Know Your Enemy
A Rant by Anonymous
MiSTing by Danny AKA "Darth Kirby"
Episode #I004
* Legal Stuff *
"Know Your Enemy" is copyrighted to whoever wrote it,
and it can stay that way. In fact, forget I ever had
anything to do with this as soon as your done, okay?
This MiSTing will be removed at the author's request,
but, hey, this is just another way to have fun. No
offense is meant by any of this. I mean it! Well,
maybe a little... :-)
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains. They're cool. Sorry, little fan worship. :-)
* Author's Notes *
Hoo ha! Ahem. Sorry. Well, I present to you MiSTing
#4. This one took... well, three weeks, but still,
that could be constituted as a long time by people who never have anything to do.
Anyway, I hope you like this one. If not... I'LL EAT YOUR BRAINS!
Ahem. I'm up a little late, if you couldn't tell.
Enjoy!
Remember- It's grrrreat!
* Turn Down the Lights *
(And enter the land of imagination...)
In the not too distant future,
2001 AD,
There was a guy named Joel,
Sappy as he could be!
He went to school at Normal West,
Always working real hard to try his best
But, in class, he used to snore!
So his teachers put him up on the third floor!
(It stinks!)
"We'll send him crappy fanfics,
"The worst we can find.
(La la la)
"He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind!"
(La la la)
Now keep in mind Joel can't control where the fanfics begin or end!
He'll have to keep his sanity with the help of his robot friends!
(Robot Roll Call)
Cambot! (Odd...)
Gypsy! (Yummy!)
Jim Carrey! (Highly illogical!)
Yiiiiiiiing! (I am Galvatron!)
If you're wondering how he eats and smells,
And other science facts!
Just repeat to yourself it's just a fic,
And you should really just relax!
For Mystery School Theater 4000!
(twang)
[Zoom in on the main desk of the 3rd floor. Joel is watching the TV with his
back to the camera and blocking Cambot's view. Ying walks in and looks at Cambot]
Ying: Ah! Welcome and greetings to the fourth installment of our adventures! I'm Ying,
the lovable sock puppet, trapped up here with a cardboard cut out of Jim Carrey
and this fellow behind me, Joel Gentes. This is our fourth week trapped on the third
floor of Normal West High School, where we are being tortured by Mr. Nelson
and Mr. Meyer, two of the most diabolical teachers to ever live. These two fiends
have forced us to watch some very strange and bizarre fan fiction from the internet.
The most recent two pieces have been about Ranma 1/2, a frighteningly
funny show about a boy who turns into a girl when splashed with cold water.
In light of that, Joel has taken it upon himself to learn everything there is to know
about Ranma in order to aid him in his riffing. He's been having some performance
problems, I'm afraid, and he's just not up to the task...
[Jim enters]
Jim: How's he doing?
Ying: He's on the last episode of the 'Hard Battle' series.
Jim: How does he look?
Ying: Ugly.
Jim: I meant as in mental sanity.
Ying: Well, as in controlling his mental sanity, I'd have to say ugly.
Jim: WAHOO! Quick, get his money while he's lost it!
Joel: GUYS!
[Ying and Jim jump; Joel slowly turns around]
Joel: Jim... Carrey....
[Joel leaps into the air, beyond Cambot's view]
Joel: PREPARE TO DIE!!!!
[A lot of loud clanking sounds are heard. Joel does not reappear, but a whimper is heard.]
Jim: He has such a terrible sense of direction.
Ying: These parallels are beginning to scare me.
[Joel falls down a second later, landing on top of the desk on his back]
Joel: Ohhh...
Jim: You okay, Joel?
Joel: Yeah, just a little out of it... but I sure am ready for when Mr. N sends up another Ranma fic!
[Mad lights flash]
Ying: Speak of the adversary...
Jim: I don't remember bringing up DS9...
[Room 126: Mr. Meyer and Mr. Nelson are smiling evilly at the camera.]
Mr. Nelson: Joel, Joel's excretions, are you ready for another fun experiment this week?
[3rd Floor]
Joel: We sure are Mr. N, and I must say I haven't felt this good about reading since second grade!
[Room 126]
Mr. Nelson: Excellent. Today's story is a nice conspiratorial rant called "Know Your Enemy."
It's only too happy to spread hatred and fear to everyone and anything.
[3rd Floor]
Joel: What?!? You mean a Ranma 1/2 conspiracy fic, right? RIGHT?!
[Room 126]
Mr. Nelson: Of course not. A Ranma 1/2 conspiracy! Ha!
Mr. Meyer: Actually...
[Mr. Meyer wanders off]
[3rd Floor]
Joel: But, but.... Ryoga! I AM Ryoga!
Ying: Give it a rest Joel.
Jim : Maybe if you *didn't* study for hentai fics...
[Fanfic sign flashes]
Jim: Yes, I can see it now...
Joel: Oh, give it a rest!
[Joel slaps the button]
Joel: We've got Fanfic sign!!!
[The camera enters the elevator and elevator goes up a floor.]
* DING *
{Fourth floor, bad fanfics galore!}
Jim: Well, Joel, you wasted another week of your life.
Joel: Looks like I'm going to have to start studying up on rants...
> This message was posted anonymously:
Jim: Or was it?
Joel: Conspiracy Theory II: Know Your Enema!
Ying: JOEL!
Joel: What?
>
> I like to read political commentary from all sides of
> the political spectrum,and today I found a prime
Ying: -rib at Ned Kelley's for only $8.99.
> example of why that is so in my E-Mail box.
Ying: Along with samples of shampoo and perfume, strange conspiratorial
rants always please me.
Jim: Oh, where's the Unabomber when you need him?
> Usually, I delete most of these E-Mails after the
> first paragraph because they are going nowhere,
All: DELETE! DELETE!
> but
> this one had a real gem in it.
Ying: I hope he didn't drop it on his foot. It might have hurt.
Joel: I hope the gem was a computer virus.
Jim: "Exploit the secret flaw to make millions!"
>
> We are constantly bombarded with the notion that
> Conservatives represent White people.
Joel: In fact, Conservatives represent old White people who smell vaguely of Ensure.
Ying: So, I assume that this is the 'gem' that the author found in his mail box.
Jim: Someone anonymously posted a brief explanation for why he liked reading crap like this.
Makes sense here.
> This is
> of course never conveyed outright, but is implied.
Ying: Ah, so we are implied to be bombarded with the notion of Conservatives being Whites.
Joel: Makes perfect sense. I'm surprised we haven't seen this rant sooner.
> I believe that every change in America that has
> occurred in the destructive sense has happened
> BECAUSE of CONservatives.
Jim: Uh... hello? Mr. Anonymous? So you're saying that Whites are destroying America?
Joel: Well, he never did disprove his theory.
Ying : CONservatives? As opposed to PROservatives?
> The most often quoted
> Conservative is Ronald Reagan.
Joel [Reagan]: Tsk, tsk. There you go again...
Jim [Reagan]: It's an Evil Empire, representing all that is evil in the world.
Ying [Reagan]: I did not trade arms for hostages in Iran.
Joel: Hm. I don't see why this would all be considered conservative.
> You can't listen or
> read any Conservative commentary from any source
> without hearing Ronald Reagan praised to the heavens.
Joel [Author]: Pshaw. How can you people like someone who you don't stalk?
> So here I share with you my little gem:
Jim: Ugh, keep it in your pants, please.
Ying: I don't think that's what he's talking about.
Jim: That's a relief. I don't need to see slashes in the shape of various anatomical parts.
Joel: Thinking dirty today, aren't we?
> Remember, it was Reagan, who, as Governor of
> California,
Joel: -bedded a monkey named Bonzo.
Jim: Who's thinking dirty now?
Joel: Well, he did!
> signed into law the affirmative action
> programs banned by Prop 209, and who said in
> 1974:
Joel [Reagan]: I am not a cro-
Jim: Joel! Wrong Republican!
> "Time and experience have shown that
Ying: Michael Jackson is black.
> laws and
> edicts of discrimination are not enough.
Jim [Reagan]: We need segregration!
Joel: I don't think you quite understand 'edicts'.
> Justice
> demands that each and every citizen consciously adopt
> and accentuate a commitment to affirmative
> action,
Ying [Reagan]: Preferably by marriage or some other legally binding ceremony.
Joel: Yeah, Reagan was off his rocker. I mean, if he let this guy use excerpts of his speech.
Jim: Well, they could always use another wing for the Reagan library.
> which will make equal opportunity a reality."
> It was under the Ronald Reagan Administration in
> Washington D.C.
All: Ewww!
Jim: Keep it there, please!
> many years later that the even more
> virulent form of Affirmative Action known as "Race
> Norming" came into being.
Joel: Yeah, this is the system under which they just had Norm MacDonald figure it out.
> It was actually pushed by
> his Administration,
Ying: Down the stairs and out the door.
> though very, very quietly,
Joel [Fudd]: Be wary, wary quiet... I'm hunting conservatives!
> while
> the media continued to describe him and especially
> those around him as "right-wing", "reactionary" and
> perhaps "bigoted".
Joel: Oh, yeah. I remember the good old days of Tom Brokaw getting on the air and calling
Reagan a bigoted reactionary.
Ying: Certainly the good old days.
> Reminds me a lot of the way Pat
> Buchanan is described.
Jim: As a large purple dinosaur?
Joel: Now where did that come from?
> The ADL quotes Buchanan as
> saying
Ying: I am Pat Buchanan of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts!
Joel: I am Sailor Pat, champion of justice, who will right wrongs and triumph over evil, and that
means you!
Jim: Welcome to the Satellite of Reform, I'm Pat Buchanan...
Ying: I'm-a Super Pat-io! Thank you for playing-a Nintendo 64!
Jim: I'm Pat, a Pokemon Master! Go, Pikachu!
Joel: I'm Commander Pat Buchanan of the United Federation of Planets...
> that "David Duke is stealing from me".
Joel [Buchanan]: Damn Doonesbury, it's out to get me! They all are!
> Funny,
> I don't remember that.
Joel [German accent]: You seem to forget a lot of things, eh, Mr. An-non-e-mus?
Ying: Perhaps a noogie will help his memory.
> I do remember Pat gloating
> on Crossfire
Joel: I suppose that's better than seeing him 'bloating' on Crossfire.
> after the 1992 election cycle was over
> about how he "Stopped Duke in Louisiana".
Jim: Joel! He beat up John Wayne!
Joel: No, he meant another 'Duke'.
Jim: You mean Duke as in a politician named Duke?
Joel: Yeah.
Jim: Good for him! Politicians need to be stopped.
> True, he
> did.
Joel: He DID know the secret flaw.
> In the last eight years Pat had called for a
> "freeze" on immigration. Now that
> he has his pedigree, he suddenly-though quietly-has
> changed this policy to "reducing"
> immigration to 250,000 a year "legally".
Jim: The truth is so arbitrary, I'm glad the author chooses to ignore it here.
> No more
> Chinese wall across the border either.
Joel: Only Hindu walls. With festive elephants and dancing lions.
> No policy
> to undo the illegal citizenship given out to millions
> by Clinton.
Jim: How'd he give out illegal citizenships?
Joel: I thought there were these things called imagration laws-
Ying: None of that, Joel, this wouldn't be paranoid if it didn't fudge the facts a little.
> No more talk of "Zulu's".
Joel: No more rapant racism.
Jim: George Takei must have been depressed.
Ying: Zulu's, not Sulu's!
> Same
> pattern that CONservatism has followed post WWII. The
> ADL
Joel: ADL?
Ying: Anti-Defamation League.
Jim: CONservatism! The capital letters speak volumes... about something.
> has close contacts with the highest power brokers
> in the Republican Party, as well as the "World Anti-
> Communist League".
Joel [Overexcited Announcer]: YES! It's time for the weekly WACL SMACKDOWN!!!!
Jim: We have Stalin jumping up, and OH NO! He's pulling the piledriver on FDR!
Ying: Wait, McCarthy is coming in... boy, Bill, he looks pissed!
Joel: It's because Lenin stole his woman, the babe-a-licious Lady Liberty!
Ying: Ah, I can still see the red, white and blue bikini!
Jim: WRESTLING! It's a man's sport!!!
>
> The front runner in the Republican Party is George W.
> Bush.
Joel: What's the 'W' stand for?
Jim: Weenie.
Ying: Wuss.
Joel: Hey, now. No personal attacks. Just because he's a egotistical saphead means we should attack him or
that lousy moron, Gore.
Jim: Yeah, and we're bad...
> The line being pushed by the Republican Party's
> highest profile spokesman is that George W. is not
> his Father.
Ying: Huh? George W. Bush is not Pat Buchanan's son?
Joel: I see a severe "John Adams vs John Q. Adams" complex here.
Jim: Yeah, one has beer, the other had a 'Q'.
> Funny, I don't see any policies enacted
> or advocated by him as Governor that would
> differentiate him from Dad.
Joel: Hey, that is funny! In fact, it's hilarious! HA HA HA!
Jim: Joel, you feeling okay?
Ying: I don't know: he's been rather dark today...
> In fact, he seems if
> anything worse than Dad.
Jim: At least on the English portion. Luckily, his science reasoning scores helped round out the test.
> Then you have to look at his
> brother, Jeb, the Governor of Florida. He is married
> to a very brown mexican.
Joel: Phew! I was worried for a moment. I thought he'd married one of those very blue Mexicans...
> He is the Father of the
> infamous "Little Brown Ones".
Joel: You know, they always said Jeb was a hick, but it was never proved until he
started giving birth to bottles of Aunt Jemima.
Ying [Marlon Brando]: Jeb is the Father. He'll make you an offer you can't refuse.
> George W. has
> criticized California's passage of Prop 187 to
> curtail the non-White invasion. As Governor of Texas
> he has advocated INCREASING immigration and closer
> ties with Mexico.
Jim: He's a hypocrite! So, what's this supposed to prove about politicians?
> Just what is it that he intends to
> conserve?
Jim: Electricity?
Ying: Lewd photos of him and his wife?
Joel: Jusenkyo spring water?
Jim: Joel, you must really be upset this isn't Ranma...
> Not our soil,
Joel: He's pro-erosion.
> and if brother Jeb is any
> indication,
Jim: Which, judging from his name alone, he isn't.
> not our blood either.
>
> Then there is the "Ruby Ridge Question".
Joel: Two trains are going at thirty miles an hour, one from Buffalo, the other
from Minneapolis...
> The
> Republican Party's most high profile spokesman would
> have you believe that Ruby Ridge was conducted by
> Janet Reno
Jim: She's with the London Symphony.
> (I've heard him say so twice in the past
> year and he may have said so many more times than
> that). In August of 1992, Janet Reno was an unknown
> alcoholic lesbian in Florida.
Ying: Hey... how does he know that?
Joel: Well, maybe... ew...
Jim [hits Joel on the head]: Pervert. Why don't you hurry up and mature?
Joel: Oh, you're one to talk.
> Bill Clinton was still
> Governor of Arkansas running against George Bush
> Senior.
Jim: They didn't mention Clinton's sexual orientation.
Joel: I think that's rather apparent, don't you think?
Ying: Please, you two, I never want to hear 'Clinton' and 'sex' in the same
sentence again...
> Yes, Ruby Ridge was presided over by a
> Republican Administration.
Jim: Yes, the media looked over these crucial facts just to get at Clinton.
Ying: Stranger things have happened...
>
> I don't doubt that most of you have the will to
> handle the "Gorillas in the Mist".
Joel: Well, I have the Will Riker action figure. Close enough.
Ying: I can handle gorillas in this MiSTing. I don't know about the author.
> The question that
> hangs in the air,
Joel [Author]: -what is your favorite color, is so obviously biased because of CONservatives.
Jim [Author]: The question hangs in the air like a candle in the wind…
> and which will decide whether
> we live or die is: Can you take out the Race Traitors
> in our midst?
>
Ying: So... uh, he believes whites are out to destroy American society, but we should
only have whites and no one else? Plus, he also wants us to acknowledge
the fact that conservatives are evil hypocrytes?
Joel: His paranoia and his bigotry wires have crossed again.
>
>
>
> Subject: Know Your Enemy
Ying: Would it be conspiracy nuts who write nonlinear rants that blames every race on the planet for destroying it?
Jim: DING DING DING! We have a winner!
> Path:
Joel: Straight to the KKK meeting, I'm afraid.
> lobby!newstf02.news.aol.com!portc05.blue.aol.com!
> gw12.bcandid.com.MISMATCH!gw 22.nn.bcandid.com!
Jim: Candid, AOL, mismatch... all seem to fall in the same category to me.
Joel: What's that?
Jim: Stupid.
> europa.netcrusader.net!128.32.206.55!
> newsfeed.berkeley.edu!s
Joel: Europa and the Berkeley Twins.
Jim: Sounds like a cheap porno.
Joel: Actually, it was a Thomas Dolby song.
Ying: Really?
Joel: Well... no.
> u-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!news.gtei.net!news.alt.net!
> news.monster.org!sewer-out put!mail2news
> Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2000 21:13:16 -0500 (EST)
> Message-ID: <200001190213.VAA16308@cotse.com>;
> From: "Anon" ;
> Newsgroups: alt.tv.reboot
Joel: Reboot?
Jim: Yeah, we got fanfiction, pictures, and neat downloads from Reboot, plus strange
conspiratorial rants! What more could you want?
> Organization: cotse
> X-Abuse-to: abuse@cotse.com
Ying: X-Abuse? Is that when you plot against Wolverine?
> X-Comments: Anonymous mail2news gate web interface -
> www.cotse.com/anonnews.htm.
> X-Anon: This is an anonymous message,
Joel: If we knew who actually sent it, he would be flamed by now.
> the sender
> cannot be determined. It did not originate from any address listed in the message.
> X-Mail-To-News-Contact: abuse@zedz.net
> Lines: 51
Jim: You heard him! 51 lines: "I will not be a paranoid bigot".
>
Ying: Ah. It's over.
Joel: I'm begining to feel a bit queesy.
Jim: Yeah, well it's only going to get worse...
[Exit]
* DING! *
{Third floor, it smells!}
[Jim and Ying are talking among themselves, looking around angrily. They use hushed whispers.
Joel walks in, oblivious as usual, chewing on some nacho chips]
Jim: JOEL!
Joel : AH! What?
Jim: Is it not true that you are a white male?
Joel: Well, yeah. I have been.
Ying: And is it not true that you are a race traitor?
Joel: Well, if you mean I'm not a bigoted jerk who writes weird rants, then, yes.
Jim: AHA! And I'll take it you're a CONsevative too, eh?
Joel: Well, no. I'm liberal.
Jim: Joel, play along.
Joel : Oh, right! I'm a conservative!
Ying: Oh, and would you mind proving it?
Joel [Southern accent]: Not at all, my boys! First off, immigration is wrong! Second off, tradin' with
other countries is wrong! Third off, not marrying our cousins is wrong!
Jim: AHA! So you're a race traitor, a CONservative, a white, and alive?
Ying: You are THE ENEMY!
Joel : Huh?
Jim: Well, this post was called "Know Your Enemy", so obviously someone had to fit the bill. You fit
perfectly! You are THE ENEMY!
Joel: Uh-oh. And what are you supposed to do with "the enemy"?
Jim: That's THE ENEMY, Joel, don't forget the capitalization.
Joel: Right. So what are you supposed to do with THE ENEMY?
Jim: Well, um...
Ying: Uh... is your brother married to a Mexican?
Joel: No.
Jim: Dang. Well... uh... what do you know about Ruby Ridge?
Joel: Huh?
Jim: Never mind. It seems we've fallen victim to yet another post that really was disappointing.
Joel: You're telling me. No Ranma content at all.
Ying: Oh, come off it.
Joel: But I did get something good out of this whole ordeal.
Jim: Oh?
Joel: Well, since it seems you guys liked the line "Gorillas in the Mist" so much...
Ying: Oh boy.
[Mighty Joe Young suddenly flattens Jim]
Joel: Cool, no?
Jim: MMMMMMMMPHHMM!!!
Ying: I think he said to get Mighty Joe off of him.
Joel: No problem! I'll just call Ukyo!
[Joel dashes off: the Mad light begins to flash]
Ying >shrugging<: It's been that kind of week.
[Room 129]
Mr. Nelson: I see that you took this rant well. A little too well...
[Mr. Meyer hurries in. He holds a bunch of crumpled pages]
Mr. Meyer: I did it! I did it!
Mr. Nelson: Did what, Tod?
Mr. Meyer: I wrote a Ranma 1/2 conspiracy rant.
Mr. Nelson: Fool! This is exactly what they want!
Mr. Meyer: Really? I made it really bad...
Mr. Nelson: Here, let me read that.
[They fumble with it for a few seconds, ending with Nelson hitting Meyer upside the head.]
Mr. Nelson : Hm... HMM.... hmm..
Mr. Meyer: Well?
Mr. Nelson: Sorry, Tod. It has too much continuity and reasoning.
Mr. Meyer: Aw, schucks.
Mr. Nelson: There, there. Just move some words around and it'll make no sense in no time!
Mr. Meyer: Gee, thanks Dave!
Mr. Nelson: Don't ever call me Dave.
[3rd Floor: Mighty Joe is still there, but Joel is calm and cheery]
Joel: What's up for next week, Mr. N?
[Room 129]
Mr. Nelson: Pain. Eighteen years of pain.
[3rd Floor]
Ying: Eighteen years?
[Room 129]
Mr. Nelson: You'll see. Push the button, Tod.
Mr. Meyer: Okay, Dave.
Mr. Nelson: DON'T EVER CALL ME-!
BBBBBBBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Credits
Know Your Enemy
Original Story by some idiot
MiSTing by Danny
Available at http://www.angelfire.com/ak/captainoftheexplorer/ms4k.html
Visual Effects by ILM
Ranma jokes courtesy Acme Comics
Pokemon/Sailor Moon info courtesy Kurt
Joel Gentes
Joel
Ying
Patrick
Jim Carrey
Danny
Mr. Nelson
TV's Bob
Mr. Meyer
Fran
Mystery School Theater Love Theme
By Danny and Patrick
Thanks to anyone who enjoyed this. Keep posting the fics!
Chronology:
MYSTERY SCHOOL THEATER 4K: SEASON ZERO (2001-2002)
I001: "Anime Biology" by Vejitto
I002: "Deserted" by RJ
I003: "Between Sleep and Awareness" by Noriko Hirano
I004: "Know Your Enemy" by Anonymous
Coming Soon:
I005: "18 Year Reunion" by Chris Vergary
I006: "The New Age Conspiracy: Discoveries in Prophecy Lecture #7" by Mark Finley
I013: "Sanctuary" Story by Gabe Essoe & Kelley Miles, teleplay by Frederick Rappaport
> Can you take out the Race Traitors
> in our midst?
Danny
Admiral of the Jade Junta
"Tell them we look like writers: poor, needy, and incredibly attractive."
-"Far Beyond the Stars"
Know Your Enemy