okay, i'm back again with a new template and my life is still chaos. i'm getting married in october. am i excited? no. do i want to get married? not at this time. so why am i doing this? good question - i don't have a good answer though. it's really rather stupid. somebody (my boyfriend) put down a $500 non-refundable deposit to reserve a banquet hall WITHOUT asking me first! one day in late june everything seems normal (or normal for my life) and within a matter of minutes i find out that a deposit was put down to reserve a banquet hall for the end of october of this year! i don't want to get married right now, i don't want to change my name right now, i don't want to change my tax status definitely right now. i don't, don't, don't, don't want anything to change right now but i can't do anything about this. i mean, i can stop this but the sh** that will happen if i do is just as bad as if i don't. but it's MY life and i think that i should have a say in how it goes although you can't believe how many people want to be a part of my life! if i go to the store there's always somebody who wants to go with me, in fact, whenever i go out somebody always wants to go. when i'm at work there's never a lack of phone calls (personal) from family and "friends" who apparently don't know that i'm at WORK! heaven forbid if i answer the phone just a bit irritated because i don't deal with the public so i don't really get business calls. so when the phone rings, most often than not, it's personal and it's NEVER important (at least as far as important to me) enough to warrant bothering me at work. does anybody understand that? i'm at WORK!!! and it never fails, i always get asked "what are you doing?" WHAT AM I DOING? WHAT AM I DOING? I'M AT WORK!!! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I'M DOING. and the kicker . . . . just let me try to call them when they are at work and see how they get. i don't even consider calling somebody at their workplace to just "talk." of course it depends on where they work but in general, i thought that unless it was a family emergency of some sort, a real emergency that involved the police, or fire department, or an ambulance, etc. you just don't bother somebody when they are working. unless they specifically told you it was okay, it's NOT okay. it's not proper, it's down right rude! and the worst part is, 98% of all those phone calls have no point! there's no specific reason for the call. it usually goes something like, i pick up the phone and say "hello?" (sometimes multiple times but not more than 3, i'll just hang up) and the other person will say "hello?" can they not hear me? when my kids call i don't get that from them but when it's a guy they always say "hello?" of course, i say "hello?" again but sounding irritated because i know what's coming up. and then i hear the "hello" and you can just hear it in their voice. it's like they are sighing (swooning if it was a chick) and i am immediately pissed off because all they want is to talk to you, screw it if you're really busy. then i'll say "yes?" like get to the point because i'm busy and don't have time for this. then i hear the "oh wow!" like they are now totally bummed out or something because i don't sound happy like they are. WELL, I'M NOT!!! you know that i actually end up hearing the other person breathing. like i don't have anything to say and apparently this phone call was for no "real" reason other than to just hear my voice or something. so if i don't say anything and they don't know what to say i end up listening to them listening to me listening to them breathe. that is just so attractive to me that i don't know how to act. is this what runs through a person's mind? cause it definitely isn't what i'm thinking. what's up with men? most, at least the ones that i've met in my life but not all, act normal in public or when there are other people around, they even act like they're tough and macho and all of that crap. but just get one alone, all by himself, and it's like . . . what happened to you 'cause you're not acting like before. you're acting like, for lack of anything better, a high-maintenance, needy, clingy chick. YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK!! if i was a real bitch i could probably get them to do ridiculous things for me that i know i wouldn't do for them, or anybody else for that matter. unfortunately, i have this stupid little voice, i think it's called a conscience, that always butts in to tell me what i should and shouldn't do to people. i swear, if i could make it go away i would be rich! but i've tried, and it won't go away so that is that! all i want is someone who is there when i really need it (which is rare since i'm pretty much independent financially, emotionally, etc.) and that's probably just to hear me bitch about the world and is strong enough to give their honest opinion about whatever it is i'm going off about, regardless if they agree with me or not and not judge me on the things that i do. i don't require constant companionship, in fact i need lots and lots of space. go out with your friends, all night if you want to. just as long as you carry your own weight around the house, do whatever you want, whenever you want. just be available or reachable in case there's some real emergency and the same thing goes for me too. other than that, i don't start calling everybody in the world looking for you if you're not home from work. now if you're not going to come home at all then courtesy says just call me and let me know. do i care where you're going? no. if you want to tell me you will, in not then i won't ask 'cause you'll probably just lie. and that's the thing!!! i hate liars! okay, i'm working myself up . . i think it's called PMS. gotta go.

hi all! it's really been a long time since i've visited this page. it's the day before thanksgiving and of course we at work are doing absolutely nothing but having a pre-thanksgiving celebration. i guess it's the gym for me tonight. anyway just wanted to stop in and say "hi!"

looong time no see!!! thought that i forgot about you, huh? well, actually i sort of did. and i've been really busy with my ex-hubby back inside and his girlfriend calling my up about what she should do. she's actually really nice and he's lucky that he found somebody who really cares about him, at least for the moment. though i don't know how long that's gonna last if he's gonna be in for a long time. at least he has somebody else to put money into his account. anyway, and work has been really "interesting" to say the least. this office has been in the news (both on air and in both daily newspapers) for the last month or so regarding the way state money is being "misappropriated." it's rather interesting although if true, pretty depressing. at least the air conditioner is working now. when i first stepped out of the elevator this morning i knew it was broken when that blast of HOT air hit me. i didn't have to do anything except sit at my desk and i was already sweating. it was awful but unfortunately not uncommon in this building. well, gotta go do some real work now so i'll see ya later.

i am at work and i have had at least five phone calls from "friends" or family who just happen to be on vacation or not working and just want to . . . ? say "hi?" they call me at work and ALWAYS ask "what are you doing?" uuhhhh, what phone number did you dial? oh, my WORK number . . . which means . . . I'M FUCKING WORKING! is that such a hard concept to grasp? i'm sure that they wouldn't like me bothering them at their workplace with stupid chit-chat crap. and then when i say that i'm busy (because I AM!) they act and sound like i'm bullshitting them and just don't want to talk. well, half of that is correct. i DON'T want to talk to them, or anybody else for that matter. Sheeesh!

this is the last time today that i'm going to attempt to post this entry because i've just about had it with this stupid computer.