New Moon Promises
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
8:19pm Monday 13Aug07

I got myself home and plunked everything down and sat at my desk and wrote without stopping. Haven't touched the television, haven't checked my email, haven't gone on facebook. I'm believing those voices that I blogged about the other day. I'm believing them when they tell me that it's all going to come out on the page if I take care of the distractions. And boy did I fill some pages!

I've got my piles of books all ready for what I used to do, back in the day when I was learning how to write. Back in the day I didn't know what it was that I had to write about so I'd use the exercises in the books, as if I were in class, and I'd do them. I'd always be so excited to get home from work to see what the next exercise would be and what I'd write because of it. And in very little time, ideas would start popping in my head, and lines of poems, and story characters and the like.

I've been thinking that there was something to that person who didn't fill herself with all sorts of writing pressures and just went with the flow of what came out. And of course the moment that I decided to just do that again I could barely keep up with the words that were coming out for my novel White Wishes.

So day two of the new moon is talking to me. Yesterday, I wrote up my new moon goals and wrote of the distractions that I've got to kick out and the kind of focus that I want to have.

And something has been playing on my mind, goading me. In one of my early morning turn on the television sessions recently, I flipped the channels and stopped momentarily on mtv canada. Jess was talking about how she went to high school with Seth Rogan and his writing partner (I forget his name). She said something along the lines of, "When we were all outside laughing and joking around Seth and his partner were sitting inside writing their movie scripts."

It turns out that they are the guys that did the movie Knocked up and their latest movie that's out is called Superbad. It looks like it will be funny in a Napoleon Dynamite kind of way.

That keeps running through my head because I am that person who does stay back and works on her stuff while everyone else is out laughing and joking and my silence and the voices and my need to hibernate in August as opposed to November is pushing me to embrace it.

Nelly Furtado also said something very similar when she said, "When all my friends were out on weekends going to parties, I was home working on my music."

That's the kind of advice that excites me and keeps me going.
And the jazz musicians that would play one gig and then meet up at an after hours spot and jam together til the wee hours of the morning, pushing each other, competing with each other, playing the mind blowing shit that I can only imagine because it was never recorded, at least most of it wasn't. Fusion. Experimenting (and drugs of course, ha ha).

Some of my favorite songs are the product of those type of sessions. Groups and musicians that get their influences from everywhere. Listen to Spinning Wheel from Blood, Sweat and Tears with that heavy jazz influence and David Clayton Thomas' rock voice. It kills me everytime I listen to it and all I want to do is find a way to write.

Queen's, Somebody to Love, a rock song that is totally a gospel song to my ears with the imitation of the choir and the call and response. Please! Can I get an Amen? ha ha!

Anyway some where in my silence and sweeping away the distractions and just plain old listening, It's all coming back to me.
The passions, the stuff that blows the top off my head and makes me grin and makes me play a song over and over and impacts me and makes me get my butt in chair and write like a fiend.

It's really been hard digging through the muck trying to get myself back to this place. I was really questioning whether it was time to give this racket up and concede that maybe writing isn't supposed to be my thing. Maybe I should just try to be like normal people and work the 9 to 5 job and forget about believing...

I just couldn't remember what gives me that injection not paying attention that I was still collecting (buying more music, buying more books, finding more articles). And a couple of angels have walked beside me telling me in dream like ways to stop focusing on what is wrong and start focusing on what is right, what has always been right. Giving myself permission keeps coming up.

One Angel is golfer dude who is in the exact same (I know that's redundant) position as me. Financially, job wise, dream wise, romance wise and power struggle wise (that's why he paid for my beer and kept me at the bar a couple weeks ago). And we talk it to death, we do, and it's seeping in, and so I'm setting the goal to have White Wishes Book I , the full draft of chapters complete by Dec 31st, 2007.

I'm working on Kali's chapters backwards from Chapter 15 to Chapter 1 and Rachel's chapters in order. Wish me luck!

EY

A New Tarot Deck
Topic: Tarot Card of the Day
I went to the WB bookstore yesterday, on my way to see my herb guy, and I bought myself a new tarot deck, The Enochian Tarot. It's not a traditional deck but I loved the images when I looked through the sample book at the store. I've looked at the case of tarot cards, every single time I've gone in that bookstore and no one has ever come to me to ask if I wanted the case open so I could see a deck. Except for yesterday. ha ha!

"One deck Shelley, you can only buy one deck!" I had to remind myself.

Buddy was quite knowledgeable about the decks he offered and we discussed the decks I currently own. The ones I use the most Robin Wood Tarot for writing; Universal Waite or Thoth for personal readings. From the samples, I was down to deciding between The Witches Tarot by Cannon Reed or The Enochian Tarot. Buddy told me that he had a few customers complain about the Enochian deck being too dark for them but somehow when I held it, I felt energy stream from the deck through my arms. It was the same way that I chose my rose quartz crystal.

I surfed the net to see what sites covered the deck and the reviews I've read have been about how hard the cards are to read. I found that interesting because I'm so used to connecting with the cards intuitively. I like to check other peoples interpretations of cards to see what they are saying, but these cards aren't traditional anyway.

Anyhow I pulled three cards last night, deciding that this deck would be solely for intuitive interpretation and got this out of them...

52. Aila - I saw as the circle of life. My connection to others and how I share myself with others.

43. AOGD - My subconscious thoughts coming to the forefront. Creating something out of nothing, creativity.

61. Saiinov - In the center of my own power. Full use of my mental resources. Expressing my unique creativity and talent.

As a whole, looking at the cards together, they look at what's outside of me and what's inside me and mixing it up (like in chemistry class - mixing everything in a beeker - I failed chemistry ha!) to create something unique.

Anyway, I was kind of chatty this morning! Now I'm hungry. ha ha!

EY

What's in my heart?
Topic: Another Entry
Saturday 11:32am

Upon thinking about my previous entry my thoughts bounced around:
What's in my heart? Leo is about heart. August has been a far calmer Leo time for me compared to July Leo. Hm! I should look at the New Millenium Being newsletter again for Leo to see what I get out of it.

I immediately opened it to the pages I've highlighted and read this:
- complete or clarify relationships
- a new perspective and commitment
- sustain only that which is in alignment with your path
- concentrate on your next step
- stay focused and eliminate all distractions
- examine your motivations and align your goals to match your heart's desires
- devote your available time and resources to working toward what you really want

And for the Leo New Moon tomorrow:
Follow our hearts at this new moon. Set aside time to be with yourself and examine
1 - What you are currently creating and what you wish to create?
2 - What kind of light are you shining? How can you shine your soul light a little brighter?
3 - What is the nature of your soul blueprint? How is it guiding you toward your spiritual destination?

Somehow this brings my thoughts to our paths, whether we consider it spiritual or otherwise. It's so funny how some people will insist that when our paths veer in different directions that they are on a path but we're no longer on a path. If I can say that I believe in anything at all, I can say that I believe that we are all on our own path period. Whatever we choose to call it. Mine is a spiritual path.
As I truly embrace this belief more and more, I also find that I am placing less and less demands on others. If we are all on our own paths, right now, who am I to say that someone should be obligated to me? I don't have the right to ask that of anyone. Nor does anyone have the right to ask it of me. Which is my permission to myself to hibernate or take a break from all the social interaction or participate in the social interactions.

EY

You can tell
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Saturday 10:34am 11Aug07

You can tell when my blogging time gets to be a bit too much for me because it starts to get a little too journaly. I find that I do go through cycles where I'm writing entries that I could have just put in my journal instead of on line. It's good to notice those cycles though. And even better not to beat myself up for them. It is just a cycle and eventually I'll move on to the next one.

I'm moving into hibernation mode a tad early this year. For my five days off I stayed close to home and now, with a few friend's show to see this weekend, I again want to stay close to home. There is a level of anticipation though with my early hibernation mode. The anticipation for that all consuming focus that's just around the corner. I feel an inner shift that I can't quite describe but I'm getting quiet. Maybe it's the voices, you know the ones, that tell you what you could do next. Or remind you of what you want. Or get you to sit still and meditate and connect with the magic in the air. Those voices.

Plus I notice that I've been feeling under the weather far more frequently than normal. Of course it's my body's way of telling me to slow down. Get in touch. Be silent. Listen. If I'm quiet enough, the answers will tumble out of me or toward me or something.

I've got books piled up around the apartment. Books I want to read. Books I want to study. Books that remind me of that passion that blocks out the junk of life, like the power struggles. That passion that steps me outside of the woulda, coulda, shoulda's and into the now and what there is that is good. There is a lot that is good.

I'm feeling nervous about the fall television line up because I don't actually want to tape anything this season. Or not much, anyhow. I'm nervous because, even though I dropped a lot of shows last year compared to the year before, I'm feeling not antagonistic but it's like the television is coming to an end for me. Or more aptly, it needs to.

That's it! The early hibernation mode and the inner voices that are getting louder, and the funny feelings toward the television are all about the question, what am I willing to give up in order to realize my dreams? And it brings me to the simplest realization that it's about change, it's time to make some changes in my life, again. And not a moment too soon either, tomorrow is the new moon, a prime opportunity to start anew.

It's time to make changes and it's time to listen. Sweep away the distractions that seem like a good idea at the time. Listen to my body and slow down. Ask myself , again and again, "what do I want? How do I feel? Where do I want to go?"

My friend Jojo and I discussed her current situation, last week. For the first time, for as long as I've known her, she talked about moving back to her home town. I didn't say that I would miss her tremendously. I didn't say, don't worry everything will work out and you won't have to go home. I didn't say anything that might sway her to consider staying in Toronto. I told her, "you have to do what is the best for you. What is going to soothe your heart? What is going to make you feel better about your life?"

Now, most of my friends would say, 'that's you Shelley, that's the kind of advice you give all of us.' As if it's an easy thing for me to do. On the contrary, inside I'm thinking, 'how am I going to survive not having access to this person in my day to day life?' What the fuck am I going to do?

But over the last few days, with the guilt tripping I often do when I don't have the energy to be the all giving supporter, it's slowly dawning on me. I also have to do what is best for me. What is going to soothe my life? What is going to make me feel better? So I miss a few friend's shows this go round. If I'm the friend that gives that kind of advice to everyone, I need to give it to myself as well.

I'm not the person that I used to be, who dropped everything for everyone. Or who shows up for every single performance and every single reading and party and function. But that is still a big aspect of who I am to people. I like to support people, for sure, but I need to feel free to give myself permission to support myself first.
And the people that I give my support to wholeheartedly will have to understand that in return. And I really have to learn how to stop guilt tripping myself about it, when I don't have it to give. That's the big one.

EY

Awaken the Giant
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Tuesday 3:42pm 7Aug07

It's really muggy and it always amazes me how much more muggy it can be when it rains. You always think the rain will bring the reprieve and are always surprised that it seems to produce the opposite. Oh well! I still have another day off work before I have to face the world again.

Little Miss Zelda is a year old today. She's still pretty small, thankfully. But is the runt of the litter so I don't expect that she'll grow much more. And like a Leo, she is the Queen of the castle.

I haven't totally done the 5 hours straight of writing but have been also using my 5 hours doing some reading pertaining to my writing and motivation and getting and keeping the mindset. It seems that the mention of Anthony Robbins book, Awaken the Giant Within, keeps coming up in my reading. Of course I happen to own it. No surprise. So I've pulled that out and have started reading it again.

It's true that everything is about the way we think about things. Believing we can accomplish what we set out to do. Believing in ourselves. Believing that if you put in the work, something positive will follow. We do get bombarded with all kinds of crap that tells us that we're not enough. Just watch a television show and sit through the commercials. Enough already. We, I, have to find a way to build ourselves up and feel strong and capable and okay exactly as we are.

So that's where I'm at. Loving being home and having the opportunity to focus on my wants for more than just a couple of days. Happy to have a break from the daily power struggles and grateful to remind myself that the life I'm living now was once a dream. I always wanted to have my own place. I talked about it all the time. And now I surround myself with way too many books and music and cats and I can eat cookies for dinner if I want to (something my child self promised that my adult self would do) and I can laze in my bed or write until all hours and more and more.

Sometimes it's the time out that gives us the opportunity to be grateful for the little things. When I'm in the quagmire of chaos next week, I hope that I can take a moment to remind myself that I am living my childhood dream and keep stomping forward towards my adult dream. That's all I can ask.

EY