Not Belonging
Every day the feeling of not belonging is always hammered into my heart
The only words which can describe it are lost and lonely
For so long has this feeling been tormenting my heart
For an eternity has this feeling been locked inside of me
but now all I want to do is release it
I want to release the pain and sorrow I`m suffering
I want to release the multi emotions that I`m feeling
however the feeling of can`t is stronger than the one of want
for as hard as I try, 
I just can`t express all of this
I look to the ones who are so close to me, but can they see it?
Their eyes are blind to the excruciating battle that`s fighting within me
They`re blind to the feeling of hopelessness that I constantly feel
They`re blind to the feeling of not belonging that I go through day after day
and hour after hour
I don`t want their eyes full of pity or their sympathetic looks..
all I want is for someone to listen...
to hear my feelings that silently cry out
to know the hurt that I`ve experienced
to see how fragile and weak this person really is
to actually see me for me and not the person they think I am...



Reaching Out To You
You're so close to me
but when I reach out for you,
you're too far away
I try with all my might
but you slowly drift farther away
I want to so badly run into your open arms
but there's a barrier between us
Every time I see you
I wish to talk to you,
to laugh with you,
but I can't
all I can do is hang my head low
and look miserably at the ground
whenever I'm in the halls,
my eyes search furiously for you
Finally I spot you and our gazes lock
Memories of our past flash through my mind
how we used to joke around like little playful kids
how we used to gaze at each other endlessly
how what we shared was all true bliss
how what we shared I will never forget
now I'm back to the present
and as our eyes still hold,
We share the same pain,
regret,
and is that one feeling still there?
The feeling of love?
How I wish to be in your loving arms once again
where all is right and always perfect
how I wish to erase the pain of the past
and be with you once again
how I wish that the barriers could be broken down
so that our hearts can be united
and our love continue on...




My Own Pain
After our final goodbye,
i was left with an emptiness
deep as despair
I tried blaming it all on you,
but I knew that it was all just me
A stupid little girl who didn't know how to deal,
A naive little girl who had broken your heart,
An unknowing little girl who had caused her own pain
Now here I am where a year has passed
but not a single memory has been erased
here I am with a new boo
but all I ever do is compare him to you
Whenever I see you both in the halls,
my eyes look to him
but my heart reaches out for you
It breaks my heart when you see us together
cuz it breaks mine too 
cuz I'm wishing he was you I was holding
how can I tell you that your name is forever in my heart
When I was the one who left you from the start
How can I tell you that my feelings never faded
but kept inside of my suffering heart
How can I tell you that I want you to be the one
who I can always rely on and run to
How can I tell you that my eyes are always 
searching for you
How can I tell you that I keep him at a distance
while deep inside, you're the closest to me
how can I tell you to please come back
and never leave again
I wanna tell you so many things
I wanna tell you that no one compares to you
and although it looks like I've moved on
my heart is always beside you




This Is Me
I smiled with fake enthusiasm
I spoke with fake happiness
They all said I was blessed,
but they didn't see my 
unhappiness and sadness
They didn't see the tears I cried
to make myself fall asleep
THey didn't feel the deadness
and pain that poisoned my heart
No one knew what I thought or felt.
except maybe him
He who I felt watching my
every move and step
He whose gaze I felt
follow me like a hawk
It was chilling
yet thrilling
I wanted to cry out for his help
but I held back,
knowing that he couldn't cure me
So tired with living and trying
I just wanted to be at peace
As I walked to the pinnacle
of the menacing building,
I felt the wind gently calling
my name eerily
I slowly spread my arms
to embrace the breeze,
I began to edge closer to the edge
but instead of falling,
a force pulled me back
It was him.
I pounded and hit him with all my power
yet he didn't flinch nor blink,
his captivating eyes were
full of heart-breaking tears.
As I sobbed uncontrollably,
he continued to protect and shield me
Finally,
I looked up into his soulfoul
and fragile eyes
I saw my entire world in his eyes,
I realized my stupidity and regretted
what I had almost done
I don't thank you, God,
for my sickness,
but I thank you, God,
that you sent me him...




Recovered
As I walked to where you were sitting,
nervousness flowed through me
It's been two years since our heart-breaking goodbye
It had taken me forever to open up again to someone besides you
how could I just say hello to you,
you were my first love
how could I sit so near to you,
the person whom I've ever been close to
how could I smile and be happy for you,
the person who had wounded my still healing heart
as I finally approached you,
I saw you hadn't changed
I saw that we seemed the same,
yet we were miles apart
I realized how comfortable it had always been with you no tension,
only familiarity
I realized then 
that even though I thought it would never happen
seeing you again didn't make my heart feel sore
seeing you didn't make my heart jump
seeing you again only made me realize
that my heart has healed since your depart 




Three Words, One Meaning
I love you
so easy to write down, yet so difficult to say
I love you
three words that can cause so much hurt, but at the same time cause pure bliss
I love you
the words I wish I had the courage to say to you, but I just can't
I love you
I want to admit it to you,
I want you to know,
but I'm being held back
I love you
I'm so scared to tell you 
I'm scared to admit how much I need you
I'm scared that you don't feel the same
I love you 
A meaning I never truly understood until you walked into my life
I love you
The phrase I wish I could have said to you when we were together
I love you
only three words, but have haunted my entire being
I love you
the only thing that comes to mind when I see you,
hear you,
imagine you,
think of you
I love you
The feeling I want to tell you that continue to grows for you each and every day like a flower blossoming
I love you
the three words, eight letters, and one meaning I feel for you now and forever...




How Do I Say
How do I say all the things that my heart expresses
but my speaking does not?
How do I say all the things I want you to know
and the feelings just won't go
How do I say how much I miss you
and the way we used to be
How do I say that every time I see you,
my heart does little flips like a crazy rollercoaster
How do I say that whenever you are near,
I want to reach out and hold your hand
How do I say that just by seeing your smiling face,
all my worries wash away
How do I say i want you to be the one
who I can always run to,
the one who I stay on the phone with until the lights of dawn appear,
the one who will protect me when I feel afraid,
the one with whom I can share my heart,
my soul,
my love,
my everything with
How do I say that I want to be the one for you,
the one you go to when you're down and depressed,
the one you lean on for support and love,
the one who you can always count on
How do I say 'be happy'
when it stabs at my heart to say it
How do I say I care for you without actually saying it
How do I say to go and live life happily
when I really need you by my side
How do I say I can't guarantee there won't be problems,
hardships, 
and obstacles
but I can promise that this heart purely and truly loving you...




My Confession
Time has gone by,
years have passed,
However,
the memories of you and me are still engraved in my mind and heart
I've lived with an incurable emptiness
since we went our separate ways
After our relationship existed no longer,
I seemed to change
I wasn't the same person like I was with you
When I tried moving on,
I couldn't open up my heart
I didn't feel like sharing my deepest secrets like I did with you
I didn't feel the spark or cherished feelings as I do for you
Only then did I realize my mistake,
my regret
I had let the one person who loved me as much as I loved him go
I was the cause of my own pain and hurt
It was a realization made too late
Even today,
even at this very moment
everyone is locked out from my heart
everyone but you
each passing day brings me closer to you,
but you're just out of reach
each day,
i see you smile now
you seem so content
so recovered
a burst of pang hits my heart
and all I want to do is rush into your comforting arms
unfortunately,
my courage isn't as strong as my feelings
because of my selfish stupidity i can't do anything
i'm hiding in the dark like a scared little kid
all i can say is this is my confession




Umma (mother)
After 16 years of wondering and pondering,
I finally found you
Umma,
The time we spent together was so short
Meeting you,
seeing you,
speaking to you were all my dreams come true
The day we were reunited is still fresh in my mind
Umma,
meeting you was the happiest day of my life
pieces that were missing from my heart
like an unfinished puzzle came into place
As I held your hand in mine
I could feel the motherly love radiating from you
I felt the strong bond that was reconnected
I didn't want to leave you so soon
for I had finally found family
Umma,
every day and every night,
you're always on my mind
No matter how deep my pain is,
I know that we will meet again for God had brought us together,
and He will do it again
Umma,
there's so much I want to share with you,
so much I want to show you,
I miss you so much that my heart aches
Umma,
now that I've found you,
I will always pray for you
I will pray to God to keep you safe
I will pray to Him bring us together once again
Umma,
sarang hae yo (I love you)




How We Used To Be
We used to talk and chat like we were sisters
We used to share our deepest secrets and fears
We used to laugh and joke
We used to have an unbreakable bond
Now everything's changed
I feel like we're drifting apart and I can't seem to stop it
I try to reach out for you, 
but you just push me away
I try to talk to you,
but all you do is stare at me and pretend
You're my truest friend or so I thought
You're like my sister but maybe not
We used to tell each other every single detail
now all we do is hide what we're feeling
i want to tell you,
I've tried to tell you,
but it's no use
All you do is shove me away
All you do is use and abuse me
I never used to doubt you
I never used to stand up against you
I used to follow you around like a dazed follower
I used to listen to every word you said
Things have changed
I'm using the voice that has stayed quiet for too long
I'm speaking the feelings that have always been suppressed
I'm saying the words that I should have said
I'm telling you now that there's something wrong
Do you even care? 
I've tried to help
but you never give
I've thought about endlessly,
and it's ripping me apart
I'm facing the painful fact:
Our friendship is dying...








D-E-V-O-T-I-O-N
D stands for dream
every time I'm with you everything feels so perfect,
so picturesque
It's a dream I never want to wake up from
E stands for entranced
every time I look into your eyes,
I'm lost in a world where all that exists is you and me
By looking into your eyes,
I find myself falling deeper
V stands for vivid
Ever since we'be been together,
I'm seeing everything for the first time
My vision is no longer black and white
You brought color to my life that had disappeared
O stands for open
for I wish to open my heart to you as you to me
The barriers to be broken down
and for doors to be unlocked
T stands for thankful
Thankful for this second chance
Thankful to God for sending me an angel from above
I stands for imperfect
even though no person is perfect,
through my eyes you are
Flaws are imperfect,
but to me, they make you the perfect person
O stands for oath
for I promise to be true to only you
I promise that you have the key to unlock my heart
N stands for need
I need you by my side 
You're the air I need to survive
You're the inspiration to keep me striving
All that I am,
all that I have is devoted to you...




Untitled
Life
A series of ups and downs like rollercoasters
Tragedies and miracles that strike at any given moment
A path of endless journies
My life was uncertain
Dark as an abyss
Lonely as a wandering soul
Until you brought my back
In just one day,
All I knew
All I felt was reversed
I could view the world with a smile on my face
With no trace of negativity
By the touch of your hand
New hope was restored
As your comforting arms wrapped around me,
I was found and I was home
I was forever safe in your embrace
By the sweet touch of your lips
my soul awakened
A burning fire ignited that will forever burn
As long as you're with me
You are the key to my heart
When you unlocked my guarded heart,
it traveled to you
I am vulnerable
I have weakness
None of it matters
cause all I need is you




Goodbye, Not forever
Goodbyes are never pretty
nor can you forget them
Umma,
saying goodbye to you my mother
hurt so bad my heart ached
The pain more intense than a thousand needles
God had reunited us,
but time had once again separated us
The short time we shared together
I cherished and locked in my heart
When you held my hand,
I was no longer lost
The confused little girl had finally
been found by her angel,
by her missing link,
by her mother
You looked at me with a motherly gaze
so tender and caring
The image of you is cemented into my mind
The informality you chose to speak
instantly brought us closer as people,
As mother and daughter
I didn't want to let you go
I was afraid that if you released your hand
I would once again be in the dark and alone
I prayed to God to keep you safe
and to bring us together in the future
The distance hasn't caused a gap,
but only physically
Yet our hearts could never be closer




Turmoil
My life is a maze
Full of twists and turns,
but also dead ends
My path is blocked
I struggle till I'm almost dead from fatigue
My body weak from exhaustion and striving
My heart fed up with trying 
Who am I?
It's all I wish to know
How can this three letter question
be so difficult to answer?
When will this complex journey come to an end?
When will I be shown the way?
When will I find my inner peace?




Untitled
I thought all was fine and okay
Life became lighter
Problems began to dissipate
Happiness even came into play
But somehow,
it's back
This thing that I feel
it's like a sickness with no cure
Day in and day out I try to push it away
but it never travels far,
but seems to becoming closer and closer
What is wrong with me?
I try with all I possess to suppress it,
but it's too strong
I can see the clouds coming in
and the daylight turning to night
What am I to do?
There's nothing to talk about,
cause I cannot put what I feel into words
Only that whatever this is feels like nails
hammered into my heart nonstop
Every time I smile it's all fake, and not genuine
Every time I laugh it's not truly real
It's like a black hole that I cannot escape
I want to fight it,
but I'm just too weak
All I can do is feel lost and silently cry away my fears




Family
Searching endlessly for people to call my own,
my family
Searching constantly for those whom I resemble,
whom I share blood with
Going in circles and circles,
until I fall down from dizziness and fatigue
I'm searching for ghosts
I know they're there,
but I cannot see them
My adoptive family is everything I could have wished for,
but there's always something missing
There's never complete happiness
It's like a pesty splinter that I just can't pick out,
cause all it does is sink in deeper and deeper
I wanted to know my birth family,
so I wished upon stars to find them
but nothing ever came true
Until that evening on July 12th,
when my uneasiness and unrestlessness
was finally settled
I found my family,
not by blood, but by love
My unrelenting prays had been answered from the One above
My wandering soul had found its other half
Umma so caring and nurturing
Patting my hand as the warmth of her heart shone brightly through
Unni so marvelous like an angel from God
She smiled at me as she wiped away my tears
Oppa so remembering of me as a baby
My hopes of finding my family have all been granted
The bitter and cold place in my heart has finally been broken
The tears that had been held for far too long had finally been released
The anxiety that had squeezed my heart until I could not breathe
finally disappeared
The uncertainty which had clouded my mind
has finally been cleared
For I've found my family
not by blood,
but something stronger than that
A family by love




 
Me
Secrets from the past
Unknown information from my history
The question of 'Who am I really?' always being asked
I experience all loss and no victory

I used to know who I was
Who I could trust and love
What to do in all situations
but now,
it's all the opposite

I look in the mirror with unfamiliarity
Eyes filled with gloom and somber looking
The purple underneath becoming darker and darker
Skin becoming pale like moonlight

Who is this girl staring back at me?
Is this my true reflection?
Why does she look so unhappy? 
Is this really me?

I used to like being with people
I loved the vibrant feeling of peoples' happiness
The way the atmosphere was light and carefree
Now,
being around others produces uncertainty and unease
I just can't sit still and enjoy the bright smiles
I have to get away
I have to escape

Who is this girl I've become?
She's so unconfident and unsure
She has goals, hopes, and dreams
but there just out of reach

Who is this girl that I've become?




Life
16 years I've walked this earth
so many experiences which hold much worth
yet this deep pain and grief I can no longer hide
for 16 years, I've pushd my unhappiness aside
In this life, this bitterness I've always felt
while dealing with confusing problems that life has dealt
All through life I feel this excruciating pain
while at the same time so much I gain
I've experienced discrimination and hate
but with patience I try to wait
I've been teased for not looking like my family
but all I did was smile happily
while deep inside my heart cried out
while deep inside my soul did shout
For so long in life I've dreamed of my birthmother
but I wake up to reality and I completely shudder
I know I'll never meet her
and this I know for sure
I pretend I'm okay with it
but lies are pure shit
In 16 years, I've learned of life
how no matter what there is always strife
unlike others, I'm not afraid of death
in some ways, I welcome my last breath
Only in death will my aching soul be free
Only after this life my mother I will see




My Best Friend
12 years our friendship has lasted
Never has it been doubted or weakened
In some ways,
we're the complete opposite
You represent light,
I represent darkness
You dig pink,
I dig dark
How could such 2 different people be best friends?
The way I see it,
it's very simple
No matter the situation I can always count on you
whenever I have troubles,
you instantly recognize the storm I'm going through
without telling you, you read my mind
No matter what is happening,
we just connect and understand each other
Friends have come and left,
but you're the one who's stayed the longest
You've been here to wipe away my tears and fears
You've been here to experience the good and bad
You've been here to get me through life's toughest obstacles
Our friendship is a once in a lifetime kinda thing
As life continues on,
we've never drifted, 
but our bond is only strengthened
We look like opposites,
but in my heart,
I see you as my sister and best friend




Sometimes
I never knew life could torment me so much
I never knew things could change so suddenly
When life gets rough,
sometimes I wish I could fly like an eagle
Fly to the highest mountain and be surrounded
by the lovely nature,
be envelopped by the freedom
Sometimes I wish to hide in my room
and never come out
Sometimes I wish to travel a far distance to places
unknown and exotic to me
Sometimes I wish to run into the mixing colors
of the setting sun,
and never look back
Sometimes I wish to shed these tears that I constantly repress
Sometimes I wish my memory could just be a mere memory
to forget this agonizing pain
to forget this dark sadness
Sometimes I wish to yell and shout
to tell what I really feel and think
Sometimes when I'm all alone,
I wish to just be me




Why?
It's been 17 years,
and never once do I cease to think of you.
I try to convince myself that I'm fine without you
but I just break down like a lost child
Questions repeat over and over in my head
Feelings of emptiness, longing, and hurt
pound in my heart like lethal injections
Why did you leave me in this cold and lonely world?
Why did you have me if you knew you couldn't keep me?
Why haven't you tried finding me?
Why did you have to inflict on me this unbearable pain?
I've walked and breathed on this earth for 17 years now,
always thinking and dreaming of you
Your whereabouts and image indefinite
Are you happy now?
When you're with your family, do you think of me
and yearn to see me? 
This deprivation of not being able to meet you
is slowly and tortuously killing me
it's a knife in my heart slowly being turned
it's salt poured onto an open wound
it's heartbreak
Umma, why did you leave me all alone?





SONG LYRICS:
MY HAPPY ENDING-AVRIL LAVIGNE
So much for my happy ending 
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh... 

Let's talk this over 
It's not like we're dead 
Was it something I did? 
Was it something you said?
 
Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead 
Held up so high 
On such a breakable thread 

You were all the things I thought I knew 
And I thought we could be 

CHORUS 
You were everything, everything that I wanted 
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it 
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away 
All this time you were pretending 
So much for my happy ending 
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends 
I know what they say 
They tell you I'm difficult 
But so are they 
But they don't know me 
Do they even know you? 
All the things you hide from me 
All the shit that you do 

You were all the things I thought I knew 
And I thought we could be 

CHORUS 

It's nice to know that you were there 
Thanks for acting like you cared 
And making me feel like I was the only one 
It's nice to know we had it all 
Thanks for watching as I fall 
And letting me know we were done 

CHORUS X 2 

So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending