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Past sports article for the week of 1/31/10


The hypothetical career alternatives for hockey-players
By Cozmic

So, global warming. Yes, the thing is going to totally wreck the climate. No, people are still not nearly concerned enough but they are missing the most important part of all this: hockey, as the name ice hockey implies, is played on ice, and if the climate gets screwy enough to melt all our hockey rinks, then what will people do!? Most people will be forced to watch some other, less cool sports, but what about all those professional hockey-players? What will they do?
Field hockey is universally known as the girlie version of proper hockey, and street hockey is really what you get when you subtract most of the mess from regular, proper ice hockey, such as skates, ice, and a puck.
Of course, there are skates, or at least inlines, when playing inline hockey, but inline hockey also means you cannot come to an instantaneous full stop without smashing your torso against the floor, and what on earth is hockey without checking? A version of soccer with sticks, that is what! This might sound cold, but most ice hockey-players would probably not find a career suitable for them in other games labelled hockey any time soon, much like Michael Jordan will probably not get to star in another movie or pursue a professional golf or baseball career again any time soon.
Speaking of golf, however, most teams who never seem to make the play-offs probably spend more time golfing than they do skating, so maybe they should give that a try. After all, Happy Gilmore showed us that even a terrible hockey-player can swing a golf club really hard and hit a ball stupendously far, so imagine what a professional player with some, or rather, a lot of golf practice can accomplish! There is definitely a place for brawn in golf.
Another sport that requires a lot of brawn, and one that most NHL players get at least more than enough practice in, although the footwork becomes a bit screwy when one wears skates. Still, the NHL was built more on people roughing one another up than, you know, actually playing hockey, so those big brawny dudes who are more or less already boxers in hockey pads might not have too much trouble finding a career as a new boxer, or, in a worst case scenario, making a new version of Rocky or something.
Of course, going into the close-contact physical aspects of hockey again, there is always American Football, a sport that seems to be all about being big and running into other players and making sure they fall before you do, and if this career does not work out then you can always get a job like all the other failed football-players flipping burgers at the local burger joint. Just do not expect to see a lot of ice in people's drinks.
All in all, it would seem that most of these people would end up with terribly bad jobs, and we would end up with watching dozens of other sports in order to get our prescribed dosage of cool sports, and when you split up cool things, they tend to turn lukewarm and bland much quicker, so it is in everyone's best intent that global warming be stopped so we can still have a bunch of proper hockey!

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