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(Playing ~ "My Life")

(The following letter was featured in an Ann Landers column. It had been sent to her by a reader who found it
on the Internet. It allegedly was sent from a taxpayer to the IRS.)

****

Gentlemen: I am responding to your letter denying my deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed
on my federal tax return. Thank you. I have questioned for years whether or not these are my children.
They are ill-behaved and expensive. I am happy to give them to you. Please do not reassign them to me next year
and reinstate the deduction.

Since they are no longer my responsibility, it is only fair that the government
know something about them.

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. If you don't believe me, just ask her. I suggest you put her
to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no
formal training, it has not hampered her mastery of any subject you can name.

Next year she is going to college. I think it is wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. You will like him a lot. Her mother and I have occasionally reminded her
of the virtues of abstinence, or, at the very least, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am
quite relieved that you will be handling these discussions in the future.

Patrick is 14. I have had my suspicions about him. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people.
He may be a tax examiner himself one day if he is not incarcerated first. His hair is purple, and he is sitting out
a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I have taken the liberty of filing your
phone number with the principal for future use.

Do NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables or telephones.
They find phones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 numbers. Please let me know
if you would like him delivered to the local IRS branch or the main office.

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic. She is 10, going on 21,
wears tie-dyed clothes, beads and sandals. I know you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch
of her remedial reading courses.

It is quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) because Heather cannot speak English.
She has a curious style of expression ~ a cross between valley girl, yuppie talk and political double-speak.
The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has taught her to roll her "r"s. This has added a refreshing
Hispanic-Irish touch to her speech.

Heather wears her hat backwards, likes baggy pants and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.
She has a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure you can handle it.

Since you have denied two of the three exemptions, it is only fair that you get to pick which two. I prefer
that you take Patrick and Heather. I still will go bankrupt with Kristen's college education, but then I am free.
Of course, if you take the two older children, I will have time for intensive counseling before
Heather becomes a teenager. If you decide to take the two girls, I will not object, since I can
put Patrick in a military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible.

~ author unknown

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