News that belongs in the past
Dolph Lundgren
has the power.... to stop oil spill
By Cozmic
The Gulf oil spill is one of the worst oil spill disasters in the world,
ever, if not the worst. Since the spill started in May it has been leaking
tens of thousands of barrels of oil (you know, that thing we claim we are
running out of) every day. It is not hard to see how this is a major environmental
disaster, and despite this, all attempts at blocking it have been futile,
weak, not all there, and just plain lame. That is, until Sweden decided
to act. They do this by sending in a man who needs just about no introduction.
He has portrayed a former Marine turned High School teacher, saving a school
full of ridiculously dumb kids from even sillier crooks. He has held up
a sword and proclaimed that yes, he does indeed have the power. He has performed
an Elvis song in front of a Swedish audience who doubted he could even speak
Swedish. He claims he has forgotten his native tongue. He has studied chemical
engineering at the Royal Institute of technology. Perhaps most importantly
thus far, he has punched Rocky Balboa in the face. He is, of course, one
of Sweden's most famous actors, Dolph Lundgren!
Because if a giant pile of junk, like most of Lundgren's movies piled together
in a heap, won't stop the Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill then how about a guy
who once portrayed freaking He-Man!?
Yes, Sweden is sending out, or perhaps sacrificing, Dolph Lundgren to the
great oil spill in the hopes of appeasing, or beating the snot out of, the
Oil Gods that are to blame for the problem.
Just how Dolph intends to combat the spill is unknown at this time. Perhaps
he will dazzle it with his frighteningly blonde hair, perhaps he will punch
it into space(although the physical violence approach would seem to call
out for Mr. T, or at least Chuck Norris). As a b-rate actor, he probably
could try to put on a really unconvincing Shakespearian monologue to persuade
the thing. Perhaps the answer is even so simple as to think that he might
try and put all those chemical engineering skills to good use. After all,
he does have a degree in that, which would imply it works far better than
his acting. Or his directing. Or his writing... Wait, why is this guy famous
again?
Oh yeah, b-rate action movies. Maybe he will simply blow up all the oil
leaking out of the oil spill, thereby saving the world with a giant ball
of fire. That does seem like a plausible explanation., I mean, he knows
the chemistry to do it, he is one of those people who does not look at explosions,
and it would look totally awesome. And he’d probably do even more
damage in the long run, but who cares about the long run anyway?
Or maybe he simply intends to use his extreme He-Man strength and his bulk
to plug the hole with. Nobody knows. But man, that explosion thing sounds
cool!
Previous News: Suck Aid revealed.