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Stallone for President!!!
By Puns McKenna

Sylvester Stallone was born in Hell’s Kitchen, New York in the late 1940’s to a down to earth Italian family. Struggling to make a name for himself he did well in school attending the American College of Switzerland and the University of Miami. After obtaining his Bachelor of Arts he worked his way up through the ranks of Hollywood. Since every actor starts at the bottom of the ladder, Sylvester was no different. He started with small films and unknown TV shows finally working his way up to good B-rate movies like Death Race 2000. In the late 1970’s he branched out from acting and began writing film scripts, starting with “Rocky”.

Now, forty years later he is considering a run for president in 2012. At the age of fifty-four he has gained a great deal of experience in life and seems to be ready for this big step. The question is, is life experience all he really needs?

What makes a really good politician? If life experience were all that was needed, I’m sure there’d be a LOT more of them. Actually, there are plenty of politicians for just that reason. What there needs to be is more Statesmen. Anyone can be a politician. All it takes is a desire to manipulate; skills in bamboozling people, and a pretty face. The real question is what does it take to make a good Statesman, and does Sly have what it takes? That’s something I’d like to see the answer to. What kind of campaign would he run?

Considering it worked to make a spectacular movie, I’m pretty sure he’d run his campaign like the script of Rocky. I can just imagine him jogging down Park Avenue in New York amidst a throng of average schmucks shouting Adrian. The sweat and dripping water look will be superb for his campaign. I wouldn’t recommend that he try the Rambo approach. It might look good to terrorists and dictators, but a totalitarian militaristic regime isn’t exactly what the US is built on is it?

Maybe if it was the campaign he took against the terrorists it might work. It could even work on oil spills. Just think about it. He goes down to the Gulf of Mexico on his campaign tour… shoots a few well aimed uzi shots into the water and scares that evil oil back into the ground. It would be an interesting thing to see just how he’d handle the deficit too. Can you imagine the jobless situation? What would he do to fix the lack of work that many Americans are experiencing? Do you think he’d be able to change the policies of taxation to keep the companies here at home, or do you think he’d take the approach of forcing them to stay at gunpoint?

It might be interesting to see how he’d handle the controversial topics. I don’t know that he’d do to good of a job though. Don’t get me wrong, I’d like to see new blood in the White House. I just don’t rightly know that Stallone would make a good run of it. He’s got a lot of Moxie, but I don’t think he’s got enough wherewithal to sit out a four year term and fix all the ills of the current dope we have in there.

Confessions of a Dislocated Texan

Chickens could manage the BCS more efficiently

By Ezra Mann (Editor in Spoof)

I will with no regret admit that I am far from the biggest sports expert in this region dominated by athletic tradition. It is only in the past five years, perhaps decade that I have given more than a passing glance to who did what and how much rear they kicked since the first intense rivalry began.

If any sport holds my attention more than the other, it is professional baseball and in the form of clinging to the hope that the Texas Rangers will be more than the permanent home run smashing underdog. Yet, I find myself more and more hooked to my hometown Texas Tech Red Raiders (for some reason not quite as popular here in Oklahoma) and a growing interest in catching their college football games. Yet, the more I root for their success on the field, the more I notice how the system that honors the best of the best is increasingly a sham that could almost make a saint out of the federal government.

It is highly unlikely that there is any more perfect example of control freaks blinded by their obsessive compulsive nature than the Bowl Championship Series Conference. Despite all evidence pointing that the current system is broken (if it was ever a good idea in the first place) and is nothing more than an elitist money pot, those that control it ignore all common sense in order to hold their death grip.

It is this temper tantrum against change that continues to make college football the only sport to remain without a real playoff system. Now I’m not going to say I even pretend to understand every element of the current arrangement, but it appears that my own chickens could better lead the way than the nimrods who choose the who gets play for the championship. This is because even my dimwitted egg layers could see that there is more benefit in opening the field than just limiting themselves to the same bags of feed.

Those quick to defend the bowl system might say that the established pecking order makes sense because the most skilled teams already get a chance every year to be the top rooster. If that were so then why does it seem year after year that lesser known teams who go perfect in their season have to jump from hen house to hen house only to watch someone who choked to a bottom rung team (Though at least USC got caught for cheating the system) get the golden egg?

At least when it comes to the feather plucking that goes on in NCAA basketball, there is a chance that a team out in a place like rural Iowa can upset a powerhouse like Kansas in a run for the title. I'm not saying there needs to be as many games or even increase the season any more, but maybe one of these days it would be nice to settle it on a field and not based on a biased popularity vote. I know I don't have to convince everyone else in the fragile Big 12 that it's nice to see the Texas Longhorns have their over inflated ego popped every now and again.

I know it sounds like a long shot, but I think I have a way (thinking is the biggest hurdle here) to reach a compromise while not removing a single bowl game. The suggestion made by an acquaintance is to simply arrange a number of existing bowl games into a playoff format, using some for quarterfinals, semis and still keeping the championship bowl as the crowning glory.

The brackets would allow someone from each conference to play for the chance to advance and see who really deserves bragging rights. Again, follow me if you can pro-BCS people, this would actually mean more money because more people would care what the outcome is if you don't limit exposure. Until that day however, each season is nothing more than chicken scratch that insults your legacy and the people who love this sport so much.

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