Friday, October 31st,
hey i got the following sms
earlier today from matthew: "plane losing height,pilot said throw
out passengers alphabetically, africans, blacks and coons.. black
boy said, thats us dad. dad said, no son today we kaffers." i no its
a racist joke but it made me laugh.
i'm gonna scrap the idea of making the blinkie site
and instead i'm gonna be putting up a site that has web templates,
graphics, scripts and more all designed by me. i already designed a
link button for the site:
i've also started a really stupid hobby (one that i
made up) i call it "linkons" they are square cuttings from graphics
that you cans use as buttons, decoration or whatever. here are a few
of the ones i've made:
but hey it keeps me busy...
i'm tired. i want to go out. i want a boyfriend. i
want, i want, i want....
posted at 20:12
Thursday, October 30th, 2003
fuck, i'm so
stupid! scrap yesterday's entry, now i'm not going out with matthew
cos he said that he "got back to reality" and realised that the age
difference is too much for him that he cant go out with me. he said
to my face that it doesnt bother him. why didnt he say so
earlier? he said before we met that it doesnt bother him, now all of
a sudden after having coffee with one of his friends, he say's all
this, but i cant blame his friend cos i dont know what she
exactly said. but its just how i feel right now - that she had
something to do with him chaging his mind. but like i said, i
cant blame her. you now what the funny thing is that yesterday when
i called him before he went out to coffee, he said that i do mean
something to him and when i asked him last night if he meant
it, he said no. fuck i hate it when people say things that mean alot
to another person, isnt true. all i wanted was to be happy, to be
wanted, to love end love in return. why is it so hard? i guess i
just have to dream my life away and hopfully that dream comes true
someday. soon i hope. i dont even know if this entry makes sense cos
i'm just so confused right now. i could'nt right this entry last
night cos i had tears running down my face and shit. i went to bed
crying. i hate everything right now i hate myself - i feel like i've
hated myself my whole life. but hey "shit happens" that's matthew's
saying. how true it is. but we're friends now. at least i'll have my
smile lines :) as one door closes, another opens. i can be sad but
at least he'll be my friend - the best cos none of mine has made me
smile so much in such short time. being friends with him is better
than not, cos i wouldnt have someone to make me laugh and smile
alot, thanx matthew!
posted at 06:35
Wednesday, October 29th, 2003
just got home from meeting up with matthew. he's really
sweet and makes me laugh. we're going out now. i love his kisses!!!
i cant wait till the next time i see him cos i wanna kiss him all
the time. i havent felt this good in such a long time... not becuase
the kisses, but i actually feel wanted.
posted at 14:03
Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
hey, sorry for not updating. been really
busy. yesterday i got a sms from matthew knights, he saw my profile
and said he'd
like to meet up... i didnt have airtime so i couldnt reply. i sent
him a pcm (pls call me) and he called me... i gave him my landline
number and we talked for a long while. he sounds really cute! and he
made me laugh, now i have smile lines... no one's made me
laugh in ages. he goes to the same collage as my sister... and
he's 22... his age dont botha me cos i like older guys... my x is
24. we're meeting up tomz @ westgate for coffee or something... he
rates that we'll hit it off... (i hope so) i havent met him and
i like him already...
oh yeah and i got a new shirt today.. its black with
white print that says boyfriend wanted... i also bought a boob-tube,
i was in such a rush that i didnt look at the size that when i tried
it on it was kinda loose-ish...its wearable though...
posted at 14:51
Sunday, October 19th, 2003
the world is so pointless anyway
it even matter if we are happy?
i mean nothing at all
everything is so pointless and dumb
and if i have fun for a moment, does it mean
better place, worse place, it's all the same
away after 100 years of life
we live and live and anything we get
will just be gone
when we die.
and if there is something
better awaiting us
in the next life,
then we are failing in
we are not doing what we should
we are too involved
in this world
and not in the next
you know what i
posted at 14:51
Saturday, October 18th, 2003
wrapped up in the dream
let me dream my life away
as long as the dream comes
posted at 09:48
October 17th, 2003
ever notice that i write a bit like a 14 year old....? i think i
need to read the dictionary or something... my current vocabulary
consisists of about 5 words.
posted at 19:26
Thursday, October 16th,
this depression was not want i
wanted. ever. it was what you wanted. it was your fault. i
hated you. i always hated you. and now i only hate you more. you
caused the entire thing to happen. it was you. all entirely you. you
and your selfishness. my life was fine at the time. i was
happy for the first time in a while, and it was you that made
me fall again. you that pushed me down. you that
tangled up my life so badly that everything i had worked for came
undone and may never be fixed again. everything was perfect and you
smashed it. you broke into a world that you did not belong in. you
took what wasn't yours. you stole. my happiness. you are
guilty. you ruined something. you ruinrd me. it was you. and
now i will forever carry the result of your selfishness in my
heart. burry in down, destroy my health, do whatever it takes
so that your selfishness will not spread to hurt others. i'm not
taking the easy way. no. the easy thing would be to talk; to
let others be affected by your disease. that would be the easy thing
to do. cause chaos. yes, that's what you want me to do. that would
satisfy your need to hurt other people. but no. i'm not going to
give in to what you want. i'm going to shut up. i won't say a
word. even if it kills me, and it is killing me....it's
the only thing i can do... [besides kill myself....which would be
another easy way out--not having to live with this burden that you
have given me....
yeah, so "la la la la la" see? look at me...
"i'm fine" i am... see? i'm smiling. i'll be fine. i'll survive
through this like i have through everything else ... you are the
most selfish thing i have ever met and i hate you for doing this to
i hate you.
i wish you had just left me
i will never forgive you.
posted at 19:26
Wednesday, October 15th, 2003
the hours turn into minutes
and the days
there isn't even enough time to breathe
posted at 22:18
Tuesday, October 14th, 2003
lalalalalala i never went to bed last night. im
tired. aaahhh. im going crazy. lol
haha. no time for myself
in this world, just for trying to help people with their problems,
and on and on and on. i need a vaccation, and i need to throw
away the computer!!! it's evil!! it eats my time!
posted at 21:18
October 13th, 2003
sometimes i feel like i'm going nowhere
but when i think about it; it doesn't matter if
i'm going nowhere. going nowhere and going somewhere have the same
end result. they both end in death. whatever you accomplish,
whatever you work hard to do, will just distintegrate. because you
die. we die. whatever we do in life it all ends in death, so why
even bother? this life is completely pointless and worthless. life
of any kind is pointless. everything is pointless. without a point,
i just can't be motivated. why would i want to go somewhere in life
just to die? it's not logical to me. why work so hard for something
without a reason? why suffer just to die? this life is just a waste
of my time. yes i know what i said, think about it more and it might
make sense. ........something, something,something, my computer has
deleted this post twice now, and so this is the third time i've
tried to write it and i've lost interest. there's only a certain
amount of times you can say the same thing over again without going
posted at 15:26
okay, so again i was writing all this stuff and it
got delteted! the page decide to close! grrrrrrr! fuck computers! i
pour my heart out and then it deletes it! grrr!
posted at 15:12
Sunday, October 12th, 2003
can you fill
up my time?
can you distract my mind?
take me away from
will you make me believe
that something is
that my scars have healed
i just want to get away from
it always seems to last
can you distract me for
can you maybe make me smile?
listen to me and not get lost
can we believe in make
make me blind, i don't want to see
the life that's
that there's no one left to care
posted at 14:22
Saturday, October 11th, 2003
i just don't want to care anymore.
don't have that kind of strength
and i'm falling behind in
caring is too hard
takes too much time...
why do i
i can't seem to help it...
posted at 12:05
October 10th, 2003
i'm going to bed now
or in an hour, or ... when do i get to
sleep!!?? :( i can't believe it, i did it again, wasted another
weekend. i really think i need to burn this stupid computer. grrr.
everything is annoying me right now, i hate everything and
everyone! i just need to go to sleep i guess.
and the more i
think about it, the more pointless everything is. everything i do,
everything you do, is completely 100% pointless. it makes me want to
just die now! hurry up! this life is wasting my time....but life is
time, and maybe the only time we get, but who knows ...
sick of wasting time, i'm sick of dreaming things that won't come
true; that *is* a waste of time... it is, it is, it is! i hate the
internet i hope it dies. i hate computers. i hate
okay im going to bed now!
posted at 21:04