November 3 2003
Well, another few days have passed. It is Wednesday, and im happu for the first day this week! Tonight Smallville is on! (Tom Welling is only like the hottet thing i have ever seen in my life). Things seem to be working out all right for the most part now. My brother's girlfriend knows my phone lover (I've met him 3 times and have been talking to him on the phone for like 5-6 months) but she told me he was hott, which made me happy because I dont remember what he looked like.

But that brings me to my next problem, my disability with self-confidence. I just look in the mirror and wonder how he would ever like me, I mean, he knows what I look like, but I can't let myself believe that.

I came to the startling realization yesterday that I think I was anorexic last year... I know most people don't understand how you can just learn that you were anorexic, but sometimes it just doesnt connect in your head. I mean, skip lunch everyday, eat small meals, count calories, it's all small stuff that I never paid any attention to. And every time I look in the mirror, I see fat. I can't even do anything about it. I eat normally know, mainly only because I know that not eating ruins your metabolism, and that I'd never be able to actually eat ever again. But I still for sure have a problem. I just told my friends last night, and they seemed to know all along really, just couldnt confirm it. It really worries me, because I feel like it's just one more thing that is bad about me. It's another thing to be self-concious about, and I don't like it.

Well, things are looking up!
love,
lauren

Thanksgiving!!
YAY
A whole nother year has passed in my life, and I have a lot to be thankful for! Although I am slightly disspointed that some things have hardly changed, when I think about it, a lot actually has.

I am not friends with Hannah anymore... and have become really good friends with Meade! (and Cori and Jaimee at one point but thats another story). I have mended things with Amy, which in itself is it's own blessing, yet its own curse.

I have moved with my Dad's family, and have been the happiest I ever have been living with him. I have an awesome new stepmom who is the nicest person ever!

I myself have changed a lot, I have begun to depend on myself, perhaps to the point of losing reliance on those who i care about, but hey, you can't have ur cake and eat it too. I have also become a lot more confident, believing in myself and what I have to offer the world around me.

As a gift to the rest of the world... i started wearing mascara a year ago today, just so yall dont have to see my nasty face with out it. (Im actually really surprised how some black goop on my eye lashes can change the world's view of me). How does having black eye lashes make a person more attractive? I will never understand, but am grateful for the oppurtunity to better myself with such a small thing.

Anyways, I am most thankful for my family and friends! To my family, who has to put up with my incessant shit and my shitty goddamn attitudes.. im really sorry! And to all my friends who are there for me even when I won't tell them why I'm sad, or what's bothering me... i love you all!
love
lauren

november 26 2003
Hey
My name is Lauren! I am 15 and I live in CO. Very boring, very not where i want to be! I wish I were in Minnesota, or Ireland or Scotland, somewhere where everyone else is as white as me, and they will have blonde/red hair there too, so no one can give me their sass about it anymore! I swear I get challenged more with the shit you get for being different in one day than most do in a month. Not that I feel sorry for myself, difference is the quality that gets me attention, but it's not really good at all.
Well anyway, I have discovered that I have been hiding my whole life, masquerading as a person who I have never really been. I have been hiding behind so many fronts I can barely begin to find myself! I know that I have more confidence than I let on- this is so people are afraid to hurt me, and that I really am not that shy- I just let on to get attention.... It's all pretty shitty, and now I have to start all over with a new outlook so things can change!
Have you ever just wanted to hide in your little hole that you have dug for yourself and writhe in self-pity and not have any guilt about it? Well I certainly have!! I wish I could just feel sorry for myself and blame everyone else for the problems I have created on my own, but I find that these days, I can't even cry anymore, because for me, crying is feeling bad for yourself... The only times I ever cried is when I was feeling sorry for myself, and now I can't even do that! What kind of a place am i at when i cant even sob out all of my problems?!
Anyway, after sounding very self-centered, I think i will, as Meade puts it, stop while I'm behind...
love
lauren