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PILOT EPISODE ‘Toothpicks’ Featuring Michael, Gabriel, Uriel, and Lucifer. Written by Ren
At first, there was nothing. The universe was darkness. That was only because God was lazy. Then He figured out He didn’t like ‘nothing’, so He came up with an idea. He made light. How He did that His angels did not know. He also made order, earth, water, and nice green grass to feel plushy under His feet when He was not roaming the heavens. But let’s not get into details, shall we? Keep in mind that God was a lazy son of a gun, and had pensions to do things that were neither productive nor destructive. Okay, He was slightly destructive. For one, He never cleaned up any messes He left in His wake. The trash eventually got on His nerves, and after His angelic mass threatened to join a union, He created creatures to clean up the Earth for Him. First, came the design stage. His first, and only, idea, well… Imagine blue whales with itty-bitty legs that were incredibly disproportionate to their bodies. Next, came the testing stages. He dropped them on Earth from His spot in the heavens, and… Well, the earth looked closer than it appeared, and He made the whale things a few sizes too big… So when He dropped them, they hit hard enough to mangle the nice checkerboard design He had set up for the Earth’s landmasses. Though they were slightly bigger than what would be called Alaska, and though they were slightly less intelligent than rocks the size of what would be Texas floating around in space (they gotta be dumb if they try to collide with things much bigger than they are), the whale-with-legs-cleaning things got their jobs done. One day, God was sitting back in His Recliner, watching Genesis-Day Football (Angels versus Angels, remember Lucifer hasn’t gotten the big ole’ kick down there yet) on His Twenty-Six-Inch Television With Dolby Surround Sound (sometimes it’s just best to smile and nod and to forget about asking questions), munching on His Pretzel-Popcorn-Beernut Mix and brooding in the heavens. He had been quite angry most of the day after Lucifer had started calling Him His real name (Phil, if you’re curious), and tried to give those slightly-less-intelligent-than-rocks whales-with-legs-cleaning things the ability to distinct right from wrong as well as some intelligence (Lucy’d get his cumuffins later for the same trick…). That had instantly soured His day. So, now He was trying to dislodge a popcorn kernel from His teeth with a toothpick. He did dislodge it, along with some of last week’s salad mix (courtesy of Gabriel; the angel had to have a broccoli infatuation or something), and unwittingly threw it at His little planet, embedding it deep in its surface… Normally, the S.L.I.T.R W.W.L.C. things (keep track, you oughta know what this stands for) would be on the job immediately, but after accepting some of the intelligence Lucifer had offered them, they had renegotiated their contracts with God, one of the new clauses stating they could take several hours off in order to sleep. That being what all of them were doing, the broccoli-covered toothpick was left there. To make a long story short, the broccoli got bored and began to take over the toothpick, meantime wondering why it had not been digested yet… For no truly viable reason at all, God decided to check up on His planet, and was quaintly surprised. The following transcript is His conversation with Michael… “Oh, wow! What is this wondrous thing?!” “It’s a toothpick, God.” “I must think of a name…” “It’s a toothpick, God.” “…for My beautiful creation…” “Toothpick! Toothpick! It’s called a toothpick!” “I know, I shall call it… a tree!” At this point, Michael groans in misery, walks away, and resolves to never ever talk to God again, as to avoid any future frustration over such a trivial matter. The following transcript is the conversation He had with Uriel not too long after… “What’s that, sir?” “It’s a tree, Uriel.” “…” “Isn’t it beautiful?” “Sure looks like a big toothpick to me. You sure you thought of this all by yourself?” “…Of course I did!” “Surrrrre… (Phil)…” Thankfully for Uriel, God didn’t hear that last comment. And, for the next few days, God spent His time eating fruits and vegetables, cleaning His teeth with toothpicks, and then flinging them at Earth. He created many trees, including apple trees, pear trees, cherry trees… Some of His more ‘creative’ ideas bottomed out, like potato trees, onion trees, watermelon trees (though He got a big kick out of seeing a rather ripe one fall squarely on Michael’s head…), and fish trees. Gabriel had told Him repeatedly that fish trees wouldn’t work, period. Fish were water creatures, not ones that grew on trees. God proved him wrong by growing one, but then trashed the idea because the trees smelled to high heaven and were just generally ugly. God later had much more fun with rocks, animals, people, and water balloons (Calvin once said that something so useful could only be made by a benevolent God… Not John Calvin, you strange person, Calvin of ‘Calvin & Hobbes’ fame. When did religious figures factor into this?), but, as He was lazy, He had many, many people write His biography for Him. (God got a little angry when Michael compared His Biblical personality to a petrified tree, but Michael avoided becoming Lucifer’s drinking buddy by means of excessive groveling) And so, all things God did were good, though
most of them be mistakes, as they were yesterday, and the day before that,
and so on and so forth, and today He doth remain ‘The God,’ and the day
is called His day, despite Michael (‘The Man’ as ‘twere) and his obviously
superior intelligence and reasoning capabilities…
t~~h~~e ~~-~~ e~~n~~d (Thank God...)
I’m so sorry, but I had too.
And, no matter what any of you say, I loved
writing this bit of blasphemy. At least that’s what my mom called it....
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The C Force © 1996-2001 Matt Laskowski --- The R Force © 1995-2001 The R. Enforcer