excuse for a break! > > * * * * * > > Down at a little cafe, Joel: A quaint little nostalgia joint called the Cafe 80's. > Ranma and Ryoga sat at a table drinking coffee > and catching up on the times. > Jim [Ryoga]: Man, I can't believe how downhill The New York Times has gone... Ying [Ranma]: That's nothing compared to the Chicago Sun Times... Joel: Your guys are disturbing me, again. Jim: Only disturbing? > Ranma: "This is different." Ying: Oh, like turning into a female and a pig is the norm around the world. > > Ryoga: "What do you mean?" Jim: That this is different! Whaddya want me to do, hand you a dictionary?!!?! > > Ranma: "You know. It's different seeing you and talking to you without > expecting you to attack me or something." > > Ryoga: "I've grown out of that." > Joel [Ranma]: Oh, no you haven't. Jim [Ryoga]: I have. Joel [Ranma]: No you haven't, P-Chan. Jim [Ryoga]: RANMA! WHY YOU-- PREPARE TO DIE!!! > Ryoga took another sip of his coffee before asking the next question. > Ying [Ryoga]: Where's the bathroom? > Ryoga: "So...how's Akane?" > > Ranma: "Beats me. Ask me if I even care." All: Do you even care? > > Ryoga: "Huh? I thought you guys got married." > > Ranma: "We did. But...ten years ago, I caught her in bed with someone > else and threw her out. Joel [Ranma]: I suppose it was my fault for inviting the Clintons over in the first place... > We got a legal divorce and everything. Jim: Ah, as opposed to one of those illegal ones. > I haven't seen her since. Bitch of it is that I knew the guy." > > Ryoga: "Anyone I knew?" Joel [Ryoga]: Was it George or Bill? Ying: I think Hillary is a valid choice here, too. Jim: Ouch. Burn. > > Ranma took another sip of coffee and nodded. > Jim: I'm not giving you any verbal clues on this one. > Ryoga: "Kuno?" > > He nodded again. > Ying: That would be correct, sir! > Ryoga: "Wow, that's really hard to believe. Joel [Ryoga]: Hell, that's extremely hard to believe. In fact, it seems that was just thrown in there as a plot twist... > I never would've expected > that." > > Ranma: "Neither would I. That's why it was so hard when I saw it with > my own eyes." Jim: This is probably making reference to some lemon, somewhere, but we'll have to pass on any further information. > > Ryoga: "Why are you in construction? You would've been a great martial > arts instructor or something good like that." Joel: You know, another good field of beating the crap outta someone. > > Ranma: "This was the only job I could get where people didn't judge me. Joel: Except all those women when I go on a Diet Coke break. > Plus, I had a successful job once but I beat the shit out of one of my > co-workers. Jim [Ranma]: He tried to have an affair with my female side, but that ended very quickly. > I was fired and I decided to go into construction." > Ying [Ranma]: You know... work out... get a job... maybe get a house with a couple of guys... that's the ticket... > Ryoga: "Hmm...I don't want to bring up the story of my own success, > then." > > Ranma: "Don't worry, I won't feel worse than I already do. Go ahead and > tell me." > Joel [Ranma]: No way you can depress me now. Have the gun half way in my mouth as we speak. > Ryoga: "Ok...I invented a product and I own my own business. Jim: Details? Who needs 'em! > I'm > married to an attractive American woman named Joanna, Ying [Ryoga]: Joanna Dark. Ever heard of her? > we have two kids, > and we live in a big house and we own another one off the west coast." > > Ranma: "That's great. What did you name the kids?" > Joel [Ryoga]: I don't know. I was on my way to the hospital about four weeks ago, and, bam, I was here... > Ryoga: "I named them after my two best friends. I didn't know at the > time that they were my friends, but...it caught up with me, you know? Jim: Being called a pig a lot helped that. > I > realized that when I came here and saw that I could make it easy after > I'd been giving them such a hard time." > > Ranma: "Is that right?" > Ying [Ryoga]: No, actually, I was lying. Ha ha! > Ryoga: "Their names are Ranma and Akane." Jim: They turn into pigs when splashed with water. I thought the irony was too good to pass up... > > Ranma laughed out loud. Joel: Your pitiful attempts to please amuse me! Ha ha! Now you'll have to die. > > Ryoga: "We arranged one of them to marry one of a friend's kids." > Jim: Yeah, lil' Ranma's marrying Gary Coleman! We're so proud... > He stopped laughing and glared at Ryoga. > > Ranma: "That's a horrible thing to do to a person." > > He leaned back in his chair and stared out the window. Joel [Ranma]: Aw, crap, and here comes Godzilla again! What a day! > > Ranma: "Believe me, I know. Better than anyone." > Ying: That's the only time he's ever said that... > Ryoga stared at him. He noticed Ranma's eyes go wide and he slammed his > chair back down on the floor. > Ying: Stupid chair! I am Ranma Saotome of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts! Prepare to die! > Ryoga: "What?" > > Ranma: "Would you look at that. This is like a reunion or something." > All: It's almost like an eighteen year reunion or something... > Ryoga turned and looked out the window. There were many people out > there, but one stood out among all of them. Jim: It was a green haired woman with horns and a tiger stripped bikini... > He could never have > forgotten that beautiful face and the woman was looking just as good as > ever. Joel: You see, younger readers, when a man who turns into a pig loves a woman very much, he begins to have strange feelings deep inside of himself... various parts of the anime character's body begin to move in disgus.. ting... aren't you guys going to interrupt me??? Jim: Nope. I've never heard this talk before. Ying: Me either. Joel: Oh dear. > She went to the door of the cafe and went inside. Ryoga whispered > to himself as he watched her sit at the counter. > > Ryoga: "Akane..." Jim [Ryoga]: That's the name of the famous anime character from Ranma 1/2! Joel: Whoa, don't break the fourth wall, okay? > > As if she had heard him, she turned and looked at him. She turned back > to her coffee and then turned around again. She stood up and walked > over to him. > Joel [Akane]: You buying, stranger, cuz' I'm selling! Yep... selling... other various nasty... sexual... sick... uh... things. WOULD YOU GUYS HURRY UP AND INTERRUPT ME! I can't take this! Jim: I hope you're learning your lesson. > Akane: "Excuse me, sir...I know this sounds silly, but...haven't we > met?" > Ying: Perhaps once upon a dream? > Ranma cleared his throat. She turned to see him sitting with his arms > crossed and a tired and angry look on his face. She looked down at the > floor. Joel [Akane]: Lotta potato chips down here... > > Akane: "Oh...Ranma. I'm sorry." Jim [Akane]: I didn't see your domineering face behind this lovely picture of Kuno! > > Ranma: "After ten years, you finally say you're sorry? Ryoga, I'll see > you later, man. I gotta get back to work." > Ying [Ranma]: I've gotta go kick ass and build a high rise, and I'm all out of ass! > He walked past Akane and took one last look at her. She looked back and > he walked out the door. She sat down where he'd been sitting. > Jim [Akane]: What's that smell? > Akane: "He still hates me." Joel [Ryoga]: I don't. You have the time? Because I know a certain little piggy that wouldn't mind getting all snuggly with your-- uh... breasts. Your big round sobbing breasts that look like cantaloupes that make me thirsty at the very thought of your wet slick body covered in various excretions, including sweat with harmonious pantings and orgasms that will make the most sexy whore groan with satis-- Jim: ARGH!! I can't take any more! Ying! [Ying whacks Joel. He's out cold.] > > Ryoga: "It's ok, Akane. At least you're doing well for yourself." > > Akane: "I'm not. But you look like you are. How the hell are you?" > Ying: Wow. One minute you're a klutzy martial artist, the next you're a potty mouthed Kuno screwer. Jim: Watch the language, Ying. > Ryoga: "Good, good." Ying [Ryoga]: Did I ever tell you the secret of my success? By exploiting the secret flaw? > > Akane stared at him and smiled. She blushed. Jim [Akane]: Ryoga, is that a P-Chan in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? > He was about to ask what > was wrong when she said something that shocked him. Joel [Akane]: John Larroquete *was* in Star Trek III! > > Akane: "Do you remember when me and you used to sleep together?" Jim [Ryoga]: That was you? God, I thought it was Ukyo! Ying [Akane]: I meant as P-Chan. Jim [Ryoga]: Uh... I knew that. > > He stared into his coffee and closed his eyes, sighing. Jim [Ryoga to himself]: Hold it in, hold it in... > > Ryoga: "Who told you?" Ying: I WANT NAMES!!! > > Akane: "Ranma. After we got married." > > He chuckled and shook his head slowly. > Joel <waking up>: Wah? Jim: He's alive! Ying: Leave the sick jokes to us, 'kay Joel? Joel: Fine, fine... > Ryoga: "Fuck. Are you here to kill me?" Ying: Sorry, that would require a plot. > > Akane: "No. The truth is, I came here looking for...Ranma. I want to > make things right again." > Joel: Or just screw them up again. Whatever. > Ryoga: "I don't think that's possible. Deep in your heart, you don't > either." > Joel [Ryoga]: Too many things have happened between us. Deep in your heart, you know love will win. > Now Akane looked into her own coffee. > > Akane: "I have to try." Jim [Akane]: If I fail, you should know the force runs strong in my family... between me... my sisters... and my brother... Joel [Ryoga]: Your brother? Ying: Stop it before I get all Darth on your ass. > > She looked back and decided to change the subject. > > Akane: "Did you notice the waitress?" > Jim [Ryoga]: This is a Hooters, how couldn't I? > Ryoga looked over Akane's shoulder at the purple-haired waitress. > > Ryoga: "Yeah, she's pretty cute...wait a minute...purple hair...?" > Jim: What's Leela doing here? > Akane: "Yup. It's Shampoo." > Ying [Akane]: Herbal Essences. It's a girl's best friend > Ryoga: "What the hell is she doing HERE?" Joel: Perhaps she works HERE. That would explain the fact of her being a waitress HERE. > > Akane: "She's worked here since her and Mousse got married." > > Ryoga: "Uh-uh. No. You're bullshitting me, right? Shampoo and Mousse > together? How did that happen?" Jim: Well, the author was busy crossing out people on his list of who lives and who dies, and realized he really needed some excuse for Shampoo to become a slut... > > Akane: "When Shampoo realized that me and Ranma were together and she > could never have him, she turned to the one man who actually loved > her." > Ying: Wouldn't she have married a fanboy, then? Someone who didn't get Sailor Mercury? > Ryoga: "This is like some sort of twisted reunion." > All: DUDE! > Akane: "Here's another one...when I was on my way over here, I passed a > police cruiser with two cops in it and recognized them right away. > Guess who?" > Joel: Uhh... Fran Drescher and Prince! Jim: William Shatner and Ricky Martin! Ying: Elvis and Tupac! > Ryoga: "I don't have a clue." > Jim: How about Professor Mustard in the study with the knife? > Akane: "Tatewaki Kuno and Ukyo Kuonji." > Joel: At least she isn't calling him "The Blue Thunder" Ying: After their last encounter, I guess she'd more call him "The Limp Whisper" Joel: And you guys yell at me... > Ryoga: "No way...something must be bringing us back together...but > why?" > Jim: Could it be a great mystical plan? Ying: Could it be an evil aura trying to unite them? Joel: Could it be one last chance at greatness? All: NO! It's a fanfic!! > Akane: "I don't know. I'm going to talk to Ranma. Wanna come with me?" > Jim [Ryoga]: Sorry, I'd probably just get lost or turn into a pig or somethin'. > Ryoga: "Oh, I can't. I have a plane to catch for an interview with a > new client." > Ying: That was only... three months ago. > Akane: "Well, come back and see us someday, huh?" > > Ryoga: "'Us'?" > > Akane: "We'll be back together, I know it." Jim [Akane]: Either that, or I'll screw Kuno again. Or maybe Mousse. Or Gosunkugi. Anyone but you, Ryoga babe... > > She stood up and went to the door. Ryoga watched her leave, then paid > his tab and left. > Joel: After three hours of trying to find a way out. > * * * * * > > Five Years Later... > Ying: It was a tough time for the new Republic... > Ryoga was back. Jim: Back from the future! > He had lost his job and his wife left him and took the > kids with her. Jim: Are we supposed to care about this..? Or be upset? Ying: Maybe happiness to know, deep down inside, Ryoga's still an idiot? > He headed down the same street he had gone down five > years ago. All : Where the streets have no name! Where the streets have no name... > When he didn't see Ranma working construction, he walked up > to the foreman. Joel: Yep, still rebuilding after the Mothra rampage of '99. > > Ryoga: "Excuse me, can you tell me where Ranma Saotome is?" > > Foreman: "Saotome died." Joel [Foreman]: Very tragic legend. Fell into spring of drowned dead person. > > Ryoga shook his head to clear it. > All: That shouldn't be hard. > Ryoga: "Say what?" > > Foreman: "Damn shame. Just when he was doing good for himself. He got > with an old flame of his and cheated on her with a purple haired > waitress that works over in that cafe. Ying: Was named 'Violet' or something. Cute kid. Joel: Don't defile Rainbow Brite, Ying. > The girlfriend shot them both in > bed but the other girl survived. They gave the girlfriend the chair not > too long ago." [Awkward pause] Joel: Weee! Death and destruction *is* fun!! Jim: Akane was given the chair. Well, give and you shall receive... > > Ryoga's eyes were wide as dinner plates. Ying: He served up some hamburgers, not wanting to waste the opportunity. > He went to the cafe and saw > Shampoo. Jim [Deep voice]: He saw a lot of Shampoo. Joel: [Hums bad porn music] > He had never seen her look like she did now. No one else was > in the cafe but her and Mousse and Mousse wasn't comforting her as she > sat at one of the tables with her face buried in her hands. In fact, > Mousse was slamming things around and yelling at her but she didn't > move. Ying: "Portrait of an Amazonian Marriage" Joel: He slipped her some of that paralyzation drug, didn't he? Jim: Maybe that would explain why there aren't any commas. > He decided to go in. Mousse immediately stopped throwing things > and stared at Ryoga. > > Mousse: "Ryoga! Long fucking time, no fucking see! How are you?" Joel [Ryoga]: Uh... fucking good? > > After that was said, he threw a glass of water at Shampoo, which > shattered on the back of her head. Jim: And... she became a cat! Go! > She got on her hands and knees and > began to clean it up. > Ying [Shampoo]: Remember me now, Ryoga? > Ryoga: "Shampoo? What are you doing?" > Joel [Shampoo]: Shampoo planning escape to planet Lythion. What it look like Shampoo doing? > Shampoo: "I cleaning mess that Mousse..." > > She looked at Mousse. He was glaring at her and looked like he was > ready to kill her. > > Shampoo: "...that I made." > Ying: When hair products marry, relationships go bad. > Mousse: "That's right, bitch. You clean it and then you take a bath. > You're dirty and I don't want your dirty ass sleeping out side my > door." > Jim: I think I'm just going to imagine myself in a Strawberry Shortcake fic for a while, okay? Joel: Hey, don't worry. It'll get better. Jim: I don't know. *I'm* starting to feel dirty… > Shampoo: "Ok, Mousse." > > Ryoga: "Shampoo, put down the glass. Now." > Joel [Ryoga]: That milk's 2%! > She looked at him and back to Mousse. > > Mousse: "Don't you fucking do it, Shampoo. I'll kill you without > hesitation." Ying [Mousse]: I'm evil! EVIL! This fic is to prove my true intentions about Shampoo! To make her sleep outside my door! Joel: Whoa! Calm down, boy. > > Ryoga: "The fuck you will. Shampoo, if you put down the glass, you can > come with me wherever I go. Ying [Ryoga]: And, trust me, I will go many places. Joel [Shampoo]: Quiet! Shampoo busy being belittled! Jim: Okay… I'm beginning to feel a little bit better… > You won't have to put up with this kind of > shit." > > She looked at him, eyes shimmering. She dropped the glass and ran to > him, hugging him. Joel [Shampoo]: Aiyaa! Wo ai ni! Jim [Ryoga]: Wow, this is kind of fun... maybe I should rescue more purple haired Amazons... that's it... that's the ticket! Ying: See? This isn't so bad… > Mousse went around the side of the bar. The cafe door > swung open and two familiar police officers walked in, All: [Begin humming theme to "CHiPS"] > one with a tag > that said Kuno and one that said Kuonji. > > Kuonji: "We got a report of a domestic disturbance at this address. > Anyone know--" Joel: Hey! Ukyo's in this fic! Jim + Ying: Yeah! Jim: It's never really a fic until Ukyo pulls a gun on someone. Ying: Huh? > > Mousse came back around to the front of the bar with a shotgun pointed > at Ryoga and Shampoo. Joel [Mousse]: Ranma! Prepare to die!!! Jim [Ryoga]: WHO'S Ranma? Ying: Oh, get back to Ukyo. I want to learn what happened to her in 18 years! > He grabbed her and pulled her to the floor as > Mousse pulled the trigger. Jim: Nail biting pointless violence! Joel: Yada yada, get back to Ukyo! Ying: I heard that Square's making a videogame based on this fic. Joel: Really? Ying: Yeah, it's called "Super Ranma 1/2 Fun Game!". Jim: Right. At least Ukyo's in this fic. My hope has been renewed! Joel: Let's get back to Ukyo! How's her love life? > The bullet hit Ukyo Kuonji in the chest, > killing her instantly. [Silence] Joel: You have GOT to be kidding me! Jim: No explanations why she quit okanomyaki to fight crime? Ying: No thoughtful monologues? Joel: And she didn't call anyone a jackass! Jim: I don't think I'm feeling very good… Joel: There, there… > Her partner, Tatewaki Kuno, pulled out a gun and > began firing it at Mousse, hitting him square in the head. Before > Mousse fell, he pulled the trigger and shot Kuno, knocking him through > a window, also killing him. Ying: Massive Death Orgy 1/2. Jim: Poor, poor Ukyo... Joel: Get over it. We're almost done. > Ryoga stood up and helped Shampoo with him. > > Ryoga: "That...was bullshit. Joel [Ryoga]: What the hell is the author thinking? > Everyone of our old friends is dead." > Jim [Ryoga]: Except Happosai. That pervert will live forever... Joel: See? There's life after Ukyo! > Shampoo: "I go with you, Ryoga. You save Shampoo. Shampoo think of > interesting ways to pay you back." Ying [Shampoo]: Shampoo buy you chia pet. > > Ryoga: "Right. Let's get out of here before the cops come." Jim: We must escape from the Planet of the Apes! Wait... the Statue of Liberty.. This *is* Earth!! YOU BASTARDS!! > > Shampoo: "Wait! Mousse have stack of money in his room! I go get." > > Ryoga: "I'll get the money from the cash register." > Ying: Oh, here he goes! From a big corporate executive who sold something important with a bland wife, to a robber with a hot Amazon chick. Joel: A step up, I believe. > * * * * * > > One Year Later... > Joel: Ryoga and Shampoo were well on their way to Metaluna... > Ryoga and Shampoo sat in their new home watching the evening news. Jim [Anchorman]: It seems the recent crime wave has been blamed on a cat and a small black piglet. The police say they should be shot on sight, and, please, don't eat the pig. > They > were happy until they saw the news report with Mike Stanton. > Joel: Mike Stanton? Aw, man... Jim: Who's that? Joel: No clue. > Mike: "Our headline tonight, Insaniac Jack, the supposedly male mass > murderer was captured today. Insaniac Jack was, in fact, female. Joel: She's not male, and he needs to confirm she's female? Jim [Mike]: In other news, I am a male. In fact, I am not a female. That should clear any questions towards why I always wear this dress. > Before > she was captured, she killed twelve police officers which brings the > death toll to three hundred and eighty-eight murders. Jim: Three hundred and eighty eight? I knew the Chicago police department let some murders slip by, but this is ridiculous! > Insaniac Jack's > true identity was Kodachi Kuno, a--" > Ying: Ah, the Son of Sasuke. > Ryoga turned off the TV. Joel [Ryoga]: Dammit! Why isn't Gundam on? > He turned to Shampoo, who stared at him. > > Ryoga: "I don't know how we're going to get over this one." > > Shampoo: "We have sex?" > Jim: Can pigs and cats do that??? > Ryoga: "That should do it. Let's go." > Joel: Then Ryoga's ex-wife comes in and blows them away! What a happy fic! Ying: Good night, everybody!!! > > THE END + > > Author's Notes > ------------------------------ > Ok, I was drunk off my ass when I wrote this. Joel: At least he's truthful. > Sorry if it sucked but I > thought you'd get a kick out of it. I did, my friend kicked me in the > ass. Jim: He speaks for us all! > Anyway, contact me at ranma_male@yahoo.com. > Joel: That's an interesting ID. Jim: I suppose that's better than crossdressing_ranma@yahoo.com Ying: Let's get out of here before our minds are corrupted any more than they already are. [Exit] * DING! * {Third floor, it smells!} [3rd Floor: Joel, Ying, and Jim are all gathered around the table, holding their essays. Joel smiles at Cambot.] Joel: Well, true to our word, we all wrote essays on how we felt about "18 Year Reunion." So, uh, who wants to go first? Jim: Um... I guess I will. Joel: Okay. Jim: Once, a long, long time ago, I was sitting under the trees in a sunny park across the way, when suddenly the thought occurred to me! It was a thought of such unimaginable horror that I hoped I would never have to confront it again! That horror was, of course, a Ranma 1/2 fic about them all getting guns and blowing each other away! Unbeknownst to me at the time, I would soon be seeing my worst nightmare played out, even worse than being snubbed for Oscars twice in a row! That damn Academy! How dare they! Wait until they see my next movie! I'll have a huge dance number with Liza Minelli and fourteen parakeets, and- Joel: Okay, I think you're getting off subject. Jim: I'm just a little bitter, that's all. Joel: Right. Moving right along... Ying: I'll go next! Joel: Okay, Ying. Ying: Okay... um... okay. Ranma 1/2 is a funny and interesting show, *however* some people do take this passion too far, by, say, writing fanfiction, noticeably when drunk or lecherous. However, this can be quickly fixed with a mallet over the head. A mallet over the head can also end pointless death and destruction, not to mention superfluous cursing, as demonstrated in the following passage: "Hey, Ryoga, long fucking time, no fucking see!" (Line 236). If the author were to simply get rid of the derogatory and useless words in that sentence, by means of a mallet, of course, they'd have something more suitable for the wide range lovers of Ranma 1/2! Observe! "Hey, Ryoga, fucking fucking!" In conclusion, cut to the chase. Joel: Uh, very informative. Ying: I try. Jim: DAMN YOU, ROBERTO BENIGNI!!!!!!!!! Joel: Well, uh, yes. My turn. I wrote a poem. Ying: Cool. Joel: Yes, well... Ukyo Kounji: A Tribute. Why, oh why, oh why it be, Why did they kill Ukyo Kounji? Why didn't she call someone a jackass? Why didn't she go to five o'clock mass? Why did she become a cop anyway? Did someone take a feel in that way? And why the hell did Shampoo get out unmessed? Was it because of her huge, sumptuous, bulging breasts? Or maybe because of she wasn't a wussy, Or maybe 'cause she had a very large p-- [Ying whacks him on the head. Joel's out cold] Ying: Some perverts never learn. Jim: AND THEY GAVE AN OSCAR TO KEVIN SPACEY! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT!?!?! Ying: Uh… whaddya think, sirs? [Room 209: Nelson looks at the camera, while Meyer wanders in] Mr. Nelson: Uh… very interesting. You seem to have taken this one rather badly… <smiles> Worse than even that Hirano bomb. Good. Maybe this "Vegvary" has written other stuff… [3rd Floor: Joel and Jim are both crying, while Ying puts up a brave front.] Ying: It was only Ukyo. And it won't happen again, will it men!? Joel <whimpering>: But the spatula… and the okinomyaki! Why, Vegvary, why?!? Ying: Snap out of it, man! What are you? A man or a lowly whimpy cardboard cut out? Jim: Hey! Joel: I'm a man… but Ukyo's dead! Ying: IT'S ONLY A FANFIC! ONE FANFIC! You can still play Ukkyo in "Hard Battle"! I swear! Joel: I… I can? Ying: YES! Joel <regains *some* dignity>: Well, then, I guess that's okay… Ying: It never really happened! There's probably an alternate universe where Ukyo lives happily ever after, with her and her okinomyaki sketched into the distant stars. Joel: That's really beautiful, man… <straightens up> Sorry, Mr. N, but you haven't beaten Joel Gentes today! Mr. Meyer, push the button. Until next week! [Room 209] Mr. Meyer: Okay-dokey. Mr. Nelson: You ninny! I'm the one who tells you- BBBBBBBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP [Voice over] Mr. Nelson: I'll get you for that one, Gentes… Credits Chronology: MYSTERY SCHOOL THEATER 4K: SEASON ZERO (2001-2002) I001: "Anime Biology" by Vejitto (Anime, prose) I002: "Deserted" by RJ (Ranma 1/2) I003: "Between Sleep and Awareness" by Noriko Hirano (Ranma 1/2) I004: "Know Your Enemy" by Anonymous (Rant) I005: "18 Year Reunion" by Chris Vegvary (Ranma 1/2) Coming Soon: I006: "The New Age Conspiracy: Discoveries in Prophecy Lecture #7" by Mark Finley (Rant) I007: "Chat with Bryan Fuller!" a chat transcript (VOY, DS9) I013: "Sanctuary" Story by Gabe Essoe & Kelley Miles, teleplay by Frederick Rappaport (DS9) Rare, double stinger! > The bullet hit Ukyo Kuonji in the chest, > killing her instantly. and > Ryoga: "I don't know how we're going to get over this one." > > Shampoo: "We have sex?" > > Ryoga: "That should do it. Let's go." Danny Hero of Time * Obsessed Pervert "Lieutenant, have you ever thought about serving on a starship?" "I'm happy where I am." "Good." -- Keogh and Dax, "The Jem'Hadar"Eighteen Year Reunion
Original Story by Chris Vegvary Available at http://ranmainfo.simplenet.com/eyr.html MiSTing by Danny Available at http://www.angelfire.com/ak/captainoftheexplorer/ms4k.html Visual Effects by ILM Ranma jokes courtesy Acme Comics Pokémon/Sailor Moon info courtesy Kurt Joel Gentes Joel Ying Patrick Jim Carrey Danny Mr. Nelson TV's Bob Mr. Meyer Fran Mystery School Theater Love Theme By Danny and PatrickThanks to anyone who enjoyed this. Keep posting the fics!