This is not a wedding like the ones on TV. This is a REAL marriage.
Flanders : Many people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple juice. It is easy to remember. If it is clear and yellow, you got apple juice fellow. ... [blah blah blah]. Homer's brain : You can stay here. I am leaving. ... [Brain leaves and Homer falls down].
Larry Burns : I am so lazy that I took piano lessons. Homer : Ooh! that is lazy.
... stupid economic recovery.
... lousy democrats.
Larry and I have so much in common, Marge. More than you and I. If I am stranded in an island, the only person I would want to be with is Larry.
Marge : Enough about Larry. Homer : It's not like anything interesting happened to anybody else here.
It's not a real kidnapping, Marge. It's a hoax to win a father's love!
My kids ... they could be obnoxious (Bart), boring (Lisa), stinky (Maggi), but they can always count on one thing ... their father's unconditional love.
Burns : We don't have to be adversaries Homer, we both want a fair union contract ... Homer's Brain : Why is Mr.Burns
being so nice to me? Burns : ... and if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours ... Homer's Brain : Wait a minute, is he coming onto me? Burns : I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm? Homer's Brain : Oh my God! He IS coming onto me! Burns : After all, negotiations make strange bed-fellows. Homer's Brain : (Screams) Homer : Sorry Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans
. Sure I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!
Patty : Come on Homer, you can't spell obsequious without I.O.U. Homer : I'll have to trust you on that.
I think I hate Ted Koppel! No, wait, I find him informative and witty. Good night.
Look how loud I have to yell!
Movementarians : Would you like to see our leader?
Homer : Who the hell is that, some kind of leader?
He didn't give you gay did he? Did he?
I'm pretty sure she is
going to be the next Hitler!
Stupid as a fox!
Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time. Like taht day I hit the referee with a wiskey bottle. 'Member that?
Talking Dog : Hey, Homer, find your soul mate! Homer : Hey, wait a minute, there's not such thing as a talking dog? Talking Dog : Bark, Bark! Homer : Damn straight!
Burns : Use an open-faced club. A sand wedge.
Homer : Mmmmm ... open faced club sandwich.
Homer's Memory
: Find your soul mate Homer. Homer : Where?! Homer's Memory
: This is just your memory, I can't give you any new information
.
Homer : Quiet, I can't hear myself think. Homer's Brain : I want some peanuts. Homer : That's better.
Homer : Hmm ... Fabulous house ... Well-behaved kids ... Sisters-in-law dead ... Luxury Sedan ... WOOHOO! I hit the jackpot! Marge
dear, would you kindly pass me a donut? Marge : Donut? What's
a donut? Homer : AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH!
Homer : Ding Dong, the witch is dead ... Bart : Which old witch? Homer : The wicked witch!
Ned : We're done for! We're done-diddly-done-for! We're Done-diddly-doodly-done-diddly-doodly done-diddly-doodly Homer : ( Slapping Ned from left to right ) Flanders! Get a Hold of Yourself! ( He stops slapping for a moment, Ned has calmed down ) Ned : Thanks, Homer ... I
really ... ( Homer begins slapping him again ) Bart : Dad!
I think he gets the point! Homer : (Slap) Better (Slap) To be (Slap) Safe (Slap) Than (Slap) Sorry (Slap) ... ... sorry.
Ned : diddly (Slap)
Marge : Homer, stop picking at it!
Homer : Aww ... but I'm so sweet and tasty! Oh well, time to go to work. [donut head Homer].
Devil Flanders : Now remember,
at the instant that you finish it I own your soul for ...
[Just before the last piece of donut disapears down Homer's throat] Homer : Hey, wait! If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you? Devil Flanders : Uh, technically no, but ... Homer : I'm smarter than the devil! I'm smarter than the dev ... Devil Flanders : "YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL YET, HOMER SIMPSON!"
[Devil departs] Homer : Not likely, heh heh!
Homer : Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich, for a moment.
Marge : Are you going to eat it? Homer : Yes.
Homer's Answering Machine - "Hello. You've reached the home of who ever you are calling. We can't your call right now because we're at Moe's Tavern with a frosty mug of Duff beer. Mmm…Duff. Please leave a message at the beep and we'll call you back if there isn't a good wrestling match on TV. Beep. D'oh!"
( Looking at a vending machine moving around ) : Apple. Apple. Apple. Come on, candy bar. Apple. Hey, I know you! You’re that first apple that I didn’t want. That’s sinks it. I’m really gonna let em have it this time.
Ha Ha! April Fools. I've been keeping that carton of milk next to the furnace for six weeks.
Man with Serum :Mr Simpson, you do realize that this may result in hair loss, giddiness, and the loss of equilibrium. Homer :
Yeah, yeah, yeah, just give me the serum. Hehehe. It was worth it. (Falls on the ground) Hehehehehe Man’s voice : Homer Simpson was remanded to the custody of The United States Army
Neurochemical Research Center at Ft. Mead, Maryland for extensive
testing. Homer : Woo Hoo!
They didn't have any aspirin so I got you some cigarettes.
Look, boy. Now I'm in Australia. Now I'm in America. Australia. America ... Bart : I get it, Dad Homer : Australia. America. Australia. America
... Marge : Homer, that's enough. Homer : Australia. America. Australia. America… [whack] Ow! Man : Here in America
, we don't tolerate that kind of crap, Sir!
I have got a feeling some bad stuff is about to go down.
D'oh! The bee bit my bottom. Now my bottom's big.
Aw, there's only one can of beer left and it's Barts.
As the Bible says, "Thou shalt not horn in on thy husbands racket"
Lisa : Remember Dad, the handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.
Homer : Hehehe. That's nice, Lisa. But we're not in Astronomy class, we're in the woods.
Marge : Homer, we'd like to talk to you. Homer : But then I won't be watching TV. You can see the bind I'm in.
Oh no ... Aliens ... bioduplication
...nude conspiracies ... Oh, my God! Lyndon LaRouche was right.
Homer : I'm Mr. Burns, Blah blah blah. Do this, do that, blah blah blah. I think I'm so big. Blah blah blaaaah. Burns :
Destroy him.
Woohoo! Look at that blubber fly!
I hope I haven’t upset you…Bongohead!!!! ( Plays Mr. Burn’s head as a bongo ) Burns : Oh, I should be resisting this, but I paralyzed with rage, and island rhythms.
Ahhhhhh! Boogieman
!!!!
To shake your booty means to wiggle one's butt. Permit
me to demonstrate.
Well, you’ll be happy to know I don’t work very hard. Actually, I’m bringing the plant down from the inside.
Lisa : Dad, why are you singing? Homer’s Brain :
Tell a lie, tell a lie. Homer : Because I have a small role in a Broadway musical. It's not much, but it's a start.
Homer's Brain : Bravo!
Homer : Aw ... The Denver Broncos
!?! Marge : I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.
Homer : Yeah, yeah. Marge : Well, explain to me why it isn't. Homer : You just don't understand football, Marge.
We got a little rule back home : if it's brown drink it down, if it's black send it back.
Teacher : Now, um, I’m going to burn this donut to show how much calories it has.
Homer : Nooooo! Teacher : The bright blue flame indicates that this donut was particularly sweet. Homer : This is not happening, this is not happening.
Oh, this movie's too complicated. Hey, the floor's sticky. Who's that guy? What did that guy say when I said, "Who's that guy"
I gave my love a chicken ... it had no bone ... mmmmm ... chicken.
Homer :
Bart, he didn’t finish his spaghetti and Moeballs! Homer's
Brain : Quiet, you fool, it can be ours. Homer : (Eating) Run boy! Run! Run for you life, boy!
This ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no the duty, to make a complete ass of myself.
Homer : Conscience? Lisa, don’t let that pushy little weenie tell you what to do. Homer's Conscience : Homer, that’s a terrible thing to say. Homer : Oh
! shut up! Homer's Conscience : Yes, sir.
Homer : You know, one day, honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops. Wiggum : They are? Oh no. Have they set a date?
Kiss my curvy butt goodbye!
Eean : (Phone rings) Hello? Homer : Hello dean, you're a stupid head ... Dean :
Homer, is that you? Homer : Ahhh! (Hangs up phone)
Dear somebody-you-never-heard-of, how is so and so. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yours Truly, some bozo.
I’ve gone back to a time where dinosaurs weren’t just confined to zoos!
The doll's trying to kill me and the toaster been laughing
at me. Eww ... dog water.
D'oh! Nuts!
Just great. In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You stink! You are a senile, buck-toothed, old mummy with bony girl arms and you smell like an elephants butt.
Homer : Good old Evergreen Terrace. The swankiest street, in the classiest part of Pressboard Estates. Bart : Well, if you love it so much, why are you always littering? Homer : It's easier, duh!
I am
Evil Homer, I am Evil Homer. I am Evil Homer, I am evil Homer.
They don't call me 'Springfield Fats' just because I'm morbidly obese.
All right pie, I'm just going to do this. [chomp, chomp] And if you get eaten, it's your own fault.[chomp, chomp, chomp, bang] Ow! Owww, my ... Oh, the hell with it.
Ah, finally some quiet time to read some of my old favorites ... Honey roasted peanuts. Ingredients : Salt, Artificial Honey-Roasting Agent, Pressed Peanut Sweepings ... Mmmm
Ahhh ... the old fishing hole, so peaceful and relaxing. Doesn't even matter if I catch a single fish ... ahhh. Come on you stupid fish, take the bait! Don't make me come down there!
I used to rock and roll all night and everyday. Then it was every other day. Now I’m lucky to find a have an hour a week in which to get funky.
Dean : Now here’s an appealing fellow. In fact, they’re peeling him off the sidewalk. Homer : He he he. It's funny cause I don't know him.
Remember when I got caught stealing all those watches from Sears? Well, that’s nothing, because you have a gambling problem. And remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house because he looked like Santa Clause? Well, that’s nothing, because you have a gambling problem.
My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.
Our forecast calls for flurries of passion followed by an extended period of gettin’ it on.
Lenny : Hey Homer, what'd
ya do, get a haircut or something? Homer : Look closer, Lenny
. Lenny : Oh, I know what it is. You're the biggest man in the world now and your covered in gold. Homer : 14 Karat Gold!
Homer : Hey, what's going on? Man : I'm having a little trouble with the government. Homer : Ah, those jerks always walking over the small business man. Don't get me started about the government.
Oh, a graduate student, huh? How come
you guys can go to the moon but you can't make my shoes smell good?
I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powered gravy I found in the parking lot.
Hear ye, hear ye. The Homer Broadcasting System is on the air. All hollering, all the time.
Lisa, never EVER stop in the middle of a hoe down!
Here ye, here ye : Ye olde time choir proclaimed crappy by all. Chooseth Homer Simpson and he shall rock thy world.
Maybe it’s the beer talking, Marge, but you got a butt that won’t quit. They’ve got these chewy pretzels ...(mumbles)…five dollars? Get out of here.
Homer : Mmmmm ...
Horse douvers. Marge : Homer, you promised! Homer : I promised I wouldn’t eat? Never! You lie.
Herbert Powell : And I want to pay you $200,000 a year! Homer : And I want to let you!
Homer Mumbles fast. Marge : Homer, what is it? Slow down! Homer Mumbles slow.
Boy, am I hungry. I mean I'm really, really hungry. It's just not fair dammit!
Inanimate, huh? I'll show him inanimate!
Aw. How am I going
to tell Marge we’re broke. I need a miracle. Huh? My house is on fire! Woohoo! Insurance to the rescue!
I am invincible, invincible. You’re ... Owww!
Uh ... I’ll have four tax-burgers, one IRS-wich ... withhold the lettuce, three defendant size sodas, and a ficachino. (Whatever that is)
I tell ya. It's hard, tiring work. But when I see the smiles on their little faces ... I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.
It looks like ketchup. It tastes like ketchup. But Brother, it ain't ketchup!
This is a place for learning, not a house of ... hearing about things.
Come on Bart! Remember what Vince Lambardi said. ‘If you lose, you’re out of the family.’
You're living in a world of make believe, with flowers, and bells, and leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats ...
I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.
Lisa : Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer : Well, it's not quite a mop and it's not quite a puppet. But man, hehehehe. So, to answer your question, I don't know.
Well, if it isn't the leader of the weiner patrol, boning up on his nerd lesson!
Homer : Ok, tell you what. I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 50. Marge : Is it 37?
Homer : D'oh! ... I mean no.
You mean, on my own? I've never been on my own. Oh no ... on own, on own. I need help. Oh, God, help me! Help me God!
Marge, do you have othermen in this house ... radioactive men?
Second class. What about Social Security, bus discounts, medical alert jewelry, Gold Bond Powder, pants all the way up to your armpits. And all those other senior perks. You ask me, old folks have it pretty sweet.
Bob : Thus I submit to you: We abolish television ... permanently. Homer : Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!
Homer : There's a $10,000 bill in it for you. Barney : Oh yeah? Which president's on it? Homer : Uh...all of them. They're having a party. Jimmy Carter's passed out on the couch.
Marge, there's just too much pressure. What with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad. But I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex.
I'll figure it out. I'm going to use all the power of my brain.
Homer : (Putting on glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. Man : That's a right triangle, you idiot! Homer : D'oh!
It's the Rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes.
Homer : (Phone Rings) Hello? Man : Hello, this is the Repo-Depot. I just calling to distract you while we repossess your plow. Homer : Oh yeah? How dumb do you think I ... (Hears screaching noise of tires) Ohhh ...
Man : Homer, this is never easy to say, but we’re going to have to saw off your arms. Homer : They’ll grow back, right? Man : Oh ...
yeah. Homer : Whew.
Man : Homer, are you just holding onto the cans? Homer : Your point being?
(Dials phone) Hello, Vegas? Give me a 100 bucks on red ... D’oh!!! All right, I’ll send you a check.
You see, I got this friend named Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabba-do. Moe : That's the worst name I ever heard.
(Receiving his Clown College Diploma) Got it! No shock for me! (Runs away)
Hi, uh…let me have one of those Porno magazines, large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harpor, a couple of those panty shields, (Speaks really fast) and some illegal fireworks, and one of those disposable enemas. No, make it two.
Homer : No tongue, eh? How did he talk, and eat, and laugh, and LOVE? Lisa : He had a prosthetic tongue made out of silver. Homer : Yes, that'd do.
Burns : I will touch my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice ... Homer’s Brain : Oh oh, I don't understand a word he's saying. Why doesn't he just let me bat? I wish I was home with a big bag of potato chips. Mmmmm ... potato chips. Burns
: ... swing for the fences. Got that, Simpson? Homer : Yes, sir!
Mmmmm ... I can feel 2 kinds of softness.
Frazzles, Skittles, Whatchamacallits, Twizzlers? They all have hilarious names and are delicious.
I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see it. And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny.
(buying a TV).
Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention for a moment ... I would become a better public speaker.
You su-diddily-uck Flanders!
Did they teach you how to sing to trees and build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? Doh! Stupid poetic justice.
FBI Agent : (Tired) All right. When I step down on your foot and say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson, you smile and nod. Homer : No problem. FBI Agent : Hello Mr. Thompson (Stepping down on Homer’s foot). Homer : (Long pause) (Whispers to other FBI Agent) Psst, I think he’s talking to you.
Now, when I listen to a really good song, I start nodding my head, like I’m saying ‘yes’ to every beat. Yes, yes, yes, this rocks. And then sometimes I switch it up like "‘no, no, no, don’t stop a rockin’"
Hey, there's something you don't see in a toilet everyday.
Bart & Lisa : Dad! Homer : My goodness, what's wrong?
Bart & LisaWe both had nightmares. Can we sleep with you?
Homer : You both toilet trained? Lisa : Yeah Homer : Oh, Okay then.
Homer : Oh My GOD!! Lisa : What is it?
Homer : Tramampoline! Trabapoline!
Marge : Can we get rid of this Ayatollah tee shirt? Kohmehni died years ago. Homer :
But Marge, it works on any Ayatollah: Ayatollah Nachbudah, Ayatollah Dahadi. Even as we speak, Ayatollah Rasmarah and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power.
Oh you're a dead man Burns, oh you're dead, YOU'RE DEAD BURNS!!!
Marge : You have the right to remain silent. Homer : I choose to waive that right. BLAHRARURAH!!!!
Come family, sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm, glowing, warming glow.
Homer : What don’t they do? (Chuckles) Oh, they do so many things they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars! Lisa : You don’t know what they do there, do you? Homer : Not as such, no.
... What-up, Marge!
Teacher : Uh, my wife recently past away…I thought teaching might ease my loneliness. Homer : Will this be on the test?
Whoo hoo! Look, Marge! A couple of bucks!
Homer : The mob is working on getting your saxophone back, but we've also expanded into other important areas. Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination. Lisa : World domination? Homer : Ohhh. That may be a typo. Homer's brain : Mental note - The girl knows too much.
Lisa : Dad, don't let these application essays throw you. Let's see, list your three favorite books and how they've influenced your life. Homer : Is TV Guide a book?
Lisa : No. Homer : Son of Snigglets? Lisa : No. Homer :
Katherine Hepburn's Me? Lisa : No! Homer : Ohhh, I suck!
You know what our vacations are like. Those three little monsters in the back seat.
Bart & Lisa : Huh? Bye mom, bye dad. Homer : Bye kids. On your way back, pick up a six-pack of beer.
Marge : Have you been drinking? Homer : No! Well, ten beers.
Wait, wait a minute! When are those pancakes coming in the mail?
With my earning power, this family has nothing to worry about ... [pokes himself in the eye with a hotdog] ... Oh! please call my office and tell them I won't be coming to work tomorrow.
You can call them 'Whitey
Wackers'. ( name for Marge's pretzels ).
Marge needs help.
God knows I am not the man to provide it, but I know someone who
can.
Homer : Hey! are you from the mafia? Man : Well
... yes ... thank you for asking.
You mean to say that the mafia did something for me expecting something in return? Oh! Fat
Tony, I say Good Day to you, sir.
Marge : Homer, did you
tell the mafia to crush my competition by beating them and resorting to murder? Homer : In those words? ... Yes. I only
did what a loving husband would do. I hired some violent thugs to
help my wife.
Wait a minute! Bart's teacher's name is Krabappal? I've been calling her Krandall. Why didn't someone tell me? I've been making an idiot of myself.
Hey! does this mean Miss Krabappal is a virgin too? [Principal Seymour Skinner being a virgin].
Man : She thought that Mindy lived with Mork. [Jackie O] Homer : Her husband was killed. Give her a break.
You should come to our house. It's full of valuable worthless crap.
Marge : He prefers the company of men. Homer : Who doesn't?
Marge, Bart is wearing a Hawaiin shirt. Only two kinds of people wear that shirt ... gay guys and big fat party animals. Bart doesn't look like a big fat party animal to me.
If there was a law, it would be against it. [Homosexuality].
Homer : Because of them [gay people], all the good names like Lance and Juliet are all gone. Those were the toughest names we had. Now they are just ... ...
Man (gay) : Queer? Homer : That's another thing. You took that word too. That's the word we use to make fun of you. Now I am taking that word and my son with me.
Has the whole world
gone gay?!? [Unwittingly takes Bart to a gay steel mill].
Homer : That's it, Marge. I am taking Bart hunting. He is going to grow up straight for a change. Marge : You've never gone hunting and you grew up perfectly straight. Homer : Oh yeah? How long since you had a baby?
Come on Bart, be a sport and
shoot a reindeer.
I've been tenderized. [after being hit
by a group of reindeer].
I don't want you calling him a
sissy. He is a ... fruit ... wait wait ... queer.
Homer :
eh, I lost my map. Smithers : I've not given the maps yet.
Homer : Oh! [Homer and Burns teamed up as partners in the moutain retreat]. Homer's brain : Wait ... then he cannot fire
you. Homer : Oh! Oh!
Mr.Burns, I insist that we
cheat.
Burns : You know Simpson, you're not as objectionable as you seemed when we first met. Homer : No sir,
I am not.
Ooh! no going through the windows for us.
Burns : I am in your debt. Homer : Use it wisely, my friend.
Burns : The last three avalanches were your fault, Simpson
. Homer : So what?
Look at his eyes. He is trying to
hypnotize me, but not in the good Las Vegas way.
Ooh! a
golf shirt with my own logo on it (HI) and it smells like salmon
too.
O yeah! a dog like this should be fed EVERYDAY!
[Laddy].
This dog has more education than I do. [Laddy].
Lisa : Mom, you're mixing poly... with polyurethene!
(recycling) Homer : MARGE!!!
I know where I could find
lots of paper (for recycling). ... Brings many bound books.
Marge : Homer, you didn't tell me that Mr.Burns is in serious
financial trouble and that the power plant may be closed.
Homer : I can't remember EVERYTHING that happens at the office, Marge. Marge : You told me you found a candy bar ten times!
TV news : Look who is flat broke and is picking up trash for a living! [Montgomery Burns]. Homer : Please be Flanders ... Please be Flanders ... Please be Flanders ... Please
be Flanders ...
Homer : It's okay, Lisa, but I sure could've used that 12,000 dollars. [Homer in the hospital after a heart attack]. Lisa : Mmmm ... 10% of 120 million dollars is not 12,000 ... After some time, emergency code blue goes off.
Marge : What happened here? Homer : Oh, nothing, Marge. Just a little incident involving the Boogie Man. Of course
, none of this would've happened if you'd been here to keep me from acting stupid.
Wait, that's it! I know now what I can offer you that no one else can ... complete and utter dependence!
One size fits all, my butt!
[to the tune of Mandy] Oh, Mindy. You came and you gave without flaking but I sent you Bengay.
[reading the prepared speech for Mindy on his hand which is now smeared] Murphy, use ... you are a elf ... uncontrollably ... I think ... a we nom yo ho renge kyo.
Homer : Hey! What's the problem here? Lisa : We were fighting over which one of us loves you more. Homer : [touched] You were? Aww ... Well, go ahead.
Homer : Are you sure that's enough? You know how the boss loves your delicious gelatin desserts! Marge : Oh Homer, Mr. Burns just said he liked it ... Once. Homer : Marge, that's the only time he's ever spoke to me without using the word ... Bonehead.
Homer : Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want
you to show your father some love and/or respect. Lisa : Tough
choice. Bart : I'm picking respect.
Burns : Make yourselves at home. Bart : Hear that Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself. Homer : [angrily, he goes to strangle Bart] Now you listen to me! Burns : Trouble, Simpson? Homer : [one hand around Bart's neck] No, heh heh heh. Just congratulating the son on a fine joke about his old man.
Homer : You remember the rules from last year?
Bart : Yeah, shut my mouth and let your boss win.
Homer :
Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we
don't deserve it. I mean ... our kids are uncontrollable hellions
! Pardon my French ... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did ... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family? Marge and the kids : Amen!
Bart : Whoa! Look at this place, what a dump! Homer : It's worst than you think, heh heh heh. I just trampled this poor sap's flower bed.
Marge : Ho-mer, this is our house.
I want to be alone with my thought.
Barney : Don't blame yourself Homer. You've got
yourself a bad hand. You've got crummy little kids that nobody can control. Homer : You can't talk way about my kids! Or at least two of them.
Honey, I've given this matter a lot of study, and of all the commercials I saw, his was the best.
Homer : Now look ... You know and I know this family needs
help, professional help. So I've made us an appointment with Dr.
Marvin Monroe. Bart : The fat guy on TV? Lisa : You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on pro-wrestling Homer :
Boxing, Lisa, boxing. There's a world of difference.
Marge
: Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead Homer : I appreciate that, honey, but we need one hundred an fifty dollars here!
Oh come on Marge! ... Why skimp now on the off-chance that they'll actually get in someplace. [dipping to kids' college fund]
Homer : [presenting TV] Would you pay $150 for this Motorola? Clerk : Is it cable-ready?
Homer : As ready as she'll ever be.
Marge : Homer, you
raided the college fund, the TV ... Homer, you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you. Homer : Hey! No pain, no gain!
Receptionist : Will you be paying by cash
or check? Homer : Cash of course! I've got two hundred and fifty dollars right here with me. I'm holding it right now. Here it is, look ... check it out ... Two hundred and fifty big ones.
Bart : You really want to impress her, show her the big empty
space where our TV used to be.
Look, honey, I clipped on my tie all by myself.
Homer : Hey, look what was in here! A program from that guy's funeral. Marge : You mean Frank Grimes? Homer : Yeah! Yeah! Whatever happened to that guy?
Marge : Look at this little plastic couple. Hmm, so full of hopes, potential, dreams for the future. Homer : Hey Marge,
wouldn't it be weird if they had little parties at night? Wee little parties?
Marge : When we got married, is this how you thought we'd be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to trade in a refrigerator motor? Homer : Eh, I never thought I'd live this long.
Shh! We're trespassing! And some of these farmers have pitchforks!
Now they did say bed and breakfast, right?
If there's anything more exquisite than Queen Ann's lace, I haven't found it!
Marge
: You know, the fear of getting caught is kind of a turn-on.
Homer : There's that dirty girl I married! Come on. I have a disgusting idea.
Awww! Eskimo kiss!
I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong!
Marge : Oh, we drank so much that night! Homer : Yeah, I thought Bart would be born a dimwit! Marge : [laughs uneasily] Yeah ... Homer : Well, this time I'm drunk on love ... and beer.
Homer : I'm okay,
honey. Now listen very carefully. I want you to pull on the thing, that's near the other thing. Marge: You mean this thing
?
Marge : Kids, I want to explain about the stadium. You see, sometimes, Moms and Dads get a little accustomed to each other. Homer : Dads especially. Marge : So they need to explore new ways to express their love. Homer : Scary ways. But we never intended it to end like that. With thousands of people staring at our naked bodies.
Marge, What Was Your Gambling Losses Last Year?
I'm All Man In Case You Heard Otherwise.
Happy Birthday Boy or Girl!
She's A Heifer
, Plain And Simple!
It's A Party Marge, It Doesn't Have To Make Sense.
We're Movin' On Up ... To The East Side!
I Think I Hear My Wife Calling.
And I Ate The Mess He Left On My Rug.
Don't worry. I've brought my rap-and-run Ronny tape ... [plays the tape] ... hehehe he does say 'well' a lot.
Oh! I hope 'plunging' means 'up' and '75' means '200'.
[stock market and a nervous homer].
Call me when you get a
karaoke machine. [after 'pulling the plug' on Grampa Love-Matic at Moe's]
Homer : Marge, you told me we are going to have a
ghost on the show. Marge : I said we are going to have a
GUEST on our show. ['The Simpsons' variety show].
I am
sorry if you heard 'disney world'. I strictly said 'Military School'.
If this doesn't work out, whould we still pay for
the whole semester? [Bart in military school].
Oh ... Yeah
... I've always said the boy could use more ... confidence. [Bart
after military school].
I'd rather drink a beer than be
the father of the year. [nanny Sherry Bobbins musical].
Marge : But he is locked up. Homer : In a medium security prison. [quieting a scared Bart about Sideshow Bob's revenge].
Marge : Bart, you can't ask God to kill Sideshow Bob.
Homer : Yeah! You do your own dirty work. [to a praying Bart].
Awww! This is St.Patrick's Day and I am not drunk yet.
[waiting at Moe's].
Bart : I'll go to Moe's for a couple of
of beers. Homer : I'll go with you.
Prohibition ... Psst ... They tried that in the movies and it didn't work.
Prohibition seems to be a good thing. People drank more and had a
lot more fun. [reading the newspaper about past prohibition].
Marge : Why so many bowling balls? Homer : I am not going to lie to you, Marge. ... ... ... Well, good bye.
That's it
boy, the REAL money is in bootlegging.
Suck like a fox ...
hehehe
Homer : Kids, everything is going to be okay. We are going to live under the sea. Marge : Homer, we cannot live
under the sea. Homer : Not with THAT attitude.
Oh, used grease is worth money eh? Then my arteries are filled with liquid gold!
Okay it's the standard Grandpa Drill, everyone
into the celler!
Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know
that so called 'Volunteers' don't even get paid?!?
The human wang is a beautiful thing.
Stupid traumatic childhood
.
Your mother is obviously very stressed at the moment, so we'll let her clear away the dinner in peace.
Lisa, I can't
imagine anyone be more likeable than you. But apparently, this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every
way.
Homer : If I want to find Flanders, I have to think like Flanders. Homer's brain : I'm a four-eyed lamo and I wear
the same stupid green sweater every day. Homer : To the Springfield lake.
Flanders : You know, this may sound just a teensy bit insane in the ol' membrane, Homer, but I was wondering if you could show me how to have some fun. Homer : Well, well, well. So flawless Flanders needs help from Stinky
pants Simpson. Flanders : Yeah, I-I guess I do. Homer : Welly, welly, welly. Mr. Clean wants to hang with Dirty Dingus McGee. Flanders : How 'bout it Homer? Will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life? Homer : Wellity, wellity, wellity ... Flanders : Stop that! Will you help me or
not? Homer : Let's do it.
(Homer is sitting at the dinner table in a burglar's outfit and keeps glancing at the clock - to help Moe in his insurance scam). Marge : Why all black? Homer : Why all the pearls, why the hair, why everything? Lisa : You look a little nervous, Dad. Homer :
No you look a little nervous Lisa. Bart : You're up to something aren't you. Homer : No I'm just going to commit certain deeds. [Homer gets up and walks out] : Suckers.
Captain Tennille : Oh, Simpson, you're like the son I never had. Homer : And you're like the father I never visit.
Marge : Homer, that crazy lady who lives in the trash attacked me again. Homer : That's not the way she tells it.
Homer
: You signed my name? I feel so violated. Marge : You've signed my name lots of times. Homer : But this isn't like a loan application or a mortgage, you signed away my dignity.
Carl : Please can I have your autograph. Homer : Sure, what's your name? Carl : We've worked together for ten years ... it's Carl. [Homer sharing his name with a cool TV cop].
Homer : All right son, we're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our heads in prayer ... Dear Lord, I
know you must be busy seen as you can watch women change and all, but if you help us steal this grease, I promise we'll donate
half the money to charity. Bart : He's not stupid. Homer :
All right, screw it, lets roll.
This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's comet collided with the moon.
Oh baby, we've got him now! There's no escape from the airport.
Homer : Look Lisa, I got 2nd prize. Lisa : You won 2nd prize? Homer : No, but I got it. [Homer walks out, but comes in a few seconds later]. Stealing is wrong.
Moe : Your husband was DOA. Marge : Homer is dead?!? Moe : I mean DWI. I always mix those two up.
Abe Simpson : Homer you’re dumber than a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it.
Lisa : C'mon mum it's allowance day pay us. Bart : Yeah mum Bart and Lisa : Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, Homer : Oooh! ice-cream man!
Stop the plane, you don't understand, I don't even believe in Jebus. [bangs window and shouts] ... Save me Jebus.
Marge : Of all the terrible things you've done in life, this is the worst, the most despicable. Homer : But Marge, I swear to you-I never thought you'd find out. [Homer getting a gun].
Bart : Dad, why aren't you talking? Where's
our motorboat? Homer : I didn't like it, the mast had termites. Lisa : Why would a motorboat have termites. Homer : Because. The thingy was ... ... Shut up!
Marge : I'm not going to the bathroom in the backyard. Homer : Pfft. Sor-ree your majesty.
Bart : Whoa, God is so in your face. Homer : Yeah, he's my favorite fictional character.
(Homer singing) There was a little Spanish flea, a record star he thought he'd be. He'd heard or singers like Beatles, the Chipmunks he'd seen on TV. Why not a little Spanish flea.
Ned Flanders : Sure they're not perfect, but the Lord says love thy neighbour. Homer : Shut-up Flanders! Ned Flanders : Okilly-dokilly-do.
School Principal : Lisa, if I have 5 apples and I give 3 apples away, how many apples will I have left? Lisa : 2 apples. Homer : Wait a minute. [calculates using his fingers]. ... She is RIGHT!!!
Name one successful person who has lived without an air conditioner.
Brilliant!
... I have no idea what's going on. [A man and a pink horse are dancing on TV].
Forget it, I am not going to spend a whole day in the museum ... unless they have foozball.
Bart : So that's how Lisa got her saxaphone.
Homer : Yes and next time I'll tell you the origin of Maggi's pacifier.
Marge : What origin? We got it for a dollar ninty five at a stroe.
HOMER SAYS
