This will probably be the most difficult page I write as it is the most personal one of all, but, I believe the Lord is putting it upon me to do just this, maybe, it will help someone out there feeling lost and forsaken, perhaps, it will help them see that no matter how difficult life gets or the hardships thrown their way....we are never alone, and there is someone who loves us and will heal us if only we just ask. You see, I am a survivor of sexual abuse, and believe it or not that is the first time I've ever said those words....survivor of sexual abuse, they are mine and I own them. My father died when I was two, leaving my mother with three kids, for awhile we lived with our grandparents, and after mom got on her feet we moved a block away from them into a little split double. After a little bit of time, my mom's boyfriend moved in with us, and one day, I would call him dad. I was an outgoing child, would talk to anybody, I was full of energy, and all of my pictures show a happy smiling little girl. Living next door to us was a young family, a father, a wife and a son. The son was my age and we played together a lot. One day I was over at his house playing and had to go to the bathroom, it's funny I remember this so well, and forget so much of the rest, I guess you always do remember the first time. Anyhow, the father, who's name is David Bell ( a matter of public record.) insisted on coming into the bathroom with the excuse that his son would try to get in, he locked the bathroom door and I went about answering the call of nature; afterward I couldn't get my pants buttoned and asked for help. He lifted me upon the counter around the sink, and proceeded to pull my pants down and perform oral sex upon me, I was six years old, and I can still see his face when he was done...he was looking at me like a lover who just had a splendid experience, he was pleased with himself. I can't tell you how I felt, my memory doesn't let me remember too much about this time, only bits and pieces. It happened numerous times, and the threats began, he told me since we lived in a split and our walls were attached he could hear me through them, and said if I told anyone, that my daddy was already dead, and he would see that my mother followed. The day came that he took me downstairs and layed me out on his pool table and proceeded to try and penetrate me, without success. I lay there crying from pain and fear and he was mad, and I again I was reminded that if I told he would kill my mom.
I don't know what made me decide to tell someone, perhaps God himself, but my older sister and I were in the bathtub (which was on an outside wall), and I made Gretchen promise not to tell mom, which she quickly promised and I told her everything..... Gretch kept her word, she didn't tell mom, she told dad. Only years later would I learn that my mom contemplated running over him with her car one day and the only thing that stopped her, was what it would do to me. (Thank you, Jesus!!!) and dad, had a gun loaded ready to use it as well, again, the Lord intervened. I remember the day we went to court, I sat outside the courtroom with my paternal grandmother, just chomping at the bit to tell everyone what this man had done to me, I wanted to testify, I was no longer afraid, but, mom was worried about what effects it would have on me as were the prosecutor's and so a plea bargain was reached, he was to receive counciling, and was put on probation!!!! Needless to say, he offended repeatedly, I was not the first and I was by far not the last. The effects on me were profound and far reaching, and it wasn't until I was an adult that I would begin to grasp it all. First of all, when a child is sexually abused it awakens their sexuality, something no child is equipt to understand, let alone handle. The older I got, the lower the self esteem became, at the age of forteen I lost my virginity, and afterward treated my body like a Serta mattress. I am ashamed to say, that I was very promiscuous, I never realized it was a symptom of the abuse. I mistook sex for love nearly all of my life, and that went hand in hand with my feelings of no self worth. I placed so little value on myself, and found myself always searching to try to find a way to stop the pain that filled my every waking hour, and then I was introduced to my new bestfriend, drugs! Since I'm being completely honest here, I will admit that qualudes were my drug of choice, they made me feel so good and I could forget the turmoil that raged within me, but, it was only fleeting, and when I came down the feelings of worthlessness and despair were larger than life. At fifteen, I ran away to Virginia with a boyfriend, and God bless mom it only took her a week to track me down and bring me home. It was just before my 16th birthday, that I overdosed on qualudes at school, I passed out in history class, and the word made it around the school, I vaguely remembering my brother Terry (6'3 300lbs) storming into the class and demanding, "Where's my sister?" He picked me up and carried me to the principal's office. Mom admitted me to a pshyce ward that day, and I would spend my 16th birthday in there. Did I learn anything? Of course not! My life has been pretty much a huge Valerie pity party and rebellion, looking back now I shudder at the things I've done and what I put my family through, but, pain and a feeling of isolation can drive us to do things we'd never dream of doing, especially when one doesn't feel worthy of love. I met my husband when we were both 20, but, I had fit a lifetime of mistakes in, and I didn't make it easy for him to love me, but, he hung in there with me. He was my earthly lifeboat, and Christ obviously had my back. Everyone always told me that Scott looked at me like I was the tastiest chocolate in the candystore window, he loved me even at my worst (trust me, he saw the worst many times.), and in April of 1989 our son was born, we married the following December, in 91 our beautiful daughter would follow, but, still I was hell bent on self destruction. Beer was my newest drug of choice, and lot's of it please!! Oh, and I forgot the pot, with a colicky baby, it helped me relax.... And then I turned thirty. There was something about that age that seemed as if a veil was being lifted. I give Christ the credit. I think he just got sick of the self inflicted torture, and just finally shouted, "Valerie, I'm here!!!! I never left you." Because that is about the time, I purchased my Bible Dictionary and opened up the Bible I had recieved ten years before from my mother for Christimas, and began my journey and relationship with God. And as my relationship with Christ grew, the wounds began to heal, truly they did, and I began to realize that I have value and no matter what life throws our way, no matter how bad our behavior, the Lord is waiting patiently for us to turn to Him, and with Him we not only get forgiveness, but, peace. Peace....such a beautiful word, and even better to experience, I have that now, I like me flaws and all, and I appreciate all the blessings in my life instead of concentrating on the wrongs that had been done to me, and those days of self destruction are behind me because of the grace of God. The story of the aduterous woman touches me especially, because it tell us, no matter what we have done, or where we come from, Grace, forgiveness and the Love of God belong to all of us, and all of us are worthy of love. I once asked myself, "Okay, Valerie, you're a born again Christian, if David Bell came to you today and asked for forgiveness, what would you say?" I stumped myself on that one, the answer is I don't know. My faith tells me I should, but, the human part of me? Both sides are in conflict, but, I think I would. Just like everybody else, one day David Bell will stand before the King of Kings and be accountable for all that he has done, and it doesn't get more shameful than that. Do I wish him ill will, no, it seems he has plenty of his own issues to deal with; have I prayed for him? No.... never thought of it until I wrote this, but, I will. And the biggest question, would I like to see him in heaven someday? Yes, my wish is Satan and his minions be in Hell all by themselves! Most importantly, I am not perfect and I shall never be, but I need not be perfect for Christ, I only need to be receptive and willing to recieve him. I have given my life to Christ and turned it over to him; and pray that He will use me to do His will and touch the lives of others.
For anyone who is a survivor of sexual abuse or any other kind, you need not feel alone, because you are not, there is someone who loves you more than anyone. You need not feel as if you are nothing, because you are something, you have value, you have promise and you are important, please don't let your abusers take that from you as well. You are a child of God and that makes you more important than you will ever know, take it from someone who knows, there is healing power in the name of God. He is our father, and no one could love us more than he does. If it weren't for Jesus Christ, I would certainly still be drowning in the river of hopelessness.
God bless you and thank you for visiting my page.
