It's about time you got your own page on here. I guess this is where things about you will go because I can't say them to you but I still have to get them out. Maybe you'll read it and maybe you won't but it will help me get through this.
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I miss you
It hurts so much I don't know
if I can describe it but I'll try.
It's like thinking of someone all day everyday
and on nights when you are lucky enough to sleep
you go to sleep thinking about how things could have been
and then you dream about her and the kids
and you wake up sobbing because it wasn't real
and she's still gone
It's like trying to fill every moment with something
to take the pain away
whether it be work or meetings or movies
but it keeps eating away at you despite
your best efforts to keep it at bay.
It's like wanting to call someone all the time
but knowing that she doesn't want to hear from you anymore
and when you can't take it anymore and you have to call
she doesn't answer and doesn't call back
It's like hearing the ice cream truck
and remembering better times but still living
in the reality of hell.
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Sometimes
Sometimes I get angry at myself for letting things happen
and sometimes I just sit and wonder how it all unfolded or why.
Sometimes I just want the pain to stop
but I can't numb it anymore
I can't stuff it inside a bottle
or chase it away with pills
I just have to deal with it head on
and so sometimes I write
Sometimes I forget how well writing has helped me
or how its kept me alive when I had nothing left
Sometimes I try to keep it simple,
deal with life on life's terms
live and let live
one day at a time
but sometimes I get sick of hearing it
and I just want you back.
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Missing out
I can't help but feel
there is so much going on
that I'm missing
and it hurts.
I want to be there
for everything
her first words
her first steps
there are so many firsts
they are happening each day
and I'm missing them.
I know I was wrong
and I made some big mistakes
but love means forgiveness
sometimes
and don't I deserve a chance?
A chance to prove
I can be the man you want
I can be a good father
and I can stay sober
whatever it takes.
I just want to hold Mackenzie
and see her smile
I want to hug Micah
and go for a bike ride
I want to fall asleep
with you in my arms
and I want us to be happy
together
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Familiar Friend
Your stern words of encouragement
comfort me like the companionship
of a well respected friend once lost
but finally come home.
My downward spiral grinds to a stop
then pauses in reflection for a moment
before undulating slowly in reverse
pulling me backwards from within.
I feel the summer sun on my bare skin in November
and remember what it’s like to live again anew.
These brief flashes come over me
like waves of hope lapping at my door.
I’m an addict stoned on your words
still each time they come I cannot get enough
until they fill my hands and brush across my face
I settle in at night underneath their security content.
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