From the moment we hear of our loss, we need to take ourselves
out of circulation. There is no sense in making believe nothing has happened.
Stop. Cancel the party, speaking engagement, or opening night. Yes. The show
must not go on. There has been a tear in the fabric of your life and it
requires mending. No safety pins! For the first weeks following a loss, consider
staying out of your ordinary reality. Cancel all obligations and go inside. Go
inside yourself, inside your home, with trusted allies and friends be they in
the form of people, books, tapes or nature. Go where you can hear wisdom voices
speaking to you and not on the five o'clock news! The voices in your mind are
beginning to form a place where you will hold this loss. Take the time to
listen. Since each loss is unique, you can adjust how long and how deeply you
want to disconnect from your ordinary reality but there is great wisdom in the
face of a death in your inner circle to take all the time YOU need, not what other
people think you need.Time does not heal,
healing takes time.
If you are working ask for as much time off as you need. Even today many
employers do not understand, nor do they want to, the debilitating effects grief
has on a persons thinking.
When an important loss has just happened, it is normal to be shocked and in a state of disbelief or
disorientation. We quite naturally think about the deceased a great deal and
when this is coupled with a wish for the death never to have happened, it is
very normal for us to experience them as somehow being close by. We can become
restless and try to keep too busy in order to keep feelings at bay, and this in
turn can cause loss of quality sleep which in turn makes us "edgy" or
not "with it". Crying is common and healing, and calling out to or longing
for the deceased is to be expected. We may want to keep everything that
belonged to them or avoid all reminders in an attempt to prevent feelings being
triggered off.
It is very important to remember at this time that it is YOUR loss. As you move through
the different stages or phases or grief you will experience thoughts and feelings
you didn't know were possible. This is normal, there is no right or wrong way to grief
and there is no time limit. Be gentle with yourself and if possible avoid people who tell
you to "get over it" or "you are holding up well"
It is necessary in grief to work through all your feelings, some of them over and over again.
Take the time, it belongs to you.
Your counsellor can help you with all of your grief work and will assist you with
grief exercises to help you establish a new and loving symbolic relationship with
the deceased.
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