Stupid like a fox...

[Clear throat.]* You’ll have to bear with me: I wrote this on a cocktail napkin at four o’clock this morning while discussing Wittgensteinian dialectic formulations and eating mustard packets with Winston Churchill’s disembodied head - and then I had to blow my nose.

Bourgeois and proletariat comrades alike . . . I, Matthew Holm, am running for the office of Treasurer, or what I have affectionately renamed "Commissar of the People’s Bureau for Wealth Redistribution," since I am always the banker in Monopoly™. Now, as we all know, Victorian libidinal suppression directly precipitated the First World War, and subsequently, I propose a stringent Malthusian campaign of population quotas. There is a direct correlation between the demise of Communism and the rise of the contention that all geniuses are sexual deviants; Coincidence? Hardly.

I propose numerous new methods of appropriating income. There’s this guy I know, Pablo Carlos y Ortega ... something or other, in the city, and he knows this other guy who can get us some [Feel free to interpolate a defiant "I will not be seated! (Or silenced)!" at will.] optimum connections to the Colombian cocaine cartel. If we could only get some volunteers, we could begin harvesting human organs for sale on the Chinese black market. I hear there is quite an exorbitant price on Yeltsin’s head in the bounty hunting division of the Russian Mafia ... we could round up look-alikes for extradition. There is money to be had in the multitude of Nazi gold in Swiss bank accounts. If you’ll kindly turn your attention to this detailed map [point with laser pen]. We could enter here, turn left here, ask for directions here ... and they don’t even have an army! [Wait patiently for applause]. Also, it is an historically verified fact that the production of phony wars is an exceptional method of subsidizing appropriations. I plan to employ financial "strategery" to siphon funds into a "lock box" [At this point, do quotation thingy and lean in extremely close to microphone.]

At this point I should be going into a delightful musical montage in which I try on numerous ensembles to the tune of Petula Clark’s "Downtown™." But [Fumble in pockets with look of despair and panic.] I seem to have misplaced pages two through nine!