Past Sports from the past week.
Past sports article for the week of 9/15/09
Rumble In The Arctic Cancelled
By Grey Events (Continued from ep. 12)
The long running build up to decide who gets to own the mineral riches of the Arctic Circle, with its ice retreating under global warming, by racing to the North Pole has been cancelled.
No one has been able to lay claim to the area and no word has been given as to the cause of the cancellation.
On the surface that once people started to think about it a race to settle Arctic ownership makes very little sense.
It also appears that full development of the Arctic riches would require technology on a scale not even Steven Spielberg is prepared to FX into existence.
Conspiracy theories are rife. Republicans are claiming that this is all a part of President Barak Obamaís master health care plan that will leave America open to terrorists and rogue Tupperware salesmen.
In the UK it is thought that this might be a part of a resurgent Tony Blairís plot to regain power.
Meanwhile in Russia everything is fine, all is well, operations are within normal parameters, there is nothing to see here, move along.
Others see something more sinister than government conspiracies, moving to business and religious conspiracies.
Itís thought that the Pope may be looking for a new summer home as temperatures soar in Vatican City, at the same time people keep trying to blame a worldwide Jewish plot, even though the Jewish plotters are all vacationing in Tahiti.
Big Oil has been accused of getting in on the action as a cover for the tobacco lobby who are a smokescreen for the fast food franchises.
Of course more believable is that the Arctic, once free of that ice, will be made the perfect landing platform for our alien masters. After seeing the prospective summer blockbuster hits it could be worth it.
Finally, and frighteningly the most plausible theory, is that someone already owns the Arctic territory.
Evil billionaire Rupert Murdoch has not taken responsibility, and while Bill Gates is a cunning and wily operator his purchasing of the San Francisco Bridge proves that property is not his strength.
Naturally this theory leads to the possibility that the lost city of Atlantis is actually under the Arctic ice cap, fully populated and developed by a bunch of shotgun wielding hicks who donít want international kids playing on their lawn, so to speak.
For some reason there was a lost cry coming from the Amazon that sounded faintly like one of our half forgotten reporters when this rumour broke.
In the meantime the prospective competitors have found themselves with massive amounts of fantastic equipment with no practical use. Talks have begun for joint infomercial time to try and turn a buck.
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