CHAPTER 11
The psychiatric centre is described.
(Melissa and Maria were fellow patients. The two blond boys were named Jem and Kegan respectively.)
page 148:
The dining room smelled delicious. The cooking staff did a terrific job. As Lee had predicted the boys were already there, with a couple of male staff members, and the first plates were being brought out. Beverages and desserts were on a trolley by the door, with cups, saucers and utensils. Clare hardly ate anything.
She was told to watch out for Melissa. Staff were teaching Melissa not to take food off other people's plates.
"What?" Clare mouthed to Maria, who laughed and rolled her eyes.
She had a blurry impression of the boys. Two golden heads rose above the others, belonging to a pair of strikingly attractive youths. It is significant that Clare barely noticed them at the time. One was muscular and quite powerful, calm and centred, and was regularly described as 'cute', with piercing eyes and an easygoing air. The other was the tallest of the boys, thin and classically handsome, with blond curls just touching the nape of his long neck. Clare was oblivious to the pair, except to notice that the taller boy smiled and nodded at her with overly bright blue eyes. She thought there must be something terribly wrong with him.
CHAPTER 12
We become better acquainted with the patients and staff.
(Shani was a patient; Lee and Rosalyn were staff members.)
pages 160 & 161:
Shani played the same song over and over again every time she could get at the stereo. "God," the boys cried in unison, "Don't be selfish, nobody wants to hear it".
"Why not?" was Shani's reaction.
In the spacious white washroom she told Clare, while applying her twiggies, "I bet you can't guess how old I am".
Thirteen or fourteen, thought Clare.
"Twelve," said Shani proudly. "I'm the youngest kid around here. I never failed." Shani was in eighth grade and bright as a penny.
Lee came in and said, "Shani, don't you think that miniskirt is a bit too short?"
"No," said Shani.
"Well, I think it is, and I think you should change it," answered Lee calmly.
What's with her? thought Clare. When she asked Rosalyn why this had happened, she was told that perhaps such a rule was specially suited to deal with Shani's individual problems. Clare remained sceptical.
"I'm here because I hate grownups," Shani announced.
"It's not the grownups I mind, it's the kids who think they're grown up," offered Clare. And then added, "whom society considers grownups," so there could be no inference that she was talking about Shani, who took offence easily.
CHAPTER 13
Clare's therapy is described, and we are prepared for issues involved in the following chapters.
page 177:
Homosexuals, along with transvestites, fetishists and sadomasochists, are feared because if they come out then bisexuals may join them. Bisexuals are the truly frightening group because if they reveal what they are then they cannot pretend to pair bond, and sooner or later it will become apparent that more than two people are in the same bed at the same time.
There is an unspoken agreement between male and female heterosexuals that neither will mention what bisexuals do, because this would pose a threat to their marriages if one spouse became dissatisfied with pair bonding. Both make a point of demonstrating no interest in bisexuals of the opposite gender. Obviously rivalry supercedes curiosity.
It is just as well for heterosexuals that this pact exists, since there simply aren't enough bisexuals in the world to go around. From the latter group's point of view the arrangement has been too successful, but consider the alternative. Heterosexuals would only start fighting for exclusive consumption of a scarce commodity. It would have to outnumber them two to one for the situation to work. As it is, the ratio is reversed.
CHAPTER 14
Clare was approached by Kegan, who regarded her as one in a long series of conquests.
page 188:
The girls' ward was abuzz with preparations for the evening. In the washroom, spacious and flooded with light, Clare encountered an exuberant Shani.
"What do you think of him? Do you like him? Kegan, of course. He and I used to have an understanding, but that was a while ago. He really likes you, I can tell. He was looking at you the whole time. Come on, he was. And he always starts with his poetry. Say, what do you think of him, anyway? Are you going to say yes to him? Say yes. Why not? You can't say no all your life."
And only then did Clare understand.
Insecure though she was, it had never occurred to her that she need take what was available, since there had been no occasion upon which to consider the matter. If she were not in a stupor over a man, then she would never think of him in that light. But when your daily life becomes involved, when you find that you can be cherished at last, not in any wistful dream but at this very moment, the stupor doesn't take long in coming. This time nothing stood between Clare and that happiness which she had assumed was not for her.
Eloise, with her many boyfriends, had once remarked with condescending kindness, "You know, Clare, I think you're getting to be quite attractive". Clare had never connected this with a real possibility, with an escape from her miserable, solitary existence. She decided that she would say yes.
This was a big decision. It required that she remove love from a realm of make believe in which it had been firmly entrenched, and place it in the real world. And as the decision was being made, the fabric of her entire life underwent an upheaval whose magnitude should not be underestimated.
CHAPTER 15
After being inevitably jilted by Kegan, Clare was confronted by Shani and Maria.
pages 208 & 209:
There was a moment's whispering and Clare, behind the curtain, had a flashing insight into what would happen when Maria's voice suddenly rose sharply.
"You know," said Maria in a tone which must have reverberated in that room hours later, "since you moved back in, seems you've been thinking you're pretty hot shit. Well, you're not." Maria had never heard of single combat.
And Clare, who urgently wished herself far, far away from this place, forced back her tears and tried to keep her balance while the tiny dressing room whirled around her head.
Slowly and deliberately she folded her towel, even though it was headed for the laundry. It was a good thing nobody saw that. It would have provided a golden opportunity for snide comments. Slowly and deliberately she unfolded each article of clothing. Piece by piece each one was put on her body. Carefully she smoothed her nightgown. There was no need to rush, since she wasn't going down to breakfast. She kept her eyes open. Any sudden movement would start the tears, and this was not the time or place.
She was not wanted here. Rhythmically, methodically, Clare proceeded to brush her hair and wait for Shani to re-enter, now backed and ready for sport.
Shani did indeed come in. Hoping vainly (as she knew) that Shani would be content with her revenge and let her leave this place in peace, Clare stiffened her lip, tilted back her head so that the tears would literally drop back into her eyes, and continued to brush behind the curtain.
"And you can stop the snobbish silence," Shani hurled spitefully at the curtain. She wanted double revenge for her sufferings. After all, she had been with Kegan too. Not daring to breathe, Clare felt the tears flow safely back into her eyes and dry up. "You're quick enough to tell other people what you think of them."
CHAPTER 16
During the Christmas holidays, Clare prepared herself to win Kegan back.
pages 225 & 226:
She had wanted to look nice, when she might have knocked people off their feet. Now she would insist upon the best. All it required was an open mind, a change in sights set, and enough humility to accept the fact that improvements were necessary. She picked her body apart and put it back together in the best possible way. She braced herself to scrutinize every flaw, without ascribing to it any greater importance than it deserved. And only after doing this was she able to counteract every one.
The sole purpose of this project, of course, was to regain Kegan's attention. He was the one she wanted off his feet. You may recall the twin brothers who fell in love with Scarlett O'Hara at the same moment but could never tell why. Recall also that every woman knows why the Mona Lisa smiles, yet no man has yet guessed the reason.
She cut the front locks of her hair at the sides of her jaw, against which they curled slightly. She teased the hair on top of her head, allowing the rest to fall down her back. She shortened all her skirts to just below the groin. And she painted a new face on top of her own plain one. She had the bone structure; the rest she could create, exactly as an artist paints a beautiful face on a blank canvas. She curved her eyebrows and completely reshaped her eyes, carefully drawing shadows which did not exist. She created almond eyes, high cheekbones and pouting lips, putting her much praised draughtsmanship to practical use.
Perhaps the eyes were a bit much. It did look as if she were going onstage, although she liked the dramatic effect. Pierced ears and plucked eyebrows would have been convenient, too. And she had yet to discover the best products on the market. But what she effected was nevertheless a transformation.
Did she what? Knock him off his feet? Why darling, of course.
CHAPTER 17
Clare was aware of the fact that Kegan would reject her if she accepted him, so she kept him at arm's length. A new patient named Susanna was not so experienced. She was Kegan's latest catch.
pages 229 & 230:
Kegan was having quite a little problem juggling two girls at the same time, and Clare derived great amusement from observing his discomfort, even behaving more receptively toward him one day in Susanna's presence, to see the reaction. His eyes shifted as he calculated whether he could afford to endanger the reliable catch for a more elusive possibility.
How inconvenient that the two girls were in the same place. It did not escape Clare's notice that when she entered a room, Kegan became reluctant about overtly exhibiting his attraction toward Susanna. She watched him become as neutral as possible in her rival's presence, and checked his reactions to different degrees of proximity. You could have a lot of fun playing with Kegan.
He was quite the favourite with the kitchen staff downstairs. He flirted with them. He was the type who remembered names, and that always made a good impression. Clare noted that he could do this for only a short time. He liked to charm people who saw him briefly, in order to counteract the fact that he was unable to sustain anything of longer duration.
CHAPTER 18
We learn about home life on the weekends and activities at Hempstead.
(Mona was a staff member at Hemps, and Duane was a patient.)
pages 241 to 245:
"Don't you think Beethoven's last string quartets..." –from Clare, this was interrupted by a request to pass the marmalade, which Dian took as long as possible to do– "are quite unlike the Razumovsky quartets…"
" Obviously," remarked Dian.
"IN THAT he didn't have to–"
"How sensitive you are, Clare," said Lisa sarcastically. "I'm touched."
"That's a family secret."
"Quiet, Dian. Clare's trying to say something."
"Yeah, shut up. Conform to any rules. It is not necessarily deliberate that you get a sense of tragedy..."
"Don't hog the marmalade. Mummy, Clare's hogging the marmalade."
"Oh, another bomb went off in Belfast, they say here."
"I was talking."
"Sorry, dear."
"A little dab'll do you," Daddy interjected in a helpful tone, commenting gently upon Clare's bad habit of dipping her knife into the marmalade jar. A tussle ensued, and Lisa got the marmalade jar because she was Right.
"Oh, that dog's in here again! Will somebody get that animal out of here?"
"Oh, leave the poor dog alone."
"Come on, Dian. He's a sweet dog. Aren't you, Spike?"
"I was talking about Beethoven's last string quartets."
"Go on."
"Yes, Clare was trying to say something."
"Well, I don't see why I should tell you."
A tremendous clatter arose from Dian's place at the table.
"We do want to hear you."
"I don't."
"Please pass the butter."
"Not until I've finished what I'm saying."
"Mummy, make her pass the butter."
"Clare, you can't usurp the butter."
"I was going to tell you that the restrictions of his time were a blessing in disguise which had previously resulted in an exquisite harmony and balanced structure, and if you weren't so terribly uncouth you'd understand what I'm trying to say."
"Nobody understands what you're trying to say."
"Hush, Dian. That was quite unnecessary."
"Oh, read this. Males are going to become obsolete in a few million years."
"No stopping progress."
"But I can open jars. You said yesterday that this had become the role of man in modern society."
"You have your uses, I suppose."
"Even a stopped clock is right twice a day."
"I'm just going to rely upon my inner dignity to deal with the fact that you don't want to hear any more about asymmetry and unintentional pathos in Beethoven's last works."
"That's what you're counting on?"
"Shall we tell her?"
"Dian, you're not eating butter with a spoon."
The doorbell rang and Mummy got up.
"Dian, did you put scented candles on the table with bacon and eggs?"
"Remember the time Daddy told us in a restaurant that the cooks checked the temperature of the soup by spitting in it, and Mummy was ready to leave?"
"Who was there?"
"A little boy asking for donations for some fund. I gave him fifty cents."
This was followed by an uproar from everyone at the table. "She says that to their faces!" burst from Lisa.
"I hope you didn't call him a little boy to his face. How many times have I told you that it's devastating?"
"Oh, sorry."
"Do sit down, Mummy, don't strain yourself."
"Yeah, so Daddy doesn't tell us to stop eating."
"That's why I said it."
"Darling, I'll do that. You work hard enough as it is."
"I'll stop, I'll stop."
"That's what she always says to put him off, so she can keep going."
"You're not suggesting that I am an inveterate liar."
"No, Mrs. Worthing, this is an outright accusation."
Daddy always insisted that no one begin eating until Mummy was seated, but the end of the meal became quite informal because the two of them would get into politics over the morning newspaper. She sat at one end and he sat at the other, with the half-cleared table between them. Mummy would gesticulate, and Daddy would emphatically bang his fist upon the table, and both would forget their coffee while the girls drifted off in boredom. This was very clever of them, because they got out of clearing up and washing the dishes.
pages 249 & 250:
'Program' was after dinner. Clare always went swimming on Wednesdays. After trembling in the van on a freezing, black and snowy night, the patients entered a twilight world of pungent chlorine and warm, humid air. They would free themselves of their heavy coats, emerge almost naked and plunge into the water, glorying in the opportunity to move like the young animals they were.
Then after the wild frenzy of shouting and swimming, they would wrap themselves again in their thick, drab, bulky cocoons and file out. Suddenly the place became a deserted pool of water in an empty building in the middle of winter, and they didn't belong on the deck in their trammelings. But once they were out, laughing into the cold winter night, they felt happy to snuggle up in the close dark van and sing together on the ride back. Singing on a cold night in a van with as many people as will fit into it is an experience to remember. Mona made up a song consisting of two lines about each of them with a refrain, and everyone liked that.
They would arrive back at Hemps and spill out of the van and into their rooms in a burst of exuberant energy. "Home sweet Hemps," said Duane one night. "Back to the loony bin." Clare put on some light makeup before appearing in the common room. I say 'appearing' because that's exactly what she did. She was, after all, a performer. They talked about whatever the other group had been doing, but Clare knew that it couldn't be as good as swimming. She would relax with strawberry jam on toast, swimmer that she was, until bedtime.
CHAPTER 19
After Clare confronted Kegan on his career as a heartbreaker, she guessed his true motivation.
pages 262 & 263:
Each man of this type goes to a different length. Some dabble as Kegan did, while others plunge into a string of failed marriages and rejected children. They never explain themselves, even after their relationships no longer mean anything to them. Such a man might specialize in one night stands, shunting women off in the mornings as being of no further use, or treating them to the humiliating experience of being dropped off in stony silence by his friends. Discarded after offering the very bodies by which they live, because their chaste and single minded devotion is not required.
Now you can make of that what you will. But Clare considered Maria's opinion on the matter to be significant, and Maria had started to think enough was enough. "You and I have been real close," she announced to Kegan in front of everyone, "but if you keep on picking up girls and dropping them I don't think I'm gonna bother with you any more". Jem kept his own counsel, and disapproved in silence.
CHAPTER 20
Clare befriended a new patient named Ray, who was as different from Kegan as night from day.
pages 269:
"Come on, Clare," he had said softly for her ears only, in a tone full of fond encouragement that she would never forget. Clare had never been treated like this before. He had looked into her eyes with his reassuring, steady gaze. She had looked straight into someone else's soul, and he had looked back into hers. There was nothing devious about Ray. For the first time in her life Clare's solitude had been dispelled, and she was not alone.
pages 270 & 271:
Clare's times alone with Ray had been full of gaiety. One afternoon when the two of them were kidding around in the pool room, she went toward the gym to drink at a fountain and returned to find no one in sight. Ray had obviously gone into the pool room to tease her, but did not respond when she called at the door. He reappeared, of course, and the incident was of no significance except for one thing. That was the keenness of Clare's disappointment at the thought that he had deserted her, a sense of loss which was disproportionate to the occasion.
Clare derived a pleasure from her afternoons in the pool room, a pleasure of which she was not fully aware. And yet when she had grown to love Ray –is this an old story?– she was fully aware that he had been in her heart all along. It was a sweet friend, this knowledge. No one ever fell in love more beautifully.
graphic courtesy of Shapiro Webgallery
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