Hi, my name is Tammy. I am 31 years old and expecting my second and last child. I am married to a wonderful man, named Jeff, who has a 12-year-old son, Max, from his first marriage. Our son, Garrett, will be turning 3 in January 2007. In March of 2006 we found out that we were pregnant and were thrilled to be adding to the family at Christmas of 2006. Sadly, our baby boy had a severe neural tube defect, anencephaly. We lost him in June at almost 15 weeks pregnant. Losing my son is something that I don’t think I will ever recover from completely, but Jeff and I continued on to fulfill our original goal of a healthy addition to the family. Little did I know that having a healthy baby within a healthy pregnancy would still elude me. The following are excerpts from my journal during this very long, difficult, and frightening pregnancy that we are hoping will hold a happy ending for us.

October 8, 2006 - (3w 2d) Today that beautiful word “pregnant” showed up on my home pregnancy test. I can’t believe how quickly I got pregnant. This is our first month trying since our loss in June. I am so blessed and so excited.

October 19, 2006 - (4w 6d) I am crushed. Last night I began spotting and today I have cramping with bleeding and clots. I am sure that I am miscarrying. I can’t believe that this is happening. I am praying so hard that everything will somehow turn out okay.

October 24, 2006 - (5w 4d) There is a HEARTBEAT!!! I can’t believe it! The cramping and bleeding had stopped so my OB ran an HCG level on Friday and then repeated it on Monday fully expecting the level to have dropped, but it doubled! They had me come in for an u/s (#1) to see what was going on in there and there was a heartbeat of 98! They said that the heart had probably just started beating with in the last 24 hours. I am elated. They also found a small subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH) and they want to watch it very closely, as it can cause major problems. My ob has placed me on heavy activity restrictions. Prayers, prayers, prayers, that this little one is a strong one. My chance of miscarriage is very high right now. To have bled so early in the pregnancy is not a good sign. I am trying hard to remain positive.

October 30, 2006 - (6w 5d) We had an u/s (#2) today. Heartbeat was 127 and the SCH was not visible!!! The baby has now measured two days ahead for two u/s in a row so they changed my due date to 6-20-07. Some of my activity restrictions were lifted.

November 8, 2006 - (8w) Last night I began cramping and bleeding again. This time much worse than the first time around. I called the OB on call expecting him to say that I was probably miscarrying, but he thought that it was more likely the SCH returning. I went in today for an u/s (#3) and the heartbeat was 140. The worse part was the finding of a MASSIVE SCH. Very large and encompassing 100% of the uterus. There is no placenta attached to the uterine wall. My OB said that this is not a viable pregnancy and to go home, rest, and wait to miscarry. I have been placed on strict bedrest.

November 11, 2006 - (8w 3d) I had another bleeding episode today, however, this one had no cramping and no clots. I just began gushing bright red blood. I lost an estimated 1 ½ liters in approximately 15 minutes. My husband rushed me to the ER. They did another u/s (#4). The baby is still there with a heart rate of 168. The SCH is still encompassing the whole uterus and again it was stressed to me that this pregnancy would probably not continue. My OB discussed with me then for the first time about the possibility of needing to terminate the pregnancy to stop all of the bleeding. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How is it possible that I would be forced to suffer the loss of a second child in 6 months? I was sent home to rest and await the inevitable.

November 14, 2006 - (8w6d) Another bleeding episode last night. This one only about a ½ liter. Although I have not had any red blood for the last 3 days I have had very dark thick old blood constantly. I saw my OB again today and had yet another u/s (#5). Baby still doing okay with a heart rate 177. SCH still large, looming, and completely circling the baby. I was told today that I may not miscarry until 11-12 weeks when the baby will need to switch from the yolk sac to the placenta for nutrition. If I won’t terminate the pregnancy, then I will have to wait for nature to take its course and the baby to die naturally at that time. Termination is NOT an option. Not for me at least. I will wait.

November 21, 2006 - (9w 6d) Well, I have had no new bleeding, but the old blood is a constant. It is amazing how it just keeps coming. It never stops. I had another u/s (#6) which showed a gorgeous little bean flipping all around with a fabulous heart beat and that god-awful huge sch. Although, the hematoma did show some striations that they say means it is starting to clot. While the docs are still sure that the baby will not survive this insult, I become more hopeful and positive everyday. Both this baby and I are fighters. We can make it, I just know it.

November 27, 2006 - (10w 5d) This weekend was AWFUL. I had the most horrible cramps that I have ever had, and then about 12 hours later, the bleeding kicked in with large clots. I laid in bed and cried knowing that this was what I had been waiting for. I was losing the baby and I was so damn mad that I could do nothing about it. Then, I went in today for another u/s (#7) and a miracle has happened. The placenta has pushed its way through that horrid SCH and is completely attached. The SCH is about 1/3 the size it was a week ago and we could clearly see both hemispheres of the brain therefore ruling out anencephaly (my angel’s diagnosis). Heart rate is an awesome 168!!! While we still have a very long way to go, today was a great day and a huge step in the right direction. I knew this baby was a fighter.

November 29, 2006 - (11w) I got my doppler in the mail today. It is the best money that I have ever spent by far. That lub-dub is music to my ears!

December 13, 2006 - (13w) Second Trimester!!!! Yea! This is such a huge milestone for me since 5 weeks ago they told me I would never get this far. It has been 17 wonderful days since I have had any bleeding.

December 20, 2006 - (14w) On Dec. 18th, at 10:15 p.m., after 23 days of no bleeding, I began bleeding again...massively. The blood was pouring from me non-stop for 25 minutes when I made a break for the phone with a towel between my legs. I barely made it back to the bathroom with the cordless before the blood soaked through the towel and began running onto the floor. As a nurse, I knew that at this rate I could quickly bleed to death. My husband (who happens to work on an ambulance) was at work. I dialed his number and was barely able to tell him what was going on before the room started to swim. I told him I was going to pass out and to get home. That is the last thing I remember until he was standing above me. I was lying passed out on the bathroom floor covered in blood and still bleeding. He was unable to sit me up without me passing out and he knew that he was not going to be able to get me in the car and to the hospital on his own. Due to city limits, the ambulance that my husband works on could not transport me to the hospital so with one ambulance in my driveway that my husband drove to our house, another ambulance was called to get me to the hospital. Once there they did another u/s (#8). Baby looked good. SCH still large but not really any different than before. The bleeding had slowed, but my blood levels were really low so I was admitted and received two units of blood. My estimated blood loss was 3 liters. They did one more u/s (#9) before they gave me the blood. Again, baby looked good and no change with the SCH. My OB brought up terminating the pregnancy again. He said that it was not feasible for me to be transfused regularly throughout this pregnancy. He wanted us to think about it. I refuse to even entertain the idea. So far this baby is seemingly healthy. I will not end his/her life to make mine easier. They have already told me that my life is not in danger. I can handle the blood loss. The baby cannot. I was discharged this morning in time to go to a perinatologist appt. that we had scheduled a couple weeks before. Now, more than ever my OB wanted me seen by them. At the peri’s office they did yet another u/s (#10). While they said the SCH is big, they had seen worse. Glad to know that I wasn’t alone in this misery. The baby looks perfect in every way and the estimated weight is 4 oz. They stuck me on a strict regimen of Motrin to stop all uterine cramping. They also do not believe that I am at the point of discussing termination. I have only had two units of blood. They said we would discuss that if we reached 30+ units. They sent me home on strict bedrest. I just can’t believe that all of this is happening. This is just way too much drama for one person. What I would give to be normal. I had hoped that this Christmas would be one that I was able to enjoy more. In addition to the turmoil of this pregnancy, my mom, who is one of my best friends, has been in the hospital for nearly 5 months now. She is suffering from a rare auto-immune disease, Guillian-Barre. She is currently almost completely paralyzed and is unable to hold a phone for me to call her. With me on bedrest I am unable to drive to see her. I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving and it has made all of this even worse.

January 2, 2007 - (15w 6d) I have had no new bleeding. WHEW! But again, the old blood practically pours from me. They keep telling me that old is good. I should have bought stock in feminine hygiene products. I have bought more during this pregnancy than I have my entire menstruating life. I had another level II u/s today (#11). The baby looks GREAT! Nothing abnormal with the baby at all. Just abnormal with me. The SCH is no smaller, but appears to be clotting. After today I will be an official patient of the perinatologist. My OB no longer feels comfortable taking care of me on his own. I feel confident that they will take great care of me and the baby. They are also letting me go back to work one shift a week on light duty. Yeah! An income! On a down note: The blood that I was given in the hospital was not CMV negative. Normally this would be no problem, however since I am pregnant, if I would contract CMV it could cause major birth defects. Just one more thing to worry about. I have been tested and I am not immune to CMV, which is odd since I take care of patients with CMV regularly. Routine exposure should immunize me against it. Lucky me it did not. I now have to have blood drawn every 10 days to test for the disease.

January 5, 2007 - (16w 2d) More bleeding, but this time it was fairly insignificant compared to my normal episodes. It has been 18 days since my major bleed that sent me to the hospital. Baby’s heart rate is great (I listen constantly with the doppler) and I have started to feel movement too!

January 18, 2007 - (18w 1d) Blood, again. Only 13 days has gone by since my last bleed. At least it was on the smaller side like the last one was. I had a detailed u/s (#12) of the SCH with just a quick peek at the baby today. This was where I got the “talk” from the perinatologist. They are giving us a 50% chance of bringing home a baby. While this saddens me that the chance is still so low, I am trying to think positively. 10 weeks ago it was a 0% chance. My miscarriage chance is extremely high due to how early in the pregnancy I began bleeding and that I am still bleeding. The chance of the placenta separating from the uterine wall is high. Also, everyday that the SCH is still there my chance of preterm labor and premature rupture of membranes goes up. The third problem is a major one according to the docs. They know that the bleeding is coming from my placenta, but they have no way of telling how much of my placenta was affected by the bleeding. The affected part of the placenta is not functioning and will not ever function. The only way to tell is by the growth of the baby. As the baby gets bigger more of the placenta will be required to nourish the baby. If the baby stops growing we know that we have reached the max potential of the placenta and they have to take the baby no matter what stage in the pregnancy I am. I absolutely must make it past 24 weeks for the baby to have a chance of survival outside of me. So my countdown begins. 41 days until 24 weeks. I will be having growth scans of the baby every 3 weeks to make sure the baby is still growing. They have also placed me on a prescription anti-contraction med to pair with the Motrin. I have a lot of contractions. They are letting me go to two shifts a week on desk duty and I am now allowed to drive myself there. They want me to take it very easy but as the stress of no income is taking its toll, they believe the pros outweigh the cons. It seems like this will never end. I pray constantly that God will let me have this beautiful little one.

January 31, 2007 - (20w) All good news to report today. At the growth scan u/s (#13) the baby measured 10 days ahead with an estimated weight of 15 oz. The SCH is still large, but much smaller than at the last scan. It has split into two pockets now, but over all it is smaller than before. I have also not had to take hardly any anti-contraction meds for the past week. It has been 13 days since I have had any bleeding. I have now tested negative for CMV 3 blood draws in a row. I have been cleared of the possibility of contracting it. It has been such a good day. Only 28 days until 24 weeks!

February 6, 2007 - (20w 6d) More bleeding. Not a huge one, but just enough for me to wonder if this is EVER going to stop. How much blood can a person lose? 22 days until 24 weeks. I can make it, right?

February 22, 2007 - (23w 1d) Well, I have had another growth u/s (#14). Baby measured 1 week ahead with an estimated weight of 1 lb. 9 oz. And more good news...the smaller of the two hematomas is 25% smaller and almost completely clotted and the HUGE one that was above my cervix is undetectable! I can’t believe it. I am almost normal. And with only 6 days until 24 weeks I am on cloud nine. They want the baby to hang in there until 39 weeks and then they will take me by scheduled c-section. 16 weeks to go. I can do it! I bled a little yesterday, but almost not even enough to mention.

February 28, 2007 - (24w) 24 WEEKS!!!! We made it!!!!

March 12, 2007 - (25w 5d) Well, I just left labor and delivery. I felt horrible all weekend with a little stomach something. Ihad zero appetite and was completely exhausted. My contractions were one on top of the other and weren’t stopping with my meds and along with that I began bleeding again. Before this bleed, I actually was able to not wear any pads/panty liners for 4 days!!! That is a record. When I called the peri on call they had me come in to be monitored. They were able to get my contractions to slow by getting me rehydrated and giving me a couple extra doses of meds. Along with not eating this weekend, I wasn’t really drinking either. Then they checked my cervix, which was closed, and did some tests to see if my membranes had ruptured – negative. WHEW! They also did a quick u/s (#15). All looked really good and they couldn’t even tell where the bleeding was coming from. They said that was good news. My contractions were not even registering on the monitor so they sent me home with instructions to rest and drink lots of water. Thank goodness this baby is not ready to come. I know we are past the 24 week mark, but I would like for him/her to cook a little longer. By the way, we aren’t finding out the sex until the grand entrance!!!

March 15, 2007 - (26w 1d) 3rd TRIMESTER!!! I cannot believe that I have made it here. It has been such a long and rocky road. I am on my knees tonight thanking God for his help getting here. I had another growth u/s (#16) today. Baby is measuring 10 days ahead and weighing an estimated whopping 2 lb. 10 oz!!! GROW, BABY, GROW!!! Everything continues to look perfect with the baby and now there is no hematoma detectable at all. They measured my cervix and it is 5.3 cm long. They said that my cervix has no chance of dilating soon. Thank God! My contractions are back to what I am used to and manageable with my meds. I am taking it easier too. Things could not have gone better today.

March 17, 2007 - (26w 3d) I have had some bleeding today which I don’t understand since there is no hematoma anymore. It was a small amount of blood and the baby is still moving around like crazy, so I am trying not to worry too much. I still have my doppler and it is so comforting to hear that quick little heartbeat. I may just have to get used to the idea that I will bleed until I deliver. I had hoped it would be different, but I will put up with it as long as the baby is okay.

March 21, 2007 - (27w) I awoke in the middle of the night to find myself bleeding again. While it is heavier than the last couple bleeds, it is no where even close to some of the "mothergushers" that I have had. The baby is moving and my doppler reveals a beautiful heartbeat in the 140's. The contractions that usually follow a bleed have not today. I do not know if that is good or bad, that hasn't happened before. I do not understand where this blood is coming from with my hematomas being healed. I wonder if I will get to enjoy any of this pregnancy and be able to daydream about what is to come or if I will be wrought with worry until the day I deliver. I guess only time will tell. Only 12 weeks to go until 39w when they will take the baby.

April 3, 2007- (28w 6d) I had another growth u/s today (#17). The baby is measuring a consistent 10 days ahead and now the weight is estimated at 3lbs 11oz. Again, there is NO SCH visible. Yeah!!! It has been 13 days since any red blood and the old blood has actually stopped too. Could it be that I have bled for the last time this pregnancy? I dare to hope that I have. The baby’s stomach is measuring an unbelievable 4 weeks ahead. I am going to have a nice, plump little one to take home. In 3 weeks I have my final office visit with the peri and then I get to go back to my OB for the rest of this pregnancy since the gestational age of the baby will no longer require the higher level NICU at the peri’s. We are stopping the growth scans as well. They believe that since the baby has measured so well for all of the scans that just keeping an eye on fundal height will alert them to the baby’s growth. I can’t believe that I am so close to being a “normal” patient. Contractions are better and my med use is slowing. My platelets are low from trying to clot all of that blood so I am going back for more blood work. I hope for that to be better as well at my next visit. Only 10 more weeks!!!

April 14, 2007- (30w 3d) It has been 24 days since I have had any bleeding. It is officially the longest that I have gone without a bleeding episode. Right before Christmas, I went 23 days, but then ended up in the hospital with a blood transfusion because of how much I bled. I also have not had any old blood for two weeks. I am praying that the bleeding is over and that the last of my pregnancy can be somewhat normal. I am hoping to schedule my c-section at the next appointment. Only 8.5 weeks left!!!

April 24, 2007- ( 31w 6d) Today I had my last appointment with the perinatologists. I am 32w tomorrow and will be heading back to my regular OB this week. It feels weird that I may actually be a “normal” pregnant patient from here on out. The bleeding has not returned (34 days now) and the old blood has stopped as well. The baby dropped this weekend and I have not been feeling so great, so I was afraid that I was going to go into labor soon, but at my appointment today I am only 25% effaced and completely closed. The baby is way down in my pelvis, but not yet engaged. Something tells me that the baby will be here early. I just hope that he/she stays put a little while longer. It is so hard to believe that we have come as far as we have. The little one would be just fine if born this second and it continually runs through my mind that not so long ago we had a countdown to 24 weeks just so the baby would have a chance, no matter how slim. Here I sit at 32 weeks and cannot believe that this baby has persevered through all of this. What a miracle this baby is.

April 25, 2007- (32w) Last night I had regular contractions for several hours and was able to stop them by taking a double dose of my meds and then this morning I lost my mucus plug. It appears as though this baby is going to come whenever he/she wants and not on anyone else’s timetable.

April 27, 2007- (32w 2d) At 3:48 a.m. today, my precious Reece Lillian made her way into this world by c-section. My water broke yesterday morning and they were unable to stop the contractions. I had a c-section since I had one with my son and because they were afraid that labor and pushing might cause my placenta to completely abrupt. We were taking NO chances. My spinal anesthetic did not work so they knocked me completely out and I awoke to the news that I had a beautiful baby girl weighing in at 4 pounds 9 ounces and 17 ½ inches long. She is in the NICU, but doing wonderful. She has not needed any oxygen and is breathing perfectly. They are estimating a 3-4 week stay. She is so perfect in every way. It is so hard to believe that she is still supposed to be inside for another 8 weeks. We are so blessed to have this miracle.

May 22, 2007- ( 25 days old) Reece has come home today. It has been an extremely long road to get here, but we made it. I am so thankful for everything that I have and will never again take motherhood for granted. I cannot wait to see all the wonderful things that my children have to teach me about life and happiness. I am an open book waiting for them to fill the pages. From here, life looks pretty wonderful.

~ Tammy