One day, when my son was visiting at my office, next to the San Pedro Courthouse, we decided to go get pizza.  On the way there we passed by one of the low rent hotels.  There was a woman standing right out side with a very low cut dress, nice body, skin tight pants and shoes like I've only seen in the Fredrick's Catalog.   I figured she was a hooker.  I told my son that I was glad he was with me, so that she didn't ask me if I wanted to go upstairs.  He turned around and looked at her and said "My MOM looks better than that."

It turns out that she owned the restaurant next door and was married.  Maybe, she wanted her husband to close early that day?

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One time, we were at the Archery Range and Scott asked me what a "Certain Sexual Act "  was.  I told him,  when people get married, the wife--- On the next shooting lane, I could almost hear the wheels turning in his head and he said "So, you mean Mom---------"   I said be quiet  about your Mom, as far as you're concerned, we only had sex TWO times.  Once when you were born and once when Michael was born.

A year or two later - Scott asked how often his Mom and I had sex while we were married.  I said - I told you at the archery range - just two times.  Once when you were born, and once when your brother was born.  He said, "no wonder you got divorced.  You guys didn't have any fun."

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OK, this one isn't actually from MY Divorce - Click Here to find out how a young girl found out the REAL reason her Dad divorced her Mom.

My X really loved having Restraining Orders.  At one point - there was an order that I couldn't contact her at ANY time for ANY reason, nor could I ask Scott to give her ANY messages.   On the first overnight weekend  that we had,  Scott decided to take a walk.  I gave him my cell phone so that he could call me, as he can walk for hours!   He wound up back at his Mom's.  I said OK,  as I had an appointment Saturday morning and a date that night. 

We were planning to go to Archery on Sunday and them maybe Israeli Dancing in the evening.  I called Scott and asked him to meet me at Coco's so that I could get my phone back.   After he gave me the phone, I asked him if he wanted a ride back to his Mom's.  He said yes.  I figured he had walked up to meet me.   In the parking lot, my X wife was there and she honked and waved at me.  She asked if I was taking him for the rest of the weekend, or what was going on?  I just sat and wondered what could I do?  I couldn't talk to her.  I couldn't tell Scott to say anything to her.  Finally Scott said, "Dad can't talk to you."  We were just both laughing hystScottally.   Later I figured out, that my X had driven him to Coco's and I guess she was going to take him on her errands.

One day - on  the first Passover after separation, I went to Second Seder at Temple Beth El.  One of the people at my table asked where I had been for First Seder.  I said Chabad of Palos Verdes.  He gave me a look, like what was I, a Temple Groupie or something?    Didn't I celebrate it with Family or whatever.   I said that I had recently become separated and that I hadn't mentioned it earlier - as I didn't want to bore them with my divorce stories.   His Niece, also at the table said STORIES, as if I had been divorced numerous times.  I said no, I was just married once, but that my X had Multiple Personality Disorder.   So, that she had 3 Attorney's filing divorce papers and one therapist that was calling,  as she was madly in love with me and couldn't understand why I wasn't coming home at night.

The niece and I dated on and off for maybe a year.

Believe it or not, at one point during our separation my X and I were getting along pretty well.  I was at the Condo maybe 3 times per week to visit.  My First Class Mail was being forwarded to the Office and she was very conscientious about  giving me the Trade Advertising, (Junk Mail).

One day I came to the office and there was a package for me with $7 in postage, from her.  I couldn't understand why she would spend $7 to send stuff, since I was at the Condo like every other day.  Then I notice her name was spelled Yvatta instead of Yvette.   I opened package and it was an anatomically correct blow up doll.  I was really wondering who would spend that kind of money for a gift on me.  Then I got worried that if they were sending me Blow Up Dolls - what were they sending my X, with my return address?   She  had restraining orders in place.  I gave her the envelope only, she didn't make heads or tails of it.   A month later someone sent me a FULL BODY CONDOM.  I told my X that it had to be a friend of HERS that was doing it as I had told all my friends and enemies about it and the misspelled words.

Some time after that - Scott asked if I could take him to the mall.  I said what for, he said he needed to buy condoms.  I said WHAT, you're not in the Army, where you need to put one over your rifle to keep sand out of it.  He said, no, he just wanted to be the first in his group of friends to bring one to school.  So, I gave him the Full Body Condom to take for show and tell.  It would certainly be funnier than a real one.   His Mom found it in his room and he told her he found it laying in the street.

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I mentioned once to someone that I couldn't imagine anyone actually using the doll and I was told - "hank, you were married for too long."

My Aunt Louise decided the dolls name was Susan.  One day I met a REAL woman named Susan, in the laundry room  and set a date for Saturday.   When I left her a message that I was going out with my neighbor Susan, my Aunt really thought I "lost" it.

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Now you might be wondering why I married my X in the first place...  Well, here's the story.  I had maybe 3 different women in mind to marry and decided the only way I could pick one - was whoever was the best in bed.  I was dating my X who wanted to be a School Teacher, another who wanted to be a Lingerie Model   and one who wanted to be a housewife.

When I went to visit the one who wanted to be a housewife, when I took off my shirt and threw it on the floor - she yelled at me - pick that up so it doesn't get wrinkled.

When I visited the model - she said - now let's not get too wild, I don't want to mess up my nails or hair.

When I visited my X, she had copies of the Kama Sutra , The Joy of Sex  ,    Jewish Sexual Practices including the first positive commandment in the Bible is to be Fruitful and Multiply. and several others.  She said - Now hank - if we don't get this right -we'll keep practicing till we do.

Copyright 2005 These stories are fictional and any similiarity to real persons are coincidental