Letter
to the Boss
After much nagging from my
wife, I decided to go ahead and toss this one
out, as well:
The following was originally written as a letter to a former supervisor upon
learning that he and his family had planned a vacation to the Colorado
Rockies. (Yes, my advice WAS solicited!)
Dear Boss:
Congratulations on having chosen the Colorado Rocky Mountains as your
vacation spot this year! As you may know, even though I live in Kansas, I
have spent a great deal of time in the Rockies. In fact, due in large part
to inaccurate maps, faulty compasses and the mysterious geologic forces
which strive to constantly re-arrange other wise familiar landmarks - I have
probably spent more time in the Colorado back country than most members of
the search and rescue team. At any rate, I am convinced that you, yourself
could not have chosen a better destination.
I must admit that I am honored that you have come to me for advice on the
subject of camping in the Rockies and commend you on your excellent
judgement. Naturally, over the years, I have acquired an almost encyclopedic
knowledge on this subject and you may believe me when I say that I have
forgotten more than you know.
From the time of Zebulon Pike to present there have been literally thousands
of books and articles authored on the subject of camping and living in the
mountains. So many so that my wife jokingly inquired as to why anyone over
the age of eight who owns a library card or has internet access would
willingly come to me for advice. I politely informed her that I, for one,
could understand your wanting to learn things that only a real expert like
myself would know!
With that in mind, Boss, I have decided not to fill your brain with
information easily obtained from other sources. Instead, I have enclosed the
following list of things you should NOT do while you are in the mountains. I
know you should not do these things, because unfortunately, I have done them
all at some point in the past. Needless to say, the results have ranged from
just thoroughly embarrassing to damn near disastrous!
Good Luck Boss! May you learn at least as much from my "adventures"
as I
have...
Things you should NOT do in the Mountains
1. Do not wrap an egg in clay and place it the campfire to cook.
2.Do not try to start a campfire using only a mouthful of brandy and a Zippo
lighter.
3.No matter how cute and cuddly it may look - Do not try to pet a baby
porcupine.
4.Never try to kill a skunk with a banjo!
5.Never try to bluff an elk!
6.Never try to cross a stream on any log, which is more than ten feet above
the water - Especially if the water is less than three feet deep!
7.Never leave your clothes more than a mile from where you are actually
"skinny-dipping."
8.NEVER allow yourself to be convinced that riding a plastic toboggan down a
two thousand foot snowmass and into a mountain lake would be "a really
neat
thing to do!"
9.Do not sneak up on your camp partner and "woof" like a grizzly -
Especially if they are holding a cast iron skillet or a fly rod.
10.Do not throw rocks or pinecones at your camp partner when they in the
bushes answering the call of nature - Especially if they are bigger and
meaner than you are.
11.Do not throw rocks or pinecones at any stump that looks like a sleeping
bear.
12.If you must climb a tree to escape from a bear (which turned out NOT to
be a stump after all), do NOT disturb anything which looks like a yellow
jacket nest until AFTER you are past it.
And finally - Even if the yellow jackets choose to go after the bear and
leave you with only a few stings - DO NOT JUMP UP AND DOWN, CLAP YOUR HANDS
AND LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY WHILE STANDING IN THE UPPERMOST BRANCHES OF A PINE
TREE!!!
...The Kansan...
This was written a few years back and is dedicated to my father. I hope you
folks enjoy it, as it'll prob'ly be the last one I post for awhile -
Interest in my writing seems to've dropped off fairly sharply...
At any rate, as I mentioned earlier, this is dedicated to the man who taught
me how to hunt, fish, write poetry and, above all else, smile - even when it
hurts...
My First True Love
Well I reckon I knowed her before I could even talk -
She always was a friend.
Mom said she was a bitch, but 'course
I wasn't worldly enough to know what a bitch was back then.
I just knew I loved her with all my heart.
There was never any doubt -
She'd look at me with them big brown eyes
And I'd just let my feelings out.
Dad and my big brothers loved her too,
I guess for different reasons than I did -
I 'member how they'd take her out in the woods behind the house,
When I was just a kid.
'They'd tell me, "You're not big enough."
And I'd have to stay behind again.
Then, in a couple hours, she'd come back exhausted.
And they'd come back and grin!
Dad said, "Mom, she's turnin' our boys into men,
She really laid 'em down!
Even taught me some things I didn't know..."
And I'd just stand and frown!
I didn't know what he was talkin' about,
Or why my brothers now was men.
I was feelin' all left out, then she came and kissed me,
And made me feel like I was part of things again.
This went on for several years, till finally Dad said,
"You're big enough to tag along" one day.
And I got to watch the greatest hunting dog that ever lived.
Her name was Ellie Mae.
She wasn't much to look at, small and slick haired,
And black and brown with a little white.
'Course she had them big brown eyes,
But tryin' as I might,
I can't think of any one particular breed she was,
Or from where her bloodline came.
But she had the poise and grace of a high bred pointer
And a nose that'd make a blood hound flush with shame.
She was just that good, though as far huntin' goes,
I don't reckon she ever had any formal kind of trainin'.
But she loved my dad and she loved to hunt,
And didn't care if it was snowin' or a rainin'.
'Course growin' up in Kansas, you never knew
If it'd be rainin' or blowin' snow -
I 'member times we'd go out huntin' the snow was high,
And the temperature sure was low!
But Ellie just loved it! She loved huntin' rabbit and squirrel and pheasant
and quail
And, well I guess 'bout every other kind of critter.
Then we'd come home and dress 'em out,
And she'd go and nurse her latest litter.
That was something else she was good at -
Seems like she could always make the boy dogs smile.
'Course most of her pups we gave away,
But there were some we kept a while.
But they were never quite as good as Elli Mae.
She just always was the best;
I 'member one time when Dad shot a squirrel,
Just before it reached its nest.
We was huntin' cross the river from the end of First Street,
East of my hometown.
The river was up and runnin' hard,
And the snow was comin' down.
And, well, the squirrel landed in the water -
Started floatin' around the bend.
'Course it was too swift and deep and cold to wade,
But Ellie dove right in!
We just stood there in amazement! She'd never done anything like this
before,
But watchin' her sure was neat!
She retrieved it, climbed the bank and looked up at Dad
Then laid the squirrel at his feet.
Then she wagged her tail and gave a yip
Just as clear as I'm tellin' this to you -
She said, "Come on Old Man, pick the damn thing up and reload!
We got more huntin' left to do!
...Well, I reckon there's prob'ly a thousand other stories...
But there's no need to tell the rest.
She loved my dad and she loved to hunt,
And she just always gave her best.
She's been gone... it'll be 29 years in the fall of '01
And I'll still never forget that day -
I was in sixth grade and I went out one morning to feed her
And found that Ellie had passed away!
And I went runnin', bawlin' back inside
To tell my dad his huntin' dog was dead!
And he went out and called her name - then stroked her fur
As he sadly shook his head.
And, well I ain't sure, but I thought I seen a tear
In the corner of his eye...
'Course I was standin' there snifflin'... And he hugged me,
Told me, "Go ahead and cry."
She was the first creature I ever remember knowin' how to love
And the best present a kid ever got on his very first birthday...
She was the greatest huntin' dog I've ever known,
And her name was Ellie Mae...
Don Jus'Me McCrary (AKA the Kansan)
Dec,1996
