The pain is so intense
I look toward death
to comfort me.
But it doesn’t.
I was a man that had it all
but it is all gone now
and I must try to go on
though I feel depression’s grip.
I want to be a good person.
I want to be there for my kids
I want to marry Emma
But I have thrown it all away for nothing.
I destroyed relationships
that mean the world to me
and I have no one to blame
The only thing I can do
Is try to better myself
And show the world
I’m not a loser, but how?
I will find a way.
I have to.
So today I found out
what my punishment will be
for my recent slip.
I can't say I'm excited
But I have to own up
to the things I have done
if I want to move on.
This is the most costly
and demeaning mistake
I have ever made.
Determined not to repeat it
I will take action
against my condition.
and live on.
. I Love You
If I could go back and change things
If I could take back the hurtful things I said and did
If there were some way to repair the damage
And if there were a way to get you back
But I fear that too much has happened
and you will never let yourself
love me again.
Just know that I have always loved you
even when things were bad.
I would do anything for you
and I thank you for giving me
the best times of my life.
New England has such a rich literature history
one would think the library in each quaint town
would house a myriad of intellectual endeavors
but it is not completely so in Hampton.
I found a Billy Collins next to a Longfellow
but still no Bukowski in sight.
I found a collection of poems on disk
read aloud by each poet in their time.
The librarian is excited that someone
finally would check out their recent purchase
and I tell her how thankful I am for the find.
She tells me some of the Whitman is…
“Dramatically monotone?” I finish.
“No, of poor recording quality,” she answers.
Blushing I acknowledge the wonder
that some such recordings still exist.
. The Program
Sobriety isn’t meant to come easy.
If it were then everyone would be sober
and the world would be a better place.
Slips happen, relapse is an unfortunate part of recovery.
Not to excuse the slip
or pardon the behavior
but one must not dwell on the negative
for it would be impossible to move on.
Rather, remember the slip
and how it made you feel
then put a plan in action
to prevent future slips.
Call people in recovery.
The program works
if you put in some effort.