Pain
You said Im sorry, I heard you, and I see
that you meant it, without knowing what upset me
What happened was so bad, and not meant to be
not with you, not with no one, babe, can't you see?
That I feel out of place here, inside my own skin
to tell you how that feels, I can't even begin
but its yucky, and nasty, and I just want to run
get away from the feelings, and from where it begun
But I dont want to leave here, this place and not you
I just can't imagine feeling that we are thru
Thats not the case, not the story at all
but I want to recapture how it felt to fall
remember at first, when I cried when youd leave?
I loved you so much, you would never believe...
I had romantic notions of how life would turn
but theres no romance now, no spare moments to burn
There is no longer an US, no longer a WE..
Its all for the business, or the family
I dont know if I love you the way that I did
before you were just the provider for kids
Dont think I dont care about how hard you work
and how hard to put up with a boss thats a jerk
and how much there is riding and hurting your back
Its understandable, romance is something you'd lack
But Im less than important, the way it is now
like a chicken, or livestock, yes, even a cow
I am usable, handy, someone you can call
when your hands are full, and something might fall
I have fears that Im no longer what you will need
and it all came from the night you planted that seed
that Im just not what you wanted in life
that your sorry you met me and made me your wife
Its hard to love someone who says that to you
and to overlook cause you say its not true
no matter if drinking was to blame for it then
its stuck in my head, heard again and again
I may not be ugly, but man, might as well
if Im waiting for affection, I should just go to hell
want everything ready, and set just like so
reach out and lay hands on it, ready set go
Im useless for most things, or you would say praise
and Ive waited for that pat on the head for days
and days and days and weeks and weeks...
now I know it aint coming, that pat that I seek
Tried doing it for "ME" to be proud for us both
but its not the same, and myself, I just loath
I dont want to do nothing, that I liked to do
and if asked for a reason, all things point to you
I dont want to have anything important you see?
that you can take back, like my trust and my "me"
I dont want to make plants, that need cash and take time
or anything that would mean I have to ask for a dime
Cause you know, its all yours..the money, the house
the cars, the accounts, and Im just the spouse
You work hard for the money, you deserve it all too
every dime was blood sweat and tears to you
Its hard to know what is now right or is wrong
Ive started to look for the perfect song
that is so full of pain that that I dont have to feel
and I can scream with the lyrics without being real
I try to pretend that everything is all right
thats why the nightmares come only at night
when I can't rush and wait on you and fetch this and that
cause thats the only thing Im here for or good at
and if I cant do, what Im supposed to be doing
then Im just useless, and my self worth is all ruined
and I have so much inside that you dont even know
and its afraid to come out, now, I wont let it grow
Like these words that I twist and make fit like I please
the people online are the ones who get these
Im witty to them, and important sometimes
They like when I talk, and play games with my rhymes
The know how I feel, cause they ask and they care
and Im never alone, cause they are always there
and I feel so bad when I turn to them now
cause it should be to YOU if I only knew how
Take time out, some suggest, get away from it all
clear your head, take a trip, maybe Niagra Falls?
Itll all be ok, just give yourself space
you'll get back whats missing, whats been missplaced
And it IS getting better, I guess bit by bit
sometimes I can hardly remember thats it
but sometimes it comes back, and all in a rush
thats when Im mad, that you were so dangerous
Im afraid of you raising your voice, when upset
you werent like that, at all, when we first met
its something Ive changed in you, something Ive done
and it makes me feel horrible, sad and undone
people they notice, how I look and I act
I avoid them if I can, turning my back
my mother she asks me, babe are you ill?
you dont look at all, like you should, want a pill?
your dad and his woman, checking me out
trying to find out what it is all about
they say I look haunted, they say I look dead
in my eyes and expression, ya, its all in my head
See someone who knows how to banish these things?
a counselor, maybe, then who knows what that brings
Im afraid to seek someone who I would have to tell
about what really happened and how it was hell
and held up in a frame, beside the real you..
even I cant believe it could really be true
you are everything good, strong, reliable and warm
that even I can't believe you would hurt and do harm
so Im in a dilemma, both night and of day
of just what to do, or just what to say
or just how to tread, or what to believe
or whether to stay, or whether to leave
Im scared, and Im hurting and Im mad at us all
cause I have to keep it all inside my brick wall
that I use to keep out anyone who asks why
are you looking so sad, like you just want to cry
it'll all be all right, I tell you and tell me
but confidence in that sometimes leaves me
and Im left looking at us with sorrowful eyes
and wondering if I'll ever not want to cry
*