...pacing...stopping to look at the screen...pacing some more...going from room to room..trying to think of how to start...coming back to the computer and setting down..curling up and looking at the blank screen.
I have wanted to talk to you for days. The thought of you NOT wanting to talk with me, has kept me silent. But its eating me up inside Harold, I have to know how you feel...I have to know, if my part in this is understood..and then most of all I have to know..do you NOT want to talk anymore?
Ive killed time rhyming..(I put links to it below)...but it all comes back to the same question...do you still want me? Until I know the answer to that...Im stuck. Im not able to forget you...and unwilling to just let it go..
*...staring at the screen and thinking...chewing on bottom lip...ok*
I told you in one of our last conversations that I lied to you. *nodding* I did...Im sorry I lied, but by that time I was so scared and paranoid--I was saying what "sounded good" instead of the truth. I lied to you, when you asked me..straight out..if any of the times we cybered..if it was me... *shaking head*
The absolute truth is, you only cybered with 'me', hero...some of the things that were written to you in your offline messages were NOT from me..(understand that they were written BY me...but a long time ago, for someone else.) The names were changed to make it out to be me and YOU...THOSE were not from me, but a stupid trick to get me in trouble.. (The same things were sent to alot of people on my lists..their names added just like yours were.)
*hiding my face and thinking*
How can I apologise enough for that lie that we hadn't cybered? I can't. It was horrible to mislead you..and horrible to let you think it was a stranger...but beyond that ONE lie, Harold..I have not lied to you. Nor have I ever misled you. You said something about me "setting you up"--NEVER. I have no idea what you meant there. Not knowing what you have received..what you have been TOLD...I can't stand up and say..."this one is not me...yeah, that one IS me...no that one is NOT me"
I made sure to tell you the next time I talked with you, that I had lied to you..and I did tell you, but by that time, everything was messed up, and you were confused by what I was saying...but you have to understand, babe.....I was not sure it was even YOU I was talking to. The girls were getting my messages to YOU...I couldnt even trust YOU Harold..the things they were saying to me--PLUS my messages reaching THEM when they were meant to be for your eyes only--I didn't know what to think about anyone...
*covering eyes and stopping to think*
Some things still bother me..but I refuse to be upset about them...like the fact that everything I said to you, showed up at one of the girls' IMs...anything I said to try and let you know that it would be ok with 'us'...was given to them, where they turned it around and made it sound awful...giving them things to hold out and say "Bitch..what IS this?" *shaking head to get rid of the memory* At that point, I admitted it all...denied nothing. Feeling horrible at the thought you were passing them the things I said...I still wanted to trust you..to think that it was just all a missunderstanding. But by the time you and I were having our last couple conversations...Harold, I had no idea if you were trying to hurt me...or if the girls were out to twist things around...I had no idea what was going on...I reached the point where I didnt care anymore what people were thinking--I only knew I lied to you about us...that was all I was concerned with...
I am still sorry that Jeana got hurt. She is my niece. I am a terrible person for allowing things to happen like they did. When I first started talking to you--I never intended to have feelings for you Harold. I never set out to cyber with you. That happened, unplanned... and I wont regret doing it. I have been online enough to know that most people you meet make good "sunny day" friends...it is rare that you find a person that just "feels right" and makes you feel like your on top of the world when your with them...
That was how it felt with you. I felt like there was something so RIGHT when we were together. I can't tell you what it is...I can't tell you WHY it was like that...*silly smile* maybe I just wanted someone that wasn't afraid of arm wrestling me...*grinning* or maybe it was just the way you want to be a tough guy..but your really sweet. I dont know the WHY..I just know I DO care for you, and I miss you...
If you still feel this is all wrong, and you don't want to talk...please at least let me know. *sad look* That way I will know to stop watching for your name to light up...*soft smile* and I will at least know where I stand. @>-->----
*~Lorrie~*