PENNY PINCHING HUSBAND CONFINES WIFE TO PUMPKIN SHELL
An appalling case of neglect and abuse came to public attention as Mr. P. Peter, a prominent citizen for many years, was arrested outside his home yesterday.
"I barely had room to move!" sobbed his broken hearted wife. The poor woman had been confined to a pumpkin shell for six weeks until neighbours discovered her traumatic ordeal and set her free.
"My life has been a misery with that man," cried his anguished victim in a recent press conference. Mr. Peter could not be reached for comment.
SCANDAL ROCKS NEIGHBOURHOOD
Three local tradesmen were apprehended yesterday while taking a bath together, reports the Mother Goose News. Mayor Spandy laments the disintegration of moral fibre in our communities. By court order the content of the investigation is not available to the general public, in order to protect the rights of the innocent.
MAJOR CLEANUP PROJECT UNDERWAY AFTER PHILANTHROPIST'S DEMISE
At the end of his long vigil on behalf of rights for the chronically fragile, Mr. H. Dumpty suffered a fatal accident. 'Operation Cleanup' has been launched by order of the king to retrieve Mr. Dumpty's broken parts. Palace staff have been occupied for three days in an attempt to restore the famous social activist to his original condition, but the prognosis is not hopeful.
RELIGIOUS INTOLERANCE CITED IN DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SUIT
After his case was dismissed by a federal jury last week, an elderly gentleman who wishes to remain anonymous has filed suit against a Mr. G.G. Gander for allegedly throwing him down a flight of stairs during an argument on the subject of religion.
"I don't even know what the silly goose was doing in my house," the gentleman was heard to remark. "He seemed to be just wandering from room to room."
The elderly gentleman, who suffered minor injuries, has called for an investigation of religious intolerance in our communities.
CONTROVERSY RAGES IN ACADEMIC CIRCLES
A most extraordinary rumour is circulating regarding a long standing tradition founded by Dr. Gormenstern Faustus, eminent professor at Gooseland University's School of Western European Studies. For decades his graduating classes have enjoyed the rare privilege of an invigorating tour through France, continuing into Spain before returning home. For the first time a few students have objected to the Spartan routine of the tour, describing it as "overly rigorous".
The traditional method of transport has never been criticized before; in fact many observers have complimented the graduating classes on their brusque footwork to the cheerful sound of the good doctor's trusty whip. Many prestigious alumni of the School have come forward in support of Prof. Faustus, whose methods are generally regarded with approval.
"Poppycock!" our own Mayor Spandy has been heard to protest. "In my day we took such things in stride. Young people nowadays are undisciplined and disinclined toward healthy exercise. Besides, we had to do it."
"No sense of humour" seems to be the consensus among veterans of the traditional tour, who describe the experience as "character building". Until the rumours were circulated, Dr. Faustus enjoyed a stainless reputation, and the tour has been part of the academic scene for several decades.
graphic courtesy of 321 Clipart
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