We've Got More Mail !
(Playing
~ "Traffic Jam")
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'Twas the Night Before Y2K
'Twas the night before Y2K and all through
the nation,
we'd soon see the bug that caused such a sensation.
The chips were replaced in computers with
care
in hopes that ol' bugsy wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think they were snug
in their beds,
others had visions of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC, and I with my Mac,
had just logged on the Net and kicked back with a snack.
When over the server there arose such a
clatter,
I called Mister Gates to see what was the matter.
But he was away so I flew like a flash
off to my bank to withdraw all my cash.
Then word of the shortage caused such a
demand
that the money was gone and the streets were all jammed.
When what with my wondering eyes should I
see on my screen
but Millennium Bugsy: this must be a dream!
The Hack of all hackers was looking so smug;
I knew that it must be the Y2K bug!
His image downloaded in no time at all:
he whistled and shouted, "Let all systems fall!"
"Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq, and Pentium too!
All processors big, all processors small,
Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all!"
All the controls that make the planes fly,
and the microwaves for signals on which they rely.
All through the system, to me, and to you,
the predictions they made would soon all come true.
And then came a twinkling as midnight drew
near,
all over the globe in each hemisphere.
As I drew in my breath and was turning
around,
out through the modem he came with a bound.
He was covered with fur with six legs
outspread,
two beady eyes, and a chip on his head.
With a sack full of viruses flung on his
back,
he looked like a hacker just waiting to hack.
His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples -
how merry!
As midnight approached things soon became scary.
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a
sneer,
while he sat like a kid waiting out the new year.
Two little antennae stuck out of his head,
(improved his reception from what I've heard said.)
He had a broad face and a round little belly,
but with six dirty socks his feet were quite smelly.
He was chubby and plump, perpetually
grinning,
and I laughed when I saw him, though my hard drive stopped
spinning.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know a new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to
his work.
He changed all the clocks, then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose and a quick little
wink,
all things electronic soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system to the next folks
on line,
he caused such a disruption: could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim with a loud, hearty
glee,
"This has been fun; I'll see you next century!"
January 6, 1 B.C.
Dear Cassius,
Are
you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to
AD is giving us a lot of headaches, and
we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with
working the wrong way around.
Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to
start thinking upwards. You would think
that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to
us to sort out at the last minute.
I
spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't
done something about it when he was sorting out
the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We
called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply
said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As
usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing
nothing useful. As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an
hourglass flowing upwards.
We
have heard that there are 3 wise guys in the east working on the
problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive
till it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the
moment of transition. Anyway we are continuing
to work on this blasted Y zero K problem, and I will send you a
parchment if anything further develops.
Vale.
Plutonius.
The Southerner's Glossary of Computer terms
LOG
IN: Make a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keep an eye on the
woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the
truk.
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
off the truk.
FLOPPY DISC: Whacha git from tryin' to carry too much
farwood.
RAM: That
thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time.
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't
in the winter time.
WINDOWS: Whut ya shut when it's
cold outside.
SCREEN: Whut ya shut when it's
blak-fly season.
BYTE: Whut dem
darn blak-flys do!
CHIP: Munchies
fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottum of the munchie bag.
MODEM: Whacha do to the
hay fields.
DOT MATRIX: Ole Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: Whar the kat sleeps.
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So you think you're computer-illiterate!!
Check
out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal
article
by Jim Carlton --
1.
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key"
to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking
where
the "Any" key is.
2.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned
out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3.
Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that
the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
diskettes.
After trouble - shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose
the
problem, it was found that the customer labeled the
diskettes then
rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the
customer along
with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A
Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked
the tech to
hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing
the room to close the door to his room.
6.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to
fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the
technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding
it in
front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send"
key.
7.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell
tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I
got me a couple
of friends," the customer replied. When told
Egghead was a software
store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find
a couple of geeks."
8.
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with
soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the
keys
and washing them individually.
9. A
Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid".
The tech
explained that the computers "bad command" and "invalid"
responses
shouldn't be taken personally.
10.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power
button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and
nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to
be the computer's mouse.
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11.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.
When asked
what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What
power switch?"
12.
True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I
help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within
my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, its attached to the front of my
computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a
bit stumped, It's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show?
How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know
anything about a
promotional. It just has "4X" on it."
At
this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't
stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM
drive
as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
How To Install Software: A 12-Step Program
1. Examine the software packaging until you
find a little printed box that explains what kind of
computer system you need to run the software. It should look
something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER 628.8 MEGAHERTZ
MODEM 719.7 MB
FREE DISK SPACE 3546 MB RAM 432323 MB ROM 05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove
the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing,
operating, and trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of
either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located
inside a sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT: By
breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees
to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following
agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the
Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership
Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order
of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and
imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary
and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home
and examine the user's hard drive, as well as
the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave
it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible,
by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers,
thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget
to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12,
insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP"
and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring
noises for a while, after which the following message should
appear
on your screen: The Installation Program will now examine your
system to see what would be the best way to
render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be
honest:
| YES | .........| SURE |
9. After you make your selection, you will
hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the
installation
program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs
can actually alter molecular structures,
so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed
into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories,
on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious
files with names like "puree.exe,"
"fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS. The installation program cannot think of
anything else to do to your computer
and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If
you experience any problems,
electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge,
or intestinal parasites, you should
immediately swear, like this: *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&
11. At this point your computer system
should become less functional than the federal government,
refusing
to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support
Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for
a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step
manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
12. And so that's the easy way to install software...
My Spelling Chequer
Eye
halve a spelling chequer -
It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye
strike a key and type a ward
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write -
It shows me strait a weigh!
As
soon as a mist ache is maid,
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error write -
It's rare lea ever wrong.
Eye
have run this poem threw it.
Eye am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh -
My chequer tolled me sew!
~ source unknown
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Carolyn Springer Harding
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