September 13th 2004
Hmm, well... as everyone knows, everything blew up. I'm still not sure why it did... it managed to turn from "I've got a crush on Jo and it's silly" to the point where we were all fighting. Everyone was sick and everything, needless to say, it was fucking terrible. Lastnight me and Jo had a really bad disagreement and it turned ugly. I felt like shit about it this morning... I was at the mall before anything had actually opened waiting to go to school and I was near tears panicing because I thought our friendship may have been ruined. I gave her a call and she wasn't home... and from there I went to HMV and started looking at punk cds (I don't like punk music) and when I looked up me and Jo made instant eye contact with each other. I had only called her about 2 minutes ago and she wasn't even home! And God knows how terrible I felt about everything... he sent us there together to fix our mishap. There are some things that can only be explained like that... how else would I end up at the mall waiting to go to school that didn't start for another 2 and a half hours... and even more questionable is the fact of why Jo would wake up and come to mall to get two cds at 10:30 in the morning! It really didn't make sence... but I'm glad it happened. The whole misunderstanding was pretty much equal on the two of our own stupidity and msn being evil (it tends to do that if you know us). So everything is fine now. Well... not everything... haven't heard from Chad yet. I really don't want to lose a good friend over nothing. I've got to call him and see what he's doing the weekend... Nothing should end like this. Hmm, I've got so many song ideas in my head today with all my mixed emotions. I could hear the songs being made... first lyrics, then I could hear the drums and guitar layering over the lyrics and mixing together. It was really quite beautiful and disturbing at the same time. Sadly it's out of my musical ability... but when I get there I'm going to be doing them. Another thing that happened in my eventful day: I'm getting my school books for a lot cheaper than I really should. The guy at the office is hooking me up with books for almost 1/4 the price ^_^ And yet another thing that happened today: my Dad called and asked me and Katie to go to Tim Hortons with him. Which was great, I haven't talked to Dad too much for months. It's odd... everything seemed to blow up in my face and it was pretty much to the point where my whole life had gone out the window. Then with an unplanned meeting in the mall everything went perfect within 30 seconds. Believe me when I say that there's someone watching us. If you don't believe in God... I hope you believe in something.
Sorry for all the trouble and pain (trust me I went through hell myself, you'll see when I write my songs!)
Much love to you all
September 11th 2004
I was feeling rotten lastnight... but I'm feeling better now. Reading lastnight's post over it gives the wrong message. I still don't want to say anything... but to clear it up I'll just say this:
A crush is temptation to a man in a relationship. The strong ones can resist temptation. Luckly I'm strong... staying strong is hard, but I'll do it.
September 10th 2004
Somehow I've managed to keep myself from going insane since Mandi's been gone. I've been settled into school for a while now too. Everything starts to go right and then my mind starts playing games on me again. I find myself having new thoughts... some would find them good, some may find them bad. I'm inbetween, sometimes they're good, but sometimes bad, it depends on my mindset at that point in time. It's been leaving to a lot of confusion lately, but hopefully it's only because of other confusion at the moment. Only time will tell what's going on with my brain since I don't wish to openly talk about this with anyone. If you actually know what the hell I'm talking about here and want to help me out (I'll be it you don't know... but if you think you do it's best to talk to me because you probably think wrong) it would be greatly appreciated. There's one person in particular it would be kinda nice to talk to about it. Sometimes it's hard to say what you want to some people though. I don't expect anyone to understand this post... I don't expect anyone to read it for months to come anyways. For the record, I'm fine. Everything in my life is fine, all of my relationships with people, everything. I'm just feeling rather confused at the moment. I'm not retarded... just thinking. Confusion will pass on its own. Forgive me. -Love
May 1st 2004
Ah, hello diary, long time no see.
I don't know if it's normal or not, but from time to time I find I hate the person I am, and try to change something about me. Lately it's been a lot. Down to the way I present myself, the way I act and even the sound of my voice.
Oddly enough I seem pleased with the results... but I don't think I am any different at all. And I don't think anyone else has noticed either.
I hope I never forget who friends are... I have made the mistake in the past, and I don't want to make it again.
I find my life as I know if fading away, best friend's seem to become old news, and it seems like I'm always making a new friend. One of the biggest, more terrible chapters in the horror novel that happens to be my life at the moment is the one where the love of my life and one of my newly found best friends move away to go to college for five years. Five long years without the love of my life. I know it seems retarded to wait, but I can't see it any other way.
I just wish that we would have had that time to grow some more. It's kind of hard to believe that when she comes back in five years time we would have been together for six years. Then it's the rest of school and then we can plan whatever we want to plan. But how different will everything be five years from now? I guess only time will tell, all I know now is that the only thing that feels right to do is wait. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. I don't know how this chapter is going to end... but it's going to be a long and sad one. But the chapters that follow are going to be happier and fuller. But I can say that I know how the story is going to end and it's going to be a long one.
Happy endings are a sweet thing :)
March 12th 2004
Okay... I believe that when a person dies, instead of going to a heaven or hell, they go to a sort of limbo. This is where they are given a few different options of their reincarnated lives. Meaning, a person goes into a life knowing exactly how they are going to live. It's down to all their life details, their jobs, when they die and why, and anything else that will happen.
Knowing that we only use 10% of our brain can only make you wonder what the rest of it is for though. Which brings me to the point that the other 90% (or portions of it) is used in that limbo where you decide what your life will be (lets face it... a life time of info is a lot). So we already know exactly what is going to happen in our lives. That's where the whole "deja vu" phenomenon comes from.
Oddly enough... I've never experienced deja vu, and it makes me wonder if I am living my first life?
And it makes you wonder more why people would choose a bad life. Is it because they lived a bad life before and aren't given the option for anything better? Or is it just because they wanted to live a short and inspiring life to change the path of anothers?
I'm going to shut up now before you all think I'm insane. Just let it be known that when I get around to thinking... I can go overboard :)
February 22nd 2004
I can't sleep tonight... there's too much on my mind. I don't really want to talk about it too much on the web cause I'm not too sure if it's a good idea. But I think everyone knows how I am... I'm antisocial, there's not too many people out there that I can stand... not too many people that I will actually call one of my best friends.
I'm thinking this whole best friend thing over here tonight... Have you ever had a best friend who you give advice... basically warn them about someone... and they go for it anyways knowing what this person once put you through?
I think this brings me back to my statement of being antisocial... I find that I'm usually more comfortable around people I don't know... because, quite honestly, how often do bad things happen between you and a stranger? Never! You always know the person that you are fighting with or in disagreement with.
† It's time's like these I wish I knew who my best friends were †
January 18th 2004
This is another one of my late nights. I really miss my girlfriend today. I haven't seen her in a few days and we keep getting cut off on the phone. So... tonight I ventured onto her website and started reading everything.
This is when I checked her 'musings' page for the first time in a few weeks. I came across an entry she made when I was first sick with hypoglycemia. I never knew that she was that worried about me. I'm sorry hunny. If I checked it earlier I would have let you know.
And if you wanted to cry, I would have been there for you, and I still am.
~I love you so much~
January 11th 2004
Well... I said I wasn't going to... but I'm lazy and don't want to do my homework. So... my game is here for download! Table Tennis!
January 8th 2004
Ah... the first post of the new year, and for the first time, live from the library lol. I haven't updated for over a week now, but I finally found something that I can talk about. This comes from spending too much time in the library. I'm finding myself reading random books off of the shelfs in between class, and to be quite honest, it's much more entertaining than watching tv. You all probably know how much I get discusted with tv sometimes... there are a few good shows out there though, Family Guy and Spongebob to name a few :)
I think that's all I've got for now.
Go read something!
December 30th 2003
I've got something to rant about now. I was searching for Playstation on Ebay today... seeing how much I can sell my beast for... when I came across something knocking the Gamecube really bad. I was happy...lol... so I'm going to put it up.
You know how shitty that controller is? Well somebody made a cable that lets you connect your PS2 controller to your Gamecube. Honestly this is real.
December 29th 2003
I was just observing my site and looking where I could make some improvements. Today I found something cool that I think will add to the site. I was searching for an album (I think somebody made it up... I'm not too sure) called splitting dna. I found a message board and one of the users display picture was a really cool gif animation of LP. I'm not sure who took the time to take all the stillframes from the video and then link them... but now I'm going to put it to use. It makes for a fancy link button if you asked me. :)
December 27th 2003
Guess what I bought today... well, since you aren't online I guess I'll just tell you. I bought Meteora. Yes... yes I did. It's a really good listen. Kinda short though... but a good listen. There are some cool features on there too. Check it out if you don't have it!
Linkin Parks official website
December 25th 2003
Odd thing happened today on my way back from Aunt Bev's for supper, that Linkin Park song came on the radio and I started nodding my head to it. I like the song all of the sudden. I'm really not sure why. I think I'm starting to like the song because it reminds me of Mandi... it's really odd actually. I can hear her singing it everytime I listen to it. I guess that is considered as a voice in my head :) I like the hip hop elements that they have in their music.... and I think it's great when Chester goes on screaming sprees. I'm at a stage now where I'm totally discusted with 99% of the music that comes on the radio today. I can't even listen to it anymore... it makes me depressed it's that terrible! Anyways, I think they do a great job of mixing different music types together and it's what I'm looking for in music now a days.
I hated the band initally... but they are starting to grow on me.
That's all for now,