BLONDE JOKES
Why do blondes like cars with adjustable steering wheels?
Because they like more head room.

Why doesn't the blonde want to drink beer on the beach?
Because she doesn't want to get sand in her Busch.
Q: Why are there so many blonde jokes one-liners?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A: the invitation.

Q: What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage.

Q: What is black and blue and brown, and lying in a ditch?
A: A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes.


10 Things Men Won't Say
1. Let's watch Lifetime!
2. Sex is overrated.
3. I don't want to go too far on the first date.
4. Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours.
5. There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.
6. I'm glad I don't have a large penis.
7. My hips are too big.
8. Aw, can't we watch Oprah?
9. Does this suit make me look fat?
10. I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion.

20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room
1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.
7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.
9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.
12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.
13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.
15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.
16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.
17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.

5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines
1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in
.
4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson, and a carpenter that met everyday for breakfast at a low income diner. They were all married except the salesman. When he was married, he went on his honeymoon with his wife. The other three still met for breakfast when he was gone. An idea came up to play some practical jokes on the new married person. "I'll make his bed slant so his bed will collapse when he is making love," said the carpenter. "I'll hot wire his mattress so that he'll feel immence heat while making love.' "Those are good ideas," said the dentist. "But I am not going to tell you what I'm going to do.' The next day the salesman comes into the diner. He says "I congratulate you guys for making my bed collapse, and I thank you for making my bed really hot, but I'm going to kill the bastard who put novocaine in the vaseline."

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

Men vs. Women: Round 1
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A  man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Baked beans and their delightful tune A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions. On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.


Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A. So men can be open minded. Q. What's the speed limit of sex? A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock? A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego... A. "Is it in?" Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows. Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A. One of his fingers is clean. Q. What's the biggest fish in the world? A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months. Q. Whats the difference between parsley and pussy? A. Nobody eats parsley. Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy? A. Kermits Finger Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> You should have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving, Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday? Thunday? Every Thucking day! Sex is: like Nokia (connecting people) like Nike (Just do it) like Pepsi (ask for more) like Coca Cola (Enjoy) like me (too good to be true) Send this message to 5 friends or you will have 5 years of bad sex! Top 10 Places to have sex: In your bed In your parents bed In a car On a washing machine, while running In a hot tub On a beach, down in the sand On a comfy couch with the TV on On a waterbed A plane bathroom In the rain Top 10 Places NOT to have sex: In the movies In a car... WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING! In front of all of your friends In a phonebooth In your best friend's bed At Grandma's house At school In your dirty basement In the street ON-LINE Top three things to say before having sex: I love you (but only if you mean it) Rock my world Let's get ready to RUMBLE... Top three things NOT to say before having sex: Is this gunna hurt? Sure....I've done this thousands of times... Are you sure it's on there? Top 3 things to say after sex: Are you sure this was you're first time? Gotta cigarette? Wanna do it again? Top 3 things NOT to say after sex: That was IT?? I think I hear my mom calling me ---- see ya OOPS, the condom broke! My bad! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> JOKE On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old Grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> SHIT The most powerful word? > > >>> >> >> > > Well, shit... > > >>> >> >> > >Shit may just be the most powerful word in the > > >>> >> >> > >English language. > > >>> >> >> > > > > >>> >> >> > >You can be shit faced, > > >>> >> >> > >shit out of luck,or have shit for brains. > > >>> >> >> > >With a little effort, you can get your shit > > >>> >> >> > >together, > > >>> >> >> > >find a place for your shit or decide to shit or > > >>> >> >> > >get off the pot. > > >>> >> >> > > > > >>> >> >> > >You can smoke shit, > > >>> >> >> > >buy shit, > > >>> >> >> > >sell shit, > > >>> >> >> > >lose shit, > > >>> >> >> > >find shit, > > >>> >> >> > >forget shit, > > >>> >> >> > >and tell others to eat shit and die. > > >>> >> >> > > > > >>> >> >> > >Some people know their shit while others can't > > >>> >> >> > >tell the difference between > > >>> >> >> > >shit and shineola. > > >>> >> >> > > > > >>> >> >> > >There are lucky shits, > > >>> >> >> > >dumb shits, > > >>> >> >> > >crazy shits, > > >>> >> >> > >and sweet shits. > > >>> >> >> > > > > >>> >> >> > >There is bull shit, > > >>> >> >> > >horse shit and > > >>> >> >> > >chicken shit. > > >>> >> >> > >You can throw shit, > > >>> >> >> > >sling shit, > > >>> >> >> > >catch shit, > > >>> >> >> > >or duck when shit hits the fan. > > >>> >> >> > > > > >>> >> >> > >You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. > > >>> >> >> > >You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier > > >>> >> >> > >than a pig in shit. > > >>> >> >> > > > > >>> >> >> > >Some days are colder than shit, > > >>> >> >> > >some days are hotter than shit, > > >>> >> >> > >and some days are just plain shitty. > > >>> >> >> > > > > >>> >> >> > >Some music sounds like shit, > > >>> >> >> > >things can look like shit, > > >>> >> >> > >and there are times when you feel like shit. > > >>> >> >> > > > > >>> >> >> > >You can have too much shit, > > >>> >> >> > >not enough shit, > > >>> >> >> > >the right shit, > > >>> >> >> > >the wrong shit or > > >>> >> >> > >a lot of weird shit. > > >>> >> >> > > > > >>> >> >> > >You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or > > >>> >> >> > >find yourself up shit creek > > >>> >> >> > >without a paddle. > > >>> >> >> > > > > >>> >> >> > >Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit > > >>> >> >> > >and other times you swim in a lake of shit and > > >>> >> >> > >come out smelling like a rose. > > >>> >> >> > > > > >>> >> >> > >When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the > > >>> >> >> > >basic building block of creation. > > >>> >> >> > > > > >>> >> >> > >And remember, once you know your shit, you don't > > >>> >> >> > >need to know > > >>> >> >> > >anything else! > > >>> >> >> > > > > >>> >> >> > >You could pass this along, ..........if you give > > >>> >> > > > >>> >> >a > > >>> >> >> > >shit.