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My Rants


September 23, 2002

Always there: a caring soul with a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. An unbiased outlook on situations that trouble their ‘patients.’ A bit of advice that perhaps has been repeated since the dawn of time, always seems to fit the situation, or perhaps it’s just the sound of a familiar voice. Or perhaps it’s the familiar typings. This is what is expected of us so-called ‘psychiatrist’ people. It wasn’t a position I had wanted or asked for, but I accept it because it helps others. I can’t even begin to explain the great feeling of lifting another’s spirit, helping them through their struggles. It makes me feel good to know that others are happy. Perhaps I’m a good ‘psychiatrist’ because I tend to listen more than to speak, or perhaps its because my character is almost a philosophical type. I have no idea where these words come from, but they are there and they help.

But what about the psychiatrist? Who do they go to? Lately, school has been pressing hard on me… and its only the first month. Numerous times I’ve dreaded going to school, dreaded facing the day. And those who know me, they know I’m usually in a good mood, happy, and optimistic. They still see me that way even though inside I am struggling to keep this ‘face’ up. I like to be happy and optimistic, who doesn’t? No worries about the severity of this. I have all the intentions of keeping up with all that I do… its just that I wonder if I can do it well. And sometimes I wonder if I even should be a scientist… it’s a lot of work. I spent 6 hours on one Physics homework. One full hour on one problem. Physics is not my only class, I have Calculus II which I am falling behind in somewhat, Atmospheric Science (basically another Physics course), a Humanities course on Homer’s Iliad and Odessey and three bands. Yes, three bands may be a little extreme for my situation, but I don’t believe they are my problems… In fact, they are my, shall I say, salvation. Its what keeps me going, what gives me my energy, my pride. I have no idea what I’d do without it. It is my outlet for stress and anger. It is the only way I know how to express these. Seriously, I can’t express it to another person. I can’t tell my problems to the psychiatrist because I’m always the psychiatrist (I’m not complaining about it). I suppose that’s why I’m writing this rant. To explain a few things that I can’t express. I’m not a conversationalist, I’ll admit that. My shyness and goodness knows what else keeps me from saying anything. I have no trouble talking about stuff I like (ie band and weather), but when it comes to what I’m feeling or what’s troubling me… I can’t or don’t. When things trouble me, I keep them quiet. I’m not really sure why, but I do. Perhaps its because I don’t want to trouble others. That would defeat the purpose of making others happy. Yes I know all the sayings, but that doesn’t seem to do any good to me. I don’t know really… Why I think and react the way I do isn’t always clear to even me. In many ways Irene and I are a like. She is secretive in many ways, the same as I. Our emotions are locked inside in order to stay strong for others. However she speaks more than I do about things. Yes, it may seem that I talk a lot by how much I type in chats or things like this ( J ), but in real life I really don’t talk a lot when I’m in a group of people. I’d rather sit back and listen, and if I have something to say, the group usually has moved onto another topic before I get the chance to speak. But this is a totally different rant altogether.

I’m not sure how much I made clear in this thing. I may never post it or share it, though I have planned on it. I do a lot of planning on what to say and then never do. I set my mind on telling someone something, and then I never get the chance. Its only when they bring it up that I can explain, at least a little, of where I come from. As you probably can tell, it really was a bad week. I’m a 4.0 student who has gotten C’s on three major tests. So maybe this isn’t bad for some, but to me it is. I know it shouldn’t bother me but it does. Its frustrating, that I can spend all that work studying and doing the homework and still do poor. Course, sometimes this occurs in band as well. Trumpet especially. I admit, I’m not that great at the trumpet. It could be because I’m a woodwind, or because I never got real training. But there were times I’d come home from jazz band in tears. I tried my best, but it never seemed to be enough, no matter what. No one has known about this before. I’ve never breathed a word of it until now. I’m using now to let whatever comes to mind be put down… So forgive my scattered topics… if you’re even still reading.

Sorry that this is so long, but it certainly helped to put it down. And perhaps, if I do post this, those who know me slightly may get a better feel for why I converse the way I do. This doesn’t apply to all cases of course. Sometimes I do joke, that’s what the little : ) is for. If you see that, it means I’m joking or saying it lightly (or happily). But I best quit now and let anything else occur in another rant. People who do these on their sites are right when they do make you feel better. Thank you for sticking with me and allowing me to get this off my chest. And as a parting saying that came from my church’s newsletter “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time”.


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