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Friday, October 31st, 2003

hey i got the following sms earlier today from matthew: "plane losing height,pilot said throw out passengers alphabetically, africans, blacks and coons.. black boy said, thats us dad. dad said, no son today we kaffers." i no its a racist joke but it made me laugh.
i'm gonna scrap the idea of making the blinkie site and instead i'm gonna be putting up a site that has web templates, graphics, scripts and more all designed by me. i already designed a link button for the site:
i've also started a really stupid hobby (one that i made up) i call it "linkons" they are square cuttings from graphics that you cans use as buttons, decoration or whatever. here are a few of the ones i've made:
but hey it keeps me busy...
i'm tired. i want to go out. i want a boyfriend. i want, i want, i want....

posted at 20:12


Thursday, October 30th, 2003

fuck, i'm so stupid! scrap yesterday's entry, now i'm not going out with matthew cos he said that he "got back to reality" and realised that the age difference is too much for him that he cant go out with me. he said to my face that it doesnt bother him. why didnt he say so earlier? he said before we met that it doesnt bother him, now all of a sudden after having coffee with one of his friends, he say's all this, but i cant blame his friend cos i dont know what she exactly said. but its just how i feel right now - that she had something to do with him chaging his mind. but like i said, i cant blame her. you now what the funny thing is that yesterday when i called him before he went out to coffee, he said that i do mean something to him and when i asked him last night if he meant it, he said no. fuck i hate it when people say things that mean alot to another person, isnt true. all i wanted was to be happy, to be wanted, to love end love in return. why is it so hard? i guess i just have to dream my life away and hopfully that dream comes true someday. soon i hope. i dont even know if this entry makes sense cos i'm just so confused right now. i could'nt right this entry last night cos i had tears running down my face and shit. i went to bed crying. i hate everything right now i hate myself - i feel like i've hated myself my whole life. but hey "shit happens" that's matthew's saying. how true it is. but we're friends now. at least i'll have my smile lines :) as one door closes, another opens. i can be sad but at least he'll be my friend - the best cos none of mine has made me smile so much in such short time. being friends with him is better than not, cos i wouldnt have someone to make me laugh and smile alot, thanx matthew!

posted at 06:35


Wednesday, October 29th, 2003

i just got home from meeting up with matthew. he's really sweet and makes me laugh. we're going out now. i love his kisses!!! i cant wait till the next time i see him cos i wanna kiss him all the time. i havent felt this good in such a long time... not becuase the kisses, but i actually feel wanted.

posted at 14:03


Tuesday, October 28th, 2003

hey, sorry for not updating. been really busy. yesterday i got a sms from matthew knights, he saw my profile on sc and said he'd like to meet up... i didnt have airtime so i couldnt reply. i sent him a pcm (pls call me) and he called me... i gave him my landline number and we talked for a long while. he sounds really cute! and he made me laugh, now i have smile lines... no one's made me laugh in ages. he goes to the same collage as my sister... and he's 22... his age dont botha me cos i like older guys... my x is 24. we're meeting up tomz @ westgate for coffee or something... he rates that we'll hit it off... (i hope so) i havent met him and i like him already...
oh yeah and i got a new shirt today.. its black with white print that says boyfriend wanted... i also bought a boob-tube, i was in such a rush that i didnt look at the size that when i tried it on it was kinda loose-ish...its wearable though...

posted at 14:51


Sunday, October 19th, 2003

the world is so pointless anyway
does it even matter if we are happy?
i mean nothing at all matters
everything is so pointless and dumb
living is pointless
and if i have fun for a moment, does it mean anything?
better place, worse place, it's all the same
it goes away after 100 years of life
we live and live and anything we get will just be gone
when we die.

and if there is something better awaiting us
in the next life,
then we are failing in this life
we are not doing what we should
we are too involved in this world
and not in the next
you know what i mean?

posted at 14:51


Saturday, October 18th, 2003

wrapped up in the dream
but who cares?
let me dream my life away
as long as the dream comes true

posted at 09:48


Friday, October 17th, 2003

anyone ever notice that i write a bit like a 14 year old....? i think i need to read the dictionary or something... my current vocabulary consisists of about 5 words.

posted at 19:26


Thursday, October 16th, 2003

dear depresion
this depression was not want i wanted. ever. it was what you wanted. it was your fault. i hated you. i always hated you. and now i only hate you more. you caused the entire thing to happen. it was you. all entirely you. you and your selfishness. my life was fine at the time. i was happy for the first time in a while, and it was you that made me fall again. you that pushed me down. you that tangled up my life so badly that everything i had worked for came undone and may never be fixed again. everything was perfect and you smashed it. you broke into a world that you did not belong in. you took what wasn't yours. you stole. my happiness. you are guilty. you ruined something. you ruinrd me. it was you. and now i will forever carry the result of your selfishness in my heart. burry in down, destroy my health, do whatever it takes so that your selfishness will not spread to hurt others. i'm not taking the easy way. no. the easy thing would be to talk; to let others be affected by your disease. that would be the easy thing to do. cause chaos. yes, that's what you want me to do. that would satisfy your need to hurt other people. but no. i'm not going to give in to what you want. i'm going to shut up. i won't say a word. even if it kills me, and it is killing's the only thing i can do... [besides kill myself....which would be another easy way out--not having to live with this burden that you have given me....
yeah, so "la la la la la" see? look at me... "i'm fine" i am... see? i'm smiling. i'll be fine. i'll survive through this like i have through everything else ... you are the most selfish thing i have ever met and i hate you for doing this to me ...
i hate you.
i wish you had just left me alone.
i will never forgive you.

posted at 19:26


Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

the hours turn into minutes
and the days into hours
there isn't even enough time to breathe

posted at 22:18


Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

lalalalalala i never went to bed last night. im tired. aaahhh. im going crazy. lol
 haha. no time for myself in this world, just for trying to help people with their problems, and on and on and on. i need a vaccation, and i need to throw away the computer!!! it's evil!! it eats my time!

posted at 21:18


Monday, October 13th, 2003

sometimes i feel like i'm going nowhere
i am going nowhere.
but when i think about it; it doesn't matter if i'm going nowhere. going nowhere and going somewhere have the same end result. they both end in death. whatever you accomplish, whatever you work hard to do, will just distintegrate. because you die. we die. whatever we do in life it all ends in death, so why even bother? this life is completely pointless and worthless. life of any kind is pointless. everything is pointless. without a point, i just can't be motivated. why would i want to go somewhere in life just to die? it's not logical to me. why work so hard for something without a reason? why suffer just to die? this life is just a waste of my time. yes i know what i said, think about it more and it might make sense. ........something, something,something, my computer has deleted this post twice now, and so this is the third time i've tried to write it and i've lost interest. there's only a certain amount of times you can say the same thing over again without going mad!

posted at 15:26


okay, so again i was writing all this stuff and it got delteted! the page decide to close! grrrrrrr! fuck computers! i pour my heart out and then it deletes it! grrr!

posted at 15:12


Sunday, October 12th, 2003

day dream

can you fill up my time?
can you distract my mind?
take me away from reality
will you make me believe
that something is real
that my scars have healed
i just want to get away from the past
it always seems to last

can you distract me for awhile?
can you maybe make me smile?
understand my thoughts
listen to me and not get lost
can we believe in make believe
make me blind, i don't want to see
the life that's really there
that there's no one left to care

posted at 14:22


Saturday, October 11th, 2003

i just don't want to care anymore.
i don't have that kind of strength
and i'm falling behind in life....
caring is too hard
takes too much time...
why do i always care?
i can't seem to help it...

posted at 12:05


Friday, October 10th, 2003

maybe i'm going to bed now or in an hour, or ... when do i get to sleep!!?? :( i can't believe it, i did it again, wasted another weekend. i really think i need to burn this stupid computer. grrr.

everything is annoying me right now, i hate everything and everyone! i just need to go to sleep i guess.

and the more i think about it, the more pointless everything is. everything i do, everything you do, is completely 100% pointless. it makes me want to just die now! hurry up! this life is wasting my time....but life is time, and maybe the only time we get, but who knows ...

i'm sick of wasting time, i'm sick of dreaming things that won't come true; that *is* a waste of time... it is, it is, it is! i hate the internet i hope it dies. i hate computers. i hate everything.

okay im going to bed now!

posted at 21:04




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