How to Kill a Sick Friend

 

Sometimes having a sick friend is such a drag. They always need something. Sometimes they're weepy, and they complain all the time. But there are ways to get rid of this nuisance once and for all. The object is to "dump the whiner." So, just follow these helpful steps:

  1. Never, ever call them. And don't return their calls. Even if they are still occasionally calling you, they're so sick that they will lose their momentum and eventually stop. After all, even if they listen to your problems, you certainly don't want to hear theirs.
  2. Be harsh with them; say mean and spiteful things, especially when they seem vulnerable. Remember, even if they were there for you in the past, the idea is to get rid of them now. The sick and afraid are particularly sensitive to cruelty, and the more you use, the better
  3. Write them out of your life - don't tell them about social events, especially parties you are holding. And if they actually try to have one themselves, don't show up, and don't RSVP. That way they'll be wondering if you are coming right up to the very last of the party.
  4. Never invite them to join you for lunch, or a concert or a show. That would only make them think you cared.
  5. Never call just to say hi and see how they're doing. And never ask them if they need anything at the store when you go.

These techniques will definitely kill them, one way or another. They will definitely kill the friendship; and even if they don't kill physically, psychological, emotional or spiritual murder also counts. If they had the nerve to go and get sick, it's not your problem.

Remember, some sick people have some hope that anyone cares. These are the toughest, so you must remember to stick with it. Don't let them wear you down, and whatever you do, don't break down and care. You'll never get rid of them that way.