Drama
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Thursday 26Apr07 6:14pm

We're in Taurus and it could be drama for Capricorns. It's that doing shit and not thinking there are repercussions. How do you blatantly lie to someone and tell the kind of lie that can be checked up on and then get mad when your ass is caught? I shake my head with awe waiting for the shit to come raining down, wondering if I'll even find out about it. That was one Capricorn.

The second Capricorn involved me in his drama but I let it stay his drama. Cause and effect buddy, cause and effect. Why do some men think they are so cute? They think they can run a game, communicate with passive aggressive flair, then get all shrill and girl like when you shoot them down. No freak, I don't give second chances on stupidity. Sucks to be you.

I did my best impression of the walking dead today. Enjoyed last night fully on the generosity of others. In other words, got drunk for free. Fun times were had, inappropriate conversations went in depth and the ridiculous questions that make you laugh your ass off. It's funny that the picture I chose for my Facebook profile is of me with my head back in laughter. That seems to be my MO for Taurus. That's my expectation anyway.

Currently reading Thunder and Lightning by Natalie Goldberg. It's by far her best book on writing practice. Of course everything is about timing. Sometimes you connect with a book more than others. She gets in depth with how others go from writing practice to completing a large work. Something I need to read, for sure with the crazy binders of White Wishes that I still have yet to wade through.

This weekend the wading begins. I need to read through all the pages first and absorb all the words in my body or my psyche. That will get me somewhere.

Stop hoping, start expecting!

EY

Ain't it Funny
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Tuesday 5:43pm 24apr07

The big discussion of the morning on Flow Radio was about Akon and the video of him simulating sex with a 14 year old floating around the internet. It seems that he put on a show at a club called Zen in Trinidad and asked some girls to come on stage to win a trip to Africa. It was a trick. The trip to Africa was the simulated mad sex with Akon.

After many comments about it on the radio this morning I went looking for the video. Don't know why I did that, it's really offensive.
He flings the girl around the stage like she's a blow up doll. He simulates screwing her then grabs her legs and holds her with her head down on the stage while he simulates going down on her then flings her around more and more all over the stage as if she's the dirtiest little piece of shit that deserves everything she's getting.

The ensuing comments range from how it's the little girls fault because she made herself look grown and was at a club. She's a preacher's kid and it's her parents fault. Little girls are dressing up like women and fooling brothers. It's cultural and that's how Trini's act at carnival and on and on. Makes me shake my head.

Yeah, I tried to dress like I was older when I was 14 years old and most girls have and do but does that really mean they deserve to be humiliated because they are trying to grow up too fast? Most teens have lied to their parents and said they were going to a friends house and then have gone to a club, does that mean they should be humiliated? Lots of grown folks have jumped at the opportunity to get on stage with their favorite performers, does that mean they are asking to have simulated sex with them and then should shut up about it?

The excuses that people come up with for bad behaviour is unbelievable. Akon looks like the all the worst black Mandingo stereotypes of a black animal with a big member fucking everything that moves. Yeah people may get carried away dancing during Carnival or Jump up or Caribana or whatever you want to call it but it's consenting adults getting carried away. Not some black idiot grabbing onto a 14 year old girl no matter how grown she's dressed fake fucking or dry humping her into submission.

Wow, that people still have the perception that the way a woman is dressed makes her deserving of disrespectful treatment actually astounds me. Rape isn't funny. Being grabbed on and pushed up on because you wear high heels and show some skin isn't acceptable. You'd think a grown man with allegedly three wives, would have some sort of sense.

If wearing high heels and a sexy shirt and going to a club and getting on stage with a performer when you're 14 (or any age for that matter) is the criteria for deserving to be fake fucked on stage, then what is the criteria for deserving to be beat up by a man? Obviously there must be a list. What other lists could there be? If you wear a tank top and you have big tits well, clearly that means that any Tom, Dick or Akon has every right to come up to you and comment on your big tits because you're asking for it. If you weren't you'd wear clothes as baggy as garbage bags.

It's too bad that some of the people in the audience didn't feel ashamed enough to protect her. They should have just booed his skinny black ass off the stage. But instead it seems that the consensus is that she brought it on herself getting on stage in the first place hoping to win a trip to the wrong Africa. Better her than me, seems to be the attitude. Just another R. Kelly tricked by a young looking woman ripe for the taking (or for the pissing on). And could you just imagine how funky he must have smelled? Dirty, nasty, little fucker. He's going to show a girl how to be a woman by dragging her around a dirty stage to cheers from the audience.

As long as as we justify that kind of behaviour from infantile idiots that have no clue about how to do anything bordering on respect to women that kind of shit is going to continually happen. Is anybody mad yet?

EY

The Blues
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Monday 23Apr07 5:15pm

I'm slowly coming back to life from that damn cold that knocked me soundly on my ass. I missed a whole weekend of lovely weather because of it. That first real good weekend when you have to celebrate and find a patio and rollerblade and hang out with friends laughing your ass off. I slept and can't even tell you what I dreamed of or if I even dreamed. It was that pathetic. My stomach still feels iffy, my head isn't totally my friend and my bark of a cough sounds like it could be coming from Andre the giant but I'm alive.

I had a long chat with a friend Saturday morning after midnight because he'd called and woke me up and I'd slept so much the least I could do was have a conversation with a living human being. In giving him my views on what he could do to contend with his depression I was thrilled to see that there was a purpose for my blue period that I went through starting with my mother's birthday. It's funny when I go through the hard times I think that all my focus is on getting out of it and I don't always realize that I'm learning something.

I learned that I have to keep moving forward. It's not always easy but no one ever promised us a happy beginning, middle or ending. I have to fake motivation until I have real motivation. It's like working out. Once you start working out it increases your energy but you have to find the energy to work out in order to gain the energy. Damn catch 22.

This is life. This right here. Sitting and blogging, going to work everyday, that sweet man reciprocating my feelings or not reciprocating my feelings. Life isn't going to begin when I reach a certain goal or have a certain relationship or pay off my debts. Life is now. Life is messy and chaotic and hurts and is magical and is miserable and is funny as hell and can be a joke and can be so wonderful and my best bet is to find some meaning that makes me feel good about my existence and my predicaments, right now. I have to open myself up to what is here right in this minute.

Life is making a choice to stay away from trouble or jumping into trouble with eyes wide, landing on both feet. Life is optimism and enthusiasm and seeing a friend I haven't seen since my birthday and giving him a big hug and spending a couple hours talking about our dreams. Life is what happens on our way to our dreams. If I can't find something to enjoy in my life now, I won't enjoy it when I do realize my dreams.

I came to terms with my vision of looking into the future as if that will cure me. Once my bills are paid, I'll be happy. Once I have a bigger place I'll be happy. Once I know if he cares about me, I'll be happy. I finally realized that there is always going to be some form of perfection that I'll insist will make me happy when it happens. But all that really does is keep me chasing. I have to be happy now,with my messy life and messy apartment and uncertain feelings. It's like my motto or justification for buying more books, I always convince myself that the next book I'm going to buy is going to solve my life. I've finally had to tell myself that I have all the books I need to succeed. Just to stop the insanity of buying more books when I have so many I haven't even cracked yet.

And my life right now is pretty spectacular. It has some good shit and bad shit. I have people I love and people I ignore. I have people I miss and people I'm happy to be gone from my life. I have laughter and tears and the blues and the giggles and wit and forgetfulness and affection and moments of neediness and wishes for deeper intimacies and outright loneliness. I'm feeling it all. I'm not repressing my true feelings like I did for so many years. I'm not this big bundle of pure anger. I can name my different emotions. I have different emotions. Feeling blue is not the worse thing in the world. It just reminds me that I have more than one emotion. In life, we're supposed to feel more than one emotion.

EY

Peeing like a race horse
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Wednesday 11:32pm 18Apr07

I guess going to bed at 6:30pm on Monday should have been a sign that I was coming down with something. I always just assume that I'm a lazy ass. But not this time. At dinner last night, in the midst of a conversation with my friend, I got all congested and had the subtle sore throat. This morning my throat was pretty much closed. I still thought I could get my shit to gether and go to work. Then I called in for a half day thinking if I just slept in this morning, I'd be okay.

At 10am I finally admitted that I couldn't do it. Lots of sleep and weird dreams and that lovely fever and drinking anything wet and peeing like a race horse. That's what I've been doing. Smiling at my three catty companions as they attempted to walk across my breasts and smacked me in the face with their tails. I think that they think I was faking. That's until I finally started to disturb them with the constant sneezing succession. Got to love that part when only one nostril is running. What is up with that?

This is the most coherent I've been all day. Going to suck on more chewable Vitamin C's and drink more tea and water and juice and ginger ale and crank up my electric blanket to high and pee a few more hundred times. Cuz that's just how it is.

EY

Angel at my feet
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Tuesday 3:05am 17Apr07
I conked out at 6:30pm last night and slept right through to 2:30am. I honestly thought I'd sleep for a couple hours and then get up and write. Fooled me. The only reason why I woke up was because my downstairs neighbours were banging a hammer or something. I figure their downstairs neighbours were making noise and they were banging their disapproval. Considered going down stairs to bang on their heads but thought better of it. Who needs a fight at 2 o'clock in the morning.

It's peaceful now. Just a nice hum. The cats all sleep on their separate perches. The tap is dripping. That's the extent of the noises at this time. I get the odd whiff of Orange scented pine sol of which I mopped the floors with on Sunday.

Lolo made it safely to Korea and is stoked about her new apartment. Front loading washing machine... I'm jealous.

Was in a mood for most of Monday. Announced to a contractor, "I'm not feeling very patient today, so you need to get to the point." Ado laughed and said he felt sorry for whoever made the mistake of crossing my path.

I don't know what it was that made me so moody. My thoughts got dark. I could understand why some people end their lives in suicide. The feeling that the problems never end and thinking, why bother? I used that energy for Rachel and wrote a small segment of White Wishes with Rachel feeling that sense of defeat with her alcoholic husband and her children that she had to care for no matter how tired she feels or defeated. It helped. There are days when you want to get back to the Source, when you know it's up to you to feel connected but you just can't.

I went up to the management office to drop off some stuff. As I came off the freight elevator I saw a glinty token on the floor. I kicked it and figured it was an insignia off a portfolio or something and kept going. When I came back it was still on the floor and I decided to pick it up. On it reads, "Always with you." On the other side is an Angel.

Ohh! Talk about an immediate mood change. Source connected with me by dropping an angel at my feet. I forget that my life is magical. I forget that I have so many good things to focus on. I have many things to be grateful for: a job and coworkers I genuinely like, a place of my own that truly is my sanctuary, my three cats that make me giggle (Picasso was grooming me last night, rubbing her head against my scalp and then cleaning me), interests and hobbies, life long friends, good health, ideas, more than enough resources (books, music etc).

My buddy who got me into my bar mess called me yesterday morning at 8:30am asking, "You want to meet up on Wednesday?" So I have another outing this week. I figure he's got news. I also figure I have to prepare myself for the combined teasing that he and Fredo will give me since they like to tag team against me. Bastards!

Today is the new moon. A perfect time to start a new project or a new job and get a new attitude.

Picasso is crying her squeaky cry at the door begging to go explore the hallway. Might as well let her out.

EY