Untitled Normal Page

Frustrated Housewife's
Letter to Santa Claus
(Playing ~ "There's No Place Like Home For the Holidays")

Dear Santa,

        I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or
omfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply ~
I want to slap Martha Stewart !

        Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything ... just one good smack, right across
her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it.

        Don't grant this wish just for me; do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer
vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden-variety lives
aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match
when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style, for dinner.

        We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold.
We're plumb out of liquid gold ... unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up
Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric,
let alone figure out what to do with it.

        OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't
catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room
on the page for her ego.

        We discovered that Martha not only avoids take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), but she also refuses
to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could
microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she
said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."

            Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!

        That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated
dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha.
What next? The coffee maker?

         In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home.
Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill?" ... and neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to
the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house!

        Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends.
"Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just
scarves, mind you ... amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself
a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder
if her back is black and blue.

        She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her
most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram,
and how to fold a towel."

        I have one piece of advice, Martha ... "Get new friends."

        Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping
champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away
by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.

        Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time Magazine
(nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Albright and Maya Angelou, no doubt). The proof of Martha's influence:
after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them;
in an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.

        A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick
fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along ...
she's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade! What a show-off.

        If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272
books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really ... just $5,000.
But what price friendship ... right?

        When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm
a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam
in Martha's ego at this point because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back.

        "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha.
And of her web page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously
helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.

         There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart.
But I bet I won't get my gift this year.

        You probably want to smack her yourself.

~ author unknown

I'd love it if you would sign my guest book ... click on my picture.

Back to Site Directory for more browsing

Home

You may contact me by leaving a message in my guest book.